Chapter 2: In Which Jess Hopes All Guys Aren't Pervs Like Charlie

If you don't want to know what Anthony is thinking, skip down to the non-bold text. Honestly, I wonder why I'm letting you all inside his head. Sometimes it scares me. But this is a comedy. Except this chapter's ... kinda ... like nothing I would write. Aw, just read it, already.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original plot elements are the property of Jess Molly. The weird bits are Anthony's fault. The authors are in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.

A brief interview follows in which jmolly attempts to decipher the male brain. At least Anthony's male brain. They've been married over 17 years, ya know. And together 2 years before that. And neither one of them is dead yet. And they have 4 kids, age 7 to 15. So they're good, and that's saying something. Ahem:

J: So my readers think either you or Charlie have issues. After this lemon, I reeeally wonder. (-.o)

A: You know I love you, and Charlie is not in love. Charlie does have issues. He's gone possibly 15 years without having a skin-to-skin relationship with anybody, as far as we know. And likely, in reality, he should have hair on his palms or be near blind from all the excessive masturbation. Likely, he is severely nearing the brink of Male Prison Syndrome.

J: You're such a guy. What's that? (o.o)

A: Willing to fuck anything that moves, and is warm: man, woman, or beast.

J: Better give him an acceptable outlet before he accosts someone that he really shouldn't be accosting. Like Edward or Leah. You do realize that he is going to marry Sue, who is Leah's mother, at New Years of 2006? Which is only 6 months away? And the poor lady has been bringing him casseroles and cleaning his house for 4 months before this chapter takes place?

A: He's barely aware of his attraction to Sue. It goes back to the fact, having gone so long without sex, in falling in love with Sue, if the daughter raises any of those similar feelings that he has for Sue (who is his best friend's widow) be it in her appearance, character, mannerism or wit, an attraction in fantasy would be understandable. In real life, there will be countless true instances where a woman is sexually attracted to her future husband's son from a former relationship.

J: Name an example. (O.o)

A: Older brides-to-be are attracted to their groom's sons. Read porn sometime. The cougars are always fucking their stepsons.

J: Squicky. Speaking of squicky, Charlie is perving on Edward? Ew.

A: He's so desperate to fuck something, the holes in the trees are starting to look good. Ordinarily, this would be taboo considering his morals and preferences.

J: I think you just like humiliating Edward, even more than I do. Jealous?

A: Yeah, right. (-,-) If he's as Victorian as you claim, he needs to have the pickle taken out of his ass. The local lawman is the ideal guy to do it.

J: Edward is not gay. *harrumphs*

A: Neither is Charlie. *shrugs*

J: Alright. Men are Martian. I do not understand that logic. Change of subject. Where does Charlie hide his stash? Bella cleans everything in the house. She even folds his damn underwear and socks, because she thinks she's June Cleaver. So where do sneaky guys hide their stashes these days?

A: Why would he have to? Why would Bella be surprised? Why would she remove it? She was raised by flower child Renée. Phil's probably got sex paraphernalia everywhere, that Renée praises all the time. So why wouldn't she think having a collection of straight porn was healthy? Maybe she wonders what Ed's penis looks like because of having peeped at one of Charlie's mags.

Moreover, if Charlie was going to be embarrassed that she might find it, most men would hide it in a locked box. He probably has a gun safe or a footlocker with a padlock that Bella would assume was full of police weapons. Just because he is a person in authority, doesn't mean he's not tempted the same way everybody else is, or that he doesn't have weaknesses.

J: Touché. Some people are not exactly happy that Charlie calls his precious daughter all manner of names when she's caught making out with her fiancé, whom she has been dating for 2 years, and is marrying in 3 weeks. Why would he?

A: If Bella was so overprotected by her father, who offered her pepper spray repeatedly, and took out his weapons to clean every time Edward came over, for such a father to come across this? To find his baby girl being deflowered in her childhood bed, would bring about such anger and disappointment, and feelings of betrayal and disrespect. Myself, like any loving and chastity-valuing parent in the same boat, would have far worse and more colourful thoughts about the child.

It's not the fact that the pair is actually doing these acts, it is the fact that they are doing it in the father's castle, while he's trusting the pair to behave chastely, and he comes in and is surprised with them defying his house rules right under his nose. It's like they're not troubling to be secretive, and he was hoping to stay blissfully ignorant that his daughter is sexually active, as all parents do.

J: So a parent might think these nasty things, but not say them? He doesn't really think Bella's a slut? He just vents because he's mad?

A: I can't imagine him condoning or encouraging them to have sex. It's either A or B. He approves and praises them, or he disapproves and thinks poorly of them. There's no middle ground. Name calling is in character. He could have tiptoed back downstairs, pretending he didn't see any of it. But once he burst in that room, his thoughts have to keep in congruence with his actions. He would either think Bella was a slut or Edward was a rapist. It's a gut reaction, not thought out.

J: So. Ignorance is bliss? Then he'd be okay with them having sex elsewhere?

A: He would have been upset, but he would not have disturbed them, even if it was in the woods, or in Edward's car, or a cheap motel. That wouldn't be so much of a 'fuck off Dad'. And he would have been justifiably considered to be spying, were it elsewhere. Then, Bella would have been in the right to say, 'we were trying to be loving in a private place, and you invaded it'.

Looking deeply into it, if Bella knew Charlie had a problem with her having premarital sex, and she did it under his roof, she has major issues with Charlie. It says "I'll do what I want, where I want, when I want, and you can't stop me." She's being rebellious. If he caught them in the park or something, and saw it, I think he would have walked away out of respect for their privacy, even if he was upset. But they upset Charlie's privacy.

J: We see closer on this than I thought initially. Last one. Charlie seems to hate Alice, and suggests she corrupts Bella.

A: Charlie, along with everyone else, loves Alice. She's the epitome of a 21st Century Woman. He probably is attracted to her on some level, too. What full-blooded male wouldn't be? In a moment of anger, somebody has to be to blame. When Charlie is mad, he wants to blame Bella's friend for influencing her. Parents often do this when something bad happens, involving their kid, that upsets them. Alice encourages Bella to copy her. That makes Alice a convenient scapegoat.

When Charlie calms down, he'll figure out that he's had his thumb down too hard on Bella. He's trying to be the Überfather, to make up for the years he wasn't there for her. His guilt makes him over-parent her. But when he fails to raise her to be his concept of a perfect daughter, he needs somebody convenient to take the fall, and to me that's the carefree, open-minded Alice Cullen.

J: Yeah, don't forget Charlie doesn't know that Alice and Jazz are married. Can we write the next chapter now? *blinks*

A: Yep. But don't ask me to do another one any time soon. I'll do another one for your birthday.

J: Well, thanks for fulfilling my challenge. That was fun :D

A: Your birthday's April 25th, right?

J: No. That's my mother's. Mine's April 30th. *shrugs*

A: Oh, right. Ahem. Sorry. *cringes*

J: I'm used to it. As long as I get a gift, a dinner I don't have to cook, and smexy time that week, you're forgiven. Okay, Charlie is just about to pull into the Cullens' driveway in the cruiser, and Bella is wearing a tank top, a miniskirt, and no underclothes. Edward is wearing his white Calvin Klein knit boxer briefs, and he is barefoot. He's also cuffed. Continue.

Charlie's pov:

As I approached the forested area close to the Cullen residence, I noticed, in my rear view mirror, Edward's skin looking like frosted ice cubes. He was much more pale than normal. Almost blue with cold. Strangely, once I turned down the Cullens' lane, a growling noise became apparent in the back seat, even through the plexiglass shield. Either he was about to fucking vomit in my cruiser, or he was suffering from a major attack of flatulence.

Bella's look of disgust, and her silence, spoke volumes as to her opinion: 'My Dad is such an asshole, and he wonders why Mom left him'.

Either that, or he really polluted the air with his farts.

Where did I go wrong? She should never have defied me like this.

As I pulled up to the Cullen mansion, I needed to rely upon my police training, to try and keep a level head. Having known Dr Cullen and his family for some time, I was sure we could discuss the situation calmly without things getting out of hand. There could be a firearm in the house, considering that the family often went camping in areas where there were a lot of wild animals. However, I was still so angry that I needed Carlisle's help to resolve things. Besides, he was a doctor. Sworn to preserve life. And Carlisle was a Dad, right? He had daughters. He would understand. I was certain of it.

The door to the house whipped open as I dragged Edward out of the cruiser, with Bella mumbling and sneering at me. Carlisle took in the sight before him. Not only was he surprised and shocked, it was obviously all he could do to stop himself from busting out laughing.

I could not seem to grasp the humour. 'Course the Brits are awfully sarcastic.

Carlisle invited me in, and I holstered my weapon. I told Edward the Monster and Bella the Betrayer to sit on the bench inside the foyer. Weirdly, there were a few moments of silence, in which I almost felt like the father and son were having a silent conversation. Carlisle would stare at him, and Edward would react with his body language as if they were actually talking, yet no lips moved and not a word was uttered. It was like something out of Hitchcock. Really creepy.

Esme appeared, beaming. She tried to make light of the whole situation. Suddenly, Alice was there taking pictures of my near-naked hopefully-still-daughter and shackled maybe-future-son-in-law. I could hear Jasper laughing evilly somewhere out of sight. Maybe I had taken this too far.

Bella's fucking future husband seemed furious with his sister. Wow, we had something in common. There was a flurry of white in my periphery. I looked at him. He had somehow managed to get his hands in front of him to cover his package, but he was, of course, still cuffed. How the hell did he get his hands under his legs without me seeing? He started to launch himself at his picture-snapping sister, but Carlisle put his hand to his boy's chest and pushed him down.

"What on earth is going on, Charlie, to upset you so?" Esme asked. Seriously woman, how fucking blind could you be? Isn't it obvious?

Alice's voice came beaming from the foot of the stairs, where she was sitting with Jasper looking at her blackmail photos. "Come on. Isn't it obvious? Daddy caught them in flagrante delecto."

"He did not!" Edward bellowed. "We didn't do anything. Much. It was nothing," he paused, "And then he was going to shoot me!" His eyes begged Daddy to save him.

I almost suggested that they smell his fingers. I was so mad, I could feel my moustache twitch.

"So undressing my baby girl is nothing, is it? Come on, I caught you red-handed with your dirty claws up her skirt", I snarled. Some uncomfortable looks were exchanged.

"She's not wearing any panties," Jasper chortled, loud in the silence. Yeah, and one more comment like that, and you won't have a dick to piss out of.

Why the fuck were Alice and Jasper being permitted to listen to this conversation anyhow? What kind of a brothel do these Cullens live in? I know they let the foster kids date, but seriously? This is really fucked up.

"Jasper Whitlock Hale, in the name of Roosevelt, shut up!" Esme exclaimed. Roosevelt? Where the hell did she pick up an expression like that!

"Alice! Jasper! Go to your lair! Uh, I mean, room." Carlisle demanded. Weird. They raise these kids like animals, and then wonder why we have these killings in the forest.

Instead of obeying Carlisle, Alice and Jasper came up to have a better look. Jasper stood with his arms folded, looking pleased as punch. Alice danced over to her brother and Bella. "See, Edward? I told you the movie was a bad idea. You should have listened."

"Alice, gloating is unattractive," Edward snarled. Well, he got that right. Stupid ass.

"So is ignoring the advice of your older, more experienced sister."

Yeah, she's experienced, alright. Debbie Does Dallas? Alice Does Texas.

Alice turned to Bella. "You are such a naughty girl," she smirked. Bella blushed. Yep, I knew she got it from this little demon. Brainwasher! This seeming-angel corrupted my baby girl.

"Alice!" Esme flapped her arms desperately.

"Alice! Jasper! Go!" Carlisle barked.

Alice smiled angelically and sauntered upstairs like her shit didn't stink. We heard the camera clicking in her wake. Little brat needed a good whuppin'.

All I could hear was a continuous rumbling coming from Edward. He noticed my incredulous look.

"Excuse me," he said. "I get indigestion when I'm upset."

Maybe he'd puke on Anton Weber during the wedding ceremony. I was right about the flatulence. If they went through with the wedding, we'd better not have any open flames. Well, at least, despite the rumbling, I couldn't smell anything nasty.

Wait. Was Bella doing something to Edward to give him this much gas? Where had her fingers been before he took his turn? Guys this age usually took their turns first, didn't they? I know I did.

I didn't want to think about that.

After some questions, Carlisle sent the young couple to the kitchen, to get Bella supper. I felt a little guilty. She wasn't mumbling at me any more, but she was looking like she was teetering between being upset and repentant.

The longest conversation of my life ensued. Carlisle told me the entire sorry tale of Edward's past. Most of it, I absorbed, but I was getting so tired that my mind started wandering. I daydreamed about sex. I really needed to jerk off.

I had to be hallucinating. I could hear a man and a woman banging upstairs, yelling like actors in some cheap porno from Amsterdam. Not that I would know anything about that. Then, I realized that Jasper was fucking Alice and her parents were not batting an eyelash. I couldn't believe that Carlisle and Esme allowed this to go on in their home.

They had to be Democrats.

Sadly, I found out I had been misjudging the boy. He wasn't so bad. I started to realize he really did care for my daughter, and that my little princess wanted to spend her life with him. They were getting married in three weeks. I had avoided thinking about them expressing their love sexually. But it was gonna happen. And... Renée had been the same age as Bella when Bella was born. Oh. My. I had been fucking Renée for almost two years before that.

Fuck my life.

I made a big mistake.

I had to eat crow.

Luckily, my daughter let it go. And I told the kids I was leaving Bella in the Cullens' care for the night, to give us all time to calm down. I figured Carlisle and Esme wouldn't care. Obviously they let their other children fuck in the house.

I was in a big rush go and fucking get rid of my sexual tension. The longing to get my rocks off was probably at root of my poor judgement. I shouldn't have exploded into the room, ruining their moment. I should have turned around and left them the fuck alone.

It occurred to me, on the way home, that I didn't have any beer, and I seriously needed beer. I was also starving, and had no will to make myself food after all this bullshit. And I wanted meat. Maybe ... steak and cobbler.

I had to rush, knowing that Cora's Diner would soon be closing, so I put on the flashers and sped my way to the Diner. Just as I reached it, I saw Cora shut off the 'Open' sign. As I got out of the cruiser, Cora peered out of the blinds and saw me. She came to the door, and smiled as she opened it.

"Good evening, Chief. What's up?" she wondered.

"Oh, I've had one of the worst nights of my entire life. I really need something to eat. And a Vitamin R. There's no food at home, Bella's spending all her time with the Cullens, getting ready for the wedding."

"Well, everybody's gone, but why don't you come in and I'll whip you up something, and you can tell me all about it," she suggested. "Is it about the killings?"

"No, no. It's personal bull that's just as stressful for me," I admitted. I trusted Cora. She had a sympathetic ear, and never repeated anything to the grapevine.

"Come on, in. I'll have to lock the doors, since we're closed."

"Sorry I'm late," I said, scratching my head.

"That's okay. I'd better close the blinds, too. Why don't you come on back to the kitchen. You want a bacon cheeseburger?"

"I was hoping for steak and cobbler, but I think I'm too starving to wait, so a burger would be great."

"And your usual?" she asked, guiding me to a stool beside the big butcher block-topped counter.

"Yep."

Cora got me a Ranier out of the beer fridge, started the grill and set a big beef patty on it, along with a couple of pre-cooked pieces of bacon. "So what's your trouble?"

"Well, I've been so stressed out, what with Bella, and her wedding, and the killings, and the usual bullshit, that I just needed to go home and de-stress."

"You know what helps with that," she said, wrapping her lips around her own beer bottle, and making a suggestive motion with her fingers.

"Well, that's kinda what I had in mind, but when I got home, I discovered that Edward and Bella were there. They were not in the living room."

Cora flipped my burger, set the cheese and bacon on it, and turned to gape at me. "Oh, no!"

"Uh-huh," I confirmed, swigging my beer. "I caught them making out. And to make it worse, I lost my shit. Put my gun to his head and everything. Cuffed him and dragged him and Bella up to Cullen Lane."

Cora's eyes got as big as dinner plates. "Holy fuck Charlie!"

"Yeah. I know, right? I'm seriously psycho."

"You need a vacation. Hang out on a beach. Get rid of some stress. Maybe get laid." She dished up my burger and I grunted appreciatively.

Best damn burger I ever had. She cleaned the grill while I wolfed it down. When she bent over to get some steel wool to clean the grill, I couldn't help looking. Woman was wearing your typical old-fashioned waitress uniform. Little pink cotton dress, not much different to the nurse's costume that Rosalie Hale had worn the first Hallowe'en they spent in Forks. Oh, fuck, Cora's wearing a purple satin thong. Holy shit. My cock started to bulge.

Cora caught me looking and misinterpreted my expression. She came over slowly, and touched my hand. "Charlie, it's okay. You're a good man. We all make mistakes."

"I'm just so lonely, lately. And stressed," I said, giving her sad eyes.

"Me, too. Why don't we do something about that?" she suggested, reaching to palm my dick through my uniform pants.

Holy shit. Hell to the yeah.

"Are you sure about this?" I checked.

"Come on, it's just gonna be some fun. It's been a long time for me, too," she said, rubbing me.

"Let's do it!" I said.

She reached down and undid my belt and pants while I dropped my gun belt to the floor. The next thing I knew, my cock was in her mouth and she was deep-throating my eight inches like a pro. I grabbed onto her head and face-fucked her for a few minutes. Cora was a good multi-tasker. At the same time she was giving me head, she managed to lose her dress and bra.

I stopped her bobbing motions. Before I blew my load, I wanted to fuck her.

She got up off her knees and our lips locked for a second. That felt wrong, but not wrong enough to stop me. Getting fucked would stop me from becoming a menace to society. I grabbed her under her tight ass, hoisted her up on the butcher block table, leaned over and devoured her pert tits, making her moan and groan. That purple thong was dripping wet. I ripped it out of my way, and she gasped with excitement.

I wanted inside her. One problem. "You got a condom, Cora?"

"I haven't fucked anybody in ten years, and I'm fixed."

"I haven't been with anybody since Renée." Screw the condom.

I took my cock and rubbed it along her dripping slit. She wrapped her legs around my back and pulled me close. I was in her. Holy crap! And she was screaming "Fuck me, Charlie! Fuck me!"

I fucked her hard and fast, while she rubbed her clit. I took her free hand and held it to keep her from falling off the butcher block. Within seconds, Cora's pussy started to clench and spasm, and she started screaming like crazy. I bucked and thrusted wildly. The whole table shook and the copper pots and pans on the rack above us started to bang and clang. One of them fell off the rack, and clattered to the floor.

"I'm gonna cum!" she yowled over and over, and then Cora sprayed her hot juice all over my thrusting cock and crotch.

I pulled out with a guttural roar and poured out the biggest load of my fucking life all over her abdomen and tits and even got some on her face. It was sooo hot. We panted for a few minutes together. Then, I got up and did up my pants, and she got a paper towel and cleaned herself up. We got dressed quietly, and I put on my gun.

"That was really good, Charlie. We both needed that."

"Cora," I said hesitantly.

She stopped me, palm out. "Charlie? It was just a fuck. We both needed that stress release. It was fun. It won't happen again. We're still friends. Nothing more."

"Thanks Cora. You're the best." We hugged, and she showed me out the door.

The next couple of days were a little awkward. Edward phoned me the morning after my insanity and asked permission to take Bella to Niagara Falls, which I granted. I figured they were probably-

Don't think about that.

Anyhow, the pair of them were going to be out of town for at least a few days, and I would have the whole house to myself, should I wish to indulge myself in any self-loving activities.

When I got hungry for my lunch, I realized there were no groceries in the house, and no Bella to cook anything. So I went to the Diner. And Cora treated me just like always.

That night, Esme Cullen sent over a casserole. She knew nobody was feeding me.

The next afternoon, I went to the Diner. Everything in my life was back to normal, except my little girl Bella was probably fucking her almost-husband blue. Oh, well. Such is life. And at least he seemed to be more responsible than Jacob. Carlisle had said he had freaked over the motorcycles and the cliff diving.

That night, I got home from work to find Sue sitting on my porch steps, holding a hot casserole. Mighty fine woman, Sue. Good cook, good housekeeper, and a terrific mother.

And damn if she didn't have a gorgeous ass.