Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any part of the Harry Potter universe (especially since he stole Hermione, and did a runner after I won the auction)
Thanks to Karma for being a wonderful Beta.
A/N, thank you to everyone that's read, favourited, alerted, and reviewed this story. It' a wonderful feeling to know that people appreciate your work, especially when it's the first story you've written. Hard to believe how popular this story got, especially since it started off as a way to burn off a bit of depression in a one shot angst burst. I'd like to thank Broomstick Rider for the initial idea and Miss Anthropic for the idea for Emma and Harry's bonding
YOU-KNOW-WHO'S LAST PISSTAKE
Story by Rita Skeeter.
Last night during the Final Task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Harry Potter none other than the 'Boy who lived' was once again confronted by the infamous Dark Lord.
As Mr. Potter took the Tri-Wizard Cup, it transported him, not to the judges stand as expected, but instead to a small abandoned graveyard in what I have recently found was Little Hangleton. As Mr. Potter arrived, he was stunned by none other than Peter Pettigrew, before being bound for use in a Dark ritual to return You-know-Who to life. Fortunately for us all Mr. Potter's betrothed, the smartest witch of our age, Ms. Hermione Granger was able to sense Mr. Potter's danger, and in some unknown fashion was able to make her way to his side. Stunning Pettigrew before he was able to complete the ritual, she then freed the man she loved.
While all of our world knows that Mr. Potter is perhaps one of the bravest people in the world, Facing down a 60 basilisk at the age of 12 (see page 3 for the full story), and facing down You-know-Who three other times previously (see pages 4-6 for the full story). This reporter also found out last night that Mr. Potter may also be one of the smarter people in our world. After being freed, Mr. Potter then cast a reveling spell at the potion the Dark Lord was using to return to life, and determining the arithmantic formula, he then proceeded to corrupt it in a most disturbing manner.
Yes Witches and Wizards, the Dark Lord died from taking the piss. Not satisfied by saving our world from the horrors of a returned Dark Lord, Harry Potter upon returning to Hogwarts, helped uncover the fact that this year's professor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts was none other than an escaped Death Eater who had been taking the place of retired Master Auror Alistair "Mad-Eye" Moody himself.
With these Revelations one has to ask, Was Headmaster Dumbledore aware of these plans? If so, why was nothing done. If not, Why not?
Arriving in the Great Hall for breakfast the following morning, Harry and Hermione found the school in an uproar. After glancing at one of the copies of the Daily Prophet, they understood why. As breakfast finished, Dumbledore stood to make an announcement.
"Firstly Congratulations to Harry Potter for winning the Tri-Wizard tournament. Secondly, for health reasons, I will be not be returning as Headmaster next year. After much thought and deliberation, I have decided to retire. Professor McGonagall will be taking over as Headmistress." With a small nod to Harry and Hermione, the aging Headmaster again took his seat.
After the teens had finished their breakfast in the shock filled hall, they returned to the common room to finish packing for the trip home. Harry for once was torn, he was grateful that his Godfather had been cleared and that he would be living with him this summer, but he would also miss his wonderful betrothed, Hermione.
On the way down to Hogsmeade to board the express home, Harry shared his concerns with Hermione. When she reminded him that she had apparated to him in the graveyard, Harry felt cheered that he'd be able to spend the summer with two of the people he loved.
Hermione also reminded him that her parents had invited him and Sirius with them on their annual summer vacation, and that they would be visiting the beaches in France again this year. The thought of Hermione in her small bikini, made Harry extremely happy, a fact Hermione definitely noticed as she was sitting in his lap at the time.
As the summer progressed the relationship between the two grew closer, though they didn't take the final step, as both had agreed to wait until marriage. On Harry's birthday, Hermione learned two things that both she and Harry were to be the Gryffindor prefects and that there were some very good reasons to be with a Parselmouth. The fact that Hermione's, "SWEET BABY MAEVE," rocked through the silencing charms Sirius had placed on Harry's door caused both teens to spend the next day blushing, and unable to meet her parent's gaze. Sirius on the other hand couldn't keep the grin off of his face.
Returning to school for their fifth year, Harry and Hermione learnt why Sirius had seemed so happy over most of the summer. He had been appointed the Transfiguration professorship as well as Head of Gryffindor house, when McGonagall had taken over as Headmistress. Remus had been invited back as the DADA professor, with Tonks taking over for him on the days he was dealing with his 'furry little problem'.
As the year progressed Hermione and Harry could often be seen with very goofy smiles, when their respective dorm mates finally broke down their resistance, Hermione simply said, "Being engaged to a parselmouth is a goooood thing," with a wicked smile, while Harry's near innocent, "She likes chocolate," had Neville falling off his bed laughing.
With no Voldemort staring over their shoulders, and with Hermione's reward scheme, Harry's grades shot up so fast, he began to rival her for top student. Harry was still active in Quidditch, with Hermione also rewarding his wins; Harry would usually get the snitch in the first 30 minutes of the game. The only games that took more than this were the ones against, Ravenclaw, as Cho was determined to keep him from winning after he beat out her boyfriend for Tri-Wizard champion.
When the two received their owl scores, they were both surprised, Harry had equaled Hermione. His 'Highest ever DADA' score matched Hermione's 'Highest Ancient Runes' score, though they both got O's for those subjects. What surprised them both though was they had tied for 'Highest Arithmancy'.
Professor Vector and Tonks had been spending more time around Grimmauld Place. At first Harry had thought it simply that they were discussing lesson with his Godfather, and Remus, until Hermione explained the facts to him.
When their book lists came for 6th year, the two were reconfirmed as Gryffindor prefects, and Harry had gained the added responsibility of Quidditch captain as well.
Harry and Hermione spent as much time together as possible, with Hermione taking to studying at the pitch while Harry led the practices. Due to their mind-link, Harry was able to share the study time with Hermione even as he watched his team work. As Katie's choices the prior year had worked out so well for the team, Harry kept the team as it was, though he did hold tryouts for anyone wanting a reserve position.
On Hermione's birthday in September, she was surprised to wake up late; and was even more surprised when Harry officially proposed to her in front of the Great Hall. No one could doubt her sincerity when she threw herself into his arms with a shouted, "YES!" although McGonagall did have to clear her throat a few times to get their attention before their displays of affection went too far in public.
Through the year at each of the Hogsmeade weekends leading up to Christmas, the two could be seen spending nearly as much time in Gladrags as the bookstore, though they never seemed to purchase anything. When asked about why they were looking so long there, Hermione explained that they were trying to find her wedding gown.
On Christmas Eve, the two were walking back to Hermione's home from the local movie theater, when they passed by a muggle wedding store. Hermione glanced at the window, and stopped dead in her tracks. Harry seeing the look in her eyes grinned. As they stopped for cocoa at the cafe a block away, Harry excused himself for a moment, and after a few minutes returned with a grin.
The next morning after everyone flooed to Grimmauld place, Harry handed Hermione one of her gifts, before sitting on the floor, and asking Sirius to cast a cushioning charm behind him. When Hermione opened the gift, and saw the wedding dress she had fallen in love with the night before; she launched herself at Harry, making him quite glad of the foresight that had him asking Sirius for the cushioning charm. Emma and Hermione were so thrilled, that they almost didn't notice the gifts Sirius and Remus had offered their respective girlfriends. It seemed having the pup/cub show them up had made them realize what they had been missing. Very shortly, Septima Vector and Nymphadora (call me that and you'll be eating your own intestines) Tonks were also engaged.
That night Hermione almost broke their promise to wait for marriage, but Harry held out, cursing his stubborn willpower the whole time. The two did find a few ways for Harry to be rewarded however, the fact that Harry loved all of Hermione's soft, wild, untamed hair, didn't hurt in the least.
One of the things that Hermione had learned over the course of their relationship was that whenever her cramps hit, she could just cuddle into Harry, and they would fade away when he held her stomach. This shouldn't have been too surprising as magic is more about intent and will than words and wands. Harry always wanted Hermione to be comfortable and pain free.
At the end of year feast, where Gryffindor had won yet again, both the House cup and the Quidditch cup, Madam Pomfrey had awarded Harry a special plaque for not needing her services for the entire year a first for him.
The three couples were married on the 1st of August, the day after Harry's 17th birthday; they invited all of their friends to attend. Sadly of the Weasley family, this did not include Ron, as his constant jealousy and sniping had driven them away over the past two years. Molly and Ginny were still spending time in Azkaban for their parts in attempting to use a class 4 restricted potion on Harry, and using one on Hermione. It had come out at Ginny's trial, that Molly had made the potion for her to snag Harry. Only the fact that Ginny had forgotten to key the potion to her kept them from the Veil.
Harry and Hermione's wedding night was spent at the Cottage in Godric's Hollow. Upon receiving his inheritance, Harry had promptly asked Dobby and Winky to see about repairing the house, wanting to live where his parents had for a time.
When they returned from their two week honeymoon, Harry and Hermione were shocked but pleased that they had been selected as Headboy and Headgirl. With the additional responsibilities and with this being their NEWT year, Harry declined his Quidditch captaincy though did continue on as seeker for his final year.
As Head students and as a married couple, Harry and Hermione shared a private room. It was a testament to Harry's willpower and Hermione's planning that Hermione graduated without being pregnant though there were a few close calls.
A month after they graduated, they received their NEWT scores; Harry had again gotten top score in DADA, with Hermione taking the Ancient Runes score. This time it was no surprise that they shared the highest score for Arithmancy. With their respective scores, it was no surprise at all that Harry was snapped up as an Auror, nor that Hermione was hired as an Unspeakable. What nobody knew was that Harry had also been hired as an Unspeakable but seconded to the DMLE.
Their times sneaking down to the Chamber of Secrets, had allowed the two to 'develop' a range of 'new' spells. All of the Parselmouth spells that had been created by Salazar Slytherin were hidden away. Harry of course didn't reveal all of the spells as a number of them were quite dark.
10 months after graduating Hogwarts, Harry and Hermione Potter welcomed little Rose Jane Potter and Puck Harry Potter into the world. Hermione's 6 hour labor had her initially threatening to remove Harry's pet basilisk if he even thought of coming near her again. After their children had been delivered, she eventually apologized. Within weeks of the Potters welcoming their children into the world, Sirius and Septima were delivered of Romulus Primus Black, followed shortly by Remus and Tonks having young Theodore Lupin. Remus was honored by the Blacks choice of name.
A year later, Sirius Dan Potter and Emma Lily Potter were born. Hermione decided that that was plenty of children for a while, as she wasn't planning on raising her own Quidditch team.
Harry of course got in plenty of trouble when he bought child brooms for his kids 3rd and 2nd Christmas respectively. Hermione had almost forgiven him for the mess and worry by his birthday. Little Puck looked almost exactly like his father, except his hair was as brown as his mother's. Rose on the other hand, was identical to her mother, but for her father's emerald eyes. Baby Sirius took after his mother, where baby Emma looked exactly like a female version of her father.
When the children reached Hogwarts, Minerva nearly retired upon finding out that not only were Remus and Sirius to have children attending, but that Harry's first two were there at the same time. Only the fact that they were sorted into Gryffindor kept her from retiring on the spot. When Sirius Dan and Lily Emma were sorted into Ravenclaw, the Headmistress thought she was safer until she discovered that the two newest Ravenclaws were assisting their siblings and god-siblings with planning some of the oddest pranks. Tie-dye tartan robes on all the professors was one thing, but no one could figure out how they had managed to invert the Slytherin dorms, not even Hermione, though the glint in Harry's eye when he heard of that prank made McGonagall suspect a few things she normally wouldn't.