Not mine, don't sue me

Please feed me my crack


"Jane, sweetie, can I borrow your phone?" Angela Rizzoli picked up her daughter's cell phone from where it rested on Jane's kitchen counter.

"Yeah, sure, just don't run the battery down. I'm on call tonight." Jane continued to work the pasta she was elbow deep in. "Who are you calling anyway?"

"I thought I'd see if Dr. Isles wanted to come over for dinner. You said neither of you had a chance to eat, and, since it's just the two of us…"

Jane shrugged. "Whatever, Ma. Probably better to text her, though."

Angela flipped open the phone and scrolled through the text messages. "You two text each other a lot, Janie."

"We text if it's slow. You know, it helps kill time." Jane began cutting the pasta into circles.

"Well, it's obvious you two aren't working! Listen to this." Angela held the phone out a bit as she read a text message conversation.

Jane: Two homicides, spilled coffee, and Frost threw up on my favorite pair of shoes… Hump Day is humping me the wrong way today.

Maura: Is that a reference to… Oh, yes, it must be. I don't know whether to chide you for your language or acknowledge the pun with a chuckle

"Really, Jane, we raised you better than that."

"Ma, it was a joke! Come on, I thought you were going to text Maura."

"In a minute," Angela batted playfully at her daughter's hand as Jane reached for the phone. "Can't you see I'm reading?" She moved out of Jane's grasp and read another conversation aloud.

Jane: Okay, I give. What did you do with my good pen? I've been looking for it all morning… Nearly killed Frost when I caught him staring at my ass while I was under my desk trying to find it.

Maura: I don't blame him.

Jane: What?

Maura: That is, I have your pen. Shall I bring it up, or do you want to come down?

Jane: Interoffice mail?

Maura: Don't you want to see me, Jane?

Jane: Yeah, but… *sigh* I should just keep a shovel by my desk. I'll go down.

Maura: When you get here, you can explain why you need a shovel by your desk.

Jane: Yeah, thought you might say that.

"Janie, sweetie, did Dr. Isles just say you had a nice ass?" Angela smirked at her daughter.

Jane nearly dropped the bowl of pasta filling she had in her hands. "You know, I could use some help here. Will you quit reading my personal stuff and either help me or call Maura?"

"I will… in a minute!" Angela continued to read aloud.

Maura: Toxicology results on the substance I found on Faisal Hamoudi's hands are in. You were right. It came from the older brother's car. Shall I send up the file via interoffice mail, or bring it up and put it right in your hot, little hands myself?

Jane: I see what you did there. You know, I did go down and get my pen this morning.

"Janie," she began.

"No, Ma." Jane held the small spoon she was using to divide out the filling toward her mother. "Don't say it."

"Is there something going on between…"

"I mean it."

"Well, I mean, honey, you know your father and I will love you no matter what." Angela gave her daughter an understanding smile.

"Yeah, well, Pop might not love me if I… You know what? I told you not to say it, and you said it anyway. Can't you just mind your own business? It's just like I told you before, I'm perfectly happy just like I am. Why do you have keep trying to set me up with everyone? And, now, you're even doing it with my best friend? Come on, Ma. I don't even like girls!"

Angela gently placed Jane's phone down on the counter next to her and crossed her arms. "Oh, really?"

"Yes, really."

"What about Cindy Horowitz?" Angela gave Jane a smug look.

Jane's eyes widened and she dropped the spoon she had been pointing at her mother. "How could you have possibly known about that, Ma? It was a one-time deal." She bent over and grabbed the spoon from the floor, tossed it in the sink, and crossed her arms. "Everyone goes through a phase."

"For six months?"

"It was a long phase."

"With a promise ring?"

"Okay, how the hell do you know all of this?" Jane could feel her jaw flexing.

Angela shrugged. "People talk. Your father and I never said anything because we figured you'd tell us when you were ready. It's not my fault you broke up with her before you could work up the nerve to tell us."

"Hey, she broke up with me." Jane clamped her lips together as realization of what she had just admitted dawned on her. A blush slowly rose up her neck, and she could feel a cold sweat break out. "It doesn't matter anyway. Like I said, one-time deal."

"What about Maria Lopez?"

"Ma…" Jane's look moved from scared and frightened to flabbergasted and shocked.

"Tonya Radcliff?"


"Abbie Bori…"

"Okay! Enough… fine… yes… I like girls. Are you happy now?" Jane threw her hands up in the air, her signature frustrated move. "God!"

"It's about time, Janie." Angela's smile widened. "So, are you going to invite Dr. Isles over for dinner?"

"Just the two of us, or you, me, and her?"

"I think she likes you, honey, and she's doctor."

"No." Jane gave an emphatic shake of her head. "We're not starting this right now."

"She pretty."

"No, Ma."

"She's smart. She has class. She can deal with your… everything."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jane glared at her mother.

"Maura Isles is the only person I have ever seen who could handle all of your moods, and she's the only person I know who can calm you down and get you to do what you should to take care of yourself. I mean, you won't even listen to your own mother, but you'll listen to her!"

"Oh man," Jane pinched the bridge of her nose. "I can't believe this is happening."

"I'm just going to call her while you finish making the pasta, okay?"

"Fine." Jane had been defeated.

"But, I'll stay just to make sure everything goes smoothly."

"Of course you will."

"Sweetie, it'll be fine. Trust your mother."

"I'd rather take down another serial killer."

"I heard that!"

Resignedly, Jane went back to making the food as she waited for the impending disaster. 'Oh well,' she mused as she began pinching the dough together, 'At least there's a six pack in the fridge.'