Said and (not quite) Done
Outtake 1: Banana tears
A/N: Thank you for all of your "Said and Done" outtake suggestions. I have quite a list compiled and clearly have my work cut out for me. However, to start, here is the outtake requested by more reviewers than any other...the SaD sad tale of how Edward made Jasper cry over a banana at the supermarket, as first referenced in SaD chapter 21.
A few quick notes about these outtakes in general:
1. If you haven't read SaD, I suggest doing so before reading the outtakes. I'm not sure they stand alone very well.
2. Unless explicitly stated otherwise, please assume that Edward is a vampire and Jasper is human.
3. This story is rated M and, as always, Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize.
Thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing and thank *you* for reading. :)
If Jasper could have chosen any time not to have gotten a Charlie Horse, it would have been when he and Edward were engaged in a bit of modified sixty-nine loving. (Edward, venomous as ever, was content with a very careful hand job while Jasper was being sucked to within an inch of his life.)
But life wasn't so kind to Jasper in terms of timing. So, tangled up in Edward's limbs, squashed against the back of the couch, and bent at a rather odd angle to ensure open access for his vampire lover, Jasper got just that: An incredibly unfortunate, incredibly thorough, and incredibly painful leg cramp.
As Jasper knew, the best thing to do in such a situation was to walk it off immediately. But convincing Edward to remove his lips from Jasper's cock took so long that by the time Jasper finally managed to get off the couch, his poor right calf was in sorry shape indeed. He would walk with a limp for the next three days.
Now, Edward absolutely abhorred any occurrence that a.) hurt Jasper and b.) kept him from catching up on 90+ years worth of missed sexual experiences. So he was steadfastly determined to never, ever let a leg cramp get in their way again.
Edward, interpreting the injury to mean Jasper was hypokalemic, decided a trip to the grocery store was in order. If Jasper needed more potassium, potassium he would have.
Jasper agreed to go along, hoping to purchase some Frosted Flakes for breakfast the next morning seeing as he was almost out of Fruit Loops.
So as soon as Jasper was able, the two got dressed and found their coats and began to head to the car. It was slow going, thanks to Jasper's limp, but the rather cranky, sore Jasper refused to let Edward carry him.
Edward was not to be deterred, however, so eventually he just picked up Jasper despite his protests, and carried him to the Volvo and child-locked him inside. Very reasonably, Jasper refused to talk to Edward during the ride and instead scowled out the window.
Once at the supermarket, Jasper hobbled along after Edward, using the grocery cart as a crutch. Luckily, as far as Edward was concerned, they didn't need to go further than the produce section, where Edward began loading up the cart.
"This will be your dinner," Edward said, tossing in several heads of leafy greens and no fewer than 14 tomatoes. "And this is breakfast," he added, adding six pounds of oranges and seven grapefruit, while Jasper frowned and looked longingly toward the cereal aisle, wishing Frosted Flakes were as high in potassium as Romaine lettuce.
Meanwhile, Edward was still filling up their cart. "This is for lunch and dinner Thursday," Edward said to himself, adding three cantaloupes.
At that, Jasper finally spoke up, certain they'd had this conversation in the past. "Oh, I don't like cantaloupe."
"Oh, I know," Edward commented. "That's why I only added three."
"No, Edward. I really hate them. Even one is too many," Jasper insisted.
"But, Jasper, blueberries don't have enough potassium. You need the cantaloupe," he replied, ignoring the steam that had started rising from Jasper's ears.
"No," Jasper said, taking the cantaloupes out of the cart and putting them back on the shelf. "I need you to hear me. No cantaloupe."
But as soon as Jasper's back was turned, Edward sneaked one of the melons back into the cart and hid it under the mounds of tangerines before he moved in the direction of the bananas.
"Okay, and a banana or two with every meal for a week. Let's see, plus a few extras, I think. There, that should do it," Edward said, adding eight bunches to their growing pile of fruits and vegetables.
Jasper looked at the bananas, then at Edward, back at the bananas and then again at Edward. He shook his head, and starting returning bunches to the display shelf. "There's no way I can eat that many, and definitely no way I want to. This is a waste of—"
But then Jasper stopped, having uncovered the stowaway cantaloupe. "Edward, what's this?" he asked, trying to remain calm.
"Oh, that's lunch on Wednesday," Edward said off hand as he started to pull out his phone to Google whether dried fruit contained as much potassium as the fresh variety.
"I. Said. No!" Jasper lost it then. "No, No, No, No, No!" he said, tossing tomatoes and bananas from the cart at Edward with each word. "Why don't you ever listen to me?" he cried before finally chucking the cantaloupe at Edward's head.
Edward, despite being a vampire was lucky to catch the melon at all, seeing as hands were becoming quite full.
But Jasper wasn't dwelling on Edward's ability to juggle produce. Instead, he was fighting the tears that pricked the corner of his eyes.
"You never listen!" Jasper continued, removing the remaining produce from the cart and setting it down on top of a nearby display of onions and potatoes.
"Jasper, don't be silly," Edward said more than a little condescendingly as he started to put the bananas, tomatoes, grapefruit and the cantaloupe back into the cart. "You're bruising your fruit. You don't want to damage your dinner!"
"It is NOT my dinner!" Jasper yelled, trying not to cry outright now in frustration and pain as he started hobbling off in the direction of the frozen pizza. He was thinking that after the day he'd had, he at least deserved this indulgence. After all, his leg hurt, he was stressed about an upcoming paper deadline, and now Edward was simultaneously ignoring him and trying to force feed him various tropical fruits.
Yes, he was definitely getting pizza, Jasper decided. Besides it had tomato sauce, so Edward could deal.
But before Jasper could even finish the thought, Edward had caught up to him, wrapped him up in his arms, picked him up and then placed him in the now empty shopping cart, after which he rapidly pushed Jasper toward the store exit. Assuming Jasper's outburst was indicative of low blood sugar, he snagged a bag of chocolate chip cookies from a shelf on the way to the exit. He tore open the cookies and put one in each of Jasper's hands and a third in his mouth before they'd even left gotten to the checkout area.
But as Edward pushed his grocery cart full of very stunned Jasper toward the exit, he realized that it might not have been a blood sugar problem at all that caused Jasper's outburst. In fact, he ultimately decided that Jasper also had hyponatremia, known for causing both cramps and severe irritability. So he made sure to snag a particularly salty bag of pretzels on the way out of the store, which would help correct this particular deficiency as soon as he could feed them to Jasper.
As they passed the checkout area, Edward shoved a $50 at a cashier; the bill would more than cover the cookies in Jasper's hands and the bag of pretzels as well as the four bananas, two tomatoes, and one cantaloupe he had managed to stow in his various pockets and inside his coat.
Unbeknownst to Edward, by the time they reached his Volvo with the shopping cart, Jasper had formed a solid, if not particularly mature plan to teach Edward a lesson for treating him like a child.
Jasper promptly climbed out of the carriage with the box of cookies, limped over to the car, and threw open the door. Then, while Edward returned the cart to the front of the store, Jasper dumped the entire box all over the floor of the Volvo, crushing several with his fists as they fell.
Edward, of course, didn't care for crumbs, and he especially didn't like them in his car. But then, Jasper didn't like being dismissed, so his reaction was more than reasonable, he decided as he smashed three cookies in the glove compartment and one into Edward's preferred cup holder.
"What are you doing?" Edward gaped at Jasper, who was busily wiping chocolate chips on the windshield when Edward returned to the car.
What Jasper was doing was having a complete meltdown. But he didn't tell Edward that. Instead, he ignored Edward and started to shove a cookie into the CD player when Edward finally grabbed his wrist to stop him.
"Jasper! Stop! What are you doing?" Edward yelled.
"I'm not listening to you, just like you didn't listen to me," Jasper replied, struggling ineffectually against Edward's grip. "Let me go! You're not my parent!"
"Well then stop acting like a child!" Edward cried.
The glared at each other until Jasper's eyes again started to water and he sniffled and collapsed against the crumb-filled seat, trying not to let his eyes overflow a second time. Edward, sensing his CD player was no longer in danger, released Jasper's wrists and caught him up in his arms.
"I don't like cantaloupe," Jasper mumbled into Edward's neck.
"Shhh, okay," Edward said, comforting him, his anger evaporating in the presence of Jasper's bright teary eyes, red face, and pouting mouth. "No cantaloupe," he added, sneaking the melon he'd surreptitiously purchased out of his jacket and setting it on the pavement outside the car.
Jasper nodded, looking up in time to hear Edward sigh as he surveyed his Volvo. "I'm sorry about your car," he grimaced.
"Sorry I wasn't listening," Edward frowned. "But um, would you mind if we stopped at a car wash on the way home?" Edward was certain there was no permanent damage, but that didn't mean he wanted the crumbs ground further into the seats.
Jasper sniffled and nodded. "My leg hurts."
"I know. I'm sorry," Edward hugged him tightly before releasing him to go get in his side of the car while Jasper buckled his own seatbelt and tried not grind any additional crumbs into the floor mats with his feet.
"Look, I'll eat a banana when we get home, and I can have another on my cereal tomorrow morning. But that's plenty. And you have to back off." Jasper said, as Edward tried to see through the cookie-smeared windshield enough to drive home by way of the car wash.
Edward thought about it for a second. "Make it four bananas, two tomatoes, and some pretzels over the next four days, plus you have to help me wash the car," he negotiated, thinking of both the contents of his pockets and how Jasper would look in a wet t-shirt with soap suds in his hair. (Edward, of course, would be cleaning the interior himself, trusting no one else with such a task.)
Jasper nodded, starting to cheer up already now that he was off his injured leg and no longer facing a week of diced melon lunches. Edward's offer was fair, he decided. Besides, he liked pretzels and it would mean he'd get to witness Edward vacuuming the Volvo's interior, or as Jasper thought of it, wielding a large, thick hose while engaging in serious sucking action.
By the time the car was fully cleaned, t-shirts were wet, hoses were handled, and both of their minds were dirtier than Edward's Volvo had been. Before they even made it back to campus Jasper ended up experiencing Edward's suction capabilities first hand, and even Edward's own banana received some TLC.
And sure enough, Jasper kept to his promise to eat the bananas Edward purchased for breakfast—and he made sure to do so as provocatively as possible, which led to more than one occurrence of post-breakfast coitus.
In fact, it was a long time before Jasper could even think of the potassium-laden fruit without simultaneously getting hard and tearing up, though at least he never got another leg cramp.
Next up: Some first time vamp/vamp lovin'.