Well, I got the idea to do this a while back, and I finally did it before I lost the vision of the two of them, stuck together in a cabin for a whole day XD Look, I mean absoulutely no offense to any Yaoi writers out here on fanfiction. Actually, I think you're quite brave writing those pairings, because I'm guessing you're probably more likely to get flamed by people who really dislike those sort of pairings. I'm just making what is sort of a crack fic, with a pinch of homosexuality and some OOCness (just to attempt to make it funny), and kind of an alternate universe. I mean, if it wasn't an alternate universe, Blood+ would not exist on fanfiction (that would be a really sad world). This is not a serious fanfic, and so I'm not going to write in the characters seriously. Which means that they're going to be out of character. Not incredibly drastically, but is it funny when Haji just stares at the screen and walks away to go back to playing his cello, and Solomon just shuts the laptop and does whatever he does on the weekends (masturbate, perhaps? xD)? Not really, so I figured I'd pump them up a bit. Hopefully, you'll laugh at this. If you don't, well, I guess your sense of humor just isn't like mine, which really doesn't bother me (please don't flame at any of my 'humor'. Yes, there's language in this fic. If you don't like it, don't read it, and just know that if you do flame me, I really don't care. It would just be appreciated if you weren't clogging up my inbox or review page with your uber-sensitive crap) If you don't laugh and were hoping to laugh, I'm sorry I failed you. I'll get better, promise! ^W^ If you did laugh, I'm happy you did! Here's another point I would like to make: THIS IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT A SLASH FIC. Maybe, MAYBE someday I'll write yaoi. Probably not, and if I do, it will not involve sex. But this fanfic is not and will not transform into magical, turn-you-on-so-hard-gotta-go-take-care-of-it, sexy mystical chevalier sex. And there you are. About the flaming topics, as well- you might find the writing in this fic a bit more biased towards Haji, because I like him better than Solomon. However, that does not mean that I hate Solomon (sweet Jesus, I love the guy- if only he'd stay out of the romance department when it comes to Saya and NOT get himself killed TT_TT ), or that either of them is going to 'win' this little weekend battle of wits. They're just going to continually get back at each other. I'm only going to do the one day until they go to sleep that night; but if I'm prompted, I'll write a sequel. Anyways, please don't flame me because I like Haji better than poor Solomon. Really. It's immature, and for any fangirls attemping to flame me, Please go get a life and stop freaking out at people because they don't like the fictional guy you would kill to screw. It's like freaking out at someone for not liking your imaginary friend . Now that that's out there, just... yeah. Don't flame me about the way I've partially characterized them, or who does what. Please and thank you ^W^ All the same, if you liked it, I'm glad you did. If you didn't, don't care, and flaming me won't make me any more interested in how angry you feel about what I've written. Feel free to leave a review, that would be very appreciated! Just... do what you like, I guess. Thanks for reading, if you do, and sorry for making you read that semi-rant :)
Haji and Solomon were stuck together in the cabin that Solomon had insisted on renting for Saya; it turned out she had agreed to spend the weekend there with both of them and hadn't had the heart to tell one about the other. Not only that, but she needed an unforetold blood transfusion (Solomon and Haji were both of one mind in that respect: Damn you, Julia), and town was around a five hour drive away.
They would be alone together for the whole day, and weren't allowed to kill each other. Saya had been insistent on Haji staying- she told him that if him and Solomon couldn't learn to get along, she wouldn't come back. Naturally, he agreed- he would have without the threat. He was, after all, her chevalier, and her wish was (even if reluctantly) his wish. He showed any reluctance he had towards her will rarely, but this was something he could not hide.
That incompetent prettyboy thought he could be Saya's 'chevalier'. He was Saya's chevalier, and no one else, particularly stupidface. That, in a nutshell, was what Haji was thinking.
Then, there were Solomon's thoughts about the whole situation. Solomon felt like exploding with jealousy at the fact Haji was Saya's chevalier, and often wanted to tear his other arm off, along with his head and the rest of his limbs. He detested that stupid, cello-playing, girl-stealing, emo, super-long-haired, pantene-using chevalier.
Ponytails weren't cool... just shaggy blonde hair that hung in your eyes in a way that made girls practically faint as you walked by. And Herbal Essences.
Saya had told him as well that if he couldn't get along with Haji, she simply wouldn't come back that weekend. He would be 'civil' until Saya got back. Savage later, after this damned weekend, when she wasn't around. And perhaps annoy emo boy with some fake cheerfulness in the meantime.
There were only two queen beds, no pullout couch -just a chair- (and a sunken-in, uncomfortable one at that), and a TV that only had two channels. Care bears and news in Russian. However, the two beds were interesting- she would have to choose who she would sleep with. Then again, he would bet every last cent of his money emo boy would sleep on the floor for her.
Solomon sighed and plopped into the rather sunken chair, staring out the window into the bleak, stormy day. It was nothing but the two of them and miles and miles of open -and rather flooded- field. They had both hoped to have it to Saya and themselves, but sadly, you don't always get what you want.
Actually, the place was a total dump, which wasn't what the damn ad had implied. Not the best place for a romantic weekend, anyway.
Usually, the results of what one wanted weren't this bad for most people. Actually, on the overall whole, neither one's luck had ever been very much on their side. But that is not what this story is about. This is a story of Solomon fatefully coming to google their names on that slow, slow internet for the sake of avoiding one of their possibly fatal fights.
And it begins with Haji beginning to take out his cello, sitting as far away from Solomon as was possible on the hard wooden floor while Solomon tried to concentrate on the fact that Saya would be back that night. Haji gently lifted the top of the cello case, holding back a sigh. Solomon was tapping his fingers on the chair arm, glaring dully at the dirt road outside that seemed to wind on forever.
Haji removed the bow from the case, and set it beside him as he reached back down and gently erected the cello, removing that from the case as well and grabbing back the bow from beside his thigh. Solomon glanced in Haji's direction and caught his eye. They glared at each other for a moment before returning to their previous activities, the fiery atmosphere intensifying.
Haji began to play one of his favorites: a melancholy, slow piece, something that was - despite how 'sad' the situation was and the weather outside- very unfitting to the current tense, angry atmosphere. Solomon sighed again, louder than before, and Haji stopped playing to look up at him from the strings.
"Does my music bother you?"
He said, his words laced with venom. "Yes." Solomon said briskly, turning from his view of the rainy outdoors. The connective glare happened again, and Solomon narrowed his eyes as Haji turned away and began playing for the second time. Solomon's tapping fingers balled into a fist on the ragged chair arm, and he got up to get a glass of water, trying to ignore the depressing tune in the background.
Haji took advantage of the chance to steal Solomon's seat, soundlessly getting up from the floor and moving the large instrument with him. "Jackass." Solomon muttered. He assumed Haji had heard him, because he started playing again when he sat down, even louder. Solomon managed to find a dusty glass in the cupboards, but had a little more trouble finding the sink. Haji finally let out the sigh he'd been holding back, and stopped playing to inform prettyboy his quest for water wasn't going to work out.
He said, turning to Solomon as he froze while checking one of the bottom cupboards. "the pump is outside." Haji finished. Solomon almost growled as he slammed the glass down on the counter. Had it been anyone else, he would have said 'thank you' but when it came to Haji, it was a flat out no when it came to any kind of gratitude. It was Haji's turn to mutter.
"You get what you pay for..."
He said below the music he had started playing again. "Are you implying I'm 'cheap'?" Solomon said, leaning against the counter to glare at Haji yet again, sick of not getting the point across and knowing that if they continued subtly bickering like a bitter old couple who wished they were divorced, it would carry on like that all afternoon.
Haji stopped playing for the final time and replaced the cello and its bow before speaking again, becoming rather frustrated by the fact he couldn't play for more than ten seconds before being interrupted or having to interrupt. "Perhaps you could have just left Saya alone altogether and saved your precious money, rather than making her life more complicated by adding what you would clearly like to call a 'relationship'?"
Haji replied, the venom in his voice more pronounced. Solomon scoffed, trying to look unperturbed by the subtle insults Haji had unnessacarily inserted into that sentence. Underneath the mask, he wanted to tear Haji's face off, but getting to him was more important. If a battle of wits was what Haji wanted, he would damn well get it- and no doubt a run for his money as well.
"Haji, I don't recall asking for your opinion on what I would like to do to Saya. And you haven't answered my question." Haji swung his arm over the back of the chair, turning to fully face Solomon and look him in the eye. "Solomon, I don't recall asking what you would like to do to my Saya at all." He said, frowning.
He was giving off a dangerous vibe, something Solomon really wasn't worried about at all. Haji truly was Saya's bitch, and wouldn't hurt him as long as she ordered him not to do so. So what if emo boy was getting angry? This was fun. However, he knew he couldn't keep this up, or they would never 'get along'.
"Would you like me to describe them to you in detail, or should I make you a formal list?"
Solomon said, striding to the computer on a desk directly beside the chair that fitted snugly between the right arm of Haji's sea and the wall. Solomon sat in the creaky desk chair and pressed the power button, 'smiling' at Haji as he did so. He'd thought this was going to be a very dull (and possibly painful) day, but it was turning out to be rather entertaining. For now, at least. Haji was easier to annoy than he'd thought.
He looked like he was about to speak before Solomon cut him off, keeping in mind (somewhat) that Saya had asked them to get along.
"Look. We can fight over Saya -don't look at me like that- or we can try to be semi-civil and see if both of us see the end of the day alive."
Haji narrowed his eyes, but he didn't reply. Instead, he turned away and took to Solomon's past activity, glaring out the window. Haji flexed the fingers on his bandaged arm, resisting a strong urge to wrap them around Solomon's slim neck. Just barely maintaining his temper, he managed to stay still with the exception of that infuriated movement. Don't hurt him, don't kill him, it's Saya's wish- He thought, his train of thought cut off by Solomon's 'melodious' voice. "Hey, the internet is actually working!"
It was then Solomon remembered he never visited any websites other than his e-mail (), which he had checked that morning before he left for this little cabin, now his own personal hell on earth. The homepage for the laptop was Google, which was interesting enough. There was just one problem. What the fuck should he Google?
"...Haji, as an aqquaintance, I'm asking you an honest question. What should I Google?" Haji's head fell onto the back of the chair, his eyes closed. "Why is Solomon such a doucheb-" Solomon cut him off before he could finish, the jackass. "-Hey! We're supposed to 'get along'. Unless you're going to... disobey Saya?" Solomon said the last two words dramatically, with a pause before them for extra effect. He added a gasp, just to top it off.
Haji didn't open his eyes, but frowned slightly as he took a swipe at Solomon with his bandaged arm, nearly taking the top half off the computer as Solomon ducked and nearly fell off his chair. Haji replaced his arm as though nothing had happened.
He said casually, relaxing further into the couch. Solomon flipped his bangs out of his eyes. "I need a serious, actual suggestion. Not as your worst enemy, but as an aqquaintance." Haji opened one eye to glare at him. "Aqquaintances?" He said, watching Solomon trying to look haughty as he brushed off the keyboard.
"Would you like the definition?"
Solomon said, poising his hands to type. Sadly, he was just as slow at typing as the dusty old computer was at starting up- he really wasn't a computer person, and quite frankly hated technology. When he did type, he did it in an awkward way. His hands looked like he was getting ready to dance to the chorus of 'Thriller'.
"Just... just shut up and think of something yourself, prettyboy."
Haji said, massaging his temples. Solomon's eyes got a little wider, and then they narrowed, his hands still frozen in thriller phase over the keyboard. "I'm sorry, what was that emo boy?" Solomon replied, waiting for Haji to react.
"If I tell you something to Google, will you give me two minutes of silence?" Haji said, a tone of frustration ringing very clearly in his voice. Solomon straightened, eyes on the screen again. "Fine."
Haji got ready to tell Solomon the first thing that came to mind. "Google our names." He said after a few moments, relieved to stop thinking and relax for a moment. "Together, or seperately?" Solomon said.
Go figure, he just had to find something else to say.
"Sweet Jesus, does it matter?"
Haji said tensely, gradually relaxing again. And for a moment, he could have sworn he heard Solomon reciting 'eenie meenie mynee moe' under his breath (honestly, he wasn't overly suprised). Finally, there came the sound of keys being pressed at an agonizingly slow pace, one that would have driven any teenager positively mad.
Eventually, there was one formal, pronounced 'click' and Solomon spoke again. "Wait for it... wait for it..." After roughly three minutes of 'wait for it's every few seconds from Solomon, there came another form of speech (thank God). "Mhm. There actually is stuff about us on here... what the heck is Fanfiction?"
Solomon whispered to himself, and Haji heard him clicking away. "Were all of those 'wait for it's really nessacary for three minutes, Solomon?" Haji sighed at Solomon, not even bothering to lift his eyelids.
"Shut up, the internet's slow. Oh my... oh my sweet Heavens..." Solomon said, and Haji opened his eyes to the sight of Solomon leaning closer to the screen, an unreadable look on his face.
God only knew what he'd found- innocent prettyboy probably couldn't handle much of what he would find on Google, 'king of the search engines'. Haji didn't particularly care right now. He heard a muffled snort, and looked closer at Solomon. He was trying not to laugh!
"What is it now, prettyboy?"
Solomon was apparently so absorbed by this he didn't notice the nickname usage. "Pfffffft... it says here you have wet dreams about me!" Solomon choked out, finally giving in and nearly dying of laughter, his breath coming in short gasps. He could definitely get to Haji, but this was about 500 million times more effective.
Haji practically yelled, scrambling out of sitting position and hopping over the chair arm to view the screen. He read a few lines and nearly lost his breakfast all over Solomon's silly blonde douche bag hair.
-Haji had them nearly every night, and went back to sleep hoping he would have even more sexual visions of Solomon, his secret desire, and holding his pillow close and imagining it was Solomon he would ******-
Haji's green eyes got really, really big, while Solomon was trying extremely hard to recapture composure. He was nearly falling off the seat he was shaking so hard. Finally, he recovered, and after a few moments he reached to scroll down. Haji had been staring fixedly at the screen until he made that movement.
"Stop! What are you doing, you crazy bastard?" Haji said loudly, slapping Solomon's hand away from the laptop. "I'm scrolling down, you imbecile!" Solomon said, the laugh still in his voice. He scrolled down indeed, and Haji found that much to his agony he still couldn't look away from the screen.
Solomon had scrolled down quite a bit; it was a sex scene. Why did it have to be a sex scene? -Solomon stroked Haji's *****, and Haji arched his back, yowling like a stray at for more-
"Oh my... OH MY SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT!"
Haji hollered, shielding his eyes before he ran for the cramped bathroom in the back, finally losing his breakfast over the toilet. He could hear Solomon laughing in the background (over his own retching), but suddenly, the laughter stopped... Not a good sign. After rinsing out his mouth for the seventh time, Haji took a disgusted swallow and adjusted his ponytail before walking slowly out of that bathroom.
He would never look at Solomon the same way again, if he ever did without tossing his cookies for the second time. But when he came out of the bathroom, Solomon was still sitting there, his nose an inch from the screen, and he was bent right out of the chair towards the monitor, his left fist in his lap. He was clicking like mad.
-Please don't let him be doing what I think he is,- Haji thought. -please don't tell me he's doing what I think he's doing.- Haji crept up slowly behind Solomon, attempting to see beyond the curly blonde head to the screen. Solomon was muttering, but Haji still couldn't see the damn screen yet.
"Yes -come on- yes! Keep going! Oh! Yes!"
Haji shuddered slightly. He'd never liked Solomon, but enjoying a detailed sex scene between the two of them he'd found on the net was just damn creepy. "Solomon, are you gay?" Haji said, forgetting Solomon didn't know he was there. Solomon jumped and swore, standing and turning to face him.
"Look what you made me do!"
Solomon said to Haji, pointing to the screen that said 'GAME OVER.' "I died, you asshole!" Haji let out a sigh of relief. "Phew. For a moment there, I was going to think I simply wouldn't be capable of semi-comfortably sleeping in the same cabin as you."
Actually, he wasn't comfortable before, he definitely wasn't now, and if that had have been what he'd thought it might have been, he would have slept outside. Prettyboy looked confused, and Haji wondered why he was such a huge company figure if he couldn't contemplate something like this.
"Why?" Solomon said. Maybe he just hadn't noticed he'd been muttering. "I thought you were masturbating to that story. There. I said it." Haji cringed inwardly at the words, leaning on the cupboards beside him instead. Solomon sat back down in the computer chair, rotating to face Haji with his fingertips together.
"Are you homophobic?"
He said, raising his eyebrows. Haji being a homophobic idiot would not make him think any more highly of him. "No! I'm just not interested in seeing your extremities... let alone coming into contact with them." Haji said, his voice rife with disgust.
"Personally, I thought it was hilarious. A stray cat? Meow!"
Solomon said, winking and pawing at the air, laughing at how uncomfortable it made Haji. "Just don't go there, Solomon, because you're crossing the damn line with that kind of humor." Haji said. They were roughly 4 hours into their 'alone time' (the first 3 1/2 hours spent just totally ignoring each other in silence).
What in the name of duodenum were they supposed to do for the next 3 hours until Saya finally arrived? Solomon was simply going to torture Haji with the words of that crazy fangirl, most likely. "Come on, admit it, you're covering up! You liked it!" Solomon said, grinning evilly at him.
"Ugh... No! No, flat out NO." Haji said, glaring at Solomon. Solomon gave him a look he didn't like one bit before he spoke. "There were some more comparisons in there with you and animals, you know. I could make you a list about that too, if you'd like." Solomon said, taking a pen from his jacket pocket and looking in the desk drawers.
"Please don't tell me you're actually making a list. Please don't. Just don't do it, and you won't have to die when we get out of here. You'd like me to spare your scrawny neck, wouldn't you, you credent?"
He said, glaring yet again at Solomon. Actually, Haji found he couldn't remember a time when he had looked at Solomon without extreme dislike. Solomon had found a bible in one of the drawers, and was ripping out the blank pages in the back.
"That's strange. You used 'credent' just now, like you're some sort of cultured badass. But roughly seven minutes ago, you were using 'douchebag'. I think I can guess which personality dominates." Solomon said without looking up.
He coughed, and it sounded very suspiciously like 'douchebag'. Haji narrowed his eyes. "I just find that being around a person -or perhaps I should say chiropterean- like you brings out the worst in me." Solomon had begun writing on the blank papers, a few extras beside the one he was using on the desk.
Go figure, he was using his typical, elegant handwriting, taking his time. Then again, Haji couldn't blame him- they did have three more hours to go. "Actually, I think it's quite possible that you have no optimal side to your personality." Solomon said as he reached the halfway point on the blank paper.
"Stop trying to steal my frame of sentence structure, it doesn't work for you."
Haji said, leaving his position beside the cabinets and hopping onto the counter. "You don't own the way I choose to put together my sentences." Solomon replied as he finished with a fourish, waving his hand in the air. He'd even signed his name on the back, the cocky little-
"And here you are. Comparisons of Haji to animals, compiled by Solomon Goldsmith."
He got up and walked over to Haji, handing him the note and using his fake, overly cheerful smile again. He stood there and waited, bouncing on the balls of his feet, his hands behind his back. "...Aren't you going to sit back down?" Haji said, slowly raising his eyebrows as Solomon wouldn't stop staring at him.
"Not until you read it." Solomon replied, and Haji's eyebrows cimbed further up his pale forehead. "You don't seriously think I'm going to read this?" He said, holding the paper slip up.
"Haji, look around. Do you really have anything better to do?"
Solomon's smile intensified as he knew Haji got the point. Grudgingly, he held the paper up to his face and his eyes began scanning the words.
...And now you must wait for the next chapter. xD