A/N: This is a really different type of story for me. First, I want to thank my Beta and Pre-Reader mustlovertp, for her unwaivering support of this fic! She was my cheerleader, my rock and my confidante while writing this. She kept me on track and dealt with my sudden change of plots like a pro and gave me a lot of great idea's and advice! This story is as much her as it is mine!
PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING BEFORE MOVING ON TO THE STORY!
*WARNING* This story deals with a serious illness. I am not a doctor and have not consulted with a doctor on this story. All symptoms are based on research and Q&A's with people who lives this illness has touched. Some symptoms have been exaggerated to fit the storyline. I mean no disrespect to anyone living with this disease.
*DISCLAIMER* I OWN NOTHING TWILIGHT!
"Bella, come on! Please!" my best friend Alice begged. "You haven't been out with us in ages. It's just one night!"
I love Alice, I really do. But her hyperactive ass is starting to wear on my last nerve.
"I'd love to Alice. Almost as much as I'd love to bump uglies with a porcupine...but I can't." I sighed, before turning my attention back to new the manuscript I was proofreading.
"That's it!" my other best friend, Rosalie boomed. Ripping the manuscript out of my lap and holding it over the fireplace. "Get in the fucking shower Bella or the book gets it!"
"It's a manuscript." I mumble, defensively. "It isn't officially a book until it goes into print."
Rosalie inches closer to the fireplace with manuscript. Watching from this angle, it gives the illusion of the flames licking at the bottom of the pages.
"Fuck! Fine! You win!" I shout, throwing my hands up in the air. "I'm going!"
I haul my sweat pants covered ass out the chair and head towards the bathroom, cursing under my breath.
"Kiss your father with that mouth?" Rosalie yells from the living room. That little comment earned her the finger...she laughs at me.
I climb in the shower and spend an extra 15 minutes in there, just to piss the girls off. My skin is water logged and pruned. Good, have fun painting those nails, you evil Pixie!
I walk into my room and am directed toward a chair and am told to sit. Alice immediately starts to work on my hair. Her mission...to see how much she can rip out before I shove the brush up her ass.
"Son of a bitch, Alice!" I yell. "I would like to have some hair when you're finished."
"No worries, Bells." Rosalie says, without looking up from filing her nails. "You have enough hair on your crotch that we can shave it down and make a toupee if the need arises!"
"I haven't had a sascrotch since 10th grade, Rosalie. Let it go, already!"
"That's a hard visual to let go of without therapy, Bella. I had to shave your crotch OVER your bathing suit! Do you know how hard it is for hair to poke through spandex?" Rosalie shudders at the memory.
"Well excuse me for being raised by a dad who didn't know it was abnormal for his only daughter to be covered in rogue body hair!"
I have no choice but to defend my father, Charlie. After my mom died when I was two, he was on his own. Luckily my mom got me potty trained before the cancer spread. Otherwise my dad could have been traumatized for life. As it was, he depended on Rosalie's mom and the ladies around town to school me in the ways of a woman.
As Chief of Police in the small "blink and you miss it" town of Forks, Washington, my father didn't have the faculties required for raising a daughter alone. Most girls played with Barbies...thanks to Charlie, I had Transformers. Optimus Prime just couldn't pull off a sarong the way Malibu Barbie could...sigh.
"Done!" Alice sang, pulling me out of my memories and back to the present.
I looked in the mirror and hardly recognized the woman wearing my bath robe. She had glossy brown hair that hung past the middle of her back, which Alice had pulled back into a high pony tail, with wispy long side swept bangs. Her eyes were dark brown and were highlighted by the smokey eye make-up, Alice gave her. Her full pouty lips were shining with lip gloss that had just a hint of pink to it.
This stranger in the mirror was beautiful!
As I tried to find myself in the woman's reflection, Alice pushed a pair of skin tight, black leather pants at me, a black halter top with tiered ruffles and a pair of black patent leather Loubitons and said "Dress"...shooing me towards the bathroom.
I had to admit...I looked hot! This was one of the few times I was thankful for thongs. Anything else and I would be picking a permanent wedgie out of my ass all night!
As we made our way out of my apartment and towards the parking garage, I finally asked the question that had been plaguing me all night.
"Alright. Who is he?" I just know these conniving bitches are planning to set me up. I can smell a blind date from a mile away.
"He's your soul mate, Bella. I can feel it!" Alice smiled, as she opened the passenger side door to my baby.
"I still can't believe you bought this, Bella!" Rosalie laughed. "You're only 5'2, yet you have this humongous black 4 door Jeep Rubicon. Where do you keep the step ladder?"
"I've always wanted a Jeep, you know that. I told you when I moved to Seattle and got my dream job, I was going to get one. And I did!"
"Yeah...but damn, Bells! I have to get a running start to get into it!" Alice complained.
"They are called running boards, Alice. Use them!"
"So, enough bitching about my ride. Tell me who he is or this train isn't leaving the station!"
"You're such a fucking baby! Would it kill you to meet someone new?" Rosalie fumed.
"Ha! The last time I heard that, I was set up with Jasper's cousin who, by the way, suffered from chronic gastro intestinal issues! So yeah, it would and almost did, kill me to meet someone new!"
"Oh come on!" Alice huffed from the passenger's seat. "Derek wasn't that bad. I still maintain that if he'd ixnayed on the cologne that night, his ass wouldn't have had other odors to mingle with."
Rosalie and I stared at Alice before we all finally dissolved into laughter.
"Why the fuck am I just hearing about this guy?" Rosalie spit out between giggles.
"I told you about him!" I laughed. "I had too. I had borrowed your coat that night and when I returned it, you accused me of having B.O.".
"Oh shit! That's right!" Rosalie howled from the back seat! "I had to dry clean that fucker twice!"
Once we had all pulled ourselves together again, I pulled out of the parking garage and headed toward the club we were going to called "Eclipse". I had never been there before. It was fairly new and was owned by some guys around our age. It was the new "It" club of Seattle. It's supposed to be really edgy, catering those whose musical taste has never progressed past the late 70's and early 80's.
"Seriously guys. You have to give me something! Who is he?"
"OK" Alice sighed in defeat. "You know Jasper's best friend, Edward? Well, he's a bartender at the club we are going to tonight. I've wanted to set you guys up for awhile, but up until recently, Edward was unavailable."
"Shit, Alice! Please don't tell me that I get to play the fucking rebound girl!" I screeched, as I seriously considered turning around.
"No!" Alice assured me. "Edward didn't give a rat's ass about her. If anything, he's relieved to have Jess gone!"
"Bella, seriously, I've seen Edward before. He's fuckhot, girl!" Rosalie vowed. "When Emmett and I went to the club with Alice and Jasper last week, he was bartending. I swear he makes the best Royal Butts in the world!"
Still not sold, I pushed for details. Let the interrogation begin!
"Hair?" I asked.
"Bronze colored sex hair!" Alice smiled.
"Green...like holy mother of fuck, green!" Rosalie smirked.
He actually sounds kind of yummy so far.
"He's between Jasper and Emmett. So I would say about 6'2...6'3 maybe." Rosalie said.
"Tall... but solid muscle! It's not beefy muscle like Emmett though." Alice described, deep in thought. Probably imagining him without a shirt on.
"What the hell, Bella!" Alice and Rose yelled in unison.
"Hey, shoe size determines girth! Everyone knows that!" I chuckled.
Twenty minutes and three road rage induced tantrums later and we were finally at the club. We walked right past the long line of assholes waiting in the queue and went right inside.
We checked our coats and purses and made our way towards the bar. Emmett and Jasper sat perched at the end of it, waiting for us.
"Fuck Bella! Did you paint those pants on, girl?" Emmett yelled over the music.
"Sure did, Em! Didn't I do a great job shadowing and contouring my camel toe?"
Just then I heard a velvety chuckle come from behind me. I turned and found a really tall hella hunk standing there. He had a strange bronze shade of sex hair that stuck up in all directions and the greenest eyes I've ever seen...Edward.
"I told you she was a Fire Cracker, Man!" Emmett chuckled over the roar of the club.
"You must be Bella?" Edward smiled, raising his voice so I could hear him over the house music pumping through the place.
"And you must be Edward?"
"Do you always answer a fucking question with a question?" he laughed.
"Do you always creep in on people's conversations?"
"Touché." he smiled.
"Yo Eds...Where's my brew, Bro?" someone shouted from the other end of the bar.
Edward rolled his eyes, "I'm not your Bro and if you ever fucking call me "Eds" again, I'll stick my cock in your brew."
I know I can be a vicious, life sucking bitch. But I love this man and would gladly give up my first born to have him between my legs.
"Yo Bella!" Edward was now waving his hand in front my face.
"Hm? What?" snap out of it, psycho!
"Where the fuck did you go? I asked you what you wanted to drink."
"Right. Um, I don't know. Surprise me!"
He shot me a heart stopping smile then, "OK, I'll be right back with your Screaming Orgasm."
"Need some help with that?"...God, I'm retarded.
Edward walked back down the bar and started mixing different liquors together. He caught me staring and shot me a quick and knowing wink.
Fuck, this man makes me stupid!
I look to my right and am face to face with four of the smuggest people on the planet.
"I told you so..." Alice sang, clapping her hands like a kindergartener getting praised for using the potty.
"Don't pat yourself on the back just yet, Alice. He's just making me a drink. You know...like doing his job!"
"Shut up, Bella!" Jasper chimed in. "I've known Edward for years. He's so into you, it's not even funny."
"Oh gee, Jazz. A bartender trying to get into the pants of a girl with a painted on camel toe. Yup, that's definitely true love!" I say, rolling my eyes and down playing his assumptions.
As much as I want Edward to like me, I refuse to get my hopes up.
"Bartender?" Emmett and Jasper asked together completely confused.
"Yeah...you know, someone who stands behind a bar making drinks!"
I make a mental note to steer clear of whatever drink these morons are drinking.
"Edward isn't a bartender." Emmett says. "I mean he is...but that's not all."
"Yeah, Edward is what you'd call a "Trust Fund Baby". Fucker doesn't need to work, but does anyway." Jasper chuckles. "He co-owns this place with Jacob Black. He only works the bar because he's bored!"
A Richey who isn't afraid to work? Excuse me while I go wring my panties out.
"He's got your work ethic, Bells!" Rosalie laughs.
"Can it, bitch. I may be obsessive when it comes to my job, but no one is going to pay my bills but me!"
I look over my shoulder and see Edward walking back down the bar towards me, with some kind of turquoise blue concoction in his hand.
"You idiots have two seconds to go disappear on the dance floor, before I break out the Boomerang Shoe!" I yell at the four them, shooing them away from the bar.
"Ohhhh, not the Boomerang Shoe!" Emmett mocks, as he grabs his drink and escorts Rose into the crowd.
"Good luuuccckkkk." Alice sings and then follows Jasper onto the dance floor.
I need to go have Alice looked at. Everything that comes out of her mouth sounds like church bells. It just isn't right!
"Screaming Orgasm?" Edward asks, as he sets the neon colored drink down in front of me.
"With any luck..."
God! My mouth needs a muzzle!
Edward openly laughs at me. Fucker!
"So what do you do, Belllaaaa?"
"I'm a Book Editor and you need to spend less time with Alice. You're doing that sing songy thing she does and it irritates the crap out of me!"
He looks at me, shock clearly written on his face.
"Book editor?" he asks. "Like someone seriously pays you to read their shit and fix all their mistakes?"
"No, I actually do it for sexual favors. Sure it means I have to dumpster dive for meals, but hey, I get off easy on the taxes...no pun intended…" I snark back.
Edward laughs and shakes his head. "I like you, Bella. You're a habitual smart ass and I could see that easily getting old after awhile. But it's entertaining as hell."
"Well, I am glad that I entertain you. Fuck knows I got all dressed up, just so I could come down here and amuse you!"
"You cuss a lot."
"Yeah? Fuck you!"
Edward is leaning on the bar, howling with laughter. It takes him 10 minutes to compose himself.
"Do you talk like that at work?" he chuckles.
Is he nuts? "Hell to the no! There's a time and place for everything."
"Ah, the two faces of Bella. I like it." he snickers.
"I'm not two faced."
"I never said you were, Princess."
Yeah, it's definitely time to steer this conversation away from me.
"So what about you, Eddie? What are your secret vices?" I ask, as a take of sip of the drink he made me. It's fruity, with a slight alcohol burn. Yup, definitely one of those drinks that sneaks up on you.
"Well, I fucking hate to be called, Eddie." he hisses.
"Hit a nerve?" I smile.
"So you own this place?" I ask, trying to get more out of him. I am suddenly desperate to find out what makes this guy tick.
"I'm a silent owner. The less involved I am the better."
"Not really. I just don't like strings. I'm nobody's fucking puppet."
Well, that explains what went wrong with, Joan? Jane? Joanne? Oh fuck it. What do I care what the bitch's name was.
"Nothing. You are just a walking contradiction is all."
"How so?" Edward asks, as he leans against the bar with his arms crossed across his chest and eyes narrowed. The darkness of the impending anger he is about to unleash on me, is the best aphrodisiac in the world. Kind of like chocolate, Tequila and edible underwear all rolled into one.
"Well, you don't like or want strings...yet you live off a trust fund. You know, money you didn't earn or have to work for? It would seem to me that living off of someone else's hard work, would be a pretty big tether for your "Free Spirited" lifestyle."
I watched as his eyes narrowed into slits. "If looks could kill" suddenly comes to mind.
"I don't just live off my Trust Fund." he growls. "I also have the income of this place."
Ha! Nice try, dude. But you're not dealing with an idiot. Time to call his ass out.
"Yes. But then one would have to ask where you acquired the funds to buy into a place like this to begin with. I'm guessing there wasn't a loan involved." I smile innocently. Batting my eyelashes as I take a dainty sip of my drink.
"Fucking bitch" he mumbles, as he stomps off behind the bar.
If I didn't know better, I would say that Edward Cullen just had a temper tantrum. Aw, how cute was that?
I spin around on my stool and spot Rosalie, Alice, Jasper and Emmett all grinding on each other out on the dance floor.
I take a huge gulp of my turquoise goodness and go to hop down and join them. I feel a hand on my shoulder stopping me.
"Not so fast, Princess." Edward says. "You don't get to throw a grenade into my life and just walk away. I'm not done with you yet."
He pulls a bottle from behind the bar and tosses a bowl full of limes up on it as well. He walks around the bar and comes to sit on the stool next to me, holding up the bottle and two shot glasses.
"It's time to play 20 Questions, Princess. You wanted inside my head, then it's only fair to let me make a fuckery out of yours. If you pass on a question or get caught trying to lie, you take a shot. Those are the rules."
Fuck me; he has a bottle of Patron. Truth serum at its best...liquid courage at its worst. This motherfucker doesn't play fair.
"I'll play. But if I wake up alone tomorrow with a lubed up asshole...you'll pay dearly."
"You talk like you've taken it up the ass by a top shelf Tequila before? Bitter much?" he smirks.
"Not personally. But I've heard stories."
"Urban Legends?" he laughs.
Shut up, you big sexy Doucher! Now that he is no longer behind the bar, I take the opportunity to ogle him from the waist down.
He's wearing a pair of well worn, washed out jeans that sit deliciously low on his hips, a pair of black Converse and a worn Ramon's t-shirt. What he is wearing is good...very good. But it's the chain hanging from his hip that attaches to his wallet, the studded belt and black leather cuff on his wrist with some kind of crest that makes me damp and drool a little. However, what really does me in is when he reaches over the bar, grabs a black Fedora and plunks it down on top of his head.
My fucking thong just burst into flames.
"Ready?" he asks, breaking the spell I found myself under.
I grab the bottle of Patron, pour two shots and slide one over to him.
"Here's to getting to know you." I say, holding up my shot glass to clunk it with his.
We both toss back our shots without breaking eye contact. I would say that it was the sexiest fucking thing ever, but there was nothing sexy about this. This was a show down. Who was going to extinguish the burn in their throat with a lime first?
I wipe my mouth on the back of my hand...because I am low rent seductress.
"You forgot the salt." I say, daring him to take a lime.
"Salt is for pussies" he retorts with a smirk, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack of Marlboro Reds.
"Fucking cheater!" I wail. "You can't douse the burn with a cigarette! Plus you're not even supposed smoke inside!"
"Watch me." he winks, and then pulls out his Zippo and lights his smoke.
Figures he is one of those smooth fuckers that can smoke, talk and drink while a cigarette dangles precariously from his lips.
"Me first." he exclaims, refilling the shot glasses.
I give it up and go for a lime. Oh sweet, sour mercy on my throat.
"I thought the fucking ladies went first." I mumble, still sucking on my lime.
"Well, as much as you swear, I am still not entirely convinced that you are a lady. So me first."
"So Bella. How old are you?" he asks, quirking one eye brow.
"Weak!" I laugh. "But if you must know, I just turned 22 two days ago."
"An infant," he snorts. "But wait. Don't you like need a degree to be a Book Editor? Are you still in college or something?"
"Nope." I say, popping the "p" and still sucking on my lime. "I graduated a year ago."
He shakes his head in shock. "How?"
"Simple, genius. I graduated High School a year early and took college courses year round. It took me 2 ½ years, but I finally got my degree." shrugging it off as no big deal.
"Wow! I never would have pegged you as a brainac."
"I resent that, fucker!" I quip. "Now it's my turn. How old are you?"
"22," he smiles.
"But I'm an infant?"
He just shrugs and chuckles. I want to lick his face. Where did that come from?
"Tell me something about yourself that no one else knows." he says quickly.
"OK, well. I read an article on Tourettes when I was 15 and had actually convinced myself that I had it. I even went and talked to the school psychologist about it. But as it turns out, I didn't have Tourettes. It appears I just have a really dirty mouth and no social filter."
Edward has his head on the bar, smacking the top with his hand, howling with laughter. He tries to look up at me several times and get control, but it doesn't work. One look and he just laughs harder.
"Go ahead, asshole. Get it out of your system. I'll wait." I say sarcastically. Spinning on my stool to look out on the dance floor. Alice see's me and gives me thumbs up. I flip her off and look away.
"Oh my god...you kill me." he stutters, while wiping the laughter induced tears from his eyes.
"OK, wise ass. Your turn. What happened between you and Jennifer?"
"Yeah, your most recent ex."
All the humor in his eyes disappears in an instant.
"Who the fuck told you about, Jessica?"
Jessica! My bad! Fuck, I wasn't even in the ball park on that one. I'm so bad with names...not really. It's more like selective memory. I choose to fuck names up. It pisses people off.
"Um, Alice?" it comes out as a question.
He looks over his shoulder in the direction of the dance floor and scowls.
"Jessica wasn't the one. End of story."
"What? That's not an answer!" I protest.
Edward angrily tosses another shot back and slams the shot glass back down on the bar, quickly pouring another shot and slamming that one back too. I must have hit a nerve. My bad.
"So you honestly are not going to tell me?"
"No." His green eyes burn into mine, the finality that he isn't going to have this conversation with me, is evident.
Too bad for him I'm a people pusher and I don't intimidate easily. Bella Swan ALWAYS gets what she wants. And right now, she wants in on all of Edward fucking Cullen's secrets! All of them! She doesn't even care if she gets buried alive under an avalanche of bones when she opens his closet door.
I make a mental note to stop referring to myself in the third person and then adjust my position on my stool and give him "The Look". Ya know, the one that clearly says, "Game on, Motherfucker.".
He pales under the weight of "The Look" and swallows hard. Oh yeah. He knows he's totally fucked!
Do we love it or hate it?