Disclaimer: I own Nothing, the song(s) belong to Andrew Lloyd Weber as DeathNote belongs to Tsugumi Ohba.
LxLight if you haven't already guessed. Slightly OOC Light, though it's more of what may or may not be Light. As we will never be able to fully understand him, or L.
Light woke with a start, he'd been having nightmares that disrupted his normal sleeping pattern ever since L released him for the night after his confinement. The Kira percentages had gotten noticeably smaller since he was freed, but there was still a chance of him being Kira so he was put under constant watch with L chained to him. But…he should have never asked for a night of freedom, no matter how much he'd wanted it. He was being haunted, in a sense, by a malicious voice and crimson eyes with a face so much like his own. But he knew he was not Kira, the soul inside him was. He despised himself for being so weak as to have been captured and to have the name of Kira thrust upon him. He believed that no one had the right to judge and execute, yet he was forced to bear Kira-he just wanted to be free.
He sighed, sitting up and shaking his head.
And yet, he wanted to stay, because L was there. He knew he felt something more then friendship for the strange man, but he could not say he completely loved him, for since L could never love someone like him, no matter how equal, his love would not be completed.
He could feel a headache coming, he hated this, what had he done to deserve such uncertainty? He buried his head in his arms as he drew his knees up to his chest, much like the cause of his heartache, was doing as he typed away on the laptop.
"Light-kun seemed to be having a bad dream and is now looking very stressed." L paused a moment before adding. "Were you dreaming of yourself Kira? Or are you stressed because you know something about him but refuse to tell me."
Light tightened his hold around his knees, before slowly letting go and laying back down with a sigh of "No, I'm just…tired" The way he strained the word was barely noticeable, but nonetheless L heard it, and stopped typing. He turned his head slightly to look at his suspect, but he had already closed his eyes, even breaths flowing out of pouty pink lips. If L had been looking at Light while he made his customary accusation he would have seen the forlorn look on his face that brought out his dark, pained eyes.
This time, Light awoke from a dreamless slumber that had brought him nothing but anxiety and more fatigue. He followed L out of the room after changing into his usual attire, only he had left the coat and tie behind, too drowsy to care. But he quickly covered any sign of this as he entered the headquarters, hardly a pace behind the world famous detective.
Sighing again as he sat down, Light went to work though, he knew it wouldn't matter, because the person they were hunting was…him.
But, not him, he didn't like the fact that he was practically lying to…Ryuuzaki, for now, because before when the genius had accused him and interrogated him, his answer was the truth. He wasn't Kira, but now, he was.
He greatly wanted to turn himself in-but then he'd never be able to see the antisocial panda and he'd be viewed even lower in the detectives bottomless, black eyes. He just couldn't believe that the insomniac considered Light, his number one suspect as a friend. This was partly because Ryuuzaki never told him the truth, partly because Ryuuzaki believed him to be Kira even when he wasn't, and partly, because Light wanted to be more than friends, but if it made Ryuuzaki happy then he'd continue to be just friends.
It was so tiring trying to keep up this facade, he couldn't tell who he was anymore as he had seemingly locked his true self inside all the masks he'd been forced to put up, even around his family. Always having expectations thrust upon him, never being able to do something he favored so his Father could keep his airs. He did enjoy detective work and him being able to bring criminals to justice was also good, but he was never able to do what he was once allowed because of this. He understood why his Father feared that if someone were to find out they'd consider him an embarrassment, or something else he didn't understand why it mattered.
He didn't want this, he wished he could do it again...but now he just wanted to fade from all this pressure and confusion. His shoulder slouched as he unconsciously pulled his legs up to his chest, typing the results without thought, his mind growing heavy.
His vision began to blur as the bright light from the computer disappeared into the white snow of a grave yard. He quickly spun around, observing all the stone statues of angels. The melancholy from this scene began to form long lost words from his mind as he gazed at the tomb worn from what must have been hundreds of years, even more, there were no engravings. Just an extravagant tomb.
He had felt something inside him he had not felt for years, a painful tug on his chest-he wanted to…sing the words spiraling around him. Lips red from the cold opened, a deep breath filling his lungs as an image of L appeared in his mind, oh how he wished he could always be somewhere near…but that would never be.
You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered…
You were once a friend and father then my world was shattered .
L, Father, Kira…
Wishing you were somehow here again, wishing you were somehow near…
L…he'd never be near me…
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here…
But you never will.
Wishing I could hear your voice again, knowing that I never would.
I never will.
Dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed I could.
But of course, I'll have to do what Father wants even if I dream.
Passing bells and sculpted angels, cold and monumental, seem for you the wrong companions; you were warm and gentle…
Father is warm and gentle, just not to me anymore.
Pausing as the bells chimed, he slowly sat down at the base of the steps letting the cold snow cover him in shining jewels. Another breath and he continued. His thought's ringing out along with his voice.
Too many years fighting back tears, why can't the past just die?
Why can't it?
Wishing you were somehow here again, knowing we must say goodbye.
Try to forgive, teach me to live, give me the strength to try!
No more memories, no more silent tears! No more gazing across the wasted years.
Help me say goodbye…
Help me say goodbye…
'I just…I just want…' Light couldn't complete himself, his heart longed for something but he could not name it. A new pain began crushing his heart, he felt so...
Wandering child so lost, so helpless Yearning for my guidance.
Light looked up as the new voice was heard. It was so comforting, soothing, hypnotic. He sung back, curious as to who it was.
Angel or Father? Friend or Phantom? Who is it there staring?
Have you forgotten your angel..?
'Angel...? I know you...Please help me!' his entire being practically screamed.
Angel oh, speak What endless longings, Echo in this whisper!
Too long you have wandered in winter, Far from my fathering gaze…
He paused a fraction of a second to wonder, it all sounded so familiar, this conversation in song. He sung out once again.
Wildly my heart beats against you…
the voice answered as he sang with him.
Yet your/my soul obeys…
Angel of music!
I/you denied you/me
Turning from true beauty…
Now the answers were overlapping but Light could only hear the mysterious voice.
Do not shun me…Come to me, your strange angel.
The tone changed as the man continued
I am your Angel of Music…
Nodding, Light shivered, the voice was melodiously powerful, it felt as though it were pulling at his very being to enter the tomb. Walking slowly up the steps the stone door slid open as the inside glowed a frightening crimson.
Come to me, Angel of Music…
Such a sweet seduction the mans voice was, Light could not resist. He reached a trembling hand towards the bloody light, so close…
The snowy scenery shattered as Light fell to the floor. Blinking he looked around, he saw the gray ceiling, computers, the task force, and L.
Tilting his head in confusion he asked most intelligently "Wha?" It took him a bit to realize that what he had been seeing was not real and that he was looking like an idiot and causing suspicion. A dull pain on his cheek, rubbing at it slightly he stood up.
"Light-kun was very distracted and was not responding to my calls so I kicked him." He looked into the detectives eyes and saw a very small trace of…worry? Shaking his head his fist flew forward and Ryuuzaki's legs flew up, but before anything happened Light stopped his fist right in the center of the pale man's face. All movement stopped as he slowly moved his fist up to his forehead and…flicked Ryuuzaki with a surprisingly loud thwack.
Said person's eyes widened slightly, lowering his leg. "Ouch" was all he said. As Light made another one of his fake smiles "Sorry L, I was just tired so there's no need to wo-stop working." He quickly covered. He didn't want L to know he thought he was worrying about him, because, after all, that's just impossible.
Thumb on those pale lips Light so desperately wanted L announced after a moment "Today and tomorrow will be break days, you need not come as it seems you all are exhausted."
Mocha eyes widened slightly as relief breezed through him, but he also new that this meant L wanted something, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to answer. The other officers hurriedly left the room, including Light's father who spared only a glance at his son.
Soon, the room was empty leaving the two alone. A tug on the chain had Light being dragged by Ryuuzaki as they made their way to the room shared between them. Once inside Light wasted no time in shedding his pants as he climbed into bed, waiting for L to get on the other side.
More added weight shifted the bed as Light slowly began to close his eyes, desperately trying to relax.
The tell-tale clacks of the laptops keyboard calmed young detective enough to mindlessly cuddle closer to his peer, curling around him as he pulled his knees to his stomach in a way to protect him from the nightmares to come. Light thought about what would have happened had he gone inside the tomb, he knew now that that place was somewhere his mind had created, filled with memories, a graveyard for them. He shuddered at the thought that he could have been consumed by that red light, but he still wondered what would have happened if he had. Would the pain have gone? Would he fade from this existence?
But, who was calling to him? It was so...sinful, that voice which had sang to him. He wanted to find it again but his fear was evident. He was not yet ready for anything drastic. Now, more grateful than ever for the panda bear-like man's presence, even with the heartache he murmured without thought "Thank you, Mr. Panda bear…"
Light was an enigma, an unsolvable puzzle that L was determined to unravel. Light didn't seem like he could be Kira at all, especially after the fifty day confinement. L had never really suspected Light of being Kira, his eyes didn't hold the darkness a murderer would have, but the evidence was astounding, pointing to Light almost every time though it had to be impossible. But, he had been fooled once, just once so he could not let his guard down. Light being of an IQ rivaling his own he could easily hide any hints to his true nature. The fact that Light was able to change his persona so easily was proof of that.
Ever since the time L had Light be free for the night, he had changed, unseen to most but his trained eye and experience of watching the boy told him different. His men who he had follow Light said they had lost him for about two hours and when they finally found him he was laying on a bench in a nearby park.
When they had returned they examined Light's body in case something had happened-but nothing was found. The look in Light's eyes now was unreadable which was unnerving for the detective, those milky chocolate eyes of his had darkened to the color of bitter black coffee. Blech.
He was becoming even more worried by Light's recent actions, not even caring to look in the mirror or wear all of his clothes. The way Light had awoken that one time was even more cause more that foreign feeling, the way he had curled into a ball after having awoken from a nightmare. A sick heavy feeling radiating off him in waves, he realized that accusing him of being Kira had been the wrong action. Even more, Light's reaction to it was...strangely disappointing. He was so used to a vehement comeback that he was not aware Light might actually take so much offense that he wouldn't even fight back.
That's not something Kira would do...now it was eight percent possible instead of the ten percent that Light was Kira.
The event in the task room was the most alarming though, no matter how many times L had called to Light he hadn't even twitched as though he were in a trance created by his own mind. He had finally kicked Light out of his chair, which snapped him out of his trance, but his eyes were beginning to clear as he was brought back to the real world. L had quickly explained the situation in a way which he new would aggravate Light. He was slightly happy when he saw him lunge forward, fist aiming straight for his face, he drew his leg up quickly anticipating the blow. But stopped when Light stopped, L remained still trying to understand what he was doing. A slight pain on his forehead answered his query.
"Ouch" was all he could think of, surprised by the act of non-violence. Looking at those expressive eyes he saw weariness and a slight waver in Light's stance. That's it, he needed a break, he would not have these kind of distractions during work hours. As he announced the two day break he saw the relief along with a low cheer from the officers.
L realized that Light was even more exhausted than he seemed, falling into bed without properly changing. Yet he was still polite enough to let him climb in and get his laptop to continue his work. Heat gathered around his side as Light curled into him but he did not stop typing.
"Thank you, Mr. Panda Bear." Came a soft childish murmur that froze him to the spot. That was...unexpected. 'Light's condition is worse than I thought' came the daunting realization. What was he being thanked for? He'd have to ask Light-kun tomorrow he supposed.
But, he could wait...after all, it was only another nine hours before he woke.
This is my very first Death Note fanfiction and I want to make it perfect because the characters are so complex. So I apologize beforehand if it takes me awhile to get another chapter. I know Light is a bit OOC, and that him singing must be something new. But I've always believed that Light had suppressed and forgotten his real self which could be anything. I just wanted to show a more soft side to him, since if he wasn't Kira and had a slightly different unseen childhood would change him. The song he was singing was "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" and the part with the unknown voice was "Wandering Child" you can find them both on youtube. I'll be using more songs from Phantom of the Opera because I believe it fits his...Predicament. Until then...