A/N: Honestly, I have no idea where this came from. Normally I can tell where a story idea started, but this one . . . no idea. Anyways, I hope you like it. Leave a review if you do.
Ichimaru Gin's Guide to Harassing the Gotei Thirteen Captains
There are things you should do, and the things you really, really shouldn't. I'll admit, writing this book was amusin', but the group of angry Captains surrounding me right now made it kind of counterproductive. Ukitake was lookin' a' me all sad, Mini Taicho looked about ready t' kill me, Kuchiki looked jus' as constipated as usual. Thank god Yamamoto never 'eard 'bout this. Soi Feng 'ad 'er hand on the hilt o' 'er sword, Kyoraku was laughin so 'ard he was cryin', I couldn't see Komamura's dog face (hah, he thought 'e kept that a secret from me!), Tosen and Aizen had rolled their eyes and left, mutterin' bout hellish days to come, and Kurotsuchi had pulled a needle out from 'is sleeve. Kenpachi 'ad never shown up, 'e didn't give a shit if there was no fightin'.
Although, I 'ad a sneakin' suspicion there was gonna be some fighting.
Hitsugaya held up the book, and I realised he had been the one behind this. Damn! Next time I let Rangikou in on somethin' I need to make sure she doesn't tell 'er Captain. "Ichimaru." He said, "Why exactly are there copies of this, published though out the Soul Society."
I shrugged, "I dunno. Maybe someone's framin' me."
Soi Feng glared at me, "I don't think I have ever seen anything more likely to be written by you, Ichimaru-Taicho."
"Well, I didn't write it."
"Really?" said Kurotsuchi, "I'm sure I disagree. Hitsugaya-Taicho, if you would please."
The mini Taicho started reading outloud:
Ichimaru-Taicho's Guide 'T Drivin Yer Captains Insane (Or more insane fer some of 'em)
1. Make sure ya' have a good, fast shunpo.
I dunno if ye'v noticed this yet, but th' Captains are a lil' odd. They tend to be extremely touchy, an' they'll jump at ya for any lil' thing ya do. Not t'mention they're all extremely intelligent with vast amounts of power. If they decide to murder ya in yer sleep fer bein' a pain in the ass, there ain't anyone who's gonna be able to stop em', so ya better be able te run like hell.
2. If, at any point, ya hear th' word 'Bankai' then yer doomed. Know yer limits so it don't ever go that far.
As was previously stated, th' Captains are powerful. Their Bankai range from freezin' ya solid, to burnin' ya till yer nothin' but ash, to poisonin' ya with a giant baby. They all have particular lil' pet peeves that'll make 'em ragin' mad. Now, pokin' fun at these lil' peeves is what ya wanna do, but know the warning signs. I'll tell ya all them later, but I shouldn't really 'ave to since for the most part they're blindingly obvious.
3. Know th' Lieutenants.
There are two types of Lieutenants in th' Seiritei- those who'll give ya a hand, and those who'll stab ya for insubordination. Know th' difference. Havin' a Lieutenant's aid 'll mean the difference b'tween life 'n death for ya. Most Captains jus' ignore whatever shit their Lieutenants do, and if ya have one on yer side they'll normally let ya throw 'em under th' bus fer yerself in exchange for getting the credit for the prank. Some Lieutenants only pull pranks on certain Captains, fer example, no one's gonna help ya pull a prank on good 'ole Captain Ukitake (no idea why you'd wanna do that anyways), here's a list to make it easier:
- Yamamoto's Lieutenant (I c'n never remember 'is name) he's never gonna help ya with anything. If yer goin' to that old stick then you ain't got the sense of self-preservation necessary 't prank a Taicho. Cease all attempts, yer doomed for failure.
-Omaeda. He's great if ya wanna sneak top secret information from 'im. That man'll talk about anythin' if ya bribe 'im right. Apart from that though, it's best t' stay away from 'im.
-Kira. Keep yer hands off o' my Lieutenant. I'm the only one who get's ta manipulate 'im. That bein said, I'll let ya borrow 'im if ya let me in on th' joke.
-Isane. She's a scardy cat, but she'll help ya iffin ya bully her inta it. That bein' said, she's shy as hell 'an you'll 'ave to be careful what ya tell 'er to do. Also, 'er Taicho is scary as ever. She's the only one who creeps people out more than me.
-Lil' Momo. She's a sweetheart, so she probably won't help ya prank anyone. Also, be warned, if ya get her inta any trouble at all then the mini Taicho 'll kill you. Really, kid froze my arm solid once for takin' a shot at her (that, by th' way, is the typical behaviour of any irritated Captain. Be warned, 't only gets worse from there).
-Renjii. He's a good one. He'll help ya with anythin' as long as it sounds fun.
-Iba. Eh, he's okay, if yer desperate. Make sure ya promise to get 'im some sake and you'll be fine.
-Nanao. It depends on the mood she's in, but I wouldn't go to 'er. She'll wack ya in the head with a really big, really heavy book and tell ya t' get lost.
-Hisagi. Once again, depends on his mood. Normally he's a pretty serious guy tho', so he's likely to say no.
-Matsumoto. She's a great one, she'll help ya with anythin'. I'm gonna warn ya though, iffin ya hurt 'er at all, then you'll 'ave me and th' mini Taicho out fer yer blood
-The Eleventh Squad in General, their seatin's a little scewed, but anyone over fifth seat is great t' 'ave on yer side. They're all crazy as hell, so they'll do whatever ya tell em as long as it's dangerous.
-Nemu. She's okay, but if ya go anywhere near 'er father and th' squad Twelve barracks yer signin' yerself up fer explerimentation.
-The Thirteenth Squad is normally too busy helpin' Ukitake, don' even bother 'less it's beneficial t' their Captain.
4. Have a backup plan.
Captains are notoriously intelligent an' all that jazz, so if they catch ya sneakin around their office, you'd better have damn good excuse fer bein' there or they'll kill ya. They can smell lies like crazy, and iffin yer plan is even a lil' bit shaky they'll catch ya. This goes double for the genius-touchy Captains, mainly Soi Feng.
5. Get th' support of another Captain, if ya can.
They'll take it more light if it's comin' from one o' their peers as opposed to one of their subordinates. An' when I say subordinate, I mean subordinate. Captains 'ave complete control over their divisions, so be careful out there. If they catch ya, yer screwed an' sayin' 'Ichimaru Gin told me to do it 'll just make 'em kill ya faster'. None of 'em trust me for some reason.
Couldn't imagine why.
6. 'Criminals' are actually helpful.
Th' sad fact is, is our Captains are a corrupt lot. They trust people like Urahara Kisuke and Yoruichi Shihoin, even though the two of 'em 'ave been exiled. 'Cause of that, no one 'cept Central 45 . . . 46 . . . somethin' like that (it's not like anyone gives a shit wha' they say anymore) will care if ya talk to 'em. Get their help, they both love a good prank and they're both extremely manipulative an' intelligent.
7. Know the Targets.
It's especially important to know yer prey an' their habits. Not tha' Captains 'ave very many habits, they're a pretty insane an' erratic bunch. But still, know 'em to th' best of yer ablilities an' be prepared fer th' unexpected. They all 'av particular quirks too. Since I'm a nice fellow, I'm going to list a danger rating and a fun rating fer each 'o the Captains. Tha' should help ya out. I'll also list all their quirks fer ya. Here ya go:
Danger Rating: Very, very, very risky
Fun Rating: Excellent, mass pranks are awesome
-if anyone starts glowin' then run, cause that means said person is about to go Shikai on yer ass
-be careful if they start shooting ya glances while talkin' t' eachother. It means they're on t' ya.
Danger Rating: Suicidal.
Fun Rating: No idea. Not even I'm that stupid.
Other: Don't even try it. Really, yer dead in seconds. There's a reason he's in charge. He's ruthless, an' if ya screw with 'im he'll execute ya fer insubordination. Not 't mention he's surrounded by Guards, Stealth Force Members and Captains at all times 'o th' day. He's untouchable, accept it an' move on.
Danger Rating: Slightly Suicidal.
Fun Rating: Hilarious, iffin ya do it right.
-mentioning Yoruichi Shihoin or black cats will get you killed
-she hates her Lieutenant, throw him under the bus iffin ya get caught
-she's the head of the stealth force, she doesn't need to go bankai, if she even draws 'er sword you'll be surrounded by meanie ninjas
-she's sneaky as hell, fear retaliation
-she has intense anger management issues, which makes it really funny if ya do it right, really painful if ya do it wrong
-fer her, th' danger signs are pretty simple, she'll clench 'er fists and begin glaring at ya. Then she'll finger th' hilt 'o her sword. Then she'll kill ya. If ya ever here th' words 'sting all enemies t' death,' then you've gone too far
Don't even think about it.
Danger Rating: worse than Yamamoto's
Fun Rating: Not at all, she's so scary you spend the entire time looking over your shoulder.
Other: I wouldn't risk it if I were you. She's older than everyone, an' ten times scarier.
Danger Rating: None
Fun Rating: Slight Enjoyment
Other: To tell ya th' truth, Aizen-Sama . . . I mean, Aizen-Taicho . . . he's kinda borin. He doesn't get angry easily, an' he'll forgive pretty much everythin' ya do. Really, it's not worth th' trouble.
Danger Rating: High
Fun Rating: High
-all 'e cares about is 'is pride, shatter that an' you'll win
- 'is house is riddled with tunnels, thanks t' Yachiru. Get a map from the SWA
-that bein' said, he once tried to murder his own sister for pride, don't think 'e 'as any qualms 'bout goin' fer you
-go fer 'im at th' office, not at 'is mansion. He's got bodyguards there
-recruit Renjii Abari, that boy hates 'is guts
-look out fer his sister, while I terrify her, you don't and she's a violent little thing
-if you ever hear him say 'scatter' then run like hell. They may look like flower petals, but they are not flower petals.
Danger Rating: Average
Fun Rating: Average
-I find it amusin' t' try an' knock 'is helmet off in public, but that's 'bout it
Danger Rating: Average
Fun Rating: Average
-he's a very easygoing person, there ain't much ya can do t' make 'im mad at ya
-hiding 'is sake works, though, an' givi' 'im piles o' false paperwork
-also, a warnin', the guy is a hell o' a lot smarter than 'e looks
Danger Rating: Average
Fun Rating: Average
-he's blind, so doin' somethin' like dyin' 'is haori pink is funny 'cause he'll never be able t' tell
-he believes in a 'path of true justice', so doing anything to belittle that''' get him goin'
Danger Rating: Very High
Fun Rating: Very High
Ah, were d' I begin? Mini Taicho is one o' my favorite victims. But the risk are pretty high, yet th' rewards 'r great, here's some stuff about 'im,
-while ya may think prankin' Hinamori t' get at 'im is funny, it'll only get ya killed
-insulting 'is height, age, hair, eyes, looks, or anything pertainin' to that'll get ya some nice results
-dress warmly, or you'll end up with frostbite
-for those of ya who know shunpo, ya know escpain inta th' skies and going too high fer anyone t' see you is normally a good idea, however, not wit' this kid. When he says 'Reign over the frosted heavens' he means that literally. Ya step foot in the sky, ya step foot on his turf, and yer screwed.
-speaking of release commands, if he says the aforementioned words, yer screwed
-don't screw with 'is paperwork, he's overworked 'cause Ran-chan can't work worth a shit (not that I don' love 'er anyways)
-if there's a sudden freak blizzard, and ya may 've done somethin' to piss 'im off, then start runnin'. We don't get any freak blizzards in the Soul Society unless someone's havin' a hissy fit
-never, ever under any condition try t' take Hyorinmaru away from 'im. Apparently Central 4-somethin' themselves tried t' do it, and in case ya hadn't noticed, he's still got 'is pet dragon
-kido doesn't work on 'im, it just turns to ice when it touches 'im
Danger Rating: insanely high
Fun rating: decent
-he's very, very easy t' prank, just make sure he doesn't see ya or else yer a goner since e'll fight ya
-look out fer 'is Lieutenant. She looks innocent. She ain't.
-in fact, th' entire eleventh division are savages. Avoid 'em at all costs.
Danger Rating: Varies depending on what type of experiment 'e'll perfrom on ya
Fun Rating: High
-frankly, I wouldn't recommend goin' near squad twelve. They'll turn you into something I'm not allowed t' know 'bout
-that bein' said, Kurotsuchi Mayuri is crazy as 'ell, so prankin' im is always fun al 'ell
Ukitake Juuyshiro- I'm not gonna help you on this one, I don't pull pranks on 'im. E's too nice. I always feel bad. Prank Rukia, I think I've almost got 'er close 't snappin'.
There ya go. A note on all Captains, I've said this already, but I'll say it again.
If they start 't glow, run like hell.
8. Learn all th' good hidin' places.
I'll help ya out and tell ya a few, but I ain't gonna tell ya all th' good ones.
-injure yerself an' go t' th' fourth. Trust me, it's better than what they'll do if they catch ya.
-storage rooms, if yer good at maskin' yer reiatsu
-their own divison, they never think t' look for ya there
-if yer really desperate, head fer Rukangai, th' Soul Society's a really big place
9. Learn kido, particularly th' bindin' spells.
Kido is helpful both in the pranks, and in restraining the insanely furious Captains when yer done with 'em. However, be careful, since most Captains are masters at the spells. And masters at breakin' em.
10. Have fun, for some odd reason they're less likely to kill ya if yer laughin than if yer beggin fer mercy.
Don't ask me, I don't know why. It's just a lil' somethin' I noticed.
Hitsugaya closed the book with a snap, "So I'm an irritable mini Captain with anger management issues." 'Is voice was icy as hell. I gulped, "Although, I'll admit some parts of it were true. How about we test that release command idea?" he reached back for 'is sword, but Soi Feng stopped 'im.
"Not here." She said when he shot 'er a betrayed look, I let out a breath of relief, but then she said, "We chase him out of the Seiritei, and then we'll kill him. All in favour?"
The group of the eight most powerful people in the universe nodded their agreement.
I took my own advice and started running.
Hopefully if I kept going for a week they would get bored and leave me alone, or maybe someone else would try and take over the world.
Maybe I should just let Aizen-sama use his Zanpakuto on them all 't save my ass.