Merlin bolted awake, his chest heaving violently with every breath he took. He threw the blanket that covered him off of the bed and onto the ground, as if it were on fire, burning him. He sat there shaking for a few long moments before raising his knees to his chest, covering his face with his hands and finally succumbing to the sobs that demanded to escape him.
He dreamt about her again, like he did every night. Memories of her and what she's done, what he's done. What he did to her.
Inhaling deeply, he moved his hands away from his face, uncovering it. He looked out the window, hoping it would ease the thoughts of her out of his mind, but he knew it wouldn't. The moon shined very vibrantly that night, masking Merlin's face with its light. He was so intrigued by how bright it was that he almost forgot all about his dream. Almost.
'She is the darkness to your light.' The dragon's voice echoed through his mind. Immediately, he looked away from the moon, moved away from the window, even stood up from his bed. He began walking in circles and attempted to find ways to get her off his mind.
He tried to think about Arthur and how much of a prat he could be, about all of the spells he had learned recently, about his plans for the morning. Yet thoughts of her remained in his mind, taunting him.
It was his own fault that his life had become such a nightmare. Or was it hers? He felt bad for blaming her, but blaming himself didn't feel right either. In a way, they were both at fault. It was her that chose to use her magic for evil, and it was him that could have prevented that from even happening. He wished he could go back in time to when she came to him about her powers.
'It's magic.' She had told him, with tears in her eyes and fear in her voice. He could have comforted her and told her that everything would be alright, but he didn't. He stood there and denied it, ruining the chance of anything ever being alright.
If he had just told her that he understood exactly what she was going through, maybe things would've turned out differently. If he had showed her how to use her magic for good, maybe she wouldn't have even thought about using it for evil.
Merlin sat back down on his bed with a sigh. Thinking 'What ifs' wouldn't solve anything. He couldn't go back in time. He couldn't change the past. And he knew that for certain.
A week after that last incident with her, he had searched through every magic book Gaius had in search of a spell that could help him in anyway. But it was a waste of time. She was gone for good.
Morgana was gone.