A/N: This one goes out to my sister from another mister, bbop11rocks! It's for her birthday and I love her so much! She's my bestest friend in the whole world. This one goes out to her. Happy birthday, mi chica!
Disclaimer: Do not own anything at all.
To bbop11rocks, Love James
"Do I have to?" whined James, pouting out his lower lip as far as it would go. "I don't want to..."
"James," hissed Logan under his breath before smacking his forehead, "just do it. It's the girl's birthday fir crying out loud and she's totally in love with you." He held the video camera in one hand while the other was pressed to his pulsing temple. "You could at least send her a video of something like a date."
"A video date?" One of James's eyebrows raised questioningly.
Logan just nodded.
"So I have to date the video camera that has my face on the screen?"
Logan nodded again. Then it set in what James was getting at. "Wait, James-"
But he was already snatching the camera from Logan and running off to go on a date with himself. Sort of. Well, it was for a girl's birthday. And Logan said the chick was hot, so who was James to refuse?
The first thing James did was sit in the pool with the camera pointed at himself. "Hey there, bbop. It's James Diamond here. I heard you love me so I decided to video myself going on a date with this camera for you." He flashed a big, sparkling smile at the camera. "You love it, right? Right!"
James splashed water all over his washboard of abs. He had something like a bazillion pack. It glimmered in the nearly blinding sunlight.
"So I love myself," he said to the camera as he pulled on some sexy sunglasses. "And hockey. I love hockey. But maybe not as much as I love myself." He was quiet for a few moments. "Have I told you how gorgeous I am?" he asked. Then laughed. "Oh right, you can see me."
It was a few seconds later and he was drying off with a towel, carrying the camera around. "So this is where I live with my boys. They're all in hiding right now, but this is Logan's camera." The view kept walking down the hall and James stuck his face right up into the camera. His gorgeous hair hung perfectly across his face. "But why does Logan matter?"
James ducked into the apartment that he shared with Kendall's family and the rest of the band. "Uno momento." He ducked into the bedroom he used and began to change, barely remembering to close the door behind him. He brought the camera with, which sort of defeated the purpose of closing the door.
Minutes later, he was stalking across the park to a nice picnic spot that had people there minutes ago until he used his hockey stick to slap shot a beehive right at the basket. Lucky enough for him, the bees vanished with the people. So he plopped himself down on the blanket and took off his shirt, abs still gleaming in the sunshine. He laid himself out in full view of the camera.
"It's a nice day," he commented, almost forgetting that he was talking to a camera. It was starting to feel natural. "You wanna watch the clouds?" He looked to his side to see the camera's lens just staring at him. It wasn't going to answer. "Alright, so we're going to watch the clouds, cool? Cool."
James reached for the camera and held it up to point at the sky. "That one looks like a giraffe with a Viking hat on." He directed one finger at a particular cloud that did happen to look like a giraffe wearing a Viking hat. "And that one looks like a hippo on a scooter!" James pointed to the sky a but more eagerly.
It went on for another hour. "A snake wearing a gray-striped hoodie!" "A hobo brushing his teeth!" "A naked hot chick!" "A fully clothed stripper!" "A unicorn!"
Then the camera started to beep.
James blinked and hit it a couple of times and it continued to steadily beep. He looked at the screen. Low battery. A small girlish shriek erupted from James and he burst up from the picnic he had ruined and ran for his life back towards the Palmwoods hotel in hopes to save the camera before it died. He didn't want to lose the first date who would actually listen to him when he was being so horribly self-centered.
His glistening chest pumped air in and out of his lungs as fast as it could. His muscled arms shone in the noon light that flooded down from the heavens above. He just wanted to save the girl he loved...
"Okay," he huffed as he crashed in a chair later. His breathing was ridiculously heavy. "I managed to dig through all of Logan's personal belongings, including his tighty-whiteys and diary, to find the charger to the video camera. So you're saved, bbop!"
He hugged the camera tightly into his broad, muscular chest, careful to make sure he didn't pull the charger out of the wall. He didn't want his video girlfriend to die. He liked her. She listened. And she was hot, according to Logan.
"So, how about we look at my headshots?" He flipped his perfect hair out of his gorgeous eyes that seemed to glow with sexiness. "I have like five billion for you." He stared off into the distance for a few seconds. "That, and I can't really take you anywhere else really cool until the camera charges again. Stupid electronics with all their stupid limitations and batteries..."
He pulled out a huge stack of headshots. "Hot bad boy James or songwriter James?" He held up the two pictures to the camera side-by-side before holding them each individually up closer to the lens to let the camera get it with more detail. Then he admired them both for himself. "I have to say songwriter. More innocent and sweet. Aren't songwriters always heartthrobs in the chick world?"
He picked two more from the stack. "Superman James or Captain America James?" He held up two images of him looking sexy in each costume. "Take your pick, either one. I always look hot in spandex, don't I?"
The next two were of him as Batman and Robin. He preferred Robin because the mask covered less of his flowing brown hair.
"Asian James or James in bed without a shirt on?" It only took his two seconds to throw aside the one of him looking Asian. "Yeah, I liked myself better shirtless too. Shows off these abs and the guns and all these gorgeous muscles I have."
It was two hours later and he finally stopped with the headshots. James pulled the camera off the charger and moved down the stairwell to the poolside area again to flaunt his flawless body again. "You know what?" he said, still talking to the camera like it was an actual person, "I think I may be in love with you, bbop. I know it's only been one date, but I'm having so much fun. I mean, it's so fun to hang out with someone who loves me as much as I do."
"You know what we should do?" he asked as if the device in his hand would actually give an answer. "We should run off to Vegas together. It sounds like fun, right? I would love to go to Vegas with you, bbop. We could get hitched by an Elvis. But I do have one rule." He looked seriously into the camera. "The Elvis who marries us is not allowed to be sexier than me. Deal?" He nodded curtly. "Deal."
James pulled off his shirt again and let his finely toned chest shine in the sunlight as he dropped himself into the pool after setting the camera on a table that would have a perfect view of him and would still be in range of his voice. "So I do like five hundred push-ups a day to get all this ka-pow on my body. It's really sexy, right? I am the definition of sexy. Don't forget it."
Logan, Carlos and Kendall happened to be sitting on the opposite side of the pool. Each was sipping on some sort of tropical drink while half-listening to James's monologue to the camera about how much he worked out each day to be dubbed "Captain Sexy of the Year" by none other than himself.
"How long's he been doing that?" asked Carlos, glancing over to the group's nerd.
"I gave him the camera at nine this morning and it's almost seven o' clock." Logan drank some of his pineapple juice out of the cup he held.
"Wow," commented Kendall, looking at his older friend who was in the pool with somewhat worried eyes. "That's... not weird at all..."
Logan smirked quietly. "So, when do you guys think I should tell him it's not recording?"
Both boys fell off of their lounge chairs, laughing until Kendall couldn't breathe and Carlos's pants were soaked with pee.
A/N: Hope you liked it, mi chica. If you didn't, I be sad. Anyone else, feel free to review!