Squirrels took away the disclaimer saying I don't own any Invader Zim characters. Here it is, more madness that hopped into my mind after starting that InvaderZ series! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MADNESS!
Planet of the Vampire Squirrels
"This is the last time we let Gir do the flying!" Zim snarled as he inspected the damage on the ship from the outside. The gang had crash landed the large Borgia ship on a strange planet with purple grass, black trees with purple leaves and a purple sky.
"It wasn't Gir's fault," Gaz glared at Zim. Gaz, Dib and Gir were outside with Zim.
"It wasn't? Wow that's a switch," Gir remarked.
"Why do you blame Zim for this?" Zim asked.
"Because it is your fault," Gaz said. "First we get attacked by those Planet Jackers who blame you for losing their home. We jump into what has to be the stupidest dimensional wormhole in all existence only to be attacked by some other aliens you've ticked off the second we get out of that place! Who were those losers anyway?"
"Well the leader's name was the Overtrouser," Dib explained. "I don't know what he's called now because those aliens no longer live in pants."
"Did you say Pants or Plants?" Gaz raised an eyebrow.
"Pants. As in a pair of pants," Dib sighed. "You see both Zim and I encountered these aliens that lived in these pants that were actually weapons of great power to whoever wore them."
"These were aliens that lived in Power Pants?" Gaz asked.
"Yes," Dib nodded. "Well actually the aliens were kind of in the shape of pants themselves. At first they were going to help Zim take over the world but I convinced some of them that Zim wasn't trustworthy. That kind of led to a little bit of a civil war between the pants aliens which could only be resolved by me and Zim having a dance off. Then what happened…"
"On second thought don't tell me any more," Gaz interrupted as she held up her hand. "It sounds like a rip off of some cartoon with a boy genius in it."
"Yeah that's what a lot of people think when they hear that story," Zim agreed.
"The few that wanted to hear it," Dib snapped. "I HATE HUMANITY SO MUCH! WHY DIDN'T YOU BELIEVE ME? YOU HAD IT COMING! YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED!"
"What is that all about?" Gaz asked.
"He's been doing that all day," Zim groaned. "Screaming things out of the blue."
"Of course I'm screaming things like a maniac! I am trying to go through the stages of grief as fast as I can!" Dib snapped. "I've already done Shock, Denial and Bargaining…"
"Bargaining?" Gaz asked.
"When I reprogrammed the Robo Parents? Tried to use them to replace Dad?" Dib gave her a look.
"Oh right. I guess that counts as Bargaining. Go on," Gaz waved.
"Right now I'm in the middle of Pain and slowly moving towards Anger," Dib said. "I've decided to give Guilt a miss because quite frankly there's nothing for me to feel guilty over. Everybody I hurt deserved what they got."
"Sounds like you're already in Anger," Zim blinked.
"I have thought of replacing Guilt with Self Doubt because you know? The whole clone thing and I keep wondering if I have a soul," Dib said. "Of course if I do have a soul that means I'm probably going to Hell. Maybe I'm better off not having a soul?"
"Thank the Gods Irkens are atheists," Zim groaned. "We don't have to worry about this soul crap. We're here one minute, gone the next. What's to think about?"
"Your people never had religion?" Dib asked.
"Oh yeah ages ago. But we all decided to junk it once the Borgia tried to enslave us and blow up our planet and our gods never came to help us," Zim told him. "We learned religion may be powerful but a good laser blaster is a lot stronger."
"Okay that's enough sacrilege for one day," Gaz sighed. "So what's the damage Zim? To the ship, not our sanity. Because that's pretty much shot to hell."
"YES! HELL IS WHERE MY DAD BELONGS!" Dib yelled. Everyone looked at him. "Sorry. Just trying to get it all out of my system."
"Like I said all sanity has been shot to Hell," Gaz groaned.
"It's not serious," Zim sighed. "But we need to replace the guidance stabilizer."
"Is that important?" Gaz asked. "Can we fly without it?"
"Oh yeah we can fly without it. If you don't mind crashing into another planet or a sun!" Zim gave her a look.
"So we're stuck here?" Dib asked.
"Not necessarily. If this planet is inhabited by a space faring race we might be able to…" Zim checked a data pad in his hand. "Hang on! My scanners are picking up a spacecraft just over that hill in that really spooky looking forest over there."
"Of course it would be in a spooky looking forest," Dib said sarcastically as they walked away. "Where else would it be in? Not a nice safe well lit area! Oh no! That's too plausible for Dib!"
"Dib, you're becoming more annoying than usual," Gaz glared at Dib.
"Excuse me for being emotionally scarred for life!" Dib snapped.
"If you don't shut up you're gonna be scarred for life period!" Gaz threatened.
"We're going on a picnic!" Gir danced ahead. "We're going on a picnic!"
"This is so stupid and annoying," Gaz grumbled.
"Oh really? I'm expelling rainbows from my butt because I'm so happy to be stuck with all of you!" Zim snapped. "Which means I am not expelling rainbows from my butt because I am happy to be with you! It means just the opposite!"
"Yes, Zim we all know what sarcasm is!" Dib snapped.
"If anything comes from my butt it is clouds of doom, gloom and pain!" Zim shouted. "As well as any other non pleasant smelling gases of any bodily functions."
"Gee Zim could you beat this metaphor to death any more?" Gaz asked.
"See! You don't have to explain sarcasm to us because Gaz is a master of it!" Dib asked. "She could give lessons on sarcasm at a sarcasm honors class at Sarcasm University!"
"And you could teach professional annoying people how to be more annoying at Annoying State College in Annoyingville USA!" Gaz shouted.
"I sense tension among the group," Gir stopped and looked at them.
"Wow Gir, your intelligence chip seems to be actually working today," Gaz remarked. "Did Zim not do something to you?"
"You know I am really getting tired of all of you complaining about every little thing that goes wrong around here!" Zim snapped.
"Well maybe if you didn't screw up so much we wouldn't complain? Ever think of that Zim?" Dib snapped.
"He's got you there Master," Gir said.
"Shut up Gir! And you…Dib," Zim snarled. "It is bad enough being bonded to you for life as a war brother, I don't need your constant annoying noises from your huge giant head!"
"Oh picky! Picky! Picky!" Dib snapped. "The honeymoon is definitely over!"
"Will you two be quiet? We're here!" Gaz said as they arrived at a familiar looking ship. "Hey isn't this ship a…?"
"It is! This is an Irken ship," Zim frowned as he inspected it. "According to the computer this is Invader Dool's ship. I remember Dool. He was a year ahead of me at the academy. Was picked first in his class and sent off to conquer Planet Silkeon. The planet where they made the softest blankets and bed sheets."
"Let me guess, inhabited by intelligent silkworms," Dib asked.
"No. Intelligent silk spiders," Zim corrected. "After he got out of the hospital after Operation Impending Doom One he was sent on a mission. This must have been the planet he was assigned too. But where is he? An invader of his class would never leave his ship out in the open like this."
"I found him!" Gir pointed behind a rock. "I found him!"
Behind the rock was a skeleton of an Irken. "Oh goody," Dib remarked. "Isn't this an omen of joy? What kind of stupid planet did you crash land on us on Zim?"
"I don't know. I'm trying to remember what planet Dool was assigned to," Zim thought.
"Ooh! Look at that! Look at the squirrel!" Gir pointed happily. It was a small reddish squirrel looking at them. "Hi squirrel! Hi!"
The squirrel chattered to them. "He says who the hell are you? That's a funny greeting?" Gir blinked. "I'm gonna go play with him!" He skipped over to play with the squirrel. "Hi squirrel! I wanna hug you!"
"Since when does Gir speak squirrel?" Gaz raised an eyebrow.
"Oh flerk! I just figured out what planet we're on!" Zim gasped. "We're on planet Twila! The home of…"
Suddenly hundreds of squirrels popped out of nowhere. Then the squirrel's eyes turned red. They opened their mouths revealing not bucked teeth but sharp vampire fangs. One black squirrel snarled and chattered on top of a stump.
"He says he's Mephisto, the dark lord of the Vampire Squirrels and we are all doomed!" Gir said cheerfully. "YAY!"
"Gir! Being doomed is a bad thing when it happens to us!" Zim snapped. "How many times do I have to explain that to you?"
"Mephisto, the dark lord of Vampire Squirrels?" Dib blinked.
"Wow. Space is just as stupid as Earth," Gaz remarked.
"SQUEEEEEEEEE!" Mephisto the Squirrel Vampire Lord screamed. The vampire squirrels attacked.
"Aw they're biting me!" Gir chirped happily as several squirrels bit him. Then the squirrels screamed in agony for as you can imagine, biting a metal robot is not a very smart thing to do.
"BLAST THEM!" Gaz yelled. She and Dib whipped out small blasters from their pockets and started shooting the vampire squirrels. "Set your blasters to disintegrate!"
"Yeah since they're already dead, destroying their bodies is a good move!" Dib agreed as he fired.
"Where did you guys get blasters?" Zim asked.
"From the ship! We put them in our pockets!" Dib snapped.
"Yeah in case we ran into any more of your friends," Gaz said sarcastically. "Just get the part we need. We'll hold them off!"
"I have a better idea!" Zim said as he got into the ship. "Get in! This ship can still fly!"
"I'm making new friends!" Gir chirped as more squirrels tried to bite him and ended up with broken teeth as a result. "Hello little friends!"
The squirrels roared. Mephisto chattered some orders and more squirrels swarmed the Voot Cruiser just as the gang got in. "Hey! Get off the windshield!" Zim yelled. "I can't see! AAAAHHH!"
The ship flew around covered in squirrels. Dib found the lasers and fired shooting squirrels everywhere. Zim found the windshield wipers and knocked enough squirrels off to see he was going to fly into a tree. "AAAAHHH!" He screamed.
"AAAAAHH!" Dib screamed.
Gaz didn't scream. Just grimaced. "Pull up you moron!"
Zim did. Several more Vampire Squirrels showed up. "They're trying to bite through!" Zim yelled. "Don't let them bite us!"
"So we won't become the undead, got it," Dib said as he fired the blasters, blowing up trees and squirrels.
"Actually I meant don't let them bite us so we don't get rabies and squirrel cooties," Zim said. "But yeah. Being undead and having our blood sucked out would be bad too."
"Did I say space was as stupid as Earth?" Gaz snarled. "It's actually stupider!"
"Shouldn't that be more stupid?" Dib asked as he stopped firing and looked at her.
"Just keep firing!" Gaz ordered. She spoke through the PA system. "Gir attack the squirrels!"
"Yes! Sir!" Gir's eyes turned red and he went into defense mode. Lasers popped out of his head and started to shoot the squirrels.
"Let's go! Let's go!" Gaz ordered.
"Gaz, I'm flying as fast as I can!" Zim snapped. "Dib is doing the shooting…What are you doing? Playing stewardess?"
"Sending a message to the computer on the ship to be ready for us!" Gaz snapped as she worked the communicator.
After Gir shot several squirrels he went out of duty mode. "Yay! I'm helping!"
Just then Mephisto made another order. Suddenly thousands of squirrels came together and formed one giant enormous vampire squirrel made of vampire squirrels.
"RARRRRRRR!" The creature roared.
"Uh oh…" Gir's antennae drooped.
With a quick gulp the vampire squirrel creature ate him. "I don't wanna be a taco!" Gir shouted as he was swallowed. "BYE BYE BOOM!"
"Errrr?" The giant creature blinked.
"WHEEEEEEEEEE!" Gir flew through the sky as charred remains of vampire squirrels fell all around him.
This had not gone unnoticed by the others. "Okay since when can Gir do that?" Dib blinked.
"Search me. This is new," Zim blinked.
"Just fly the ship!" Gaz shouted.
Gir crash landed at the feet of the ship. "Hi ship! I'm home!" Gir said cheerfully as he lay there.
"Gir! Get in here you stupid…" Zim snapped as he used a magnet in the Voot Cruiser to grab Gir.
They managed to make it into the ship just before the squirrels attacked. Soon squirrels were covering the ship's outside, trying to claw and bite their way in.
"Zim you'd better hurry up those repairs," Gaz ordered.
"Zim is working as fast as he can!" Zim snapped as he started to scavenge the extra Voot Cruiser.
"Come on Dib! Let's get to the lasers! Computer! Do we have anything that can remove these pests?" Gaz ordered as they ran to the bridge. Gir followed them.
"Just some bombs, lasers. The usual," The Computer told them.
"Dib you man the ship's controls. I'll take the lasers," Gaz pointed.
"Gir, tell those stupid squirrels if they don't want any more trouble they'll let us leave in peace!" Dib said.
Gir did so in squirrel language. The squirrels stopped attacking and laughed. "What are they laughing about?" Dib snapped.
"They said that the stupid big headed boy is funny trying to make demands," Gir translated.
"I AM NOT STUPID!" Dib yelled.
"CHEE! CHEE! CHEE!" The squirrels taunted.
"Oh really? Well try this on for size!" Dib's face turned red and he shoved Gaz out of her seat.
"HEY! Dib I'm gonna…" Gaz snarled.
"YOU THINK I'M STUPID HUH? WELL CHOKE ON THIS YOU STUPID FURRY FANGED RATS!" Dib screamed, his face had gone red as he started firing the lasers.
The squirrels surrounding the ship were being blown to pieces. As well as the ground, trees and anything else in Dib's line of fire. "DIE SQUIRRELS! DIE!" Dib screamed like a maniac.
"O-kay…" Gaz blinked. "Maybe you were right to take the lasers Dib?"
"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Dib screamed, he was practically foaming at the mouth.
"Wow look at all the body parts," Gir remarked.
"I think I'm going to take the controls," Gaz said as she slid into the pilot's seat.
"Finished," Zim walked in brushing his hands. "It was easy. All I had to do was…"
"All I wanted to hear!" Gaz floored the engines. The ship took off.
Dib kept firing. "WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF MY HEAD? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S THE SUREST WAY TO END UP DEAD? Hey I made a rhyme!"
"What's going on with Dib?" Zim blinked.
"Looks like he's back in his anger phase," Gaz groaned as they flew.
"People are always laughing at me. Well they are not gonna laugh anymore!" Dib screamed as he kept firing. "Aren't there any bigger bombs on this ship?"
"Oh yeah. Here let me get that," Zim pressed a button.
A huge bomb fell from the ship as they flew away. Soon a huge mushroom type cloud covered half the planet. "Zim what did you do that for?" Gaz yelled.
"What? I didn't want to be left out!" Zim put his hands on his hips.
"Okay that's enough destruction for today," Gaz said as the ship left the planet's orbit.
"No it's not! Not nearly enough! I want them to explode!" Dib snarled. Then he started to laugh madly. "And they are gonna explode real good! HA HA HA!" He ran out of the room.
"Why is he…?" Then it hit Gaz. "Uh oh…"
"Oh no…He's not gonna do what I think he's gonna do again is he?" Zim groaned.
"You mean link up your Voot Cruiser's temporal flux capacitator and it's reverse polarity generator to this ship's reverse thrust engines?" Gaz asked. "A very real possibility. Dib is so predictable sometimes."
"So basically we're going to see a repeat of what happened on Earth?" The Computer remarked.
The planet below them was engulfed in a huge blast. "Looks like it," Gaz said.
"HOW'S THIS FOR STUPID YOU RAMPAGING RODENTS?" Dib screamed as he fired the thrusters. Just like what happened on Earth. "You know once isn't enough for you! How about again? And again! And again!"
"This is starting to become a habit," Gaz winced as she saw the planet below get hit repeatedly.
"An expensive habit!" Zim snapped. "Dib you're gonna wear out my flux capacitator! Do you have any idea how much they cost?"
"Computer raise the shields now!" Zim yelled as the planet below them exploded.
"Rush, rush, rush. You're always in a rush," The Computer grumbled.
"Just do it! Oh wait you did it," Zim remarked as the debris of what was once Twila hit the shields. "Fortunately the shields can handle this debris. He really blew up that planet good didn't he?"
"Whoa…Remind me not to tease Dib about his big head for a while," Gaz's jaw dropped.
"Who's laughing now?" Dib cackled as he made his way to the bridge. He looked at the rubble out in space. He started to laugh manically.
"Whoa. Déjà vu all over again," Zim remarked as he looked out the window.
"Dib what have you done?" Gaz gasped. "You blew up the planet!"
"Yeah and my polarity generator in my Voot Cruiser will never be the same again!" Zim grumbled.
"Good thing we got a spare," Gir shrugged. "Aww, I wanted to hug the squirrels."
"Those things were filthy!" Zim snapped. "I can't believe you blew that planet up Dib!"
"You mean you can't believe I did something you couldn't do," Dib gave him a look.
"I could do it! I just didn't get a chance to!" Zim snapped.
"Dib you blew up a planet full of vampire squirrels," Gaz was stunned as she looked at her brother.
"They deserved it. They laughed at me Gaz!" Dib snarled. "The squirrels laughed at me!"
"So you blew up a planet because the inhabitants laughed at you?" Gaz asked.
Dib blinked. "Well yeah. They hurt my feelings so I…Oh. It does sound kind of bad when you say it like that. I overreacted didn't I?"
"Kind of a toss up. They were kind of trying to eat us," Zim admitted.
"Dib, what have you become? You're no longer that sweet gentle boy that wanted to study the stars," Gaz said. "You've become a horrible monster filled with rage, destroying everything he touches leaving nothing behind but despair and pain and devastation!"
She smiled. "I have never been more proud of you!" She gave her brother a hug.
"Okay we really have got to do something about this group's mental state here," Zim groaned.
"I'm a squirrel!" Gir ran about chattering away. "We're all squirrels!"
"No, but you're all certainly nuts!" Zim groaned.