Once upon the time, in a strange land where people thought it was semi-normal to wear fox ears and cat tails and to sell used panties from vending machines, an over-flying plane carrying Stephen Colbert, Ford Prefect, and the anti-Christ was hit by lightning and EXPLODED. In all caps too, because anything containing so much epic win as that deserves them.
The powers that be, sensing that there was a disturbance in the force, knew that they would have to do something drastic to fill the gaping hole of awesomeness. Even though they were on the last few days of their bi-annual forty days and forty nights frat party and more than slightly under the influence, they realized that no "religion" could ever be big enough to stop up that big sopping black hole.
However, the rum was gone, and there were only eight bottles of beer left on the wall. So the powers that be demonstrated why you should never make any big decisions while under the influence and decided that the only thing to do was to take the most awesome newly departed souls of Stephen Colbert, Ford Prefect, and the anti-Christ out of hell, since they had already conquered the first five levels in this run-on introduction, and merge them into one mega, super awesome person that could fix everything wrong with the world while the powers that be nursed off their hangovers. The powers that be also decided not to breathe, because investing in that wine-mister for the underground man cave was probably not helping them on the whole sobriety thing.
Anyway, beer hardened angels stormed through the frozen over levels of hell, ignoring the poor crying devils as they searched for, decapitated, and then dragged out the aforementioned souls and any hidden bottles of rum they could find. Those party goers drunk enough to brave the limbo game shuddered as an echo-y laugh drifted out from the pile of rapidly disappearing apples.
In a white hospital room, Sachiko Yagami screamed as Light came down the from heavens… literally.
Okay, so I've come to hate writing these things, but here it goes. I figured since I can no longer use the excuse, "bUt Im onlee 13!1!1! Y U hatin on me?" to excuse any complaints about my writing, I might as well fess up. In case you haven't realized by now, this is not a story meant to be taken seriously. In anyway. At all.
Originally, this was a serious fic. I was going to have Light psychoanalyzing everyone and using really big words all the time to show off my uber genius. Then I took a look at my profile, and at some of the genuinely horrible stories there, and freaked out at the thought of writing something serious when it could be compared to some of my earlier written-when-I-was-thIrTeeN-fics. Which were really, really bad, in case you can't imagine. (Although, I'm pretty sure most people can. We've all been there, right?)
If you really can't imagine it (because I'm just so awesome now), take a look at Coming Out. (Warning. It's slash.) You know that poem there? Yeah? Yeah. That used to be the base of the story. And what Remus is parodying? I don't have him mocking the stereotypical way teenage girls write slashy k+ rated love stories. I have him mocking the way that I wrote that slashy, k+ rated love story. In the original version, he was being serious. And Sirius, while being serious, said things like "You are mine, my little werewolf," without it being some kind of Red Riding Hood roleplay.
So, this is going to be my stress relieving fic. Some people have slinkies, other those little squeezy things filled with radioactive substances that always look like they're one little squeeze away from bursting and giving you that face from that White Knight guy from the Dark Knight batman movie.
There will be absolutely nothing taken serious here - and that means "twu luv" as well. No, Light is not going to give up his stereotypical insane gay megalomaniac hobby of killing off his therapy patients and yelling at the tv in order to get L pregnant and raise 2.4 kids with him in some house with a white picket fence. Nor is he going to realize that Misa, despite being a dumb blonde who he originally planned to kill off, is the love of his life and that he should jealously kill off all other men on the planet so that he has no competition.
That doesn't mean, however, that L isn't going to get pregnant, Misa is going to be your average little hot dumb bitch, and Light isn't going to hint at whatever he wants to hint at. It just means that this isn't a slash story, it isn't a serious story, and if you're expecting something like that, go else where. There are tons of not cracky, serious romantic fics about Light and L, or Light and Misa, or Matsuda and Light's dad's mustache. I think even I have one. ~shudder~
So, now that my author's note is officially longer than my first chapter, I bid you adieu. Or to go jump in a cesspool. I don't know french, so it could probably go either way.