A Team Effort

By Arress

Summary: Crack!Fic. Vance puts a hit out on Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. Will the team be able to stop him in time? Gibbs/DiNozzo slash, but nothing blatant. Spoilers for several episodes throughout the series. Contains the canon death of two main characters and the not-so-canon death of another.

A/N: Read at your own risk (and you might want to make sure you're not drinking any beverages if you decide to chance it). Thanks, little_janie, for all your help.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.


Gibbs thought Director Vance had been acting very cagey the last few days, so he decided to follow him when he left NCIS headquarters acting suspiciously. He followed Vance to the parking garage, where he met a shady-looking character in a dark corner, void of any surveillance cameras. Gibbs hid behind a pillar nearby and listened to their conversation.

"You come highly recommended," Vance said to the shady-looking character, who Gibbs silently dubbed 'Shady'. "I'm sure we'll be able to come to a mutually-beneficial agreement."

"Just tell me what you need done," Shady said in a raspy voice. "I'll do anything for the right price."

"My boss, the Secretary of the Navy, is pushing me to promote someone," Vance said. "Someone I find unsuitable for promotion. I need him goneā€¦ permanently."

"Why don't you just fire him?" Shady asked.

"Did you just hear what I said?" Vance asked incredulously. "SecNav wants him promoted. I can't very well fire him instead."

"Who is this person you find unsuitable for promotion?" Shady asked.

"Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo," Vance replied. He reached into a pocket and pulled out a picture, which he handed to Shady. "Here's his picture. Now, you need to hold off until I give you the word, because the team he's on is in the middle of a big case, and I can't afford for the rest of the team to be distracted by his death. They'll want to waste time with a memorial service, and worse, they'll want to give him a proper funeral."

"What about my payment?" Shady asked.

Vance reached into another pocket and pulled out a wad of cash, which he also handed to Shady. "Here's a third of your usual fee. I'll give you another third when I give you the go ahead, and then the rest after the job is done."

"I find that acceptable," Shady said. "I look forward to hearing from you."

Gibbs waited silently while the other two men left. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Vance was putting a hit out on his lover, just because he didn't find him 'suitable for promotion'. While Gibbs didn't really find Tony suitable for promotion either, he didn't want him to be promoted in any case, because that meant they would be working different hours, and then he'd have to find another lover. But Tony was so agreeable and so sexy, and besides, Gibbs already had him trained up just the way he wanted him. He didn't want to start all over! He had to find a way to put a stop to this.


When Gibbs returned to his desk, he sent out a coded email to every member of his team, including Ducky, Palmer and Abby, to meet in his basement at midnight. He knew he could count on his team to help him with his problem. They had come through admirably for him in the past.

Once midnight arrived and the entire team was gathered in his basement, he announced, "We have a problem. Today, I overheard Vance planning to put a hit out on DiNozzo. He told the hit man that he'd give him the word when he's ready for him to do the job. The director wanted him to wait until we close our current case," Gibbs stopped speaking to take a deep breath. He added sarcastically, "Leon didn't want a memorial service and funeral to distract us from doing our jobs."

"Why would Vance want me dead?" Tony asked curiously.

"I could think of a few reasons," McGee muttered under his breath.

"What was that, McGee?" Tony asked.

"Nothing, Tony," McGee replied, smiling innocently.

"Once we all have something to eat and drink from the delicious buffet set up on the work bench, we'll start the meeting," Gibbs announced.


An hour later, with everyone sated from the scrumptious buffet, Gibbs started the meeting.

He whistled shrilly to get everyone's attention, then said, "Now that I have your attention, we'll get started. He took a deep breath, then continued, "Our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to get rid of Vance before he has a chance to get rid of DiNozzo. We're gonna have to do this differently from when we got rid of Kate and Director Shepard. This time it's gonna have to be a team effort."

Kate had become an awful bitch to the love of his life, Tony DiNozzo; always making snide comments and hurting his feelings. It had put an terrible damper on their love life, what with Gibbs always having to reassure Tony before he'd put out, and Gibbs just couldn't continue to let her get away with that.

Gibbs had also discovered that his former partner, Jenny Shepard, had failed in her objective to neutralize Svetlana Chernitskaya; not to mention the fact that she couldn't seem to keep her nose out of his cases; not to also mention the fact that she'd used his lover to get her revenge for her father's death; not to also mention the fact that she was so blatant in her attempts to get Gibbs back into her bed (and Gibbs was already taken, thank you very much); so he had used his connections to set the events in motion that had resulted in her death.

No one had suspected a thing.

"As I'm sure you all remember, in Kate's case, we just hired it out to Ari Haswari," He paused dramatically, "And let's hear it for Ziva, for the well-placed head shot she made in getting rid of her brother, and our only witness."

Even then, Ziva had been keen to join Team Gibbs, and she'd jumped at the chance to kill her half-brother to accomplish that. Two birds, one bullet. Besides, their father had always liked him best.

Everyone cheered and clapped enthusiastically as Ziva curtsied deeply, accepting the accolades as her due.

Gibbs had to pause again to allow the cheering and applause to die down. "And in the case of Director Shepard, I just dropped a word in the right ear and let the events play out. It couldn't have turned out better."

He looked around the room at each member of his team and said, "But like I said, getting rid of Director Vance will have to be a team effort. I will now open the floor for suggestions."


"Okay," Gibbs said. "I've heard enough. Here's what we're gonna do." He began issuing orders. "DiNozzo, you be more annoying than usual when Director Vance is nearby. He'll want to talk with me about it, so that'll be my excuse to get him somewhere alone."

Tony looked at Gibbs suspiciously. "What do you mean, 'more annoying than usual'?" You think I'm annoying, Boss?"

Gibbs could tell by Tony's tone of voice that he'd really stepped in it, and if he wanted to get laid any time soon, he needed to fix it, and fast. "Of course not, Tony," He said soothingly. "Just be annoying this one time, okay?"

"On it, Boss," Tony said happily, Gibbs' words having placated him. "I'll be so annoying you won't believe it. You won't believe how annoying I'll-"

"Ziva, you choose the method," Gibbs said, neatly interrupting his lover. "Although with all the bragging you've been doing, I think you should prove to all of us that you actually can kill someone with a paperclip."

"It will be my pleasure, Gibbs," Ziva said with a smile.

"McGee, you doctor the surveillance tapes so there's no evidence that Vance left the building with me," The silver-haired team leader ordered.

"You got it, Boss," McGee replied enthusiastically.

"Abby, you take care of the forensic evidence," Gibbs continued. "However Ziva chooses to kill the director, you need to make it look like natural causes. A heart attack or a stroke will do nicely."

"No problem, Bossman," Abby acknowledged with a jaunty salute.

"Ducky and Palmer, you get to do the autopsy," Gibbs said, addressing the final two members of his team. "Of course, you'll need to fudge on the autopsy report."

Ducky answered for himself and his assistant, "We will be happy to help in any way we can, Jethro."


After the job was done, the entire team met in their favorite bar, another crisis averted. Once they each had their drink of choice, Gibbs raised his glass in salute and said, "You should all be proud of yourselves. Everything went off without a hitch. To the best team effort yet!"

Everyone drank deeply from their glasses, then slapped each other on the back in happy celebration.

"Wait a minute," Tony said apprehensively. "I wonder who the next director will be."

The End?