WELCOME to Arkham Asylum!

So you finally did it, hmmmm? Realized that everything in life is COMPLETELY RANDOM and totally arbitrary and everything out there is really just one big JOKE?

Good for you! Hope you had fun while you were at it! Now, folks, let's all give the new fish a nice, big, Arkham welcome!

Aren't you flattered?

You should be. We've got the absolute best of society here, not to mention the spiffing service! They've got all the amenities: luxurious beds with feather-down mattresses, complimentary mind-altering drugs, and my favorite, the ever popular electroshock relaxation treatment. Not to mention the food, which is quite frankly tantalizing. Ooh, you're just going to love it here!

What's that? You're a little nervous? Not sure you're, uh, up for the task of socializing with the Gotham's most interesting elite?

Not to worry! Uncle Joker's here with a handy-dandy helpful GUIDE TO ARKHAM ASYLUM, co-written with several of my illustrious colleagues. All you have to do is send three easy payments of $59.99 plus shipping and handling and a hacksaws or two to The Joker, Arkham Asylum, Block C (with a C; make sure you spell it right.) Or you could threaten to dismember a few guards until they let you see the rough draft. That works too.

So kick back, relax, and try not to make eye contact with the psychopath in the corner. You're in for a treat, folks! Let's start with the basics: WHO'S WHO.