Authors Note: I had this posted up on previously, a while ago, but I wasn't really all that happy with the direction it was going in (which wasn't any) and I found it difficult to keep to my one thousand word limit for each entry. So I took it off and pretty much forgot about it. Lying awake in my bed though, my thoughts went to it again and I decided 'what the heck, I'll write more and put it back up' Hence why it's here. So anyway, to conclude the blabbing, I hope you enjoy this insight into a character I have always felt is hard done by. The M is for language right now and yes, it is going to be a Pansy/Luna. If you don't like it, don't read and then hassle me about it- Bee x Dear Diary
This was a wonderful present; really, I can't believe I never thought of the idea before. Trust Draco to think of it. I know why he bought me this diary, so I can talk to you instead of talking to him about everything. There's times I wonder if Draco really actually cares for me in any way at all. Sure my parents want us to get together but I don't know if he's willing and his parents haven't said anything about it. The Malfoy's probably think that their only son can do much better than a Parkinson. It's a trial, it really is. My parents are trying to use me to better themselves and really all I want is for them to disappear out of my life altogether. If I'm being entirely honest, I wouldn't mind being disowned, if only I got the peace from them and their insatiable ambition. My mother, she wants me to be like her, to stay at home, hold society evenings, and have children, lots and lots of children. My father wants to use me to better the Parkinson name. Neither of them considers what I want. Nobody ever really considers what I want to do with my life. Well, I'm going to tell you now Diary, what I want to do with my life, and what I want in the here and now
I want my parents to stop their stupid games, and I want them to realize that I'm their daughter, not some possession they can throw off to any stranger that they want, so long as they have more money than we do, are Pureblood and are higher up on the social ladder than we are, or if they have to settle, on the same level as us. I want to be free to be who I really am, and to make proper friendships like the one's the 'Golden Trio' have. I want to have a boyfriend who loves me and cares for me, not someone who lusts after what he can't bring himself to go get for fear of his father's wrath. I want to stop playing the bitch.
What I want to do with my life, well, I've never wrote it down or dwelt on it as anything other than a dream, so far away from me and unreachable. I want to work as a clothes designer. I have a few sketches done and these sketches, they were created with certain people in mind. I could never do that though, just as I could never design for the people I want and see them wear the clothes I designed specifically for them. My mother would never allow it because that's not what pureblood women of our 'calibre and high breeding' do. I really don't care what I'm supposed to do. I've had everyone telling me what I'm supposed to do for my entire life. I just wish that I could break free from all that.
Freedom, that's something I don't really have. I could try and take it, and I could try and make my own fortune and my own way but I would be totally on my own. Nobody would support me, all my 'friends' and my family would turn their backs on me and I've had to play the bitch to everyone else. They are good people, but I doubt any of them would take pity on me and help me out. After all, I'm the pug-faced bitch Pansy Parkinson. Yeah, I hear what they call me behind my back. I know what they think of me and every time I see the hatred in their eyes, it hurts. Just a little bit, like a small needle being stuck into my heart. That's why I keep quiet most of the time, unless someone's 'encouraging' me, normally Draco. He tells me that we're giving the Gryffindor's hassle and I can't turn and tell him no. There's too much at stake, I'll lose too much and I'll be totally on my own.
Maybe that's how Draco feels sometimes. I mean, he's totally in love with Hermione Granger and he never does anything about it. He's a right bastard to her because if his father heard anything else then he'd be punished. I know what that feels like. We're trapped, all us Purebloods, except for the 'blood traitors' like the Weasley's. I don't really see how they are betraying their blood. Just because they aren't primitive traditionalists set hundreds of years back in thinking and embrace the new blood being introduced, the new talent to our world in the form of muggle born's. Take Hermione Granger for example. Her parents are muggles, no magical blood in them, and yet she is the most talented witch I have ever seen. I'm jealous of her, of course I am but I have to admit that she is amazing with her magical ability. She is the best example to show the archaic pureblood family's like my own that muggle born's aren't beneath us or anything like that. I wouldn't be surprised if she could beat my own father in a duel with a blindfold obscuring her vision. So much backwards thinking and tradition! I'll tell you what it stinks like to me; cowardice. Too frightened to embrace the real nature of the world. They want to tailor it to suit them so they still stay on top in society and still keep all their hundreds of thousands of galleons. They're frightened they'll lose out and it's pathetic! This fear drives them to follow total psycho's like You-Know-Who whose only desire is to pretty much crush, kill and destroy. He is totally insane and even I can see that he doesn't want the same thing as people like my parents do. He wants power for himself, and he wants to be a self appointed god to rule over all of us. What's the world coming to?
Till later diary,
Pansy Patricia Parkinson