A/N: About four years ago, when I was thirteen, I wrote a fanfiction about the Death Eaters and Voldemort called "We're Taking Over: Plans A through Z" that, let's be honest, was absolutely ridiculous. They constructed plans lettered A through Z to try and destroy Harry Potter, with such devices as "Alphabits" and "Dance Dance Revolution". At times, it was actually hysterical. Of course, it was pulled by this site, and the documents disappeared somewhere between computers, and the files can be found on neither the new nor the old.
So I recently *cough* five minutes ago *cough* resolved to rewrite this odd tale, as I like to think that four years experience has made me a superior writer, as well as about eight times as insane as I was.
This is the new version of that story. Some of the plans are similar, but mostly it's just me spouting even more silliness, as I've got loads of it in me. Enjoy. Or don't. As it's written in script, it will most likely be pulled again, but I'll repost it just to be a pain in the ass.
Disclaimer: I own absolutely none of this.
We're Taking Over Revisited- Prologue
(In a den located somewhere at the center of the earth, because that's where Voldemort is likely to hide out, the Dark Lord sits perched upon a throne made of molten rock, his faithful Death Eaters before him. They are surrounded by cascading falls of lava, as is to be expected. Ho-hum and such.)
Voldemort: Friends…Douche bags…Countrymen…lend me your ears…
Bellatrix: (pulls out knife and begins to sever ear.)
Voldemort: (disgusted) …figuratively.
Bellatrix: (holding ear) I feel like such a dork.
Lucius: Yeah, well, go with the feeling.
Voldemort: Gather round, my minions, gather round. It's time for a story.
Dolohov: Can it be about a princess this time?
Dolohov: (begins to cry) Pretty please? Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top and sprinkles and mushrooms and pinecones and laxatives?
Voldemort: That is simply the most revolting "please" I've ever heard in my life. But to the point, I lied, it's not story time. An issue has recently come to my attention…
Wormtail: My Lord, is this about the elephant in the room?
Voldemort: The elephant in the room? (paranoid) ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY HORCRUXES?
Wormtail: Er…your what now? I was referring to the elephant in the room (gestures to the elephant that just so happens to be standing in the room).
Voldemort: (breathes a sigh of relief) Oh, yes, Ludacris there. Give him your warmest welcome. BUT TO BUSINESS, I have meaning to choose a new name for my lackeys. Death Eaters is rather boring, it makes you all sound like the ghosts from Pac Man.
Bellatrix: I think it's a brilliant name, my lord, but of course, anything you dream up would be the most splendid utterance that was ever spoken.
Voldemort: There's a time and a place for this sort of ass-kissing, Bellatrix, and it's usually a dark room once I've had a few drinks of Windex and there are no reruns of Grey's Anatomy for me to watch.
Bellatrix: (blushing) My apologies, my lord.
Voldemort: Very well, very well. The point being, I have grown rather tired of the moniker "Death Eaters", it makes it sound like you remove death from the world rather than create death. The only death I wish to remove from the world is mine! And Phil Collins', I rather like him.
Rookwood: Isn't "creating death" a bit of a paradox?
Voldemort: NO ONE ASKED YOU, ROOKWOOD, AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO INTERUPT ME I WILL TRANSFIGURE YOU INTO A MUTATED SEA CUCUMBER. Anyway, I'm open to suggestions for the new name, as long as they aren't as stupid as I expect them to be. Preferably something involving death, but more like you spread death…
Amycus: Death spreaders?
Voldemort: No, no, that reminds me of Nutella.
Nott: Death spewers.
Voldemort: No, that's not a word, the improper grammar will bother me…
Greyback: Death rippers!
Voldemort: Have you been listening to anything I've said?
Rowle: Death spitters!
Macnair: We love death!
Alecto: Shred your face off with a cheese grater!
Yaxley: ARGENTINIAN HAMSTER SPONGE!
Voldemort:…What…in the hell…
Yaxley: I have no regrets.
Voldemort: Clearly. As you are all too incontinent to—
Narcissa: I believe you mean incompetent.
Voldemort: Oh yes, malapropisms and such. As you all suck too much to come up with your own name, I am thus crowning you all THE DEATH PISSERS. That's right, you piss death. Voldemort- 1, Death Pissers-0. Our first order of business is to KILL HARRY POTTER.
Narcissa: Funny, I thought that was our ONLY order of business…
Voldemort: LUCIUS, HOW DID YOUR ALBINO PEACOCKS GET DOWN HERE? Oh, wait, that's your wife. Excuse me, Narcissa, for I was confused seeing as you are not a Death Pisser and no one asked for your opinion. But, nonetheless, Harry Potter remains living, and I have compiled a list of plans A through Z to destroy him. You will all assist me, of course, or I'll eat you.
Greyback: That used to be my thing…
Voldemort: Well, I was rather fond of it, so I'm stealing it.
Greyback: Well I might as well not even be here!
Voldemort: I rather say the author of this abomination has too many Death Pissers to juggle as it is, but you may prove useful in due course, so I'll refrain from killing you just yet.
Greyback: You're too kind.
Voldemort: Now, let us discuss the things we came here to discuss…we attack at dawn. Or rather, breakfast.
We're Taking Over Revisited- Prologue
A/N: Welcome to this odd collection. Feel free to read as I send the newly crowned "Death Pissers" through the alphabet, with mind-numbingly insipid plots to kill Harry Potter, which sometimes sound like the writing journal of a kindergartner with ADHD. And of course, Snape will be there to half-heartedly sabotage their plots in attempts to save Lily Evans' son from the…well, we can't really call it doom…impending…something…that Voldemort has planned for him.
We'll see how this goes then.