This 'story' is a collection of oneshots written by a dedicated group of fans who will hereby be known as the Council of Crack. The oneshots are sniplets of our own crack pairrings. However, there will be a 'story' arc, written by Rubber LotusBasic premise is that we've gone meta, kidnapped half of 3-A, and now we're being hunted by Batman. This is going to be an on-going 'plot'. Lotus wanted to do something different.

Just who the hell do you think we are?

Zephyr Fiction


The thin body went swinging again. Screams and pleadings slipped from between the detained man's broken teeth. Deals. Threats. Promises of retribution.


The Batman's expressionless face remained unchanged as he let another haymaker fly into the Chinese-American lowlife. The cable that suspended the man about three feet from the asphalt glinted in the dim streetlight.

"They-they'll kill me if I squeal!" the voice wailed.

"I've got all the time in the world, Lotus, " the growl came out, a hundred times more potent than anything Jonathan Crane could have cooked up in his lab.

"Someone's gonna-"

"Who?" the shadowy figure challenged. "You're probably the only lowlife left in Chinatown."

A pause. The black-haired man silently cursed. Ever since that blond girl with the tan showed up... who the hell did she think she was, anyhow? Didn't look like any kind of Chinese he'd ever seen!

"Now, I'll say it politely one. More. Time."

Gloved fingers pressed themselves against the man's sweaty scalp.

"Two weeks ago, de Cheese, or "Bookworm", as he's calling himself now, escaped from Arkham. You've been shadowing him. Trying to join his mob for months. What. Is. He Up. To?"

"He- he made s-some kinda bargain w-with that Mage guy! And that new kid on the street! Anemone something? A couple other guys, too!"

The white slits in the Batman's mask narrowed a fraction of a degree.

"Th-Third! That third guy!"

"You're name-dropping, Lotus. I suppose Teeth is in on it, too?"

"H-heh. Read my mind, B-man!"



More silence.

"I have to go to the little criminal's room...!"

"So?" Jim Gordon asked his longtime ally and friend, the single lamp on his desk providing the only illumination.

"If Lotus was telling the truth, then it's bad. Very bad. Four of the area's top Crackfic Lords are working together on something."

"Is that even... possible?"

"They certainly have their egos, but they're nowhere near as bad as the Arkham inmates."

"Not even de Cheese?"

"Does the name "Warren White" ring a bell?"

"Point. Anyway, according to my intelligence reports, they're operating under some kind of honor system this time. Only people from the Negima area are allowed."

"It's dangerous to put too much faith into these things, but warn them first anyway."

"Right. Reminds me of the first time we dealt with Nygma. Banquet turned out to be bank- you're not there anymore, are you?"

Silence confirmed the commissioner's suspicions.

He'd known it was too late the second he saw the state that the district was in.

Half-destroyed giant mecha lying facedown in the street. Trees and streetlights uprooted. Dozens of women and men kissing one another. And a hundred more things that even the Joker would have been driven insane by.

He saw the boy standing in the town square, staff in his hands, a look of not dismay but simply weariness on his face. He did not know why it disturbed him so.

"Who did they take?"

"Asuna-san. Emily-san. Haruna-san. Chisame-san. Kotaro-kun. Satsuki-san. Makie-san. And Tsukuyomi-san."

"We'll find them before It happens, " the dark knight said, his voice softening a fraction of a degree. "I promise."

The boy didn't look one bit fooled. And neither did the Batman.

"It's worse than I thought, Jim."


"They've made their first move. In Adriane."

"The magic school?"

"The same. Neutral territory as far as the big fish are concerned. But it's only going to get worse from here on out."

"How bad was it?"

"Yuri. Maid outfits. Cat ears. More fourth-wall breaking than you can shake a stick at."

"Good god... It's Third, isn't it?"

The dark-knight detective made an affirmative grunt. "The entire area's already been tossed into chaos. Footage was leaked onto the web within five hours."

"Lemme guess. Both the empires are accusing the other of hiding those four."

"If any one of them gain a foothold in Adriane, the entire balance of powers could be upset."

"And the really big families haven't even made a move, " Gordon groaned. "The Sugar Cartel. de Cheese... and my men can't do a damn thing against the Cartel."

"Don't give up, Jim, " the vigilante assured the old cop. "Keep your men on the lookout for any leads on the other three."

"And you'll handling the Cartel?"

"In a way."

A second later, Jim Gordon was left alone in his dim-lit office, with nothing but old case files and a dartboard with a picture of a certain clown taped to it to keep him company.

Arkham Asylum. Twenty Minutes Later.

"You can't be serious."

"You have nothing to gain from refusing."

Bruce was already beginning to regret his course of action. True, he had Oracle and a dozen other expert hackers at his command, but none of them could match the insane genius of the Cracklords. Even if they worked together, he doubted that they could thwart their actions without going mad themselves.

But the Joker had no mind left to lose.

"What's this? Trying to gauge my actions like a - (dramatic gasp) - sane man?" the homicidal harlequin mocked. "Get outta here before I tear those ears off yer head and shishkebab ya with 'em!"

"Joker, you don't like them any more than I do."

"They give ya headaches from dusk 'til dawn, don't they? The enemy of my enemy is my less-enemy-y enemy. Simple as A-B-Z."

"... fine. I'll go ask Hasegawa instead. She always did know more about computers than you. She can probably jam the crackfics faster than you, too."

With that, the tall figure strode away from the cell, silently counting the seconds 'til-

"Ugh. Fine! But I've got three rules. One, no pixie boots or short-shorts. Two, keep me out of a Threesome with Hasegawa and her teacher if it kills ya!"

"And three?"

"I'll think of that later."

"I'll be back with the equipment in two hours."

"... you out it that way on purpose, didn't ya?"

The swishing of a cape was his only answer.

"Love ya too, Bats!"