Title: The User's Guide and Manual to Ianto Jones
Rating: PG-13
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Ianto; Jack/Ianto, Ianto/Lisa
Summary: Congratulations on your purchase of a IANTO JONES Unit!
Warnings: Crack-ish, mentions sex, brief mention of canon psychological non-con (Adam)
Disclaimer: If I owned Torchwood, the boys would have had more screentime together, more sex, and Ianto would still be alive.
I also don't own The Casimir Effect.
A/N: Please note that this "unit" form of fic is not my own idea.



Combating the threat of The Doctor and Other Phantasmagoria since 1879


Congratulations on your purchase of a IANTO JONES Unit!

You are now the proud owner of a brand new, life-size IANTO JONES Unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope for you to be buying more TORCHWOOD units from us near the future. To obtain maximum enjoyment from your IANTO JONES Unit please follow the instructions we have included below.

Name: Ianto Jones

Type: 21st Century Human Male

Height: 5' 11"

Weight: 150 lbs

Manufacturer: Jones and Jones

Your IANTO JONES Unit comes with:

Two three-piece suits

One stopwatch

One red UNIT beret

One coffee machine

One stun gun

LISA HALLET Units(converted/unconverted), CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Units and MYFANWY Units sold separately

Your IANTO JONES Unit has been designed to be both easy and fun to use. His controls are voice activated, and he will usually obey orders, unless you piss him off or he has a good reason to disobey you. He will also call you "Sir" (or "Ma'am") with those beautiful Welsh vowels via Torchwood headsets or in person.

Besides being gorgeous Eye-Candy with a nice arse who looks good in a suit, your IANTO JONES Unit also has plenty of other practical functions.

Coffee/Tea Boy
Are you a coffee lover? Do you need a daily caffeine fix? Cannot function without an hourly dose of your favourite drug? Your IANTO JONES Unit will work his coffee magic. Just make sure you never touch his coffee machine. Piss him off and he will serve you decaf. And don't forget to join King Ianto's Coffee Club. For everlasting peace and damn fine coffee.

Part-Time Shag/Boyfriend/Lover/"Unlabelled"
Your relationship with your IANTO JONES Unit may start out and seem to some as just shagging, but according to your IANTO JONES Unit, it's not. It's more than that. Whatever your relationship with your IANTO JONES Unit may be, please note that your IANTO JONES Unit takes love and commitment very seriously. If you plan to spend forever and whatnot with him, stay away from CYBERMEN Units and THE DOCTOR Units, and also make sure to keep him away from GRAY Units and 456 Units.

Regardless of what you consider him to be, your IANTO JONES Unit is best suited to be partnered with a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit. While he may be compatible with other Units, only the CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit and Torchwood can give his life meaning again. While a LISA HALLETT Unit is also highly compatible and will make your IANTO JONES very happy, please make sure that she is kept away from any CYBERMEN Unit in order to ensure your IANTO JONES Unit's continued happiness.

Note: Whether he is one or not, calling him a "part-time shag" will result in him shooting you – in the shoulder, if you're lucky.

Dogsbody/General Admin
He will clean up your shit, no questions asked, just how you like it. Don't take him for granted though, because your IANTO JONES Unit can be lethal with a stun gun (if he looses it, pray they survive). From chasing the scum of the universe by day, to turning into the wedding fairy by night, your IANTO JONES Unit is willing to take on anything with a glare or a witty remark.

The IANTO JONES Unit is also Torchwood Three's archivist. That means that he takes care of and locks away the alien artifacts that fall through the Rift, besides taking care of documentation and paperwork that the other Torchwood Three Units are too lazy to do. The Archive is his baby. Do not approach your IANTO JONES Unit's Archive without his permission if you value your life. If you do not have an Archive at home, your library/nearest bookshelf will do.

Note: Don't forget that your IANTO JONES Unit knows everything. It says so on the bottom of the screen.

Your IANTO JONES Unit should be regularly cleaned (at least once a day). Failure to clean your IANTO JONES Unit will result in your IANTO JONES Unit becoming grouchy and serving your decaf. (If you have a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit, your IANTO JONES Unit may deny said Unit sex.)

Your IANTO JONES Unit can be washed together with your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit. Please note that this will last in very long showers/baths and the Torchwood Institute will not be responsible for your exorbitant water bill.
It is advisable not to wash your IANTO JONES Unit with other character Units (except LISA HALLET Units [unconverted]).

Your IANTO JONES Unit requires regular doses of coffee in order to function properly. It is advisable that this coffee be prepared by your IANTO JONES Unit himself. We advise that you ensure make sure he eats his greens; the CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit says he's not eating enough vegetables.

It is also recommended to get a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit to have regular sex with your IANTO JONES Unit. Regular sex will result in a happier and more outgoing IANTO JONES Unit.

Your IANTO JONES Unit is compatible with all other TORCHWOOD THREE Units. In order to keep your IANTO JONES Unit is perfect working condition, we advise you to keep him away from WEEVIL Units and other units from the TORCHWOOD THREE THREATS series.
The IANTO JONES Unit is also highly compatible with the MARTHA JONES Unit of the DOCTOR WHO line of units.

Your IANTO JONES Unit may or may not be compatible with a CAPTAIN JOHN HART Unit, depending if the setting of your CAPTAIN JOHN HART Unit is set to friendly or hostile.

Your IANTO JONES Unit is not at all compatible with GRAY Units or 456 Units. Direct contact with any of these Units will result in the immediate termination of your IANTO JONES Unit (no refunds). Also, please keep your IANTO JONES Unit away from ADAM SMITH Units, unless you want your IANTO JONES Units to get mind-raped into thinking he's a serial killer.

Note: Please keep your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit away from THE DOCTOR Units since that will result in your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit leaving Torchwood which will make your IANTO JONES Unit very unhappy.

Note: Give your IANTO JONES Unit a stopwatch and he'll be happy. It's the button on the top.

Q: Why does my IANTO JONES Unit always wear suits? Doesn't he have any other clothes?
A: It's part of his job to look good in a suit. Also, the CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit likes the suit. Your IANTO JONES Unit may also have other personal reasons for dressing so formally. Why don't you cozy up and ask him?

Q: Why does my IANTO JONES Unit have a stopwatch fetish?
A: It's the button on top. And there are lots of things you can do with a stopwatch. It's quite a list. Why not see him in your office in ten minutes and find out for yourself?

Q: Why won't my IANTO JONES Unit make tea?
A: The IANTO JONES Unit does make tea, but believes coffee to be the superior brew. Maybe you should ask nicely, on your knees and all that. Or get a JACKIE TYLER Unit from the DOCTOR WHO line of Units.

Problem: My IANTO JONES Unit served me instant decaf!
Solution: The IANTO JONES Unit only serves instant decaf when he's been severely pissed off. What did you do? Did you call him a "part-time shag", or make the SUV "disconcertingly sticky"? Did you enter his Archives without permission? The only solution is to go to him and grovel and beg to be allowed back in his good graces. We would also suggest kisses, hugs and blowjobs to make him happy, but strongly advise that you get a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit to give him those three. You're still going to have to grovel though.

Problem: My IANTO JONES Unit killed three girls! He said it felt so good! He tried to kill me too!
Solution: Has your IANTO JONES Unit come into contact with an ADAM SMITH Unit? If he has, this means that he has been feeding himself into your IANTO JONES Unit's memories, by touch. Don't believe it. To fix your IANTO JONES Unit, use the Retcon B67 override. Please note that by doing so, you will permanently terminate your ADAM SMITH Unit.

Problem: My IANTO JONES Unit claims to be a scientist in the year 2050 and is trying to convince his one true love not leave him despite the fact that her presence will create a temporal paradox.
Solution: You have mistakenly been sent a DOCTOR ROBERT CAMERON Unit from the THE CASIMIR EFFECT line of Units. If you do not wish to keep this unit, please fill out the form provided in the manual and we will send you a IANTO JONES Unit in exchange. If you wish to keep your DOCTOR ROBERT CAMERON Unit, we recommend you buy a DOCTOR ALICE SHARPE Unit to keep him company.

Problem: My IANTO JONES Unit is depressed and emo and feels like his stomach's full of rats.
Solution: Did you have a LISA HALLETT Unit that had been set in the Converted mode? It's only natural that he be depressed after watching his colleagues pump bullets into her. Or have you recently encountered cannibals on a trip to the countryside? If you happen to own a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit, it may be because he left with THE DOCTOR Unit. We suggest you get a GWEN COOPER Unit, a TOSHIKO SATO Unit and an OWEN HARPER Unit and make sure they all spend more time with your IANTO JONES Unit; you'll find that he'll soon be cheerful and snarky and wearing pink!

Torchwood Institute is not responsible for any stopwatches or office furniture broken, pterodactyls captured, or Rifts opening in your neighbourhood. We hope you enjoy your IANTO JONES Unit and may you both have lots of fun "dabbling" together.