LIFE LESSONS FROM BELLA SWANN

Bella Swann is the greatest role model in the world of literature and cinematography. She sets a stellar example for all of us. If only every girl in this pitiful world were like her.

You can sense the sarcasm here, right?


Twilight © Stephenie Meyer

Text © unicorn-skydancer08

All rights reserved.


1. You should always address your parents by their first names.

2. Don't pay any attention to the kids at school. No matter how friendly they are, no matter how many times the girls invite you to sit with them at lunch and team up with them on the weekends, no matter how many times the boys ask you out, you know you're stupid, ugly, clumsy, and overall, totally worthless.

3. Your problems are everybody's problems. Whatever affects you should affect everyone else around you in every aspect.

4. With boyfriends, it's all about physical looks. It doesn't matter if they're pushy, meddlesome, pretentious, self-absorbed, and dictatorial. As long as they're insanely attractive, that's what truly counts.

5. Edward is hot. Edward is beautiful. Edward is gorgeous. Edward is perfect. Edward is hot. Edward is every girl's dream come true. Edward shines like a thousand diamonds. Edward is hot. Edward is inhumanly handsome. Edward is eye-catching. Edward is an angel and a devil all rolled into one. Did I forget to mention Edward is hot?

6. It's inherently wrong to be a year older than your boyfriend (even if he is already a hundred years older than you).

7. Wars, world hunger, poverty, sickness, and death are nothing compared to a life without Edward.

8. It's okay to get married and have a baby while you're still a kid yourself.

9. So what if a bunch of people are dying because of you? It's no skin off your nose.

10. Don't wear a coat to the mountains.

11. You must think of yourself more than you think of others.

12. Guys go for a girl who walks around with her mouth constantly hanging open like a codfish.

13. Use excessively big words that confuse most people; it makes you appear smarter.

14. If you have to choose between a sweet, caring boyfriend and a cold, unfeeling boyfriend, always go for the cold and unfeeling. The other guy can always date your daughter.

15. Give names to your children that most people can barely pronounce, let alone spell.

16. Don't worry about getting yourself into life-threatening danger; your boyfriend will always swoop in at the last minute and save you. It happens every time.

17. It's okay to hate the sight of blood, but it's also okay to love someone who drinks blood for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

18. Guys love girls who are outrageously fickle. The more fickle you are, the more you appeal to them.

19. Do everything your boyfriend tells you to do, even if he tells you to throw yourself off a cliff or cut yourself with a knife.

20. Real vampires sparkle.