Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but its not. How do I know? I know because if it was mine then I wouldn't have $90,000 in school loans to pay off. What is mine however is my Twilight Eclipse 2011 calendar that I have hanging in my bedroom. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.
A/N: So this is my first attempt at writing. Kinda nervous about it, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I got the idea for this from a bunch of songs I was listening to on a plane ride to Boston. They kind of all came together and this story played out in my head. Each chapter will have some inspiration from a song, so feel free to listen to it as you read. Hopefully you all enjoy the story.
Chapter 1: Without You
Song: Without You (RENT Soundtrack)
Today is September 13th – her birthday. I hated September 13th. That's because five years ago on her birthday my entire world was shot to shit, and the whole thing is my fault. I overreacted. After what happened on her birthday I was so afraid of hurting her, I never stopped to think of what she wanted, or really needed, and now I've lost her.
It's my own fault. My family, Alice especially, told me that leaving was going to be a mistake but I refused to listen. After a few months of being away from her I couldn't bear it anymore and tried to go back, but she wasn't there. She was gone and no one had a clue where she was, not even Charlie. Alice couldn't even find her future when I asked her to check. It was as if my own words came back to haunt me – It will be as though I never existed.
I spend all my time with my journals now, my music long forgotten. There was no reason to play anymore once she was gone. My journals are full of her though, it's my way of surrounding myself with her, speaking to her, and keeping her with me even though I have no clue where she is. I already know today will be hard not just for me, but the whole family – even Rosalie. I hear the worry and sadness in all of their thoughts. We all stopped living on some level when we left Bella, and a little bit more when we couldn't find her when went back to look for her. I sit down at my desk with pen and journal in hand and start to write…
It's your birthday today love. I wish I was with you today so I could tell you Happy Birthday. I miss you so much. It's been five years now and my regret for what I did has only grown with each of the 1825 days that have gone with us being apart. I want you to know that I left my heart with you when I left. I hope you've looked after it for me. While it may no longer beat, it will forever only belong to you.
I think of you every second of every day. Everyone misses you Bella. Alice and Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle and Esme, even Rosalie we all miss you. You're 23 today Bella, and I wonder what you are doing. I'm sure you've become something great... a professor of literature or something of that sort, knowing how much you love your books.
Every time we move to a new city, I can't help but wonder if I will find you there. Maybe I will this time; I refuse to give up hope that one day I will find you again it's the only thing that makes my existence tolerable anymore. We've just moved again, but no high school for me this time. Alice, Jasper, and I will be attending college this go around. How I wish that we could have shared that experience together.
I wish I could change how things are. I see now how wrong I was to make the decision to leave without considering what you wanted first. I promise you that if I get the chance to fix things, I will do everything in my power to make them right, even if that means my turning you myself. The truth is Bella, while I may no longer be alive in the traditional sense, I feel truly dead without you. I miss you so much my love.
I put down my pen and put away my journal. I swear if I was capable of crying, I would be in this moment, I'm not ashamed to admit that. I sigh as I look out the window and see Jasper and Alice waiting for me by the car so we can head off to school. I leave my room and head down to them, ready to go on with my day knowing that I'll just be going through the motions, my thoughts consumed by Bella and wondering where she is at this moment.
Today is September 13th – my birthday. I hated September 13th. Most people don't hate their birthdays, but I do. That's because five years ago on my birthday, my entire world was shot to shit, and the whole thing is my fault. If I weren't so clumsy, if I was just a little bit more careful, maybe we'd still be together.
September 13th – as much as I hate the day, it's the one day I ever let myself remember anymore. The only day of the year I let myself feel. Which is why I'm sitting here in my piece of shit apartment thinking of everything that brought me to where I am now, which is all alone with no one who cares, writing a letter just like I have each year since he left. Writing a letter that will never be sent, delivered, or read by the one person who could probably save me from myself, but who also left me when he realized I wasn't good enough for him. I sit down at my table with pen and paper in hand and start to write…
It's been five years already. Five years, and it doesn't hurt any less. I wish things would have been different. I wish I could have been enough, good enough for you to have stayed. Everything is so different now. I'm not who I thought I would be, and I'm alone. Charlie probably thinks I'm dead by now. I haven't spoken to him since he found out about my arrest back in March. Jacob gave up on me long before then. I guess it was when he finally realized what I was doing.
Everything I did was to hold on to you. After your making me promise not to be reckless, every time I got close to danger I could hear your voice. So I sought it out…doing every reckless thing I could just to feel close to you again. The problem was after a while I couldn't hear your voice any more…so I found another way to hear it, and this time I was able to see you too, and remember everything of our time together. But after a while, the remembering began to hurt too much, and now I just spend my days trying to forget and trying not to feel.
I'm working now, at a place called The CatScratch Club. It isn't any kind of important job, I'm not the writer or lit professor you once thought I would become. I make enough to get me what I need which is all that really matters anyway because without it I feel like I'm dying.
I can't help but wonder how different everything could have been with us. I still miss you, every day, with every breath that I take. The truth is Edward, I'm dying without you. You told me you when you left that it would be as if you never existed, but you were wrong. I go through the motions, but that's it. I'm not really living, I know that but there isn't anything I can do to change. Everything around me goes on…the seasons change, people around me fall in love, and I'm just here. I wish you could come back, and yet as much as I want you back I'm afraid of who I would be if you did. I have so much anger and hurt inside. I think that's all that's left in me…it's all I am anymore because I've died without you.
I put down my pen, tears streaming down my face, the drops causing the ink to run on the page I've just finished writing. I fold up the letter, put it in an envelope and write his name on it, and tuck it away in a drawer with the other letters that I know he'll never read.
I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and wonder Why do I put myself through this every year? I open up the medicine cabinet and see my best friend sitting there. I know I don't have work for a few hours yet so I pick up my friend, take off my shoe – gotta be smart you know, can't have Riley see the evidence on my arms – then I go through my routine, stick the needle between my toes and shoot the liquid inside the syringe into my body. The last thing I remember before everything fades away is thinking Fuck remembering, forgetting is so much better.
A/N: So hopefully you enjoyed the chapter. I won't do every chapter in both POVs, but I will be using both throughout the story and maybe some others as well. These two have a long journey ahead of them and neither really know how much their lives are going to change….Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, if you do I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter…