*Disclaimer: The main characters in this story are property of AIC, Pioneer, & Viz Comics. The original 'Who's on First' was created by B. Abbott & L. Costello. All the other characters were created by me, so any similarities are just dumb luck so please don't sue me.
** Author's notes:
Since the new baseball season is about to be upon us. I decided to revive an old vaudeville comedy skit by the legendary comedy team Abbott & Costello, but with an added touch of Tenchi Muyo. To those who don't particularly follow Baseball, I hope that you'll find this bit funny nevertheless. Please ENJOY!!
Who's on First Tenchi? – by Alighthawk
It's Friday afternoon on the first weekend of spring. A bus pulls over at its last scheduled stop and as the remaining passengers boarded off, we see a young man climbing out with an overstuffed sports bag. His face and hair full of dust while his white t-shirt and blue jeans covered with dirt and chalk.
As Tenchi Masaki makes his way thru the dirt path that led to his home by the lake, he spotted the familiar Cherry Blossom Tree that a certain cyan space pirate loved to spent time in. At this particular moment, the tree's branches were unoccupied, but that's when he knew that at any moment he will be playfully attacked by the one person he considered to be his best friend.
Suddenly, a light breeze sailed over his head and that's when he began his silent countdown: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
"TEEENCHIII!!!!" Squealed out Ryoko as she glomped all over her love. Even though he tried to brace himself, her tackle landed them both on the ground.
"Y'know Ryoko, you could have just phased next to me and just give me simple hug."
"But I missed you ssooooooo much Tenchi. Can I help it if I get carried away when I see you."
"Yeah, well one of these days your 'affections' is gonna put me in traction."
"Aw pooh, you're no fun sometimes you know that?" Ryoko gave him those puppy dog's looks like she was being scolded.
Seeing those sad golden eyes made the kid slightly guilty, so as he got up and offered his hand to help Ryoko up, he extended his right arm out so she can slip her left arm around his and walked back together without any further incident.
As they leisurely strolled along, Ryoko couldn't help but notice his big sports bag.
"What's in the bag Tenchi?"
"Oh, just my baseball equipment. Y'know my glove, bat, balls and my cleats…"
"I really don't see the big deal about this 'baseball'. C'mon, wouldn't you rather be home, cuddled up with me than getting yourself dirty and sweaty over a little white ball?"
"Uh, well I appreciate the offer Ryoko, but I like to play the game. It's fun and I get to spend some time with my other friends at school."
"Well I still don't see what's so fascinating about this game…"
"That's really too bad Ryoko. It would've been nice to share something in common with you other than swordfighting and saving the universe from time to time…"
Ryoko's nose wrinkled as she gave thought to Tenchi's last remark. Even though she loves him with all her heart and maybe he did as well, there were alot things that she really didn't know about him. Maybe if she understood one of his hobbies and even to pretend that she liked it, it might draw them closer together.
"So Tenchi, is this baseball stuff for your school? You're trying out for the team?"
"Nope, dad's company is sponsoring the local boys in a corporate league and some of the guys from school and the nearby residential districts signed up. Since dad is putting up the money for the team, he asked if I wanted to be manager."
Ryoko's ears perked up and an idea formed inside her devious mind.
"Say Tenchi, how's about I join your team? I'm sure that I can help you win and all…"
Tenchi's face cringed at the thought of his cyan friend playing on his team. The idea of a superpowered alien girl playing amongst normal humans had disaster written all over it and while he didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her no, he had to find a solution to the dilemma she put him in.
"What do you think Tenchi? Can I join? All I need is a few hours to learn the rules and the players and I'll guarantee you that we'll beat the stuffing out of everyone that's goes against us!"
"That's what I'm afraid of Ryoko…" Tenchi sighed, but then an idea hit him…
"You're right Ryoko, before you can play for my team, you definitely have to know the players."
"I certainly do and since you're the manager, you should know all the players on the team…"
"I certainly do…"
"Well Tenchi, since you know that I've never met the guys, you'll have to tell me their names and then I'll know who's playing on the team."
"Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me that players now-a-days like to use very peculiar names."
"You mean funny names?"
"Yeah Ryoko, strange names or nicknames…like Dizzy Dean…"
"Yeah, or his brother Daffy…"
"And their French cousin…"
Tenchi looked at Ryoko strangely, "French cousin?"
"Yeah, Goofe'. Heh-heh."
"Ha-ha, good one Ryoko. Well anyway, let's start with the players on the infield…"
"That's where you got those three white bags and players running around to score right?"
"Very good Ryoko! There're called bases. Anyway, let's start with first base…"
"Ok let's see…we got Who's on first, What's on second and I don't know on third…"
"That's what I want to find out."
"I said Who's on first, What's on second and I don't know on third."
Ryoko stopped and scratched the back of her head, "Excuse me Tenchi, are you the manager?"
"And you're gonna be playing too?"
"And you don't know the player's names?"
"Well I should…"
"Well then, Who's on first?"
"I mean the guy's name."
"The guy on first…"
"The first baseman…"
"THE GUY PLAYING FIRST!"
"Who is playing first Ryoko!"
"Tenchi, I'm asking you Who's on first."
"That's the man's name."
"That's Who's name?"
"Well go ahead and tell me damn it!"
"That's it Ryoko…"
Ryoko stopped for a second, with utter confusion on her face. Tenchi covered his mouth so she couldn't see him giggling at the sight of his friend's futile attempt to figure out his riddle.
"Look Tenchi, you gotta first baseman?"
"Who's playing first?"
"And if you pay off the first baseman after every game, Who gets the money?"
"Every yen of it."
"Look damn it, all I'm trying to find out is the guy's name on first base…"
"That guy that gets…" Ryoko stops herself as she looked at Tenchi for confirmation.
"That's it…go ahead."
"Who gets the money?"
"He does; every yen of it. Sometimes his girlfriend comes and collects it."
"Yes. Anything wrong with that?"
Ryoko once again started to scratch her head in confusion. She pulled out a bottle of sake and took a swig full into her mouth. She decided to try again…
"Look Tenchi, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?"
"That's how does he signs it?"
"That's how he signs it…"
The cyan girl takes a double mouthful of sake in order to calm herself. She doesn't know if Tenchi's messing with her or she's actually missing something…
"Look you, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base…"
"No Ryoko, What is on second base…"
"I'm not asking you Who's on second base…"
"Who's on first…"
"One base at a time damnit! You're confusing me!"
"Well don't change the players around Ryoko."
"I'm not changing anybody!"
"Take it easy Ryoko."
"Grrrr…I'm only asking you, Who's the guy on first base?"
Ryoko let out a sigh, I just agreed who's on first base and I still don't know who the hell he is!
"Ok, What's the guy's name on first base?"
"No Ryoko, What is on second…"
"I'm not asking you Who's on second…"
"Who is on first…"
"I don't know Tenchi…"
"He's on third, we're not talking about him."
"Now how the hell did I get on third base?"
"You mentioned his name…"
"If I mentioned the third baseman's name, Who did I say is playing third?"
"No Ryoko, Who's playing first…"
"What's on first base?"
"What's on second base…"
"I don't know…"
"He's on third."
"There I go, back on third again. You're messing with me Tenchi."
"No I'm not, Yes I am", Tenchi snickered to himself.
"Damn it Tenchi, would you just stay on third base and don't go off it?"
"Alright Ryoko, what do you want to know?"
"Now Who's playing third base?"
"Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?"
"What am I putting on third?"
"No Ryoko, What is on second…"
"You don't Who on second?"
"Who is on first."
"I don't know…"
"THIRD BASE!" They rang out in unison.
I'm really gonna hurt this guy if he's messing with me Ryoko promised herself as she once again tried her luck with Tenchi.
"Look Tench, you got a outfield?"
"The left fielder's name?"
"I just thought I'd ask you…"
"Well, I just thought I'd tell you Ryoko…"
"Then tell me Who's playing left field?"
"Who's playing first…"
"I'm not…DAMN YOU…stay out of the infield!!! I want to know What's the guy's name in left field?"
"No Ryoko, What's on second…"
"I'm not asking you Who's on second!"
"Who's on first…"
"I DON'T KNOW!!"
"THIRD BASE!!" They shouted in unison once more.
"God damnit Tenchi, stop confusing me!!"
"I'm not trying to confuse you Ryoko, I'm just telling you where the players are."
Ryoko sighed as she kept trying to get this right, "The left fielder's name?"
"Oh, he's centerfield"
Ryoko slapped her forehead, Shit, here we go again…
"Look Tenchi, you got a pitcher on this team?"
"The pitcher's name?"
"You don't want to tell me today?"
"I'm telling you right now Ryoko."
"Then go ahead."
"What time what?"
""What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me Who's pitching?"
"Now listen Ryoko, Who's is not pitching!"
"I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first!! I want to know What's the pitcher name?"
"What's on second."
"I don't know…"
"THIRD BASE!" Together once again.
As Ryoko finished the last of the sake, she vowed to torture Tenchi if she ever found out that he was doing this at her expense. For now though, she defiantly tried again…
"Let's see…you got a catcher?"
"The catcher's name?"
"Today…and Tomorrow's pitching?"
"Now you got it Ryoko…"
"Great, all we got now is a couple of days on the team."
Already pissed, Ryoko tries to change tactics on Tenchi…
"You know Tenchi, I'm a catcher too..."
"You don't say?" Tenchi's left eye brow perked up, Tackling is more your specialty I'd say.
"Yeah, I've seen it done. All I have to do is get behind the plate and do some fancy catching. Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter decides to bunt the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and throw it to Who?"
"Hey, that's the first thing you've said right Ryoko!"
"I don't know even know what the hell I'm talking about!"
Tenchi had to cover his mouth before he could burst out laughing. Ryoko, already exasperated from all this was starting to turn red. He tried to settle her down by putting his hand on her left shoulder, reassuring her that's she finally getting it.
"That's all you have to do Ryoko."
"Is to throw the ball to first base?"
"Now Who's got it?"
Ryoko slowly nodded her head as if she finally grasped the names of the players and their positions. Now she was going to push her luck…
"Look Tenchi, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now Who has it?"
"Yeah Ryoko, naturally."
"So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally…"
"No, no…you throw the ball to Who!"
"That's what I said…"
"Well you're not saying it…"
"I throw the ball to Naturally?"
"You throw the ball to WHO!"
"That's it Ryoko."
"That's what I said!"
"You ask me…"
"I throw the ball to…Who?"
"Now you ask me Tenchi."
"You throw the ball to Who?"
"Same as you! Same as YOU!! I throw the ball to Who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to Tomorrow, triple play! Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a damn!"
"What did you say Ryoko?"
"I SAID I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!"
"Oh…that's our shortstop."
Ryoko hit the ground face first as Tenchi laid out an impish smile. Gotcha!
**Ok, ok…so it could have been better, but I'm just doing this for laughs. I would have put Mihoshi in it, but she probably would have figured it out.