Author's Notes: Yes, well, my next story. I hope you all enjoy it. I disclaim Regular Show, Dance-Dance Revolution, Willy Wonka & his chocolate factory, and a bunch of other stuff that obviously does not belong to me. So, yeah, enjoy it.
The Baking Boys
"There it is, Mordecai…"
"Holy Crap, dude…"
Rigby and Mordecai stared amazed as they approached the colossal store in the distance.
It's magnificent colors and bright lights glimmered in the evening. One could see it from nearly three miles away.
This was a brand-new store, and tonight was its grand opening. It was called, "The Baking Boys".
It was every sweets-aholic's dream: candy, cookies, cake, ice-cream, soda…ice-cream-soda, fudge, gummy bears, bubble-gum, marshmallows, chocolate milk, caramel, pixie-sticks, lollipops, jawbreakers, jellybeans, fried dough, and various other types of sweets everybody couldn't get enough of.
It was like a kid's dream. Surrounded by mountains and mountains of sugary sweets, mile after mile of frosted cupcakes and chocolate pudding, lakes filled with soda.
Rigby was particular excited. He couldn't wait to sink his teeth into the sugary substances, to develop permanent cavities on his molars.
"This better be worth it, you two…" declared Benson, pointing a sharp finger at the two groundskeepers as they licked their lips and put their hands together in joy, "I'm missing Jersey Shore for this crappy place…"
"Oh, don't worry Benson," said jolly old Pops as he grinned widely, "I'm sure this place will be as grand as a bucket filled with talking dinosaurs in a yellow submarine during an over-priced Fourth of July Megadeth concert during a volcanic eruption!"
Benson arched his eyebrows, frowned, and he asked, "…What?"
Clearly, he was mystified by Pops' bizarre metaphor, as any logical human being (or anthropomorphic gumball-machine) would be.
Our two heroes, Mordecai and Rigby, however, were lost in their little candied imaginations, thinking about how they would be engorging themselves with various sweets and treats. They had been waiting for this place to open for an extended amount of time. The first night, all of the candy inside of The Baking Boys sweets-shop would be free to all customers.
Finally, they reached the colossal crowd of various people. Citizens of all ages were there: kids, adults, old people, dogs, unicorns, wizards, fox-people, ghosts, midgets, clowns, mimes, and the like.
Mordecai, Rigby, Pops, and Benson all stepped into the crowd, as they observed a jolly-man with a handle-bar moustache and a formal suit, clutching a large pair of scissors (that was painted to appear as if it were made out of peppermint).
He laughed jovially, and he declared, in a good-hearted, loud voice, "I am proud to announce, to officially proclaim 'The Baking Boys Candy Pop-N-Shop', open!"
The man snipped the "Do not cross" tape around the store's automatic doors, and the people went inside, charging in like a herd of water buffalo in the Australian outback.
One person shoved the jolly old man out of the way, sending him rolling over to the side of the van, where his camera crew was. One of the cameramen put down his camera and asked, "Are you alright?"
The jolly old man, who wasn't looking so 'jolly' anymore, stood up with a furious sneer on his face, snarled in a deep, gruff voice, "Bah, damn kids always shovin' and bitin' for their candy-crap…"
He yanked the false moustache off of his face and hissed, "God damn it, I need a drink!" He pulled out a packet of cigarettes and a canteen filled with hard liquor, and he chugged it down.
However, a little boy saw the old man, ran up to him and said, "Excuse me sir?"
The old man arched his eyebrow and stared down at the small, egg-headed nerdy child with freckles, a striped shirt, taped glasses, and a hat with a propeller on top of it.
The old man opened his mouth and let out a loud, obnoxious belch, and he asked, "What the 'H' do you want, ya little brat?"
The kid, still retaining his buck-tooth smile, politely asked, "Could I have a picture taken with you?"
"A picture, huh? You want a picture, kid?"
The boy nodded with his eyes squinted in glee. The old man forced a pseudo-smile on his face, and he said, "Yeah-yeah, sure. Wait right here…"
The old drunk guy signaled his crew to wrap things up and get inside the van. Once they did, the old man got inside his van, and right before the van sped away, he opened the window and declared, "Take a picture of this, punk! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Mordecai and Rigby both went charging into the massive store with their mouths watering and tongues hanging out, picturing all the delicious candy, cakes, and pies.
Finally, the large glass doors slid open (or in their case, it was the gates of heaven) and what a sight to behold.
Cotton candy, gummy bears, chocolate vats, candy canes, chocolate-chip cookies, gummy worms, Swedish fish, chocolate-covered marshmallows, ice-cream, and tons of various other sweets were stacked upon giant shelves and glass cases & containers. Lights were everywhere, and the roof was polished to a mirror sheen.
The shelves towered to the rooftops, with every corner filled with some type of sugary sweet.
It was as if Santa's Workshop got married to the Candy Land board game, and this candy store was their baby.
The kids and adults all scattered, excited to get their hands on some candy, while Mordecai, Rigby, Benson, and Pops stayed at the doorway, staring in amazement at all the candy and treats that were in front of them.
"Whoa," declared Mordecai, staring up at the mountains of candy that stood before them, "Willy Wonka's got nothing on this place!"
Rigby grinned a toothy and his paws began shaking excitedly. "What the 'H' are we doing just standing around here like idiots? Let's go eat something!"
Mordecai and Rigby both went scrambling into the candy fields, leaving Pops and Benson in the dust.
Mordecai approached what looked like a giant chocolate room…
Chocolate oozed from the ceilings, and giant pools of chocolate swirled around in massive vats. Swans made out of chocolate served as decorations, and there were piles of chocolate bars, chocolate kisses, and various other bits and pieces of chocolate all over.
Mordecai's eyes widened with excitement as his eyes observed all the delicious chocolate at his disposal. He sprinted up to one of the chocolate vats, and he looked at the brown liquid inside of it. He saw his reflection within it, and he dunked his head inside of it for a few seconds.
Just as he had his head in the chocolate, a middle-aged man was walking by the entrance of the chocolate room, and he noticed Mordecai with his head dipped in the chocolate.
Mordecai then lifted his head out of the vat, with his cheeks fat and filled with chocolate sauce. His face had blotches of chocolate all over it. His eyes swung to the left, and then they swung to the right.
Then, the blue-jay spit out the chocolate sauce inside of his mouth, and laughed in a goofy manner. His eyes were half-closed and he felt very silly. Chocolate oozed down from the top of his head.
He saw the man at the entrance giving him an awkward eye. Mordecai blinked twice, and then he grinned a toothy smile, revealing nasty chocolate stains on his teeth. The man's eyes widened in size, his face turned pale, and he covered his mouth with his middle and index fingers. The man then ran away from the chocolate room as fast he could, and the only thing Mordecai could hear was the man puking as he was running away.
The feathered grounds-keeper then leapt off of the chocolate vat (still grinning wildly), and went running outside of the chocolate room, still dripping with chocolate, laughing maniacally while yelling in a high-pitched voice, "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa-puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa-puffs!"
Soon, Mordecai found "Sweet Mountain"…
Mordecai stared at the mountain with his eyes bewildered. He never knew candy could make such an enormous pile.
"Oh man," declared Mordecai, beholding the candy colossus, "Is eating this much candy even legal?"
He jumped right in and began shoving handfuls of candy into his mouth. Flavor soon began tap-dancing on his tongue, and he grew even more ravenous. He began shoveling sweets into his mouth with both feathered hands.
As he began stuffing himself even more, his eyes suddenly became "swirly". His pupils suddenly became bright red swirls, and he began sweating as he ate. He paused for a moment, and he screamed as the sugar began pumping into his vains, "YAAAAAAY-YUHHHHH!"
Rigby, on the other hand, went into the "Gummy Room"…
Rigby was far more prone to insanity, and it appears as though he had still not learned his lesson from his "previous indulgence" when his body had nearly given up on him.
Rigby's tongue hung out as his neck snapped from left to right, staring at all the delicious gummy-based treats.
Gummy bears, gummy worms, gummy killer sharks, gummy watches, gummy cheeseburgers, gummy Gumbys, and everything else you could imagine was gummy.
Rigby, so excited by all the "nutritious" candy, shut his eyes and excitedly ran to a random corner in the room, and began digging his claws into a random corner, and began snatching up gummy worms.
He popped them into his mouth (still with his eyes closed) and chewed them thoroughly, trying to get all their sugary and sweet flavors.
However, unlike Mordecai, Rigby wasn't alone in the room.
A few kids had entered with him into the gummy room, and he heard them going, "Ewwwwww!", and "Grooooooossss!"
Rigby opened his eyes and turned to them.
"Wha'?" he said, with his mouth full of gummy worms (chunks of them went flying out as he spoke), "'aven't you ever theen a guy eat candeh' befo'?"
A little girl pointed at something in front of Rigby, and he looked down. He saw that he had accidentally dug into an empty part of the room, and he actually burrowed a hole through the cement, and had grabbed real worms from the dirt underneath the cement.
He gazed at his paw as real worms slithered and squirmed in his grip, and he opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, to reveal real worms still squirming inside.
The gummy candy tasted so scrumptious…
As Rigby shoved tons and tons of tiny little colorful gummy bears into his mouth, he began to grow a bit hyper-active.
Like Mordecai, Rigby's eyes began turning into bright red little swirls, and small droplets of sweat began streaming down his face.
"Deeee-licious!" declared Rigby, as he stood up and began to walk around in circles. He placed his paws on his head, and getting a little too delirious from all the sudden amount of sugar, he began saying, "…Heh…heh-heh…all your base…base, base…all your base… are belong to us…"
The kids all stared at him, confused as to why he began saying all of these bizarre things. They got especially confused (and a little frightened) when he began rolling on the floor uncontrollably and shrieking, "DO A BARREL ROLL!"
Suddenly, he stood up tall, and he went dashing out of there, looking for more gummy bears.
He was in luck, though…
A little further into the store was a giant gummy bear…
This was no ordinary gummy bear, however.
This certain large, 5'0 ft. gummy bear was engineered by culinary scientists and engineers, who modified it to become a creature that was able to primitively rationalize and think, as well as to speak. It could also recite Shakespearean poetry.
It was a light-green gummy bear, and it's head was slightly larger than it's body. It's body was a horizontally-shaped oval, and it's legs were two little stumps with paws. It didn't have paws, it had normal hands with five fingers.
It also filled with cherry jelly, although it wasn't noticeable.
A group of kids were circled around this giant gummy bear.
It could talk, it could sing, it could dance, and just about any other thing. It was displayed for everyone on a large, colorful pedestal.
The gummy bear said, "Hey kids, I'm Garfield the gummy bear! I hope all of you are enjoying 'The Baking Boys' candy shop! Don't forget to mention this place to friends, family members, or total strangers! And don't forget, I love you!"
This gummy bear had a type of low, electronic high-pitched voice. The kids loved it, and they cheered as the gummy finished speaking.
Rigby searched the candy shop like a hungry hunter-gatherer searches for it's caribou. He wanted more gummy bears, more sugary sweets to devour.
Suddenly, his nose caught of whiff of something. Something…sugary!
Rigby followed the scent, and he saw the gummy bear smiling wildly and waving at all the kids.
Of course, Rigby was still in his delusional state, therefore, he did not see the gummy bear waving and smiling. Instead, he saw something very bizarre.
He did, indeed, see the gummy bear. But it was wearing a type of yellow underwear and in front of him was a silver microphone stand. He wore white sneakers, and one of it's ears appeared to have a bite mark on it.
Rigby blinked twice, and he began sweating and licking his furry lips. He began uttering in a low voice, "…bear...bear…bear that's gummy?..."
The gummy bear turned to him, and began leaping everywhere, and a very distinct pop song began playing in his head.
The bear sang:
"Oh I'm a gummy bear!
Yes, I'm a gummy bear!
Oh, I'm a yummy-tummy-funny-lucky gummy bear!
I'm a jelly bear, 'cause I'm a gummy bear!
Oh, I'm a movin'-groovin'-jelly-singin' gummy bear!
Ba-da-dooba-dooba-yum-yum! Ba-da-dooba-dooba-yum-yum! Ba-da-dooba-dooba-yum-yum!
Three times you can bite me, gummy-gummy-gummy-gummy-gummy bear!"
Rigby just stared at the gummy bear do all these things in his head, but the bear wasn't doing any of this in reality.
The bear said, "Remember kids, bring your parents here next time, so they can buy you lots and lots of candy! Because remember; parents love buying candy for you! Why else would we have Halloween and Easter?"
Rigby went sprinting up behind the bear's back, drooling with hunger as he approached it with his paws outstretched like a zombie.
The gummy bear then began reciting some very good Shakespearean poetry.
"To be, or not to be. That is the question…
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against…AAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
The kids began screaming, running, and pointing at the bear's face, as they observed Rigby with his jaws sunk deep within the bear's head.
"Help! Mommy! Somebody!" yelled the gummy bear, as it leapt off it's pedestal and began running around in tiny circles.
Rigby stayed on top of it's head, wiggling, flopping and writhing like a fish on a hook. The kids stopped screaming and just observed the bear going crazy, trying to rip Rigby off of it's head.
After a few seconds of insanity, the bear fell on the floor, rolling around as Rigby tried to rip off some of it's gummy fur with his teeth.
"Get it off, get it off!"
The kids all went running towards the bear, and they all stopped when they were right over it.
The bear looked up and cried, "Oh thank you little kiddies for coming to help me, I…AAAAAAAAAACK!"
The kids all bent down and began chomping on the bear, pulling off it's limbs and chewing off it's fingers. The bear shrieked wildly as the cherry jelly inside of it began squirting out of it's wounds.
"OH MY GOD!" hollered the bear between violent coughing and gasps, "NO! AAAAAH!"
As Rigby and the kids tore the bear apart limb from limb, the bear uttered one last, final quote.
"If after every tempest come such calms,
May the winds blow… till they have waken'd death!"
Oh, come on now Benson, just enjoy yourself…"
No way, Pops."
Benson crossed his arms and shook his head. All he wanted to do was to go back home and finish watching television like a couch potato. He had had a long day at the park, taking care of it and cleaning it, especially after a very husky, big-boned kid had gotten sick and hurled near the snack bar.
Pops observed a few lollipops behind a glass counter. Pops wasn't complaining, but Benson was tapping his foot impatiently and rolling his eyes as he observed the lollipop-headed man giggling every few seconds.
But then, something caught Benson's attention. A large set of gumball machines were over in the corner. He blinked for a second, and he said, "What the…?"
Just as he said that, he heard a deranged laughter coming from the background. He turned around and saw a crazed Mordecai running towards the set of machines, his tongue hanging out with foam spewing from his beak, and he was waving his arms excitedly in the air.
All that sugar was going full force now, and since all the candy was free, anybody could get free gumballs.
Mordecai jumped on the machine's handle, and turned it, using his entire body to twist it.
Colorful little gumballs spewed out of the little slots, and Benson gasped as he saw this. Mordecai leapt off of the handle, and he began picking up massive handfuls of them. He shoved them into his mouth and he chewed them noisily and grotesquely.
Benson's pupils shrunk and his mouth hung open as he witnessed Mordecai maliciously chewing on his brethrens.
Mordecai turned to Benson, still horrifically chewing on the gum wads with his deranged swirly eyes and sweat pouring down his face. Mordecai grinned with his mouth full of chewed up gum and drool streaming out of his lips, and he chuckled in a low-toned, goofy voice "Hyuk-hyuk-hyuk-hyuk!"
Benson began backing away nervously, and he began saying, "C-c-cannibals…"
The frightened manager turned around screaming, "Cannibals…you're all friggin' cannibals!" As he went running out the door, Pops turned around and witnessed Benson sprinting as fast as he could out the door, screaming in a high-pitched, girly-like voice.
"Awww man…this sucks!"
Mordecai and Rigby were lying down in their beds the next morning, sick to their stomachs from all the candy they had eaten the previous night.
Mordecai's face was covered in pimples from all the chocolate and he was suffering from an extreme head-ache, while Rigby had gained about thirty-pounds in one night after devouring the gummy bear entirely.
Rigby had developed chins and his waistline tripled in size.
"Aw man," began Mordecai, looking at himself in the mirror, "How the 'H' am I supposed to look good for Margaret?" He slapped his feathery hands over his face and shook his head.
"That's nothing," said Rigby, lying down and pinching the newly-established rings of fat around his stomach, "Try losing thirty-pounds a week before the 'Dance-Dance Revolution' contest…"
Benson, meanwhile, was in a fetal position in the corner of his room, rocking back and forth with his eyes bloodshot and frantically swinging from left to right, chanting, "Can't sleep…blue-jay will eat me…can't sleep…blue-jay will eat me…"
Pops peeked into Mordecai and Rigby's room, and then he peered into Benson's room. Then, he shook his head, and said, with a smile and his eyes closed, "Even Ithink they're all a bunch of wusses…"
Author's Notes: Well, there you have it. I'm not sure if it was funny, but I wrote this during a writer's block. I still hope you all enjoyed it. Please review!