Hello everyone! I am aware that I have been M.I.A. for quite a bit, and for that I apologize. I have good news; I got into my top choice school! Too bad I can't afford to go there. Life sucks sometimes, huh?
I have every intention to finish this and get all the way through the alphabet, mostly because I have some pretty elaborate (and awesome, in my eyes at least) plans for "Z". You can probably guess what's involved from the limited number of words that start with "Z". There's a reason it's worth so many scrabble points.
But, don't let me bore you with details.
We're Taking Over Revisited- Plan "C is for Cannibalism"
(It's that time of year again, the annual Death Pisser social, where the kids get to dress up and dance to "If I Had a Hammer" and "Splish Splash, I Was Taking a Bath". Only one thing is missing from this totally exhilarating and not-at-all-boring bash: refreshments)
Greyback: Your Voldiness, where's the food?
Voldemort: I'm sorry, what? You'll have to speak up so that everyone can hear you.
Greyback: (shouting) WHERE IS THE FOOD?
Voldemort: (putting an arm around him) Why, I'm so glad you asked! You see, since the author has abandoned us for a few months, we haven't had any opportunities to try KILING HARRY POTTER!
Greyback: I don't understand where you're going with this…
Voldemort: Well, I have special refreshments for all of the Death Pissers tonight. (A trapdoor opens up in the floor and a platform emerges, upon which Harry, Ron, and Terry Boot? are tied together. Tonight, in celebration of our first annual Death Pisser Social, you all have the honor of participating in my Plan C to conquer Harry Potter: CANNIBALISM!
Greyback: I don't think it counts as cannibalism if I eat them. I will gladly partake though!
Voldemort: Well if it's not cannibalism, I don't want you involved. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Rowle: What'd you do THAT for?
Voldemort: I'm a free bitch, baby. I do what I want. (addressing all of the Death Pissers) Now, everybody grab a fork and some chocolate syrup, or Tabasco sauce, whichever, and dig in to Harry Potter, his ginger friend, and… that other kid!
Terry Boot: I have a name, you know.
Voldemort: (crouching down and baby talking to him) I bet you do little guy! I bet you have a name all your own!
(The Death Pissers begin adding condiments to Harry, Ron, and Terry. By the time they're done, they come to the realization that they're actually going to have to eat them…gross.)
Narcissa: Okay, this is disgusting. You didn't actually expect cannibalism to be a good idea, did you?
Voldemort: It's vicious and perfect! This sort of savagery and evil is what I expect of my villains! Right, Amycus?
Amycus: (stops attempting to eat Terry Boot's left earlobe) RIGHT!
Lucius: But what happens when we get THE HUNGER?
Voldemort: (looks around suspiciously) The what now?
Lucius: (dramatically, with a flourish of the cape he's wearing) THE HUNGER! The insatiable appetite for human flesh!
Voldemort: (Sucking on his thinking pipe and stroking his thinking beard) I've never heard of that. What does it entail?
Narcissa: Shot in the dark here, but I'm going to say it involves developing an insatiable appetite for human flesh.
Voldemort: Huh. That's an interesting point you raise there, Giant Albino Peacock. But where I stand, an insatiable taste for human flesh in my minions sounds exactly like something I would want.
Lucius: PERHAPS…except that the hunger knows no bounds, it has no distinction between who is a friend and who is not…friends are food as well…
Voldemort: So what you're saying is that, if I force my Death Pissers to partake in cannibalism, they'll all start eating each other? PERFECT, let the dining commence!
Lucius: (throws a fit) I made that whole thing up! We were supposed to do pancakes for dinner tonight! YOU PROMISED.
Voldemort: We're not doing brinner until you shave your back hair like you promised! It keeps scratching my empty crotch during our human spoon-ipede!
Bellatrix: (panting, her mouth covered in chocolate syrup from trying to nom on Ron's foot) My lord, the skin is too tough, we're going to have to cook them.
Voldemort: COOK? But…but…cannibalism is only fun if it's live!
Macnair: (Looks up from licking Harry's kneecaps) My lord, she's right, this just isn't working!
Voldemort: Dammit…I forgot the spit and the fire pit, we're just going to have to let them go!
Narcissa: I'm really not seeing the logic here?
Snape: There isn't any, just let it go.
(Harry, Ron, and Terry Boot are untied. Harry and Ron run out of the lair, and Terry Boot moves to follow but is restrained by Wormtail)
Wormtail: You wanted to keep this one, my lord?
Voldemort: Yes, yes. (Inspects Terry) He's perfect! I have big plans for you, my dumpling!
Terry: Oh dear god…
(The next day, Voldemort sits on his throne, while Terry Booth, dressed as a mime, rides a unicycle around the pools of Magma while singing "Who Let the Dogs Out".)
Voldemort: (Giggling and clapping as Terry falls and loses a sleeve to magma) I like how he breaks the stereotype of mime by emitting noises! Teeheehee!
Plan "C is for Cannibalism"
I know, that wasn't much of a chapter, but I'm trying to get something out to make up for the fact that I haven't posted anything in a very long time. I work an eight hour tomorrow though, which means I should be able to crank out something halfway decent for Plan D, since I'll be sitting at a desk doing a whole lot of nothing for quite a few hours.