A/N:I'm sorry, but somehow I can only see their relationship in this way. According to my headcanon (the many of them that there are) there's making up somewhere along the road and it turns into something else, but for now… For now there is this. As requested by a friend over at LiveJournal.
Disclaimer: Studio Sunrise and all associated companies are the rightful owners of the Code Geass universe. No copyright infringement intended and no money is being made out of this. Please support the creators by buying the official work whenever possible.
Warnings: smut. Dubious consent, which, apparently, is all the rage these days, but I refuse to masquerade it as true love.
Cruelty Has Many Faces
When Suzaku entered the showers, he found Lelouch already there, washing his hair. Quite reflexively, and because his back was turned on him, Suzaku's fists clenched. Lelouch. His childhood friend. The Britannian who didn't shun him. Zero. Murderer. For a moment, Suzaku lost himself and strode over to the stall where Lelouch stood and began to turn, having noticed that he wasn't alone in the room anymore. Uncontrollable hatred burned in Suzaku's eyes and he had to hide it, conceal it, make sure that Lelouch never remembered the past his father had erased.
Suzaku shoved himself at Lelouch before the other man could notice his contorted facial expression.
They stumbled backwards and Lelouch hit the wall with Suzaku pinning him against it.
"I'm happy to see you too," Lelouch laughed, shaking his wet hair out of his eyes and glancing at Suzaku who was currently bracing himself against the wall. He noticed the strained expression on his friend's face, as well as his slightly laboured breathing.
"Don't move," Suzaku growled when he felt him shifting, and pressed him harder against the wall. He couldn't face him, not yet.
"What are you doing, Suzaku?" Lelouch inquired calmly, one eyebrow rising, as he continued to gaze at his friend sidelong.
Trying not to kill you, Suzaku supposed, was not the right answer right now. Two naked boys. A shower stall. An awkward position. What was he doing? Suzaku shook his head. The obvious answer was…
Was Suzaku beginning to suspect him? Lelouch wondered frantically. Had he somehow made him understand that he had remembered everything? Or could Suzaku no longer control his anger?
"Did you want to take a shower with me?" Lelouch teased, brushing a few locks of messy brown hair behind Suzaku's ear and felt him freeze up at the contact. "As sudden as that is…"
Hands of a murderer. Voice of a murderer. And he had never even suspected anything! Suzaku found Lelouch's hands, gripped his wrists and slammed them against the wall, keeping them there.
"Suzaku," Lelouch's voice became cautious, finally changing. They couldn't stay here under the running water in this position forever. Somebody could walk in on them. Somebody could have already walked in on them, but they had been lucky so far. He tried to pull himself free once more. "What's wrong?"
You are wrong, Suzaku's tongue itched to say, but didn't. Couldn't.
"I told you not to move," he snapped, belated as it was, because it was quite clear that Lelouch did not intend to humour him on such a request, and all the struggling and moving around had caused an unexpected reaction and another problem for Suzaku. He groaned. Why was it that everything insisted on working against him? For a moment he hoped that Lelouch wouldn't notice and that he would manage to come up with a very good reason, any reason, actually, and this wouldn't be happening.
Lelouch noticed, and his quiet and understanding, "Oh," was the most mortifying sound Suzaku had ever heard. Another card to play, another lever to pull for Lelouch. Another pawn to use. Suzaku hated himself at that moment.
"Would you like me to help you with that?" Lelouch offered quietly after a moment of hesitation, his head resting back against the wall and his eyes turning to the ceiling to give Suzaku more privacy.
Suzaku was a lot of things at that moment: angry, frustrated, humiliated, but he couldn't run. Not right now. Not from this situation. Not from Lelouch. He couldn't forget his hatred. He couldn't forget that his best friend was a soulless murderer. He saw only one way out.
"Turn around," Suzaku rasped, pulling and shoving, and making sure that his face wouldn't be seen. He wanted to hurt him; he wanted to hurt himself, but his gaze was already searching around for something to ease the – he stumbled around the right term in his mind and swallowed – process. He couldn't do or say anything that would trigger Lelouch's memories.
Shower gel. Just as well, he decided and reached for the bottle and positioning himself so that his back would get all the running water while Lelouch got only stray droplets. He could have turned the shower off, but it was a good disguise for the sounds they were about to make. Just thinking about it made Suzaku's cheeks burn and his gut twist in disgust. This wasn't supposed to happen. Suzaku found that he was trembling and he hated every moment of it, from the point where his soapy fingers touched Lelouch and he flinched, just a little, to the moment when his fingers slid into him slowly and carefully and he felt Lelouch relax and give in, to when he steeled himself and resolved to make it as quick and painless as he could. Lelouch didn't say another word while Suzaku worked, concentrating on his breathing, keeping it slow and steady. He had offered to help, after all, and he only allowed himself one pained hiss when Suzaku replaced his fingers with something bigger, and then forbid himself from making any more sounds, accepting everything that was happening exactly for what it was. He relaxed, pushed back, but stray moans still escaped his lips, no matter how he tried to bite them back. Steadying himself against the wall, Lelouch saw no betrayal when his body actually responded. He thought it was all the better; it made things more realistic.
"Could you, please," Lelouch begged breathlessly and Suzaku understood what was being asked of him.
Reluctantly, he moved in closer to Lelouch and reached around to his front. He hated it, loathed every moment of it, but complied. His touch tore another moan from Lelouch and Suzaku shuddered. He struggled with the rhythm, unused to the odd coordination, but Lelouch didn't complain. His hips moved jerkily in response to the touch and Suzaku's breathing seemed too loud for his own ears.
Suzaku came first and continued to move on inertia until Lelouch slumped against the wall. His words fell like gunshots in the unnatural silence which even the running water couldn't overpower.
"I seem to suffer from a memory loss."
Suzaku stiffened immediately. This was it. He would have to kill him, after all. And he would have to do it now. Right here.
"Since when are we an issue?" Lelouch turned his face towards him, a small amused smile on his lips.
Lelouch didn't remember. Good. Let it stay that way. Suzaku recovered for a moment only to fall back in deeper when he realised what lay behind that question. He opened his mouth for an answer, already hating the words which were to come out, but unable to choose any others.
"Since… since now."
Lelouch laughed and pushed wet hair out of his eyes, turning around to face him properly, but Suzaku was keeping his head down to avoid his gaze.
"I suppose. We've been friends for so long and I never even noticed. Though," he glanced at Suzaku in amusement which turned into mockery within an instant, certain that it wouldn't be seen. "Usually one is supposed to confess verbally at first, not physically."
Suzaku stood there, letting the running water beat down on his head, as if hoping that it would wash everything down the drain. Lelouch reached out and turned the water off. He pushed himself away from the wall and took a step forward to lay his head on Suzaku's shoulder, letting his lips brush against his neck.
"But you were always a man of actions, not words. And I don't mind that."
Atr that moment the both of them were sure of one thing – they would repeat it. Suzaku ran his hand through Lelouch's wet hair, barely suppressing the urge to strangle him right then and there, and muttered some sort of relieved agreement, making Lelouch chuckle and press his lips against his shoulder. Lelouch could have laughed in glee at this newfound lever, at this newfound power, but he didn't. Right now he needed to console his poor torn-up lover. Triumph could wait until he was all alone again.