Disclaimer: Unprofitable fanwork.
Continued warnings for language, crack, and implied 58. However, if this chapter leaves you in still the dark, you have my permission to chuck coconuts at me: I want them for brownies. I'll say it one more time: NO PANDAS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FIC! Now do you get it? :D

Notes: Thank you all for your support in this foray of mine into getting my feet wet again. My reviewers have been wonderful and will be rewarded: although this fic is completed, my Monday-Thursday posting schedule will continue uninterrupted, at least for a while. Next up: Pay It Forward, which is not so cracky as this one (really, what could be?) but is neck and neck with Wicked Style and the October arc as my personal favorite Saiyuki my-fic.

Ceci N'est Pas Une Minus Wave

But their chauffeur was 'out of sorts' in the morning. Gojyo told Goku soothing, wise-sounding bullshit about post-traumatic stress. Sanzo suspected, though, from the jumpy way Hakkai kept eying him, that Hakkai had just out-slept Gojyo's reassurance. Whatever.

Whatever, except it was getting really fucking annoying. Hakkai alternately sniffed and snapped at him all day-just him. Goku and Gojyo, for whatever reason, didn't seem to be under his skin, whereas Sanzo was apparently encamped there with three weeks of supplies and not enough ashtrays.

When they had their Fight Of The Day (™), Sanzo got a long, nasty scratch on the shoulder. Hakkai, as usual, came up to him to fuss when everything was over. Less typically, instead of soothing the wound closed with his qi, he put his mouth down on it and sucked.

"What the FUCK are you doing?" Sanzo yelled, scrambling away from him in horror.

"Um," Hakkai stalled, licking blood off his teeth. He looked like he didn't quite know, either. "Ah, kissing it better?"

"I object," Gojyo said, wiping his blade off in the the grass. He was trying to be casual, but he looked really hurt under the suave face. Not that Sanzo cared.

"Keep your fucking crazy-ass vampire away from me," Sanzo snarled, and, as an extra precaution, wedged himself firmly into the back seat.

By the time Sanzo had to shoot Hakkai for real that night, even Gojyo had no objections.

"Damn," he said sadly, and then, "Oh, well. Stupid Minus Wave. Guess it had to happen sooner or later."

"So did this," Sanzo said, aiming at him with real pleasure.

"The hell?" he yelped.

"I only ever put up with you," Sanzo explained sweetly, "so he'd have someone else to nag. Scuttle away if you want to live, cockroach."

Gojyo scuttled, but not fast enough. Sanzo got him in the back at twenty paces.

"That was kinda mean," Goku noted, his mouth full of meat buns.

"So?" Sanzo demanded.

Goku just shrugged. "So you want his Hi-Lites, or should I toss 'em?"

Sanzo felt a beatific smile creep over his face, pillowing his hands under his head and relaxing back into the blankets. "I think," he said carefully, letting his eyes slip closed, "that it's going to be a very good day."

"How much it pains me to disillusion you!" a furious murderer brightly lied, mercilessly shattering sleep's comforting fog.

Sanzo sat bolt upright as the youkai twitched the curtains open with unnecessary force, flooding the dingy inn room with grey morning light. "What the...?" he gasped.

"Good morning !" Hakkai caroled, already dressed, his eyes snapping emerald venom. "How nice to see you awake! Did you sleep well? I'm so glad, since you'll be driving today ! Goku, Gojyo," he warbled, flinging the door open with a bang, "guess what? Sanzo's driving us today! Isn't that nice? Why don't you two go order breakfast? Sanzo says you should make sure to order anything you like ! "

"YAY!" he could hear Goku say, and under it, a cranky, "Woo-frickin' hoo."

His head reeling, Sanzo put his hands down to brace himself. The blanket was hairy and rough under his palms. "Since when am I driving?" he snapped, more or less automatically.

"Since," Hakkai trilled cheerfully, smiling diamond poniards at him, "your maniacal cackling kept me up all night. Since I had to get up at three twenty-nine in the morning to take your revolver away from you before you shot anything besides the light fixture!"

Sanzo looked up. Shit.

"Since the manager of his inn-which, by the way, here's an educational fact, has extremely cold floors at night and doesn't provide slippers-came pounding up at three thirty-one to find out who was shooting firearms in his inn in the middle of the night and was convinced it was me, since you were sound asleep. Only since then, Sanzo !"


"Yes, oh! Precisely! Oh. Oh is exactly right! I'll see you in a few minutes at breakfast, Sanzo. And then I won't see you at all, because you will be driving and I will be catching up on my rest. I think Gojyo's lap will make an excellent pillow, and I'm sure you'll drive very smoothly, won't you? "

Groping for his dignity, Sanzo threatened, "If you suck that horny kappa off right behind me, I'll shoot you both."

"I'm sure that's a very comforting thought," Hakkai fired back with the nastiest pleasant smile Sanzo had seen since that time Ukoku Sanzo came to visit his master.

(They might have been able to prove he'd spiked the weed if Koumyou had given his authority to the investigation right off instead of smiling it off in favor of origami sessions with the purple crocodiles, and by the time he was back to, er, 'normal' all the silverware was gone.)

"And I hate, as I've said before, to disillusion such a dear friend, but, regrettably, the long and the short of is is that, well, you see—Oh! I'm so unspeakably downcast at having to be the one to to tell my respected patron such unpleasant news!—but the bitch of it is, Sanzo-sama," he sang beatifically, glinting like Gojyo's shakujou on the fly at noon in August, "I still have your gun."

Sanzo waited until the door was closed before he dropped his head in his hands to groan, "My karma stinks."

It was probably his imagination, but he could have sworn that faintly, through the crack under the door, he heard Gojyo call, "Nah, that's just your underwear!"

[This is the end of Kawaii no Sanzo-chan's Lovely Dream. Really. It is. Stop looking at me like that, Hakkai. ...Uhh, Hakkai? Hakkai? -GOKU, YOU LAZY-&$$ PIECE OF $#!% SARU, GET THAT GODDAMN GUN!]