Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica unfortunately. :(
Nowaki found himself staring at his beloved Hiro-san for what felt like forever. He looked so beautiful, with his brown hair tousled against the pillow, and his plump lips parted slightly as he breathed deeply in and out. Was there honestly a limit to his love for this man who is four years older than him? No, absolutely, irrefutably not. The raven haired man was sure that if he were to try to fill up this entire planet with his love, it would burst with the pressure of it. He, too, prided in himself that he was not just all talk and no action. If there was anything in the orphanage that he had learned was that words were just words. He remembered the many times the caretakers would tell him he would get adopted, that they'd ensure it…only to be disappointed every time. Not that it matters anymore. He had his Hiro-san, he loves him with all his heart and he managed to prove his undying love by finally, FINALLY being able to catch up to him. He was finally a pediatric consultant in the hospital he works at, at just the tender age of 30 – something that few could accomplish. Of course Hiro-san went on to become a professor at Misuhashi University but that doesn't bother him anymore. He's finally caught on. That's all he wanted.
"No…wa…ki…" His eyes softened even more at hearing his name being called. At first he thought Hiro-san was just talking in his sleep –which thrilled him to no end since Hiro-san said HIS name in his sleep – but then eyelids fluttered to reveal bits of those brown eyes he loved so much.
"Yes, Hiro-san?" He had a big grin on his face now, happy to see his lover awake. Hiro-san was beautiful asleep…awake he was just…an angel.
"What the hell are you doing still up, idiot?" Hiro-san spat, looking at him with sleepy eyes. The younger man laughed. An angel with a devil's tongue. How adorable is that?
"Just admiring you as you sleep Hiro-s- " Before he could finish his sentence, a pillow collided with his face. He removed it to see Hiro-san's slightly flustered face. That only made him grin wider.
"S-s-stop being stupid and go to sleep! You've got work in the morning!"
"Hai, hai Hiro-san."
"Nowakiiiiii!" Before he could react, someone had glomped him from behind. It didn't take him long to realize who it was.
"Good morning Seiji-san," he greeted him politely. Seiji is another consultant in the hospital – replacing Tsumori who got transferred to another hospital. Although he somewhat missed his 'sempai' (even if Tsumori isn't really his sempai anymore), Seiji is a great orthopedic surgeon and over the months he'd worked there, they've become good friends.
Seiji, who had a strange mixture of blond and red hair and black eyes, grinned at him as he released his shoulders.
"Ahhh Nowaki always with the politeness. Anyway you seem like you're in a happy mood today? Got some yesterday night?"
The raven haired doctor chuckled. One thing he had to praise Seiji for is his bluntness. "No, nothing like that. I'm just happy that's all."
"Ahhh, yes nothing like coming home to a grouch who throws books at you constantly." Seiji said it with amusement in his voice. Of course, he knew about Nowaki's 'perfect and absolutely gorgeous' lover Kamijou Hiroki! They'd been introduced by Nowaki when Seiji was new at the hospital. He had gotten first-hand experience with that devil's temper when he had innocently hugged Nowaki while telling Kamijou-san about how they were such good friends now. The scars from the amount of punches he'd received were still visible on his body. Seriously, all he did was tell him he was getting along with his raven haired lover! There were times he wondered how such a calm, caring man like Nowaki can stand someone so…NOT calm and caring like Kamijou.
But Nowaki didn't share the same view as Seiji. One mention of his lover brought a small content smile to his face. Yes. There's nothing like coming home to his Hiro-san. This however caused Seiji to roll his eyes. Nowaki can be such a sap.
They were back in business mode when a nurse approached them with a clipboard in her hands. "Doctor Kusama, the father of your patient Sakura is here to pick her up. He would like to speak to you before he brings her home."
"Ah, that's no problem at all. Thank you," he said, taking the clipboard from the nurse who blushed at having such a handsome doctor be polite to her. "I'll see you later Seiji-san."
"See ya!" He waved as Nowaki made his way towards his patient's room. The nurse still hadn't left so he took the opportunity to place his arm around her shoulders. "You know you're extremely pretty! AND today is your lucky day beca- " Before he could finish his sentence, he got backhanded across his cheek and the nurse left with her nose stuck up in the air.
"Hmpf!" he heard her huff.
"Sheeeeeeshhh…" Seiji grumbled as he rubbed his sore cheek. "What is up with people and physically abusing me?"
"Nowaki-sensei!" The little girl exclaimed as she saw her favourite doctor enter. She was sitting in a large hospital bed and sitting next to her on the edge of it was her father. He stood and bowed to Nowaki and Nowaki did the same.
"Thank you Kusama-sensei for taking care of my Sakura."
The raven haired man waved it off with a kind smile. "It's been my pleasure Ken-san to take care of little Sakura." The little girl blushed happily at the comment.
Ken-san looked very grateful. "Sakura, my dear, can you wait outside for a second? Daddy wants to talk to the nice doctor for a bit."
"Aaawww…do I have to?" she pouted.
"Only for a little bit. I'll let you talk to Kusama-sensei again before we leave yea?"
"Okay!" With that, the child left the room, closing the door behind her. It was then that Nowaki waited for the man to speak.
"I can't…," Ken-san began as tears had welled up in his eyes. "I can't begin to thank you enough for helping my Sakura."
Nowaki empathized towards this man. Sakura has a severe case of asthma. He remembered clearly the day Ken-san ran into the hospital carrying his daughter in his arms. She was unconscious then, her breathing was laborious. It took a bit to stabilize her. What worried Nowaki now is that the cause of her asthma attacks was still unknown.
"Like I said Ken-san, it's been my pleasure. There's no need to thank me so much."
Ken-san nodded and looked away with tears still in his eyes. "You honestly don't understand…"
The young consultant cocked his head to the side, his expression confused. "What don't I understand Ken-san?"
The father of his patient sighed, then began to speak yet again. "You don't understand how it feels like to think that you'd lose someone important to you again."
Nowaki was silent. If talking would make this man feel better, then he was more than willing to listen.
"You see…my wife she…ummm…she passed away when she gave birth to Sakura."
His heart constricted for Ken-san. He could only imagine how distraught he must have felt…no actually he couldn't. Just the thought of losing his Hiro-san would make him go mad.
"I'm sorry for your loss." Those were the only words he could think of offering. Ken-san turned to face him yet again, and smiled despite the tears that were falling freely now.
"She always wanted a child you see…I was such a selfish bastard back then. All I wanted was just to work hard so that I can provide for her…not seeing that that wasn't really what she wanted. She wanted me to be with her, to start a family with her…to…"
He paused and Nowaki waited. For some odd reason, his heart was beating fast.
"So when she was actually pregnant, all she wanted was for me to stay by her side to take care of her and our daughter. But I didn't think that that was what she wanted. Since I was…the man of the house I should work harder so that when my daughter would come into this world, she'll have everything she'll ever want or need. And my wife would be happy…"
Ken-san was sobbing freely now. Nowaki felt a lump form in his throat.
"The day…the day she was in labour…I had a conference at Tokyo. We were staying in Kamakura you see so I couldn't go see her…I couldn't be there for her. They told me that she couldn't make it if they were to proceed with the delivery. She chose Sakura's life over hers. She didn't even stop to think that maybe I'd oppose to it…maybe…maybe she didn't think I care…"
"I…I couldn't look at my daughter for so long…it wasn't until my mother told me to take responsibility did I look at her. I noticed she has my wife's eyes…it was then that I knew I couldn't leave her side. Not like how I'd done with my wife…"
Ken-san looked Nowaki straight in the eye. "Still though…I can't help but think that I have been the one who robbed my wife of the family she wanted…I was never there for her…and I'm sure if I was, she would still be alive with our daughter…"
Nowaki gulped, trying to ease his tightened throat. "You shouldn't think such things Ken-san. I'm sure that's not what your wife would have wanted. And I'm sure that's not what Sakura would want her father to think."
The man laughed as he rubbed his tear streaked face with the back of his hand. "Sorry. I didn't mean to take your time."
"No, not at all."
"Still though…I can't help but think that I have been the one who robbed my wife of the family she wanted." Those words kept repeating itself in his head over and over again like a mantra. He wondered why he was so bothered by it. He was however momentarily distracted when he entered his apartment to see Hiro-san on the couch reading a book he got from the secondhand book shop. Nowaki shook his head…he had to admit to himself that sometimes, just sometimes he was jealous of how much books got Hiro-san's attention. His beloved didn't even notice he was back since he was so engrossed with his book.
Nowaki walked towards the man until he was just about two inches away from him. He placed both his hands on either sides of the couch, affectively trapping the brown haired man. Nowaki leaned in, his nose almost touching the book Hiro-san was reading and still his beloved did not notice his return.
Having no patience (since he really NEEDED Hiro-san to pay attention to him), he spoke quite close to the University professor's ear "Tadaima, Hiro-san."
The brown haired man jumped, dropping the book in the process and watched wide eyes at his intruder. Then, after realizing who it was, punched the doctor on his shoulder.
"Idiot don't scare me like that!" Hiroki shouted. He then blushed and mumbled. "Okaeri…"
Nowaki smiled even as he rubbed his sore shoulder. His Hiro-san was so, so, SO very cute…and he loved him SO much.
"I love you…" He brought his lips to his beloved Hiro-san's. At first, the prideful man tried to push back but as Nowaki pressed his lips even firmer against his lips, he stopped and moaned into the kiss.
"Hiro-san." Nowaki moved to kiss Hiroki's cheek. "Hiro-san." He then moved to his forehead. "Hiro-san…" He bent down to kiss his neck. Hiroki gasped, his hands immediately clasping on Nowaki's thick black hair.
"N-n-nowaki…n-not here. B-b-bedroom. P-p-please." He breathed. It was so embarrassing how he got worked up so quickly! You'd think that after being together for 13 years, would make him used to the attentions Nowaki gave him. Only it didn't…in fact it felt like a whole new experience every time they'd make love.
Nowaki licked his beloved's collarbone and got more aroused at the loud moan he gave. "I understand. We'll do it properly there later." He started to loosen the button's on Hiroki's shirt only to be pushed away promptly. He blinked, not understanding what he did wrong.
"I-i-idiot!" Hiroki gasped, his body's needs clouding his mind a little. Still, he was slightly annoyed. "Why do you always insist of doing it your way? Why can't we d-do i-it the way I want it?"
'Wait! What the f**k did I just say?' Hiroki was absolutely mortified! He not only inadvertently admitted he wanted to have sex with Nowaki, but he had also admitted that he wanted it his way! God, can it get any more embarrassing than this?
Nowaki stilled in his ministrations as Hiroki's fought through his embarrassment. Suddenly Ken-san's words came flooding back into his mind.
"Still though…I can't help but think that I have been the one who robbed my wife of the family she wanted."
The young consultant gulped. No…there's no way that he hadn't given his Hiro-san anything he could ever want. Besides he was here with him, giving him all the attention he deserves…so there couldn't possibly be…
When Hiroki finally got over his embarrassed mode, he immediately noticed Nowaki's stillness. "Hey, you alright?"
Nowaki blinked. "Sorry Hiro-san…" He gave a small peck on his beloved's lips which only made Hiroki blush and look away.
"Hiro-san…you…you're happy right?" the question was blurted out before Nowaki had a chance to think it through. It was Hiroki's turn to blink as he faced his lover once more.
"What's with the sudden question?"
"It…it's just that you…you never tell me whether you're really happy or not. With me."
Hiro-san's cheeks became so red that the redness of tomatoes would pale in comparison to them. "Wh-wh-what sort of question is that anyway?"
Nowaki gave a soft kiss to Hiroki's throat. "Do you have everything you want Hiro-san? Am I giving you everything you want? You know that if you want something, all you need to do is ask me and I'll do my utmost best to fulfill your wishes Hiro-san."
'Where was all of this coming from? It better not be coming from that moron Seiji!' Hiroki wondered. 'Nowaki you idiot! We've been together for 13 years and you still have no idea about how much you make me happy? About how much I just…can't live without you. Idiot…you're the only one and the only one I want.' But of course despite being together for so long, Hiroki still had problems telling Nowaki how he truly felt. Instead, he let his body do the talking. He shakily brought his hands to cup Nowaki's face and lowered his lover gently to give a soft kiss on the doctor's lips.
The doctor moaned into the kiss, completely forgetting his earlier questions as his mind was replaced completely by his desire to own this man.
Besides, somewhere in his unconscious mind, he understood what his Hiro-san meant.
It was his day off and Nowaki decided to do some spring cleaning…even if it wasn't spring. He vacuumed the living room, dusted the shelves, did the laundries…He wanted Hiro-san to come back to a beautiful and clean apartment. After two hours of cleaning, he was happy with the results…except for one little thing…the massive book shelves containing loads of Hiro-san's favourite books. He decided then that he'd dust it as well and perhaps maybe alphabetize them. He knew how organized Hiro-san liked things to be. And so the doctor in love proceeded to do just that. It felt like forever going through those books, and it did get annoying whenever he came across Usami-san's novels. Sure, he knew with absolute certainty now that Hiro-san didn't see his childhood friend that way anymore but it still irked him a little bit how precious these books are to him. Just as he was about to place one of Usami-san's novels in its right, alphabetized place on the shelf, a folded piece of paper slipped out of it. He picked it up and unfolded it to see what was inside…not to snoop around of course but to check to see if it was just a piece of trash Hiro-san forgot to throw. He was intrigued however, when he noticed Hiro-san's handwriting.
I've just finished reading your novel for the fifth time. You truly are a gifted author Bakahiko, there's no doubt about it. And yet, although I loved every line in the book, it saddened me just the same. The part where Hikari realizes that she loved Saiki after he kissed her…made me remember of our past together. I wonder if you remember…that day you kissed me to stop me from crying. Even as I was in denial, I knew then that I loved you.
Hikari reminds me of me so much. She is so prideful - she didn't even admit her pain as she watched Saiki marry another woman. And yet, I could tell she was angry at the fact that he had stolen her happily ever after. She could no longer look to the future and see herself beside the man she loved, to be able to start a family filled with love and care. Nothing. It's exactly how I feel about you now. I love you so much…and yet I hate you. You've robbed me of a happy future. As I write this I realize that so many of my childhood dreams cannot be realized. I do not see myself marrying a woman. I do not see myself having children. I do not see myself growing old with the one I love and telling my grandchildren stories of when I was young.
All the things I've ever wanted…gone now.
Nowaki's hands were shaking when he finished reading Hiro-san's words. He knew that this letter was old, with how flimsy and slightly brown the paper has gotten, so it wasn't really about Hiroki's love confessions to Usami-san (though really…if he were to see that eccentric novelist any time soon he might just inadvertently kill him for having dared kiss his Hiro-san)…it was just…his last words.
All the things I've ever wanted…gone now. Hiro-san wanted a family…something that was robbed by him the minute he found out he was gay…and now…does he still want a family? Was Nowaki preventing him from getting that? And if…and if that were the case does Hiro-san hate him then?
So many questions were running through his mind…and almost all of them were left unanswered. Hiro-san's happiness must come before his…but does that mean he has to let him go?
No, no, no there has to be some other way to give Hiro-san what he wanted! He knew he was being selfish but he didn't think he could survive without Hiro-san beside him. There must be another way! Hiro-san wants a family, Hiro-san wants a family, Hiro-san…
Wants a family.
And he will give him one.
He dialed a familiar number and waited for someone to answer.
"Yes, Kusama Orphanage speaking."
"Ah, yes this is Dr. Kusama Nowaki…"
"Kusama-sensei! It's always a pleasure to hear from you. How may I help you?"
"Well…I was wondering if you could book a session for me and my partner. .."
"…We are thinking of adopting."