How to Use Facebook
(or, what happens when Muggle-loving Molly teaches the Next Gen how to use Facebook)
"What's this?" Lily Potter asked, pointing scornfully at a device on the table in front of her.
Sighing impatiently, Molly told her, "It's a computer, Lily. This Muggle device is commonly accepted by almost all of the Muggle universe, so I thought I might as well teach you all how to use it before-"
"Can it do my homework?" James Potter II wanted to know.
"It could certainly help," Molly informed him, "but I was planning on showing you all a common social networking-"
"It looks like a piece of plastic," Dominique announced.
"Way to state the obvious," Scorpius rolled his dark grey eyes. "So are you going to show us this Muggle contraption or not, half-blood?"
Rolling her eyes, Molly typed in the address for Facebook. "Who wants to set up an account first?"
"Me, oh, me!" James practically jumped out of his seat and dashed over to the computer. Seeing the keys, he blinked quickly. "How do you work this, Molly?"
"You just press the key for the letter you want to appear on the screen," Molly rolled her eyes. Moving the mouse over to the box that said Name beside it, she clicked once. "Now, press the letters for your name."
As slowly as a five-year-old, James typed the letters 'J', 'A', 'M', 'E', and 'S'. His brown eyes lit up once he saw his name in the box. "Look, Mol, I did it!"
"Yes, you did," Molly replied absently. Glancing about the room, she saw that all of the other kids (Lily, Albus, Dominique, Rose, Scorpius, Lorcan, Lysander, Hugo, Louis, Lucy, Roxanne, and Fred) were totally immersed, staring at the screen.
"How does it work?" Lucy asked, studying it carefully.
"Technology, Luce," Molly replied. "Muggles aren't quite as stupid as we think." Looking at James again, she noticed he was poking the screen, trying to get the cursor to move. "James, stop that- look here, you move this little thing and click on the box. Now type your last name."
Still ever-so- slowly, James pressed the keys 'P', 'O', 'T', 'T', 'E', and 'R'. His last name appeared on the screen. Face lighting up again, he showed everyone the screen. "See now, it's my last name! James Potter!"
"That's so cool!" Lily cheered, beaming.
From behind her, Lorcan, Lucy, and Rose were examining it still, trying to see how it was happening. Lysander, Hugo, and Louis stood in amazement. Roxanne and Fred were playing a hand game, while Dominique, Scorpius, and Albus were trying to play the Slytherin we're-too-cool-to-care card while still peering in interest.
Rolling her eyes, Molly glanced back down to James, who was shouting at the computer. "NO, STUPID COMPUTER! MY BIRTHDAY ISN'T JANUARY 1st!"
Sighing, she scrolled down to his birthday. He glanced up at her sheepishly. "Guess it doesn't like me."
Once he'd (finally) finished all of his information, Molly logged on to his Facebook. She was grateful that she'd set up e-mail accounts for them beforehand. If she hadn't, that would be a disaster.
"Watch, everyone, so you can do this on your own," Molly commanded. Grinning, Roxanne turned away from her game of Concentration against Fred to watch. Lorcan needed no command- his eyes were still staring intently at it.
As quickly as possible, she helped James take a picture with the webcam. He did some cheesy smile, and right before the flash went off Albus, Dominique, and Scorpius stuck their heads in the picture.
"Hey!" James complained. "See what you did, you broke it!"
"The picture's not moving," Lucy told Molly, horrified.
"Muggle pictures don't move," She reminded her cousins. Shaking her head, she changed James' profile picture to the one he'd taken. "Now, here's where you set your status. Just type whatever's on your mind. Remember other people can see it, though."
"Amazing!" James cheered, and got right down to typing his first letter- 'I'.
Thirty minutes and 2 butterbeers (each) later, James finally finished his status. "I CAN TYPE NOW, AND I CAN USE FACEBOOK! JAMES POTTER IS AMAZING!"
Frowning, Molly walked over to her cousin and hit the word 'Share'. "How about I just show you how to do the rest?"
James sat back and watched as she added herself as a friend. Grinning, James yelled, "Look at Molly's profile picture!"
"It's just me," Molly told him, baffled.
"Yeah!" James laughed. "But it's on the computer!"
"Let me see," Lysander yelped, shoving his head next to James'. "Oh, Merlin! Molly's really on the computer, come see! There are her big red curls, and that weird smile she always does whenever someone takes her picture-"
Flaming red, Molly pushed her best friend out of the way. "Shut up, Lysander!"
But it was too late. All of the others crowded around the computer, yelling, "Let me see!" The focus of the next ten minutes consisted mainly of laughing at Molly's profile picture.
"All right," said a grumpy Molly. "I'm going upstairs. You can all figure out how to set up your own Facebook accounts."
"No!" Louis yelped. "Come on, amazing, beautiful Molly, help us out!"
Five hours and twelve new Facebook accounts later, an exhausted Molly headed back up to her room. She pulled out her own laptop that she'd bought with her allowance over the summer (much more up-to-date than the dinosaur she'd showed them). Quickly, she logged into her Facebook account and opened the group she'd made for all of them. She was shocked by the number of posts.
James Sirius Potter I CAN TYPE NOW, AND I CAN USE FACEBOOK! JAMES POTTER IS AMAZING!
No one likes this.
Lily Luna Potter Yeah, you just keep on thinking that.
Roxanne Weasley *snickers* yeah, right!
Lysander Scamander jaxivmes u canebniopt rewavlly tyeope suo maeeyebe u shuuld gewat off!
James Sirius Potter LYSANDER I AM AWESOME! AND MY TYPING IS BETTER THAN YOURS SO THERE!
Lucy Weasley And how long did it take you to type that?
James Sirius Potter TWENTY MINUTES! BUT SO WHAT? I AM STILL AWESOME!
Lysander Scamander haihare irt tuook meee tern muntues!
Molly laughed. It looked like neither James nor Lysander had been paying attention when she taught them how to type. Oh, well. But at least Roxanne, Lily, and Lucy seemed to get it. Wait… how were they on Facebook? None of them had a computer. Confused, Molly read on.
Lily Luna Potter did not know that our school library had computers! Who knew our library was so up-to-date?
Louis Weasley , Rose Weasley, Lucy Weasley, and Lorcan Scamander like this
Madam Pince So, Lily Luna, you assume that our library is old-fashioned? You think that we're out-of-date?
Lily Luna Potter Certainly not, Madam Pince *gulps*
Louis Weasley Yeah, these things are awful fun! Too much fun for a boring old library!
Madam Pince Louis Weasley! Detention!
Louis Weasley Can she seriously give me detention over Facebook?
Albus Severus Potter Maybe she'll give you a virtual detention :D
Dominique Weasley Now that sounds fun. I should go try to get one *goes to try to get virtual detention*
Lorcan Scamander These new fangled contraptions are amazing!
Rose Weasley I agree! The technology involved… so complicated…
Lucy Weasley Back in my day, I'd never heard of these.
Lily Luna Potter You three sound like grandparents.
From her chair, Molly snickered. Louis had detention, which wasn't surprising, and Rose, Lorcan, and Lucy were being grandparents again. There were no spelling mistypes on this page, which was unsurprising since neither Lysander nor James had posted on this page. Where was Fred?
She suddenly noticed Dominique's post, and scrolled down the page quickly to see what Dominique had done this time.
Dominique Weasley All the teachers at Hogwarts are liars, cheats, robbers, and frauds.
Fred Weasley, Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, Albus Severus Potter and Roxanne Weasley like this.
Professor McGonagall Dominique Weasley! Detention!
Dominique Weasley Virtual detention?
Professor McGonagall NO! Tomorrow, my office.
Dominique Weasley Aw, man.
Fred Weasley Can I have virtual detention?
Professor McGonagall No.
Fred Weasley Come on!
Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy Well, that's sad. :/
Fred Weasley Seriously? Your middle name is Hyperion?
Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy …yes.
Fred Weasley HAHAHA! Am I the only one who thinks that's hilarious?
Dominique Weasley I do too! HAHAHA!
Roxanne Weasley Me too! HAHAHA!
Albus Severus Potter So do I! Hahaha!
Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy …don't be cruel. Well, I could! *VIRTUAL* Rictumsempra!
Molly laughed again. James and Lysander were probably still typing their comments for those posts, she supposed. But poor Dominique- she had real detention tomorrow night. Which truthfully wasn't surprising. Dom had detention about every night.
Oh, no. The next post was from Lysander. Her best friend really loved to make a fool of himself, didn't he?
Lysander Scamander heii guoyas! Ii ame lysdanbdewr allecxabnsdert scanmqadndere! Stuke inm coumoanm ruuom, soo boerefd, ciomre resxcuwe me!
No one likes this.
Dominique Weasley Wow, that was almost decodable. Hey, guys! I am Lysander Alexander Scamander! Stuck in common room, so bored, come rescue me!
Louis Weasley Looks like gibberish.
Lorcan Scamander Wow, Lysander, is that Ancient Runes? No, you don't know Ancient Runes.
Rose Weasley That's not Ancient Runes. It's like Lysanderese.
Lysander Scamander don't bee meen
Albus Severus Potter Wow, Lysander! I could read that!
James Sirius Potter YOU ARE IMPROVING
Hugo Weasley So are you, James. What did that take you, like, 20 minutes?
James Sirius Potter ….30 MINUTES, I AM GETTING WORSE
Lysander Scamander heeehhwa jeams I anm beetrer thxzan u!
…Wow, was all Molly could think regarding Lysander's post. He was rather horrible at typing, and so was James.
The next post was from Hugo, who hadn't posted a lot so far.
Hugo Weasley getting amped up for the next Quidditch game!
Lily Luna Potter and Teddy Lupin like this.
Lily Luna Potter What in the name of Merlin is amped up?
Hugo Weasley It's a cooler way of saying excited!
James Sirius Potter SURE IT IS
Louis Weasley Me too, little buddy! Except you're in Hufflepuff and I'm in Gryffindor so…yeah… never mind. Sad. But we'll still crush you!
Hugo Weasley You will not!
Poor Hugo, Molly thought, grinning. Gryffindor would probably (hopefully) crush Hufflepuff, but poor little Hugo held onto his foolish hopes. She glanced down at the next one and did a double take. Wait, what?
It was a post from Louis…
Louis Weasley being a part-Veela is pretty cool… even though I'm a boy. Wait, never mind.
Lily Luna Potter, Victoire Weasley, and 12 others like this.
Victoire Weasley Hey, my little brother *kiss, kiss*! How's it going down there at Hoggie Warties? It is pretty amazing being part-Veela, isn't it? Don't you feel girly urges?
Louis Weasley NO!
Dominique Weasley Hahaha!
Roxanne Weasley Hahahaha!
Fred Weasley Hahahahaha!
Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy Even I'm laughing at you! Hahahahaha!
Albus Severus Potter Hahahaha!
Lysander Scamander Hawehkahaeha!
James Sirius Potter HAHAHAHA
Lucy Weasley Hahahaha
Lorcan Scamander Hahahaha!
Rose Weasley hahaha!
Hugo Weasley Hahahaha!
Lily Luna Potter HahahahaHA! Well, kid, that's everyone but Molly.
Just to spite her baby cousin, she posted a quick "HAHAHA! That's everyone!" before moving to the next post. She decided to give up and quit looking after this one; she'd had enough laughs to last her a week.
It was a post from her sister, Lucy Weasley.
Lucy Weasley Facebook is rather fascinating.
Lorcan Scamander, Rose Weasley, and Teddy Lupin like this.
Lorcan Scamander It is, isn't it?
Lucy Weasley Definitely *smiley face*
Lorcan Scamander *googly eyes*
Rose Weasley You two sicken me. Anyway, it definitely is.
Teddy Lupin I know, right? I've been on here for two years, building up my virtual farm on Farmville! Click this link to see! 13 people have marked this as spam.
Victoire Weasley SO THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING? *smack*
Teddy Lupin Come check out my farm with this link! 11 people have marked this as spam!
Victoire Weasley *SMACK!*
Teddy Lupin It isn't spam! 15 people have marked this as spam.
Lucy Weasley Anyway…
Shaking her head, Molly laughed at her sister's 'subtle' attempt to change the subject, and Teddy's blatant spamming. She prepared to log off for the night. But before doing so, she posted one final status.
Molly Weasley feels guilty for bringing all of you guys to Facebook. I feel like Facebook just got a whole lot crazier. Oh well!