written for the Teabagging Twilight Contest.
Wherein Bella Comes To Hate MSNBC
(based on a true story, I'm sorry to say.)
Chief Swan had become political.
A life-long avowed member of the "Not Gonna Vote For Anyone Whose Commercials Interrupt My Baseball Games" Party, Charlie spent the fall of 2008 caught up in the wave of Obamarama that was sweeping the nation. (Rousing oratory could do that to a person.) He went to rallys. He knocked on doors. Also, he discovered that he loved - *loved* - Jon Stewart. He had even been known to switch away from a perfectly good hockey match in order to watch The Daily Show.
Over the months, Jon Stewart led to Keith Olbermann, who Charlie had liked more as a football commentator but still enjoyed. Keith Olbermann led to Rachel Maddow. Charlie thought she was hot.
Rachel Maddow led to the worst conversation of Bella Swan's life.
"Can you help me with this?" Bella struggled to lift a stack of books without dropping them on her foot. She loved their new apartment - their being the operative word, she would have loved a cardboard box if she got to live in it with Jacob Black - but she had to admit that living on the third floor without an elevator was a bit of a disadvantage. Her legs ached and her arms trembled with all the effort of moving laundry baskets full of random crap up the stairs. (At least Jake had moved all the furniture.)
"Here, honey." Jacob grabbed the books out of her hands right before they fell into the entryway. "Why don't you let me do the rest of it?"
"It'll take forever if it's just you," Bella grumbled, collapsing onto the couch. "I can't believe Quil and Embry bailed on us. I thought real friends helped you move."
Jake decided not to mention that it was fear of Bella's anal-retentiveness that had kept them away.
Bella's cellphone started to ring. She pulled it out of her pocket - the screen said Dad Cell - and answered. "Hey, Dad."
"Hi, Bella. Have you heard about all these tea party protest things?"
Bella managed not to groan. Politics were fine and all, but Charlie had gotten obsessed. "I read the papers. Sounds kinda stupid."
"They call themselves teabaggers."
It took a hard bite to her lip to keep Bella from snickering. "Yeah. I heard that."
"I was just watching Rachel-" Charlie referred to Maddow by her first name these days "-and she had someone on there who said teabagging is actually when-"
Bella bolted upright on the couch. "Yeah, yeah," she said hastily, "I know."
Jacob gave her an odd look. Everything okay? he mouthed. Bella waved him off.
"You knew that?" Charlie sounded surprised.
Oh dear God. "Um, yeah, Dad. What do you think everyone's been giggling about for the last month?"
"I knew there was a joke I wasn't getting. Jon Stewart's been going on about it... But apparently teabagging is a sexual act where one man puts his testicles-"
"YES, Dad, I know, I know." Bella flushed. "I know what teabagging is."
Jacob's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.
"Oh." Charlie paused. "So all these guys at these protests saying they're going to teabag Obama-"
"-are really talking about-"
"Yep." The fact that Charlie couldn't see her did not stop Bella from turning lobster-red.
"Huh. I suppose you kids all know what that stuff means."
"Guess so." Oh, please lord, let it be over-
"So you knew it was when testicles-"
"OH MY GOD YES I KNEW."
Jacob was on the floor, wheezing with silent laughter. Bella threw a pillow at him. It didn't help.
"Oh, okay. I guess I'm just kind of out of the loop. I mean, it's not like I don't know what other things mean, like rimjobs-"
Abort! Abort! "Dad, how are the Seahawks doing?" Bella asked desperately.
"Terrible. The forward's got this injury..." And thankfully the conversation moved on.
(It took Jacob fifteen minutes before he was able to stand, eyes streaming with tears. Bella did not fix him dinner that night.)
A/N: 90% of this conversation was real. I'm still in therapy.
Also, please don't comment on the politics. It's just fanfic, guys, that's not what it's about.