Disclaimer – I don't own Naruto

A/N – This was actually the fifth one-shot in my NejiTen collection, but one of my reviewers PM-ed me and suggested I expand on it a bit, and make it more of a Sakura/Sasuke story. I loved the idea, and so here it is: an idiotic plot that popped into my head some time ago.

I wonder if I should start doing a SasuSaku oneshot collection =P I haven't written an major thing of that pairing since Confrontation, so I'm not sure… let me know?

I hope you enjoy reading this, and please review! =)

xoxo

xoxoxo

xoxo

"SASUKE-TEME!" Naruto hollered, banging his fist on his friend's door. "OPEN UP, YOU ASOCIAL RETARD! OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!"

There was no answer, and Naruto was slowly losing patience. He'd been banging on the door for the past ten minutes, and there was no answer. And he knew Sasuke was inside (they'd already trained earlier and the bastard didn't go out and socialize like most people).

"OY, BASTARD!" Naruto tried again, "IT'S URGENT!"

There was no answer, and Naruto contemplated flinging a Rasengan at the door, but then decided it would waste too much chakra. Finally, Naruto decided to rush against the wooden door and break through (like he had the last three times) when it suddenly opened, making him lose balance and trip, falling flat on his face.

"You bastard!" Naruto cursed, shaking a fist at the narrow ebony eyes that gazed at him with an expression of utmost contempt from above. However, after witnessing his blonde friend sprawled at his feet, Sasuke smirked.

Naruto scrambled up, suddenly looking extremely excited, as he bounced into Sasuke's apartment. Sasuke closed the door with a sigh, following the hyperactive ball of energy, who had made himself comfortable on his sofa, where he had been sitting just moments ago, peacefully reading a scroll on time-space manipulation.

Of course, with Naruto's presence, Sasuke knew he wouldn't be getting peace anytime soon.

"What is it?" Sasuke asked finally, rather testily. He had been expecting another visitor, and the moment he heard the incessant pounding and realized it was Naruto, he was contemplating ways to get the boy out of his apartment as soon as possible.

"I've got an awesome new jutsu to show you!" Naruto said, grinning widely. "It's brilliant!"

"What?" Sasuke asked, interest perking slightly, though he wouldn't show it.

"Well... it's not entirely complete yet – I still have to make a few modifications... I tried it out on Kakashi-sensei, but it seemed to upset him, and he just poofed away with that damn book of his. So I thought I'd show you, and ask for your help..."

"This better not be what I think it is, dobe," Sasuke began, crossing his arms, but it was too late. Naruto made the familiar signs, and gave a cry of "Sexy jutsu!"

Seconds later, with a poof of smoke, a very naked, very curvy female stood in Sasuke's living room. Sasuke immediately turned away, looking rather disgusted. Naruto's new form was pretty similar to his old one, except there were no whiskers this time, and his blue eyes were slightly more on the turquoise side. His blonde pigtails had been replaced by a shoulder-length cut.

"Damnit!" Naruto cursed, tugging at a lock of blonde hair. "Still blonde!"

Sasuke was silent for a moment, before he spoke.

"How is this depraved jutsu even slightly better than it was before, Naruto?" Sasuke demanded, before adding acerbically, "Though it was quite pathetic to begin with."

"That's the problem!" Naruto howled, still transformed into an unusual, yet undeniably attractive female. "I'm trying to modify it so that it takes shape based on the preferences of the person I'm using it against! But I can't get it to change my eye or hair color! All it does is change my hairstyle! And it gave me these purple stripes on my face when I used it on Kakashi-sensei, which was weird... but other than that nothing!" Naruto bemoaned. Sasuke didn't look the slightest bit impressed.

"Your idiotic jutsu obviously needs a lot of work –" Sasuke remarked cuttingly.

"So could you-"

"And no, don't even think of asking me for help."

"What?" Naruto wailed, "Why not? I help you all the time with your jutsus!"

"This technique is unworthy of being considered a jutsu. There is no way I would encourage your asinine behaviour, Naruto. Go ask Kiba, or someone who'll actually care," Sasuke snapped, before Naruto could protest.

There was a sudden knock on the door.

"Now get the hell out of here," Sasuke hissed, "Or at least transform back to your usual self!"

"What if I don't want to?" Naruto asked, pouting childishly. "Please, Sasuke-kun..." he bit his lip, widening his eyes, "Please help me..."

"That's not going to work on me, especially when you're still blonde, dead last," said Sasuke, walking towards his door.

He smirked to himself – Naruto deserved what was coming to him if she saw him in his transformed state.

Indeed, the door opened, to reveal a rather shocked looking Sakura, her green eyes wide. They soon narrowed.

Naruto shivered, crossing his arms to cover his chest.

"Naruto," Sakura growled, crackling her knuckles menacingly. "What the hell? Are you trying to – seduce Sasuke-kun or something?"

"Of course not!" Naruto screeched, shaking his head and waving his hands wildly. "I was just – I – I need some help with this jutsu! Don't hurt me, Sakura-chan, I'm sorry!"

"Help?" Sakura scoffed, her reaction not unlike Sasuke's own, "Help with what? You can't possibly improve something so ridiculous!"

"But I can," Naruto protested, "And you better believe it!"

"Honestly Naruto," Sakura said critically, "The long hair suited you better. And if you're trying to test different styles or something, couldn't you find someone better than Sasuke-kun? We all know he's not exactly – interested…"

"What did you mean by that?" Sasuke asked defensively.

"Oh, nothing, Sasuke-kun," Sakura murmured, before adding a bit sadly, "Well I – we all know you don't swing that way…"

"I – what?" Sasuke choked, "I don't – I'm not gay!"

"Yes you are," Sakura said regretfully, shaking your head, "It's obvious. But you don't have to hide it anymore, Sasuke-kun, we all-"

"But Sakura-chan!" Naruto interrupted, "He's not! He can't be!"

"And you would know because?" Sakura rounded on Naruto, green eyes glinting, "Come on, your sexy girl form didn't work. Just man up again, and you'll be good enough for him!"

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto screeched, "I – don't – it wasn't like that!"

"What?" Sakura asked pointedly, "You were prancing around naked in front of Sasuke-kun, batting your eyelashes and stuff. I know you two have kissed before so just-"

"THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" Sasuke and Naruto roared together.

"Stupid dobe," Sasuke muttered below his breath.

"Asshole teme," Naruto added in a whisper, before looking at Sakura, a sly grin appearing on his face.

"Oh, and Sakura-chan, I know Sasuke's not gay, because if he was, my sexy form would have probably changed in more ways you can imagine," Naruto said, grinning, "See, I'm trying to modify it to suit the taste of my enemy, but so far I can't change the hair color or anything, just the hair-st-aaargh!"

Naruto winced visibly, glaring at Sasuke as he rubbed his right arm – three thin glowing blue needles of chakra poked out – chidori senbon.

"Thanks a ton, bastard," Naruto said sarcastically, transforming back to normal, "You were a great help."

"Just get lost," Sasuke glowered at him, barely concealing the edge of panic to his voice.

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto grumbled, "I'll kick your sorry ass to Suna with this jutsu one day, believe it!"

"Hn," Sasuke snorted.

"Later, Sakura-chan!" Naruto called, leaping out of the window and bounding off over the rooftops, undoubtedly in search of new shinobi to try his jutsu on.

Sakura sighed, looking at Sasuke, who suddenly looked rather tense.

"What's wrong, Sasuke-kun?" she asked.

"Nothing," Sasuke said immediately, "He's such a moron…"

"That he is," Sakura agreed, smiling slightly, "But though I'd never say this in front of him, you do have to applaud the ingenuity of it…"

Sasuke raised an elegant eyebrow, looking at her like she was insane.

"Well, think about it," Sakura told him, "If he modifies it to suit his enemy's dream girl, it could actually be a pretty deadly weapon!"

"Don't let him hear you say that," Sasuke muttered.

"Of course not," Sakura shook her head, "That's all he'd need, encouragement. Anyways, why did you call me here, Sasuke-kun? You said your Sharingan was acting up?"

"Hn," Sasuke nodded, remembering his excuse, "Yes, it's nothing serious, but if you don't mind checking…"

"Of course, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said immediately, "I'll run a check-up right now."

xoxoxo

"Um... Naruto?" Lee asked, as the blonde shinobi surveyed the group in front of them. They had all gathered at Team Seven's old training grounds, where Naruto had called them, claiming it was a matter of utmost urgency. "Why are we all here?"

"I need help with one of my jutsu," Naruto explained. "So you guys are like my – subjects!"

"Yosh! We are helping you with a jutsu so that you can grow more youthfully powerful! That is an excellent endeavour!" Lee shouted enthusiastically.

The other members of the group didn't seem to share his ebullience.

Neji just cocked an eyebrow, the expression on his face indicating that he thought this a waste of his time, and he would much rather be doing something else at the moment.

Kiba looked vaguely annoyed, and Shino was as silent as ever. Sai, however, looked mildly interested.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered. He'd so much rather be lying down, staring at the clouds...

"Well, anyway!" Naruto began, blue eyes roving over the shinobi assembled in front of him. "I'm gonna start now, and use my jutsu against you all in turn! Any volunteers for who wants to go first?"

"Me!" Lee yelled immediately, his green spandex-covered arm shooting into the air.

"Um... other than Lee," Naruto suggested, knowing that if he transformed for Lee it would probably yield the same result as when he'd transformed for Sasuke.

Lee look put out.

"Why not me?" he demanded. "Am I not youthful enough an opponent for you?"

"It's not that!" Naruto said quickly, "Um... how about – Shikamaru?"

"No," the lazy shinobi said immediately. "Fighting you will be such a drag..."

"But you don't have to do anything!" Naruto said. "Just stand and stare at me, that's all!"

Shikamaru didn't seem to mind this arrangement, and nodded.

"Fine, if that's all it entails..." he drawled.

"Alright!" Naruto shouted, forming a seal, his blue eyes meeting Shikamaru's dark ones. "Sexy jutsu!"

Moments later, a voluptuous naked woman stood in his place.

Kiba ogled at her shamelessly, and Neji and Lee both diverted their eyes, Neji with a supremely disdainful look on his face.

Naruto's eyes were still blue, though slightly darker than usual. His hair, instead of its usual two blonde pigtails, was held in four, shorter, spiky ponytails.

"Oh no..." Shikamaru groaned, realizing what had happened.

Suddenly, Naruto's eyes lightened, and his hair changed to one long, high ponytail, his bangs lengthening and nearly obscuring one of his eyes.

"Shit!" Shikamaru cursed, eyes widening.

Naruto's form changed back to what it had been seconds ago, with the four spiky pigtails and darker eyes.

"What the hell is happening?" Naruto wailed, as his form flitted from one to another, completely out of his control. He finally switched back to his normal and thankfully male form, clad in his orange and black jumpsuit.

"Shikamaru!" he shouted, pointing at the boy accusingly. "You – you're a-"

"Shut up," Shikamaru said loudly, hoping no one else had realized his indecisiveness. Why was his life so troublesome? Why could he not stick to just one?

"I think you should try someone, else, Naruto," he said, as Kiba's eyes narrowed, and the brown-haired boy smirked at him knowingly, one of his fang-like canines glinting. "Like Neji," Shikamaru supplied.

"Hell no," Neji said immediately, sounding rather enraged that Shikamaru had the gall to even suggest him, but it was too late. Naruto made the signs, and there was a puff of smoke.

When Naruto reappeared, his blonde hair was bound in two buns at the top of his head, a few bangs covering his forehead. His blue eyes were much darker than they had been before, and he was twirling a kunai between his fingers.

Neji looked rather revolted, white eyes widening in horror, and he turned away, flushing.

Lee's round eyes grew even rounder.

"What?" he yelled, catching on, "Neji has fetishes for buns and weapons! That sounds familiar!"

"I do not have fetishes," Neji hissed, still flushing horribly, the pink colour all the more evident on his pale skin. He tried looking affronted, but failed miserably, instead choosing to stride out from the area in graceful dignity.

Or that's what he liked to think – actually, he had stomped out, looking extremely flustered.

He came back in a moment, though, realizing something.

"Lee don't you dare tell her or Gai-sensei," he began, but the green-haired boy had already sped off in the opposite direction.

Neji cursed, as elegantly as a Hyuuga can curse, and stormed off again.

"What was that all about?" Naruto asked, looking confused.

"Isn't it obvious, moron?" Kiba snapped. "You just revealed Neji's deepest, darkest secret with your stupid jutsu, and now he's going to Jyuuken your guts out in his wrath, after he gets over his mortification!"

"But – what – what did I – I didn't even transform completely!" Naruto argued obliviously. "My jutsu's only partially complete, why's he getting so mad!"

"Oh come on, Naruto."

It was Shikamaru who spoke now, his tone monotonous.

"It's obvious that you transform so your hair and eye intensity resembles that which your opponent is most romantically or sexually attracted to. And how many kunoichi do we know that tie their hair in two buns, and are constantly seen playing with weapons?"

"Oh," Naruto gasped, realization dawning upon him. "So then Lee was right! Neji does have a bun and weapon fetish!"

"I wouldn't let him hear you say that," Shikamaru advised, but then Naruto turned to him suddenly.

"What about you, huh? You're obviously attracted to two girls at the same time, and can't decide which! That's worse! My jutsu kept freaking changing, because you couldn't make up your damn mind on which you preferred!" he pointed out.

"Yeah, Ino's so going to murder you when she finds out!" Kiba laughed.

"And Temari," Chouji added, sounding worried.

"Guys, shut up," Shikamaru groaned. "This is all so – troublesome... Naruto, just use a mirror and work on it yourself, seriously..."

"No!" Naruto said, blushing red as well as he remembered what had happened when he'd tried exactly that; his spiky hair had grown long and straight, a thick fringe covering his forehead. His eyes had lightened dramatically to a very light, almost whitish-blue.

He'd stared at himself in shock for a moment, before turning bright red and transforming back – he'd known exactly what that had meant, though he was having trouble admitting it.

xoxoxo

Naruto cackled to himself, rubbing his hands together deviously, as he leapt towards Team Gai's training grounds a few days later, despite Shikamaru's warning that he should stay out of Neji's way.

He'd finally perfected the jutsu – almost. And he needed a test subject, before he used the jutsu on Sasuke during sparring.

Team Kurenai had left on a mission, Lee was busy running laps on his hands with Gai, Chouji's only love in life was food, and Shikamaru had disappeared somewhere.

So that only left one option for Naruto to test his jutsu on.

Conveniently forgetting about Neji's Jyuuken-ing abilities, and the fact that he was the strongest member of the strongest clan (not counting Sasuke) in the village, and that he also was a Jounin, Naruto forged ahead eagerly.

When he finally landed in Team Gai's training ground, the first thing Naruto had to do was duck as hundreds of gleaming weapons whizzed towards him.

"Aagh!" Naruto shouted, as the pelting weapons stopped. "Tenten! What gives?"

"Sorry, Naruto," the brunette, bun-haired kunoichi said sweetly, smiling a bit sheepishly as she dropped one her scrolls to the ground. "But it really wasn't my fault..."

Tenten gestured to a large sphere of rotating blue chakra which dissipated in a few moments, (it had deflected some of Tenten's weapons in Naruto's direction) leaving a rather angry looking Neji, his fists clenched and the veins of his Byakugan pulsing.

"What are you doing here?" Neji snarled at Naruto

"Oh, I finally perfected my jutsu!" Naruto told him cheerfully. "And I wanted to test it on you..."

"NO!" Neji cried, suddenly looking panicked. "Definitely not! Go try on someone else!"

"Why not?" Tenten asked curiously, spinning a kunai on her fingers, looking interested. "What kind of a jutsu is this?"

"You don't want to know," Neji answered quickly, but Naruto told her anyway.

"It's a perfected version of my sexy jutsu!" he said proudly, ignoring Neji's mounting anger. "Except it personalizes itself based on the shinobi's sexual preferences!"

"...oh," Tenten muttered, looking rather peeved. "Don't you think that's kind of – childish, Naruto?"

"Extremely childish," Neji agreed vehemently. "Now get the hell out of here, we're trying to train!"

"But Tenten," Naruto pouted, as a conniving idea entered his mind, "Aren't you interested in knowing what happens if I use this on Neji?"

Tenten shrugged.

"Why would I be?" she asked nonchalantly, though Naruto could tell she was trying to hide her obviously piqued interest.

"Yes, there is no reason for Tenten to care," Neji said, dropping into his fighting stance. "Get. Out. Now." he added menacingly.

"Nah, I really need to try this," Naruto said carelessly, making the seal. "Sexy Jutsu!"

POOF!

When the smoke cleared, it revealed a slim, toned naked young woman, clouds swirling around her form, barely hiding what had to be hidden, but revealing pretty much everything else. She had sparkling brown eyes, brown bangs, and her hair was pulled into two identical buns on the top of her head. She was spinning a kunai deftly around one finger.

The girl winked at Neji, blowing him a kiss.

"Neji-kunnnn," the girl, who was actually Naruto purred. Her resemblance to a certain kunoichi was uncanny, though she still had Naruto's face and his impish smile.

Tenten, who had been spinning a kunai on her finger in a motion identical to Naruto's, promptly dropped the kunai, gasping, her chocolate brown eyes wide.

Neji seemed to be choking, and his face was flushed, one pale hand clamped over his nose.

Naruto smirked as he saw a trickle of blood emerge from between his fingers.

Neji was pointedly avoiding Tenten's eyes, and the kunoichi in question looked extremely shocked. However, Naruto noticed a smirk was tugging at her lips, and decided that it was time to make his exit.

Neji would thank him soon...

"Well I gotta go, it seems my jutsu's working just fine, bye guys, have fun with your – training!" Naruto called, grinning a bit perversely at the last bit before he fled into the forest.

Jutsu perfected, Naruto thought smugly, let's see how that bastard holds up…

xoxoxo

"Ready, dobe?" Sasuke asked challengingly across the clearing.

Their sparring match was about to begin. Sakura and Kakashi were sitting on a nearby tree branch, Kakashi's masked face buried behind his handy book, and Sakura watching in interest.

"Believe it!" Naruto shot him a dazzling grin, before charging ahead.

Sasuke immediately activated his Sharingan, red flooding over his eyes.

Excellent, Naruto thought smugly, now he'll record this, and won't ever be able to forget!

"Sexy jutsu!" Naruto yelled, and there was a poof of smoke.

"NARUTO YOU IDIOT!" Sakura screeched from her perch, "STOP USING THA – oh," she gasped, breaking off

"Ba-baka!" Sasuke stuttered, flushing heavily as he staggered back, "What the fuck – what do you –" he choked, unable to properly formulate a sentence.

"Sasuke-kunnn," Naruto purred, batting his eyelashes, his green eyes twinkling. He bit his lip twirling a strand of pink hair around his finger, leaning forward and practically thrusting his very feminine figure towards the retreating Uchiha.

"U-usura-tonkachi," Sasuke managed to spit out the insult, his red Sharingan eyes spinning wildly as he took in Naruto's complete transformation.

He raised his hands, covering his nose, and Naruto smirked.

"I win," he informed Sasuke, winking.

He didn't notice Kakashi, who had now turned his back to the battle, muttering something along the lines of 'horrifyingly inappropriate' and Sakura, who had recovered from her shock and was now advancing on him, a mad gleam in her eye.

CRACK!

"Aaaaargh!" Naruto howled, clutching his head.

"YOU PERVERT!" Sakura screamed, "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?"

"But I – I didn't!" Naruto whimpered, fending off her blows, "I swear, it wasn't me! It was teme there!"

"Sasuke-kun didn't do anything," Sakura hissed, "You're just gross and disgusting. He was just sitting there and – how could you do this to me Naruto? I'm your – teammate!"

"He did!" Naruto wailed, as Sasuke watched the fight, wide-eyed, attempting to stem a nose-bleed.

He was suddenly thankful for the Sharingan; he'd have this image imprinted into his mind for eternity.

"My jutsu modifies itself to suit the user's taste in woman, remember!" Naruto screeched, dodging a chakra-powered punch, "I can't control the transformation, but his dirty mind does!"

He pointed accusingly at Sasuke, who was still staring ahead dazedly.

Sakura froze, mid-punch, and whirled around.

Sasuke was staring ahead, his flaming cheeks contrasting with his pale complexion. His Sharingan was still activated, and the pinwheel was spinning continuously.

"Sa-Sasuke-kun," Sakura ventured, her heart racing, "Is it – is it true?"

Sasuke, however, didn't pay her any attention, and continued to stare at Naruto. There was an emotion swirling in the turbulent depths of his Sharingan eyes – Sakura didn't dare think that it was lust. Her stomach lurched wildly, considering the possibility.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura tried again, before rolling her eyes, "This is ridiculous…"

She stomped on the ground, opening up a small chasm, and Sasuke and Naruto both stumbled forward, breaking eye contact.

"Sasuke!" Sakura shrieked, "Look at me, damnit! I'm the real Sakura! Naruto, you baka, transform back!"

Sasuke finally did look at her, only after Naruto had transformed back to normal. He shook his head for a moment, before realising what had happened.

"Sakura," he began, voice cracking, "I-"

"Is it true?" Sakura asked, her voice wavering, "What Naruto said about the jutsu being controlled by the opponent's –" she broke off, unable to say the word 'desire' in front of him.

"Of course it is," Naruto cut in, "Why would I lie?"

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura pressed, biting her lip.

Sasuke sighed, averting his gaze, before nodding slowly.

"Hn."

Sakura's heart leapt and she thought her knees would give away underneath her, as she struggled to control herself.

"Naruto, Kakashi-sensei," she muttered, "Could you-"

"I'm hungry," Naruto said immediately, "I'll be at Ichiraku's! Seeya later, Sakura-chan, Sasuke!"

Kakashi had already disappeared without a word, and Naruto also seemed in a hurry to get away.

"Alright Naruto," Sakura cooed sweetly, her pseudo honeyed tone promising death, "But don't think I forgot that this jutsu was your idea in the first place…"

"Y-yeah," Naruto nodded, scratching the back of his head nervously.

He looked desperately at Sasuke, who had now deactivated his Sharingan. Sasuke just shrugged back, smirking silently.

"Oh, come on bastard, put her in a good mood," Naruto muttered to himself, speeding out of the clearing.

Hopefully, if Sasuke handled the situation well, Sakura would be to ecstatic to clobber him at dinner.

xoxoxo

"So, um – Sasuke-kun," Sakura began hesitatingly, "Um – I –"

She barely had time to think; nearly a millisecond later, he was behind her, his breath warm on her neck.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, eyes widening as she remembered a night from years ago.

"Sakura," he murmured, his lip brushing the shell of her ear, "No point denying it now, thanks to that dobe..."

"Wha-what are you talking about," Sakura's heart sped up, and she could hardly believe her ears.

"I think you figured it out," Sasuke murmured, his voice impossibly husky.

"I- I can't be too sure," Sakura gasped, as his hands came to rest at her hips, his hard chest brushing against her back.

"Come on, Sakura," he breathed, "You've always been smart..."

"Sasuke-kun..."

Suddenly, Sakura felt strong hands on her shoulder, and she was turned around, rather forcefully. She saw his eyes, dark onyx, clouded with lust – before Sasuke pulled her towards him, covering her mouth with his own.

His lips were soft, yet demanding, and he kissed her quite thoroughly, his arms coming to wrap around her waist. Sakura felt electrified – she knew it wasn't chidori, but she felt as if hundreds of little sparks were flooding through her body. It was incredible.

After the shock finally settled, she wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him back, her stomach fluttering wildly, her heart pounding as if she'd just run from Suna to Konoha without stopping.

They kissed for quite awhile, before Sasuke pulled away, smirking slightly.

Sakura blushed, smiling shyly at him.

"Come on," Sasuke said, his fingers finding her own, "There's a certain idiot we need to find..."

"Oh, of course," Sakura nodded, before blushing harder, "Though – I think we should thank him, Sasuke-kun..."

xoxoxo

By the time they'd reached Ichiraku's, Naruto, who was blushing vividly for some reason, had already entangled himself into a worse situation; one that involved a furious, bloody-nosed Kiba, a stammering and blushing Hinata who looked ready to faint, and a livid Hiashi Hyuuga with his Byakugan blazing.

xoxo

xoxoxo

xoxo

A/N

Ooh that was fun =) I know Neji and Sasuke are somewhat OOC, but to hell with it!

As usual, I couldn't decide on ShikaIno or ShikaTema, so I kept both =P A bad habit of mine.

Anyone get what had Kakashi so flustered in the beginning?

Please review!

xx

HighQueen