That Old Pain.

Summery: Courtney didn't ever think she would ever feel like this, but she finds that the pain of heartbreak managed to wreck her heart like a cannon ball.

Disclaimer: I do not own Total Drama.

A Note: Urgh, I don't know why I'm writing this, well, I do kind of; I just wanted to express myself I guess.

Where to begin? Well…I suppose this idea comes from true life experiences, true life experiences that I had put behind my until they decided to rear their ugly heads today. It's pretty much all to do with love, pretty much the sole of my stories, however today its time for a different approach, heartbreak.

See, last year I went through a period where I fell in love for the first time, I was so head over heels with a guy that he was the only thing I could think about. However the only thing that stopped me was the fact that we weren't together, so I confided in a few friends about my feelings, soon things took a turn for the worse and he ended up finding out and of course he didn't like me back.

So, I carried on, I liked someone who didn't like me back, it's not a crime, I carried on, however I did sit the guy down and tell him that I didn't want this to affect our friendship and he agreed, telling me that I was one of his best friends and that could never happen.

But, things did change, he was awkward around me and he seemed to help everyone else out aside from myself, it hurt! It killed me, so much to the point that I often found myself in tears.

However, more things happened and I soon found myself hating him, I didn't want to be around someone that hurt me that much, so I tried to carry on without him around me.

We ended up finishing college together, and things changed. I forgot about him and started to move on.

However today, things changed again. I came home from work to find that I had been sent a letter from the University that I wanted to go to inviting me to a two-day workshop there. I was ecstatic, I mean, you would be too! Until I found out that he's going too, and the way he handled finding out that I was going to was to faze me out of my own conversation…

I was fuming, so fuming all these feelings that I once blocked out all came up again, I'm pretty hurt and upset so much to the point that I don't even want to go anymore.

I'm fed up, this guy was the cause why I went through a lot of pain last year and the reason why I went on a long hiatus from FanFiction, I don't want to do that again, so I find the best way to get over something is express yourself…and drown your sorrows in pizza and ice cream but that's not the point.

I never ever talk about my personal life on here, I find it a waste of time because most people won't even read it but…I suppose I'm doing it so that someone out there will understand the pain I'm going through right now.

I'm having the day from hell, and I think that will come out in my writing, but still, I hope you like it.

It's set after Courtney sees Gwen and Duncan kissing in World Tour, there is some Gwen/Duncan so sorry if you don't like it.

Well, here goes nothing…

That pain, that funny old pain that hurts from your head to the tips of your toes. The pain that can linger with you for the rest of your life if you let it, people out there often tell me that you can't let your emotions rule your life, there's so much more to deal with if you get your heartbroken, motive yourself and carry on moving forward.

I tried that, I spent my whole life moving forward, not hanging back for a second and doing what is expected of me. I wanted to live like that, in my world; no one likes the person that hangs back and I was no exception.

In my world, anyone that held the group back or wasted the groups' time was a waste of time, I didn't want to associate my time with those people, they whined, they complained and I was not one to waste my time with them, hence the name I gave them.

However, when I was dragged from the comfort of my forward moving life everything changed. I was taken to an island where I found myself competing to win money, it was a competition so of course I was going to take the bull by the horns and win.

Things didn't go to plan when I found myself working with a bunch of idiots! The people there did not know right from wrong and it was frightening, I had to attempt to lead my bone headed team to victory, and countless times it failed.

It wasn't until the dodgeball challenge we had to do people actually bucked up their ideas and wanted to win, like me. However we couldn't do it without the help of a green haired delinquent.

I suppose that's when I first connected with Duncan; he questioned me, a bad move in my books because he wanted to know why he should help us. I told him calmly that if he didn't help us then he would be sent home.

He agreed and led us to victory, well, without me talking some sense into that fool we wouldn't have won, so it was me that won that challenge…but of course I didn't want to take all the glory.

We carried on winning, challenge after challenge we found victory, we weren't perfect of course, we slipped up every now and then and the time wasters would be voted off, it was simple, like I said at the beginning, keep up or be left behind.

As for Duncan and myself, we carried on growing, occasionally getting stronger, but most of the time growing apart, he was rude and obnoxious, I hated him, at least I thought I did.

It wasn't until we finally met head on I started to realize that there was something that could happen between us, he was being his usual self and being reckless. So much he got into trouble and by trouble I mean the boat house, it was frightening yet I bit the bullet and went to rescue him.

We got into another one of our tiffs, calling each other names, shouting, yelling, everything. It was horrible, yet it brought us together, especially when he hit home and said something that would never leave my mind.

He asked when I was so uptight, it shocked me and I didn't like it, it seemed to corrupt my mind into doing somethin daring and following him to danger.

I risked everything, all for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but it was so amazing that it riled up my entire body, I loved that feeling, it was like being incredibly drunk and never wanting that state of craziness to end.

But, with being drunk there's always the possibility of ending up paralytic and throwing up, I suppose that's what happened to me.

But it didn't end badly after that, Duncan came out to comfort me and that he did, soon after that we had our first kiss, it was everything that I could have ever imagined, sweet yet rough, strong yet gentle. That feeling will never leave my mind.

I suppose you're wondering why I'm harping on the past like this, recalling past memories and remembering how I felt during that time, well, I just want to let you know that its all over know.

Right now, I'm on a plane, actually competing on the third series of Total Drama, and at this time I feel like someone has ripped out my heart and thrown it on the floor, then proceeding to stamp on it several times.

The pain that I talked about at the beginning was here and hurting me like a bullet in the back. What happened? Well, it's pretty simple.

Duncan, the guy that I loved, the guy that I thought I could never live without and hoped that he felt the same way about me, cheated on me, with Gwen in a bathroom on this plane.

It's bad enough knowing that he cheated on me, but knowing that I'm in the same environment of where they did it kills me even more.

I suppose now I know what Sierra felt like in Paris when she was crying over Cody. I thought 'man up, you're a time waster' but now I'm the one crying my eyes and out praying that someone out there makes this pain stop.

I'm the time waster now.

It kills me, it actually kills me knowing that, and the fact is, no one here cares about me, because I've driving people here to the extreme so no one wants to comfort me. Instead they're all wound up about this competition, it's either eat or be eaten here, something I partly created.

Now all I wanted is to have someone by my side, telling me that everything's going to be ok and that I'll get over him.

Thing is, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over him, no matter how hard I kick him, how hard I punch him it doesn't help, I could have killed him by now and I'd still be crying over him.

The worst thing about it is Duncan cheated on me; he kissed another girl on live TV so I was bound to find out anyway, yet still people are failing to see how much of jerk he is.

I know there are still some people in this world that are still pining over his stupid self, crying out his name and longing to meet him. And there are still people out there that hate me, maybe I drove him to the point to cheat on me, I tried not to, as does everyone in a relationship, but still he found temptation, and liked it.

I lost count of the tears that I've cried over him now, its one too many, after every tear that falls I vow to myself that it'll be the last one that falls for his sorry ass, yet another one will always manage to push past and fall.

I've tried to tell myself to get over him, like I've been told to, he cheated on me, I should hate him, shouldn't I? Yet everything he does I can't help but watch, a part of me feeling angry about the fact that he's getting away with murder and another part of me loves him, because I just can't bear to let go of those feelings that I once felt for him.

Right now, I'm the one person that I swore to myself that I would never become; I'm the one sitting on a chair bawling my eyes out over a boy. I'm not moving forward; I'm not carrying on and holding my head high.

I'm going backwards, and I can't stop myself.

That old pain has found its way into my heart and it hurts, my god does it hurt, if I had a choice I would be home, in my bed and listening to the kind yet stern words from my mother, all the while hoping that this pain will go away, thinking that its like a bruise, its here for a few days, then leaves you alone.

But the fact is, Duncan isn't a bruise, he's more like a psychological memory, it'll never leave me, no matter how hard I try.

I just have to man up and face it, he's a jerk and he always will be a jerk, that pain hit home and I have to live with it now.

It's here to stay…and I have to accept it and move on no matter how hard that may be.


Sorry if I may seem off my mark, this is so unlike me, I promise I'll be back to my old self tomorrow, but right now I just wanted to express my feelings, say what you like about this story, to be honest I really don't care. Maybe your harsh words might buck me up, I don't know.

I'll probably look back on this tomorrow after a long nights sleep and wonder what the hell possessed me to do this, or maybe I'll feel proud. God only knows what will happen tomorrow, that will be decided when the sun rises.

Sakura Blossom Storm.