Title: Sex Ed
Pairings: Akito/Sana, Tsuyoshi/Aya, Mr. Tanaka/Ms. Mitsuya
Rating: T for obvious reasons
Disclaimer: Kodocha © Miho Obana
Author's Note: I came up with the idea for this fic after recently re-watching an episode of South Park called Proper Condom Use. XD I figured it would be hilarious to see how everyone (mainly Sana) would react to learning about sex. I hope you enjoy!
"Students, please settle down!" Ms. Mitsuya pleaded with her sixth grade students, all of whom were paying absolutely no attention to her whatsoever. They were all too busy chatting amongst themselves while throwing random things across the room. Ms. Mitsuya clasped her hands together and held them up in front of her, her eyes shaking. "Students, please!" she begged. "We have a very important lesson to start discussing today. Please settle down!"
But the students' rowdy behavior didn't subside at all. If anything, they all started talking even louder and making even more of a mess of the classroom. The teacher closed her eyes and dropped her hands in defeat. A moment later, the door slid open, and there stood a guilty looking Sana Kurata.
"Sorry I'm late," she began with a hand behind her head, "I—" She suddenly cut herself off as her eyes snapped wide open to see the mess before her. "GAAAHHH, NOT AGAIN!"
"Oh, Sana, thank goodness you're here!" Ms. Mitsuya said. "Your classmates—"
Sana held up a hand to silence her.
"Not to worry, leave it to me!" she said reassuringly. With that, she randomly pulled out a megaphone. "Ahem," she quietly cleared her throat, before putting the megaphone up to her mouth. "QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!" she screeched at the top of her lungs, causing everyone in the room to immediately cringe and throw their hands over their ears.
Everyone, that is, except for Akito Hayama, who had his eyes closed and his arms crossed, looking completely unfazed.
Once Sana was done screaming, she started panting loudly, trying to catch her breath. She carelessly threw the megaphone behind her and looked up at Ms. Mitsuya.
"No…need…to thank me," she said in between gasps for air. She then made her way to her desk and sat down without another word.
"Right…" Ms. Mitsuya said hesitantly, still caught off guard. "Um…thank you for finally settling down, students. Now, as I'm sure you're all aware, today we're going to begin our lesson on sexual education."
A single desk came crashing onto the ground, the student's face landing flat against the floor.
This student was, of course, Sana. Her face was a new bright shade of red as everyone turned their heads to stare at her.
"Sana, are you okay?" she heard her friend, Aya, ask in that high-pitched, concerned voice of hers.
Slowly, Sana got to her feet and straightened her desk, taking her seat once again. Her face was still aflame, though she tried her best to ignore the intense heat in her cheeks as she hesitantly opened her mouth to speak.
"Did…did you say—"
"Sex," came a much deeper voice, belonging to none other than Akito.
Sana sharply turned her head to look at him sitting behind her. She narrowed her eyes at him when he looked at her, a typical calm look on his face.
"I don't see what you're getting so worked up about," he said casually, as though nobody else was in the room, listening intently to his every word. "It's not like it's anything new. Lots of people have sex."
The comment only caused Sana to turn even redder, only now it was more out of anger rather than embarrassment. Her face was so hot that she was practically steaming now, but that still didn't stop her from retaliating.
"Yeah, so what, Akito?" she said, purposely emphasizing his name just to get under his skin, although she could see that it wasn't really having much of an effect on him. She didn't care though. She was too angry to care. "That doesn't mean we have to start learning about…about…you know, that," she went on, too embarrassed to say the actual word. She started shaking her head earnestly. "I mean, we're only 11 years old, for crying out loud! We're way too young to be learning about this stuff right now!"
"Actually," Ms. Mitsuya finally cut in, "the school board decided a long time ago that it's beneficial for students to start learning about sex before they begin middle school. I realize that it's going to be a little embarrassing, but I assure you, students, it won't be that bad! Starting today, and for the rest of this week, we'll be splitting up the class between the boys and the girls so that you can all feel more comfortable as we learn about this subject. I'm going to teach the girls, while Mr. Tanaka will teach the boys in another classroom upstairs."
When the teacher said that, two particular students felt their hearts shatter into pieces. These students were the two known lovebirds of the class, Tsuyoshi and Aya.
"Noooo!" Tsuyoshi cried as he shot up from his seat, tears streaming down his face, "I can't be away from Aya that long! I just can't be! Oh no, WHAT IF WE—"
Just then, Akito karate chopped Tsuyoshi's head without even getting out of his seat.
"Calm down," he ordered. "You're being way too dramatic. You make it sound like you're never gonna see her again."
"But, but," Tsuyoshi protested, rubbing his newly bruised head, "I'm gonna miss her!"
"Get over it," Akito said unsympathetically.
"Oh, Tsuyoshi," Aya whispered to herself, a light blush on her cheeks and small tears in her eyes. "Don't worry, Tsuyoshi, we'll be together again very soon!"
"Ayaaaaa!" Tsuyoshi cried out as the boys began shuffling out of the classroom. He extended his hand out towards her, and she did the same, while Akito dragged him out of the room by the back of his shirt collar.
Once the boys were all gone, Ms. Mitsuya turned to the girls and smiled.
"Well then, why don't we all get into a circle so we can be in a more relaxed setting?" she suggested.
The girls all looked at one another and shrugged. They quietly got out of their seats and began rearranging the desks to form a small circle. Ms. Mitsuya took a seat in the front of the room, placing a textbook on the desk in front of her.
"All right," she said, "now let's get started."
The boys were forced to sit towards the front of the larger classroom upstairs, in two straight rows. Mr. Tanaka stood at the chalkboard, scribbling the words, SEX ED, on it. When he was finished, he placed the chalk down and turned towards the boys.
"Okay, boys, now before you start cracking any wise jokes," Mr. Tanaka began, pausing to glare at them as a warning, "let me start off by saying that sex is a perfectly natural—"
"Have you and Ms. Mitsuya ever had sex?" one of the boys randomly called out, causing a few others sitting around him to immediately break out into low snickering.
Mr. Tanaka turned bright red, his entire body freezing in utter embarrassment.
"I bet they did it in the teacher's lounge," another boy commented, which only caused the boys to start laughing even harder.
"Aww, man, gross!" another one cried as he roared with laughter.
"AH!" Mr. Tanaka exclaimed, his face even redder. "See, this is exactly what I was talking about! All of you boys, cut it out, right now! I mean it!"
"Ooh, Mr. Tanaka!" a boy squealed in a high-pitched tone, mimicking the sound of a woman's voice.
The boys continued laughing while Mr. Tanaka tried to get them to stop, all the while Akito and Tsuyoshi just sat there, quietly.
"You think we should say something?" Tsuyoshi asked, turning to look at Akito.
Akito glanced back at him. "We?"
Tsuyoshi froze for a moment, before he started flailing his arms above his head frantically. "Well we can't just let them—AH!" he cried as Akito karate chopped his head yet again. The calm boy didn't say a word as he got up from his seat, walking past Tsuyoshi and heading towards the other boys. As he passed by each one of them, he extended his hand out and karate chopped them on the head. Each boy let out a loud yelp of pain when Akito struck him. He made his way through the front row of boys and then back down the other way in the second row.
When Akito finally returned to his seat, every boy in the class was muttering something to himself while rubbing his head.
"Damn, what was that for, Akito?" one boy asked, but Akito ignored him as he looked right at Mr. Tanaka.
"THEY PUT IT WHERE?" Sana shrieked in complete and utter horror, her eyes wide and her face a deep shade of crimson. The other girls were blushing as well, but they kept their faces buried behind their books, since they were nowhere near as outspoken as Sana was to blatantly ask a question like that.
Ms. Mitsuya smiled, her eyes closed, as she let out a forced chuckle.
"Please don't make me repeat it, Sana," she said pleadingly.
Sana smacked her hands against the textbook and started frantically flipping through the pages.
"But, but, but…" she said hastily, unable to form a coherent sentence. Finally, though, she shook her head hard and let out a loud noise to express her disgust and frustration. "That's so…GROSS!"
Ms. Mitsuya put a clenched hand up to her mouth, still laughing awkwardly.
"Well…I understand that it may seem gross to you now, but I promise that when you get older, you'll…" The teacher's voice trailed off as her eyes snapped wide open, as though she suddenly realized what she was saying. She looked around at her students, who were all staring back at her expectantly.
"We'll what?" Sana asked with sudden interest in her voice.
The girls continued staring at Ms. Mitsuya as her face turned redder and redder by the second. Not sure what to do, she held up a hand and started waving it back and forth.
"Uh, never mind about that girls," she said dismissively. She promptly dropped her hand and looked down at the textbook in front of her. "Let's just move on, shall we?"
"Hold on, so let me get this straight," one of the boys started.
Mr. Tanaka exhaled in an exasperated sigh, before reluctantly turning away from the chalkboard.
"Yes, what is it?" he asked.
The student stared at him for a moment, his eyes narrowing, until he suddenly blurted out, "When two people have sex, they get totally naked?"
Mr. Tanaka's mouth fell open. It took him a few seconds to shake himself from his shock to actually answer. "Well—"
"Duh," Akito muttered under his breath, though it was still loud enough for everyone else to hear.
All the boys eagerly turned their heads to look at Akito then. He was leaning back in his seat, his arms folded over his chest and his eyes closed, looking as though he didn't care at all about the stuff they were currently learning about.
"Man, you know everything, Akito!" the same boy complimented, to which all the others promptly nodded their heads in agreement.
"Yeah, maybe you should teach us about this stuff instead of Mr. Tanaka!" another one commented. The boys started nodding their heads even more.
Mr. Tanaka quickly held up his hand.
"Hey, wait!" he said, realizing he was starting to lose control once again. "Don't you kids want to learn more from me? After all, I am older! Don't you think I know more about sex than some sarcastic, know-it-all sixth grader?"
"Hey, Akito," one of the boys said, completely ignoring Mr. Tanaka, "can you teach us how to kiss?"
"Oh, yeah!" another one chimed in. "You've already kissed two girls now, right? That girl in kindergarten, and then Sana on our class trip!"
"Yeah, but Sana didn't like it at all," a third one said.
"He still kissed her though," the first one said.
"Twice," Akito wanted to say, but he chose to keep that to himself, since it definitely wasn't something these idiots needed to know about.
The small voice coming from Tsuyoshi snapped Akito out of his thoughts. He turned to him.
Tsuyoshi was blushing furiously as he reached up to rub the back of his neck.
"Well, uh…" he started in a completely shy voice. "You think you could maybe give us some tips on kissing?"
"Why?" Akito asked, slightly amused. "Haven't you and your girlfriend ever kissed before?"
Tsuyoshi froze in embarrassment. "W-Well, see, Aya and I haven't actually…I mean, we haven't…" He finally decided to stop babbling incoherently and just say it. "No, okay, we haven't kissed yet!" He paused to hear Akito's reaction, but the boy remained silent. "So, uh…will you help me? Please?"
Akito stared at him for a while, until he eventually let out a defeated sigh.
"All right, now that we've finally finished discussing the basics about sex," Ms. Mitsuya said, with noticeable relief, "let's move on to…"
"Um, Ms. Mitsuya?" Aya called out softly, her hand raised above her head.
"Ah, yes, Aya?" Ms. Mitsuya asked.
Aya promptly looked down, attempting to hide the blush that was making its way to her cheeks.
"Um, well," she said timidly, "do you think we could talk about something else instead? You know, like—"
"Oh, God, no, NOT THAT!" Sana screamed out of nowhere. "ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
Aya looked up at Sana, her mouth parted open in confusion. "I was just gonna say kissing."
Sana felt all the color drain from her face.
"Oh," she said quietly, before she immediately held up her hand and waved it rapidly back and forth. "Well then, never mind, forget I said anything!"
All the girls continued staring at Sana with confused and suspicious looks on their faces, until Ms. Mitsuya finally broke the silence again.
"Kissing?" she repeated. "What would you like to know exactly?"
Aya's eyes widened, her blush deepening.
"W-Well, I mean…is there anything you could teach us about kissing?" she asked timidly.
"Hey, doesn't Sana know some stuff about kissing?" Mami randomly called out.
"Yeah, that's right," Hisae said, turning towards Sana. "Akito kissed you that one time on our field trip, remember?"
How could I forget? Sana thought bitterly, a scowl forming across her face as she recalled her fruit juice soaked first kiss. But the scowl instantaneously disappeared when she suddenly thought of their second kiss. It was much longer and sweeter than the first one. She remembered being mesmerized by his eyes, before he slowly leaned in and kissed her. She remembered the way his lips felt on hers, so warm and so soft. She remembered how her heart was beating like crazy when he pulled away from her and ran off, leaving her standing there in a daze. She remembered how unbelievably warm she felt, despite the fact that she was standing outside in the freezing cold snow…
"Sana?" Hisae said, immediately jolting Sana out of her thoughts.
"Yeah?" Sana asked. She realized then that she probably had the darkest blush on her face, since her cheeks suddenly felt like they were on fire. Stupid Akito, she thought. This is all his fault.
"Are you okay?" Hisae asked. "You looked like you were spacing out just now."
"Who, me?" Sana said as innocently as she could. "No, no, no, don't be silly!"
"Sana?" Aya spoke again, her voice soft and hesitant. "What did it feel like when Akito kissed you?"
Sana's eyes widened as her mouth fell open of its own accord. She let out a barely audible gasp, before she caught herself and quickly slapped her previously large scowl across her face.
"What does it matter how it felt?" she said angrily. "All I know is that he's a no-good, kiss-stealing, perverted little monkey!"
"Perverted little monkey, huh?"
Speak of the devil.
She snapped her head up and glared right at him, with narrowed eyes and tightly pursed lips.
"Akito," she growled out through gritted teeth.
"Ah, hon—I-I mean, uh, Mr. Tanaka, what are you and the boys doing down here?" Ms. Mitsuya asked as all the boys started filing into the classroom. Mr. Tanaka walked over to her with tears running down his cheeks.
"I tried to stop them," he said in a sorrowful tone, "I really did! They just wouldn't listen to me!"
He fell to his knees, and Ms. Mitsuya quickly reached out and took him in her arms, rubbing his back in a comforting manner. She was no longer paying attention to her students now, all of whom had their eyes locked on Akito as he slowly but surely made his way through the circle of desks, until he stopped in front of Sana. The boys stood near the doorway, watching intently.
Sana's eyes were still narrowed as she lifted her head to look at Akito.
"What the heck do you want, Akito?" she asked with a snarl.
Of course, Akito didn't say anything, just continued staring at her with those big, stupid, hypnotizing eyes of his. Suddenly, though, he smirked and turned to the boys.
"Observe," he said.
He then turned back to Sana, who still had a scowl on her face. Very slowly, he took his hands out of his pockets and extended them towards Sana. The scowl disappeared from her face as her lips parted in confusion. She was just about to scream, "Don't come any closer!" when Akito gently took her face in his hands. She drew in a sharp breath the moment she felt his warm hands touch her skin. Her heart flipped inside her chest as she came to a sudden realization.
He's gonna do it again!
Sana's face grew hotter than before as Akito started inching towards her. Her head was screaming at her to pull away, to pull out her trademark hammer and brutally hit him with it, but for whatever reason, her body stayed frozen in place. Her eyes were locked on his, which were gradually falling shut. As he continued lowering his head to hers, his lips so close to hers that she could feel his warm breath tickling her lips, he suddenly stopped. Confused, she raised her eyebrows and blinked, watching as he pulled back from her and let go of her face.
"And that's pretty much all there is to it," Akito said, before turning towards the boys again. "Any questions?"
Author's Note: I realize the ending was rather abrupt, but I did that on purpose. Leaves it open to interpretation.
Anyway, what'd you think? Was it funny at all? I hope so.