Title: The Behavioral Analysis Mutiny
Fandom: Criminal Minds/The Big Bang Theory
Characters/Pairing: Sheldon Cooper, BAU - gen
Summary: AU. Gideon recruited a different genius to the BAU, and nobody is particularly happy about it.
'What's his problem now?' Morgan asked, looking towards the young man that was, for lack of a better word, sulking by the whiteboard.
Emily rolled her eyes. 'Apparently his sandwich was in the wrong order,' she said, exasperated. 'He likes the cheese underneath the lettuce.'
'You're kidding me.' Morgan shook his head. 'We've got a sexual sadist on the loose, and the kid's worried about his sandwich? I think Gideon's lost the plot.'
'Did he ever have the plot?'
Before Boston, is the unspoken answer.
'Guy's got an IQ of 187, has an eidetic memory and can probably run circles around freaking Einstein, but he can't deal with lettuce touching his bread?'
'Not to mention mysophobic, hypochondriac, unable to comprehend sarcasm...need I continue?'
Sheldon looked up, apparently only just noticing their presence in the doorway. He waved them over with what could have been interpreted as enthusiasm.
'Here we go,' Emily muttered. 'What is it, Sheldon?' At this point, she was used to referring to her colleagues by their surnames, but that was something that Sheldon did not permit unless it was preceded by Doctor.
'I believe I've discovered a connection between the victims that your technical analyst failed to notice.' It was always your technical analyst, instead of "Garcia" as though he was trying to distance himself from the team. Given what they'd learnt so far, it was completely unsurprising.
'If there's a connection, there's no way Garcia would have missed it,' Morgan argued.
'Yes, I thought you might say that. Given your less than professional relationship, it stands to reason that you would "have her back" so to speak when confronted with evidence of her subpar information gathering techniques.'
'Show me what you have,' Emily interjected, before Morgan could do something overly dramatic, like draw his weapon and shoot Sheldon in the foot.
'And run the risk of you sharing credit for my discovery?' Sheldon scoffed. 'I think not. Perhaps you should fetch Agents Gideon and Hotchner, so I can gain the respect that I deserve.'
Emily rolled her eyes at Morgan, who had a look of utter disbelief on his face. 'Come on,' she said. 'Let's leave Mister Cooper to his work.' Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the indignation on Sheldon's face as they left the room.
'Can you believe that guy?' Morgan seethed, as soon as they were out of hearing range. 'His first case, and he thinks he's a freaking expert. Guy has a Ph. D in Theoretical Physics – why the hell would someone recruit him for the BAU?'
'Well, he has an eidetic memory,' Emily said, and it had sounded a lot less weak in her mind. 'The question is, why would he want to join the BAU?'
They found Hotch, Gideon and JJ in close proximity to the coffee machine, which went a long way in showing just how bad the case was. Coffee meant sleepless nights. Of course, Sheldon had insisted on returning to his motel room for a full eight hours sleep.
'Doctor Cooper has a discovery he'd like to share with us,' Emily said, fully aware of the condescending tone that her voice had taken on.
Hotch frowned. 'Is there a problem, Prentiss?'
'The problem is, he's a complete douchebag,' Morgan answered, without even the slightest hint of subtlety. 'He has absolutely no respect for any of us, regardless of our experience, and he seems to think that just because he has a high IQ, that makes him a better person.'
Hotch gave Gideon a look.
'He does have some…social awkwardness,' Gideon conceded.
'Social awkwardness?' Emily asked, exasperated. 'Saying he has social awkwardness is like saying that World War II was a "slight scuffle."'
'I'll talk to him,' Hotch said, a silent sigh evident in his voice. Emily wondered whether this was the adult equivalent of calling Mom in the middle of a sibling rivalry. Probably not, considering their success as a team relied on not wanting to kill each other.
Still, it was with a sense of meekness that she followed the rest of the team – minus Sheldon – back to the conference room. He was standing at the whiteboard, pen in hand, and adjusting what looked like a complicated math equation.
'Finally,' he said, as Hotch entered. 'I was beginning to think that you'd fallen into a ditch and died.' There was a beat of silence. 'That was a joke.' Another beat. 'I'm still working on it.'
'You have something?' Gideon asked.
'Yes, I wrote a formula to determine levels of connectedness, or degrees of separation, between the victims. Based on these characteristics, I believe I have narrowed down the possibilities as to who the next victim might be. After I discovered that all of our victims' addresses contained prime numbers, it was quite simple.' He stared at them. 'Simple for me, that is. I don't doubt that the technical explanation would be beyond all of you.'
Emily could almost hear Hotch snap.
'Doctor Cooper, could I have a word with you outside, please?' Hotch kept his voice even, though deep down he could feel the anger rising.
Admittedly, his exposure to the new agent had been limited. Sheldon Cooper had spent most of his time in the conference room, going over victimology. There was apparently a reason he didn't actually leave the police station.
'You need to start treating my team with more respect, Agent Cooper,' he said. Gideon had suggested that they address him as "Doctor" to prevent the local police from underestimating him, but quite frankly, Cooper was so arrogant that they seemed to be having different problems altogether.
'I'm sorry, I was led to believe that the Behavioral Analysis Unit was a place for those of unusually high intelligence to engage in observation of criminal and psychological behavior. Thus far, I haven't met anyone with an IQ over 140.'
'You're out of line.' Hotch's voice was dangerously low. He wasn't unaware of the stories they told about his so-called "Hotchalanches." In this case, he was almost completely sure that it was justified. 'Just because Agent Gideon brought you into the Behavioral Analysis Unit doesn't mean you have the right to insult your superiors at every available opportunity. If this behavior continues, then I have no qualms in saying that you will be out of this unit, no matter what your IQ is.'
Sheldon looked stunned, and Hotch briefly wondered whether anyone had ever even spoken to him that way.
Maybe it wasn't completely hopeless.
'I don't believe it,' Morgan said flatly. 'Tell me I'm dreaming, Prentiss.'
Emily rolled her eyes. 'You're not dreaming.'
'So Mr. Fantastic there actually used an equation to help us track down a serial killer, and it worked?'
'Actually, I prefer to liken myself to Batman,' Sheldon said, giving Morgan a look. 'The comparison is even more apt, now that I have used my skills to solve crime.'
Emily tried to think of some response, but she had absolutely no words for the situation. Neither, it seemed, did Morgan, except to say, 'So I guess you've got someone else to invite to those Sci-Fi movie marathons you keep having with Garcia.'
'Do not even joke about that,' Emily muttered, watching as Sheldon walked to the back of the jet. It was the same seat that he'd refused to move from on the journey to Pasadena, informing them that it was the "least objectionable seat on the plane" and that henceforth, none of them would be allowed to sit there.
She sighed, settling into the seat across from Morgan.
'Well, I guess he's staying.'