Hey Everyone! Thanks to you all who voted in the PostSecret Prompt Contest. I had two entries in it (anonymously) and this is one of them. This story didn't win but the other that I'm posting, They Think I'm Dead, did win 3rd place! SQUEE! I hope you all like this and I might continue it at a later date, but I have so many other projects that I've already committed to so I can't promise it right now.

Thanks go to preciousfairymom80 who laughed her ass off at my idea for this, The COUP, and helped me nurture the idea .?docid=21067406when I had it one morning at like 4am.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or PostSecret

•Title : The Confessions of the Overworked and Underpaid Peen (The Coup)

•PostSecret Used: My downstairs neighbor and I have screaming matches to see who's the loudest during sex, I usually win.

•Summary: Edward is a whore and rising pornstar who abuses his peen on a daily basis, demanding performance and the utmost behavior from it. Well, now it's time for the tale to be told.

The Confessions of the Overworked and Underpaid Peen

Edward's Peen POV (yes you read that right)

It's hard being a dick. Seriously, no pun intended. I'm expected to stand at attention on command, not stand at attention when the situation doesn't warrant it, keep myself up for as long as needed, and not become a bulimic before it's asked of me. As I said, it's hard being a dick!

My host, Edward Cullen, was an aspiring whore and pornstar who overworked me, definitely underpaying me after some of the caverns he had me go spelunking in. These were scary places, full of deep, dark crevasses that no man or peen should ever plunder. I wanted to ask for fifty yards of rope, a helmet with a little lamp, and a gun to fight off any predators. But before I could, Edward would practically suffocate me in latex and shove me in, not even asking if I wanted to work at that moment. I swore to myself that if anything bit or attacked me in here, I was going on strike, refusing to rise for the occasion for at least a week. Take that motherfucker.

I knew to never act up at work, which could seriously fuck up our job. But, he sometimes brought the work home with him and I felt the beginnings of a picket line to protest the work for no pay. When work was brought home, I was expected to act gentlemanly, rising when she did and staying up until she came.

Now, I wasn't small by any means, and I could normally feel quite snug, cuddled inside in the warm, wet canal. But some of these chicks that Edward explored could give a lunar crater a run for size. Did they not know? Did they think that a two-by-four wasn't needed to keep the guy on the outside? Damn!

I did get my fair pick of the puss though, pretty much getting anything I saluted. If I stood up and took notice, he brought them home. That made for the beginning of a very interesting story.

The hot piece of puss downstairs had my name written all over her, or that's how I wanted it. But she wouldn't give Edward the time of day. I heard mentions of whore, slut, asshat, and a few other names muttered as we passed in the lobby or stairs. Well, mission 'Make the Puss Purr' started. I wanted those big brown eyes looking at me, those soft and full lips kissing my head, and those long mahogany locks grazing my little brothers as her mouth was wrapped around me.

I was going to fuck the next puss so good that the kitty downstairs would certainly hear the screaming. I wanted her to want to be the one screaming for me. I would make it happen somehow.

I began to stand at attention, saluting any piece of ass that looked semi tantalizing. Edward would woo them, make them laugh and giggle, then they would smile and head home with him, eager for me to make my appearance. And appear I did! I got a few ooh's, some aah's, and quite a few mmm's from mouths that were closed around me.

Some of these mouths made me want to pack some Altoids or something in the condom box so he could give them a hint. Halitosis anyone? But, the best was always yet to come. Some would do an impromptu strip tease, others would just jump to the goods, but they all ended up the same way, naked and being invaded by me.

After a few repeat nights of action, different girls every night, and screams echoing through the walls, ceiling, and floors; the combative screams began to float up through the floorboards. My little puss downstairs wanted this to be a contest? Well, a contest it shall be!

I had my little twitch tricks I could use to make a chick's toes curl in delight, eliciting noises from her unknown to man, woman, or bitch in heat. All I had to do was...

"OH FUCK ME GOD DAMN!" came from this one's mouth.

Oh yeah! I still had the twitch. The next move was something like…


"Yeah, fucking hot, tight, yeah baby," Edward said, one of his trademark lines of mindless filler dirty talk. He needed a real challenging puss to bring out the real dirty talk. I hoped that 'Make the Puss Purr' would grant us that challenge. She sure did look like one to me.

The grunting was coming from above me, there was loud screaming coming from below the floorboards, and I was getting ready to vomit my entire intestinal contents all over myself, restricted by this damn wetsuit. Time for the curtain call.

I twitched one more time, bending slightly upwards as I did so and…

"OH GOD! FUCKSHITGODDAMNMOTHERFUCKER SO FUCKING GOOD!" was all that fell from her top lips as I stuffed her bottom ones, making her scream out just as Edward moaned and I spewed on myself.

The screams from downstairs continued for just a moment longer but they didn't sound as committed as before. Then, they died off altogether. Win number one for me!

The nightly screaming matches ensued, the screaming from my conquests drowning out the screams from below. I waited silently, slowly getting tired and limp, for Edward to remove from my restrictive cover and clean me the fuck off. I didn't have to wait long as he sprinted to the bathroom.

Right before he closed the door he yelled out to the chick, "thanks Jessica but I've got a really early morning so I'm going to take a shower and hit the sack. I'll call you later this week." Damn cold brush-off but it was par for him.

Finally, I got the me and him time I enjoyed. This may sound gay, but it's not. He's my host, I have to love him. And the way he took care in washing me, running the suds all over me, ensuring that I was totally spotless, was just heaven.

After our shower, he gave my little brothers and me a haircut, keeping it nice and short like a putting green. He was meticulous with this shit, but the ladies loved the groomed lawn. Work enjoyed it too!

We really didn't have to work in the morning, but he wanted that chick, Jessica, out of the house. She hadn't been spectacular in the sack. In fact, she could have possibly made the worst ten list for me. Well, no, not that bad.

After finishing the grooming of me, Edward went to bed where I got to rest against his thigh, totally bare, feeling the satin sheets graze across me as he moved. It was fucking wonderful.

*~*The COUP*~*

Two weeks later found me hopping to attention, saluting the new employee at the café around the corner. I was all happy for her, bouncing with joy in anticipation of tonight as Edward got her number. Her name was Tanya and her strawberry blonde locks were one of my weaknesses. But, nothing like the mahogany ones downstairs. That thought made me start to sit down and I heard Edward growl at me.

Later that night, Tanya arrived looking sluttastic. She was in a tiny red dress that barely covered her ass. Damn that was a delicious looking ass…made me want to dive right in the poop chute and go to town. Maybe later?

The almost nightly screaming contests between the downstairs piece of puss and me had escalated when she had actually won one. I had to step up my game tonight, to make this Tanya really scream. Why wait too? I jumped up and started bouncing in anticipation of winning tonight.

Edward took the cues, as did Tanya, and we all soon tumbled into the bed, moans resonating throughout the apartment. After about ten minutes, the screams and moans from downstairs started up too. If I didn't know any better I'd say she had been listening to us. That shit turned me on!

I jumped for joy making Tanya scream out. Oh, so she liked it like that, huh? Well, let's see how she liked this… I did my little twitch parade, taking her through octaves I hadn't heard in a while. Each octave was met with another one from below, in a better tone too. Damn, hot, sexy, and can sing apparently? I got harder than ever!

I put the new twitch into my pump, spurred on by her screams down below, and made Tanya really get going, making her sound like the chimp house on crack. I swear to fuck if Edward brought this one home again I was quitting. Her noises made me want to go soft, but hearing Hot Puss's sounds from below kept me hard and going strong, like an Energizer Bunny!

I felt my stomach contents begin to rise up my neck. I hoped Edward was ready because the moans of Hot Puss were not going to allow me to hold back.

I bounced inside of Tanya a few more times, making her scream out something about her mother feeling it and I was glad that I was throwing up then, because that comment made me start to go soft, like instantly.

I was left stuffed inside my casing like a summer sausage, and waited for him to dispel the tramp so I could get my nightly bath. It was one thing I definitely looked forward to after the workouts he put me through. But, I didn't get my spa treatment. That shit pissed me off!

Instead, I had apparently delayed dinner so Edward cooped me up inside of a pair of boxers after doing a quick clean of me. He missed some though and I was going to get his ass for that later by sticking to his leg. Take that man whore!

Edward finished dressing and we, Tanya, him, and I headed downstairs to go grab a bite. On the way down the stairs we had to pass Hot Puss's door. I was shocked to hear some moans coming from inside. I jumped at their sound as they were so much different than her other noises, more sensual and real sounding. I was begging Edward to ditch this twat I had just filled and go beat down Hot Puss's door but he continued down the stairs.

We made it down to the lobby and he was fiddling with his phone. Suddenly it made the ringing sound and Edward answered it. After a few minutes of fake conversation he told Tanya that something had come up and he would have to take a rain check.

I did a happy dance in his pants as he kissed her then sprinted back up the stairs, the moans still coming out of Hot Puss's door as we passed it. He actually paused there for a moment, listening in, before scaling the rest of the stairs and stripping suddenly.

I was surprised when Edward ended up laying on the floor, pressing his ear into the wood, listening in to the sensual sounds emanating from Hot Puss's mouth. His hand reached down to grip me, giving me some of his love without the normal barrier between the flesh.

I about died when I heard Hot Puss moan, fucking moan, Edward's name. OH HOLY FUCK SHIT! That had to be the sexiest sound in the world. Hot Puss was moaning my host's fucking name. I began to twitch uncontrollably as Edward increased the friction of his strokes.

Right as I purged all over his hand I realized something, something that was going to be so much fucking fun…Hot Puss wanted me and I was going to make damn sure I made that desire a reality.

Really hoped you enjoyed! And, as I said above, I might continue it later. Let me know if you would like to see it expanded.

EDIT: I WILL BE CONTINUING THIS STORY! I CAN'T SAY WHEN THOUGH. What I will probably do is just write a chapter as I can, not posting regularly. Thanks for all the love already.