WARNING: This makes no sense, and if you value your sanity I suggest hitting that back button NOW. Remember, I'm climbing in your fandoms, snatching your pairings up, trynna make some crack stories. Hide yo eyes, hide yo waifu.
Double Desu, ALL THE WAY
It was a cold, stormy day in the vast wasteland of Greece when suddenly aliens sprouted from the Earth like tiny little, hideous green flowers with one eyeball and no legs, but tentacles instead. Millions of these ugly creatures pulled themselves from the Earth, and once successfully doing so the theme to Titanic started playing as two of the creatures spotted each other and simultaneously started running toward one another, embracing on contact as everyone else watched on disapprovingly with crossed tentacles.
The taller of the two took the other's glowy green face between its suction cups and whispered in a foreign alien language, "I wish I could quit you!" before what appeared to be the leader of the group with a half-human, half-tentacle body slid over with a guitar in hand, from which he shot lasers- impaling the two in the brains inside their crotches.
"All hail the King!" chorused the rest of the mob, as the two other aliens fell dead.
The leader spun around once and did a pelvic thrust as he said, "thank ya, thank ya very much."
They then had a tea party on the corpses of their fallen allies.
A few feet away, Greece watched the whole ordeal with vague interest, before he rolled over and went back to sleep, muttering something about taxidermy and claymation.
On an island somewhere else, England drops a batch of freshly poisonous scones as his tea senses start tingling, he knows that somehow, somewhere, there's a tea party that he wasn't invited to. This is completely irrelevant to the story though.
On a different island, Japan was about to commit honorable seppuku for falling off his hamster wheel when suddenly the pencil case on the other side of the room starting ringing loudly and incessantly. Japan rushed over to the side of his glass cage and pressed his face to the side, staring at the 'phone' with huge, kawaii desudesu eyes.
Prussia stopped scratching his crotch while Spain swam up onto the rock in his tank with a confused glance at the pencil case.
"The phone, the phone is ringing," sang Japan, making an opening in the glass cage easily with his heat vision as he strode purposefully toward the giant, ringing pencil case.
"The phone, we'll be right there!" Prussia continued, flying out of his own cage with his recently refurbished yellow wings.
"There's a nation in trouble!" exclaimed Spain, slamming his head into the side of his tank multiple times before it finally gave way and poured him out on the floor along with all the water. Once on the floor, he began to have some sort of fit like a fish out of water as he bled from his head which was cut open by the glass from the tank. The other two ignored his convulsions and continued the song, which was obviously way more important than a man having a seizure on the floor because he believed he had gills, which didn't really make sense in the first place considering he was supposed to be the turtle of the group.
"There's a nation in trouble! There's a nation in trouble, somewhere," the two not-seizuring nations finished.
Japan roundhouse kicked the pencil case to the side before picking up the banana that lay beneath, pressing a button on it and holding it up to his ear. "Batman, what's the sitch?" he queried seriously into the banana.
"Greece is being tentacle raped by an alien reincarnation of Elvis Presley," answered Batman from his sponge bath in Metropolis as Superman gave him a massage. "Ooh, right there, Clark."
Prussia ignored the half-moaned statement at the end, and stated, "this is sewious."
Japan glanced at him curiously, "when did you acquire a lisp?"
"If you can be desu, so can I."
The two glared at each other as their desu sparkles duked it out over their heads, causing massive bloodshed and almost wiping out the entire race of desu sparkles altogether. There was numerous casualties on both sides, and the leader of Japan's Double D knights made one last stand, one last desperate attempt that would possibly end this horrible war. He could go back to his family around David Hasselhoff's head, cuz we all know how fucking desu he is. His attack was in vain, however, and as his katana fell to the ground, he only wished to see his family one last time before he closed his eyes for good.
Meanwhile, down below, Prussia broke the desudesu code of vuvuzela and started talking about his penis.
The desu sparkles above him shattered with blood-curdling screams, and the leader of the Double D's cracked open an eye, and thanked the real stars above as he began to slowly limp his way back to his family.
"Yes, well," Kiku said softly, holding the banana protectively to his chest as the moaning continued on the other end of the line, "my penis is big enough."
Above them, they heard a faint, high-pitched squeal before what sounded like glass breaking.
"Speaking of glass breaking," said Prussia, completely ignoring the fact that the author didn't put any quotes around the previous statement, "Spain's fourth wall on his tank seems to have broken. Along with Spain's face. Should we do anything about the bleeding?"
"He'll be fine," responded Japan, not even looking at Spain who was now foaming at the mouth. "Now, Batman, where can I find Greece to save him from the tentacle rape so that I may take advantage of him in his vulnerable state and slowly ravish him until he's begging me to stop, slow down, no please, Kiku, stop, ahh~!"
Japan blinked as he realized what he'd just said out loud.
"Pancakes," said Prussia.
"Athens," said Batman, and proceeded to hang up the phone as Superman slipped into the bath with him.
Kiku started heading out the door when Prussia grabbed his arm, shaking his head.
"Ready you are not, young grasshopper. A bunny must learn to hop before it can collect pollen to feed to its chicks."
Japan nodded solemnly as Eye of the Tiger started playing.
One corny training montage later, Japan finally showed up at Greece with a camouflage-print headband tied around his head with black smears under his eyes and huge, bulging muscles. He was also tan and sweating all over for some reason, causing him to basically blind you with pheromones if you even thought about looking at his incredibly-toned body.
"Training montages, good for the buns and thighs," commented Prussia, giving a thumbs-up at the camera.
"Yah, buns and thighs," said Japan in a manry voice.
Elvis took time out of raping Greece to stare at the pair blankly.
Greece took time out of being raped to glare at Japan.
Turkey took time out of laughing at Greece getting raped to stare at Japan in complete, unhindered captivation.
"Why are you only in your dog?" queried Greece, taking in Japan's outfit.
And so he was, as the tiny pelt of a Westie barely covered his beautiful man parts.
"It was the only thing not in the laundry pile, besides, I don't want all my taxidermy classes to go to waste."
"What a lovely-"
Japan held up a sweaty, tan hand to silence the Greek man, before he planted his manry gaze on Elvis, who flinched under that powerful glare as Turkey swooned. Japan, meanwhile. was dripping with testosterone and raw meat, because we all know how manly raw meat is (double pun intended). Except he was literally dripping with raw meat. It was quite disgusting.
Kiku glanced at Prussia briefly while wiping the meat off his face, Prussia, noticing the gaze, glanced up with his mouth full of the wurst he had previously been pulling from Kiku's armpit.
"Wh't?" grunted Prussia, spitting more meat onto Kiku's face in the process.
"We don't eat meat in this country," said Japan, backing Prussia up next to a giant hole in the ground that has been there the whole time, the author swears.
"This is madness!" shouted Prussia incredulously.
"Madness...?" whispered Japan, looking down, but his head snapped back up a moment later as he screamed, "THIS IS SPARTA!"
He lifted a leg to kick Prussia, but Prussia interrupted by saying, "no, this is Patrick."
"Oh," said Kiku, putting his leg back down and turning back to Elvis.
Then stereotypical western music started to play as the camera closed up on both of their eyes.
A tumbleweed tumbled by and Prussia picked it up and started eating it in anxiety.
Japan took a deep breath.
"Look at the guy you're raping, now back to me, now back to your rape victim, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but he could smell like me if you try our new 'Desu Desu Sparkle Spray For Trannies,' made with real smashed-up Desu Sparkles!
Elvis scratched his stubble for a few seconds in contemplation before shaking his head decisively, "the voice inside my head says no."
"Then you leave me no choice," said Kiku with narrowed eyes.
He pulled a shotgun out of his pants (God knows where he put it, yet he wished he didn't) and pointed it at Prussia's head.
Prussia gasped and dropped the tumbleweed he had so adamantly been munching on.
Elvis' jaw dropped in surprise, "you wouldn't!"
"I would" responded Kiku mercilessly, cocking the shotgun.
"You can't!" cried Elvis desperately.
"I can~" Kiku sing-songed in return.
Prussia's ruby-red eyes welled with tears as he stared at Elvis with huge, desu-desu eyes, silently begging him for rescue.
"I-I... Fine," submitted Elvis as he pulled away from Greece with a sickening squelch sound. Heracles slumped to the ground pathetically as Elvis slid over to Prussia after Japan retracted his gun, which he then used to shoot Turkey in the appendix for no apparent reason.
Ignoring Turkey's screams of agony, Elvis used a suction cup to tilt up the albino's face which was stained with tears and Kool-Aid.
"Th-Thought you were gonna leave me fer a second there..." muttered the Prussian uncertainly with a southern inflection as Elvis blanched.
Sparkles and roses started to bloom and sparkle around them both (in that order) while they stared deeply into each other's eyes.
"You know I would never, ever do that to you, Tutti Frutti," said Elvis as he leaned in close, puckering his lips.
"Oh, Rudy," whispered Prussia, letting his eyes slip closed in anticipation.
Elvis' mouth fell open in shock. "Who's Rudy?" he exclaimed in outrage.
The albino's eyes shot open in recognition and panic.
"No, Elvy, that's not what I mea-" he received a sharp slap from a tentacle before he could finish, effectively knocking him out.
"Screw it, we're talking about this at home."
So Elvis dragged Prussia to his spaceship that was in the shape of some sort of phallic thing that the author doesn't want to say and tossed him inside, shooting off into space as Kiku and Heracles watched from Earth, waving silently with handkerchiefs.
The author can't believe she didn't make an E.T. joke there.
A few seconds later they saw the spaceship spiraling towards Earth once more as Elvis screamed, "THE FOURTH WALL HAS COLLAPSED!" from the interior.
An explosion sounded in the distance as Kiku turned to Greece.
"Wanna play DDR?"
So they did.
Then Greece got pissed because Japan kept beating him, so he called the Powerpuff Girls who blew up all the tentacle aliens instead- with nukes that they acquired from Korea, who always has a surplus.
Even later, Greece carried the buff-as-Chuck-Norris Kiku back to his home, nearly dropping him on several occasions, so he decided to use his magic wand to try the Wingardrium Leviosa charm but he said it wrong then got pissed again and broke his wand in half. Then Indiana Jones swung in and kicked Japan to the house then threw them some dynamite so they could blow up the entrance to the house even though it was unlocked. James Bond greeted them with only an apron on while he stirred a vat of toxic waste for some milkshakes as they made their way to their fish bowl.
Once there, they fucked like two Energizer bunnies on crack.
They were the only two that really lived happily ever after, as Spain had been left in a room to die from unexplainable seizures and Elvis and Prussia died in a spaceship crash and Turkey died from being shot in the appendix.
Whatever, the author got to the GreeceJapan eventually, didn't she? Be satisfied.
"According to the latest news reports, two men died from being crushed underneath the fourth wall of their house, more on this story later after our report on the drunk, streaking blonde man from last night, screaming about tea parties and how America doesn't love him. In other news- Elvis. He's landing in your country, snatchin' your nations up, trynna rape 'em so y'all need to hide yo micro-nations, hide your waifu."
Now we're all even.
Inspired by the Old Spice guy.
I think I like my SuFin one better cuz it was twenty times more scarring. Now I have the random urge to play a vuvuzela, which I tried to find a use for in this story but couldn't.
I am sad.
In any case, have my first GreeceJapan fic. And LOL this is my 40th fanfic on this site, I do believe I was going to do something special but I suppose this will suffice.
Blame Joey again.
Also, that thing Japan did to Spain, the whole 'you'll be fine' without looking at him, my mom does that to me all the time. Although most of the time I'm not seizing on the floor and foaming from the mouth. Most of the time.
Okay other random notes that might help you understand better... not that this was really meant to be understood, but whatevs.
The wearing your dog thing was a conversation between me and Joey. I wish I could quit you is from Brokeback Mountain. Japan, Prussia, and Spain were the Wonder Pets. I ship SupermanBatman. Uh, I had a dream once that Elvis was an octopus/tentacle monster. That STUPID OVERUSED "THIS IS SPARTA" is a meme from 300, the kawaii desu desu sparkles are things I picked up from browsing Tegaki E for like two months, and there's probably a bunch of shit I missed but I pulled a good percentage of this crack out my ass, like those drug dealers who hide stuff from the police in their ass and wow that was a random analogy!
ANYWAY after I made this I wanted to include the Double Rainbow meme cuz I fucking love it, Mr. T, Fuck You by Cee Lo Green which is an awesome song, I also wanted Sweden to pop up and hide his Sealand, hide his Finland. I'm just too lazy to do any of those things.
ALSO- RECORD NUMBER OF BREAKING OF THE FOURTH WALL. GO ME.