A/N: Well, we've seen the conception of all the other kids. So it's only natural that Chance have his turn! :)
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mustlovertp...show this woman some mad love! She stayed up until 2 a.m pre- reading this chapter for you, so I could get it out to you as soon as possible!
*DISCLAIMER* I own nothing Twilight!
"Well, from the looks of these tests, you have zero active sperm left." Dr. Brown said, throwing my chart on his desk. "I'd say resuming normal sexual relations without a condom is doable."
HA! Normal sexual relations! Bella hasn't let me touch her with a ten foot pole! The most action my cock has seen lately, is when I jerked it into the little plastic cup for these tests! She swore that it would be just our luck and the condom would break, before I could jack off and ejaculate out all the live sperm. No, the woman definitely wasn't taking any chances.
"So you're absolutely, one hundred percent positive, that Edward can't knock me up again." Bella clarified.
"Zero active sperm, Mrs. Cullen." Dr. Brown sighed. "That's pretty conclusive evidence that there is no way that your husband can impregnate you. "
"Yeah, but what if there's one sperm in there and its hiding."
"Oh Jesus." I groaned, leaning forward in my chair and giving my hair a tug.
"Edward this is serious!" Bella wailed. "We have 3 kids at home already! Excuse me for wanting to be sure that your Super Sperm isn't impervious to sterilization procedures. Your juice split one of my eggs in two for Christ sake!"
"I've been clipped, tied and burnt!"
"So! They put the Grand fucking Canyon in front of Evil Knievel and he jumped it!" Bella explained, flailing her arms about dramatically, like she was the only one in the room being rational.
"Well, if you're that fucking worried about the procedure not working, then why did you make me go through with it? You could have had shit tied up on your end and been done with it!" I growled.
"Hello! Jumpers!" Bella yelled, throwing her hand out, motioning to my crotch.
"Mrs. Cullen." Dr. Brown coughed, drawing our attention back to him. "There is literally less than a one percent chance of you getting pregnant again by your husband."
Dr. Brown held his hand up, silencing Bella.
"I would also like to go on record and say that sperm cannot jump buildings in a single bound and they definitely cannot jump from one clipped, tied off and burnt seminal tube to another clipped, tied off and burnt seminal tube. It would actually have to find its way out of one and into the other for that to occur."
"I don't know." Bella mused, chewing her bottom lip. "Maybe I should get my tubes tied, just in case."
"Fuck this!" I muttered, digging my smokes out of my pocket. "I let this asshole cut my ball sack open, clip my gnads with cuticle scissors and then burn the fucking things with a soldering iron. If that isn't iron clad enough for you, then you need your fucking head examined!"
I stormed out of the office and stabbed the down button on the elevator. I heard the office door open and then close. I knew it was Bella, so I hit the down button again.
"Did you just double punch the down button?"
I laughed humorlessly without turning around. "Now is really not the time to be a smart ass!"
"I'm sorry, Edward, that I have genuine concerns about the effectiveness of your….procedure." Bella huffed.
Just then the elevator arrived and was loaded with five other people. I stepped on and Bella squeezed in behind me.
"My procedure!" I said lowly. "The guy wrapped a fucking rubber band around my dick and safety pinned it to my shirt to keep my cock out the way! Lets just call it what it really was…a mid-evil torture ritual still enforced by sadistic modern day housewives with too much fucking time on their hands!"
I heard the woman behind me gasp and the man standing next to me stifle a laugh.
"Yeah, laugh it up fucker." I growled. "Some day you're going to get married and then it's going to be you holding down the swelling with a bag of frozen peas."
The elevator dinged open when we arrived at the lobby. I didn't even wait for my wife. I just hauled ass for the nearest exit. If I didn't get some nicotine pumping through my veins right fucking now, I was going to go ape shit on someone.
I hit the revolving door and heard Bella's heels clicking in the compartment behind me. I was annoyed and needed to at least get my smoke lit before I had to deal with her. So when it was my turn to exit, I gave the door an extra hard shove, making it impossible for her to exit without getting thrown out on her ass. I smiled and flipped her off, as she jogged right on by with scowl on her face and ended up back in the lobby.
"Fucking bitch." I chuckled, lighting my cigarette. I felt my entire body relax, as I exhaled a nice big hit.
The clicking of heels on the pavement signaled the end of my temporary reprieve from stress.
"Edward!" Bella fumed. "What the hell was that?"
I didn't need to see her face to know that it was purple. It always went purple before she blew a gasket.
"Wheel of Fortune…you went bankrupt." I dead panned, walking down the street, toward the parking garage.
"Very funny, asshole!" she mumbled, her heels clicking faster as she tried to catch up to me. "You're so fucking insensitive, Edward. I've been traumatized by first carrying and delivering twins. Then by Godzilla Baby! I have legitimate fears of you getting me pregnant again! Every time you knock me up, it just gets worse! Next time it might be a three headed baby with a parasitic twin!"
"Because it's all my fault, right?" I laughed, turning on her, so she slammed into my chest. "Like my genes are the only ones defective enough to make your nightmares a reality! Sorry, sweetheart, but you've got some fucked up shit going on in your own gene pool. You want to know what my nightmares consist of? Jack…with your dad's porn stache! But you don't see me looking into electrolysis and grilling Plastic Surgeons about preventive measures!"
"You leave my dads mustache out of this, Edward Cullen!" she yelled, smacking me in the head with her purse and then storming off down the sidewalk.
Oh no she fucking didn't!
I flicked my cigarette away and run up behind her, chuckling in her ear.
"Well, well, well. Who's the little hypocrite that isn't taking my fucking concerns seriously?"
"That's not the same thing and you know it!" she snarled. "You're just being ridiculous!"
"And you're not!" I laughed hysterically, pulling her to stop and turning her towards me. "You compared my fucking sperm to Evil Knievel!"
"It was an example!" she screamed in my face stomping her foot.
We were attracting a crowd, but fuck if I cared.
"How can you even make that comparison? Like my sperm wouldn't be caught dead in a red, white and blue sequined polyester jump suit!" I roared back.
Bella stands on her tip toes and gets right in my face.
"Oh that's right! Edward Cullen's swimmers are too cool for polyester. They are totally hip and would be wearing denim and leather and riding a Harley like James Dean!"
"Damn straight, Princess!" I smile viciously…showing all my teeth.
"Yeah? Well, HE DIED IN A FUCKING HIGH SPEED ACCIDENT YOU FUCK HEAD!" she wails, kicking me in the shin with her pointy ass shoes and stomping off.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" I yell at the onlookers who are snickering at me, while I rub my shin like an idiot.
I run down the side walk and catch Bella around the waist at the parking garage entrance and flinging her over my shoulder.
She kicks and screams and demands that I put her down. When her monster heels get too close to my cock, I rip them off her feet and throw them over my shoulder.
"Edward! You fucking caveman! Those were my brand new, Marc Jacobs!" she cries, squirming even more.
"Stop it or I'll drop you on your ass!" I warn, giving her a smack on the ass.
She screams and struggles some more. Finally I'm tired of it and put her down.
"You know what, Bella. Just go. Take a cab, do whatever the fuck you want to do and go. I am always going to be the consummate fuck up in this relationship, so why even bother?"
I fish the keys to the Volvo out of my pocket and leave her standing there as I walk away.
I make it half way back to the car, when I am pelted in the back of the head by a shoe.
I turn around and dodge the other shoe that is being hurled in my direction.
"I can't fucking believe you!" Bella yells. "You're trying to make this all my fault."
"Trying to make what all your fault?" I mock. "I can't even fucking remember what the hell we're supposed to be fighting about!"
"Your dick!" she wails.
"Oh that's right. You want to put my dick in polyester."
Bella's face contorts; she sucks in a breath and looks like I'd slapped her.
"I'd never put anything in polyester, Edward! Do I look like Carol fucking Brady to you?"
"No, but you're sure as fuck acting like Jan right now. Except you're all, "Edward, Edward, Edward"!" I mock, doing my best impression of prepubescent girl.
"Jan was…she was the ugly sister!" Bella stuttered, narrowing her eyes and turning purple with rage.
"Oh no, Princess!" I defended, subconsciously cupping my junk. "I see where you're going with this and I said you were ACTING like Jan, not that you looked like her!"
"I hate you!" Bella growls, stepping around me and collecting her shoes.
I spin her around and pin her against the Volvo. She pushes me and tries to get away, but I hold tight, until all her fight is gone. I say nothing until she finally stops moving and is just reduced to heavy, out of breath breathing.
"A less than one percent chance." I say quietly in her ear. Reminding her of what Dr. Brown said and bringing our argument full circle. "I don't think you can get closer to completely sterile than that."
"I'm scared." she whispered, her voice crackling with emotion. "None of our kids were planned, Edward. It's like God is forcing all these babies on me. You know?"
"I do." I confirmed, pulling her into a hug with a laugh. "But I also know that we pulled a mind fuck on him and turned off the plumbing. Maybe now he can fuck with Emmett and Rose some more, until they run out of "Em" names for their kids."
As I stand there, wrapped in Edward's arms I think back on our argument and how completely ridiculous it was. We covered the gamut of everything "What the fuck" and here we were. Kissing and making up in a dirty parking garage. I couldn't contain my laughter.
"What?" Edward smiled pulling back.
"Oh nothing!" I snorted. "Just imagining your cock wrapped in a polyester condom!"
"Great Bella." Edward huffed, rolling his eyes. "Make my couch look like my Nana's davenport. That image isn't a cock killer at all."
My hand drifted down his chest and grabbed his package.
"Didn't seem to kill your cock, did it, Mr. Cullen?" I teased, licking the underside of his jaw and up to his ear. Where I tugged on the lobe and licked the shell.
"Baby, you don't want to start what you can't finish." he warned. "You haven't shown Little Eddie any attention in weeks. He's getting desperate."
I worked my hand down the front of his pants and teased his dripping head. I swirled my finger tip in the pre-cum and then brought it up to my mouth and sucked it like a lollypop.
"Yum!" I grinned around my finger.
Edward growled and ripped the back door open so fast, he nearly ripped it off the car.
"Get the fuck in the car, Bella."
I turned and ducked into the car. I was barely to the other side of the seat, when I was tackled from behind.
"I'm so fucking glad you wore a skirt." Edward growled, attacking my mouth and shoving it up to my hips, while ripping off my panties.
I broke my mouth free from his and pushed on his chest.
"Edward, I don't know that this is a good idea. Any pervert could see us."
"Tinted windows." he breathed, shoving his tongue back into my mouth.
Duh! Why didn't I think of that?
I pulled at the button on his jeans, but started getting frustrated. Trying to kiss Edward, stroke his cock and get him out of his pants, was just too much multi-tasking for me.
"Jeans." I mumbled against his lips. Pulling at the waist band to make my point.
Edward groaned and then sat up on his knees and tugged the button free. He pushed them down to his knees, then sat back in the seat and tried to get them to his ankles.
"Fuck, this car is small!" he noted, as he twisted around so his legs were swung over the front seat, as he tried to shove his jeans off his feet.
I didn't even wait for him to finish the job. I took one look at his dripping cock and my mouth watered. I dove into his lap head first and swallowed him down, until his dick hit the back of my throat.
"Jesus! Fuck!" he moaned, as his body involuntarily flexed and stretched out, causing his feet to hit the steering wheel and lay on the horn.
The noise startled us both and I gagged on his cock, before coming up for air.
"Sorry, Princess." he apologized. "I wasn't expecting that."
He maneuvered himself so he was entirely in the backseat again. Once he was situated, I grinned and motioned to his lap again with my eyes.
"By all means." he smiled, guiding my head back down.
I nipped, sucked and licked his cock and balls, until he was virtually fucking my mouth. It was wet and dirty…and I loved every second of it.
"I need to fuck you!" Edward moaned, pulling me off of his cock. "Please, Princess?"
I sat up and wiped my mouth, before laying back in the seat. I ran my finger through my wetness and then shoved it in his mouth.
"Fuck me, baby."
Edward let out a feral sounding growl and attacked me. Our teeth were clanging together, hands were everywhere and he was squirming around on top of me.
"Fuck the foreplay!" I moaned. "Just get inside me. I need you."
"I'm trying to!" Edward defended. "I'm too fucking tall for this seat. I can't get my shit lined up. Try scooting down some."
By this point, the windows were fogged over and there was humidity in the car. When I went to scoot down, my bare ass dragged across the leather seat and made a totally heinous farting sound.
Edward eyed me suspiciously, holding back a laugh.
"Don't you dare!" I chuckled. "It's the seat and you know it!"
I got into position and lined myself up with his cock. I have to say, sex in this car was awkward. Edward was above me and his nipples were in my face. His face was scrunched up against the passenger's side window and his knees were resting on the arm rest of driver's side door, with his feet pointing towards the ceiling.
Edward slipped inside me and we both moaned in unison. He looked down at me and frowned.
"Right about now I would kiss you, but…"
He didn't need to finish his thought. He couldn't bend inhalf to reach me and I was to preoccupied with trying to keep his rock hard nipple with a hoop in it, from taking my fucking eye out.
"Fuck Edward! Move!" I demanded, slapping his ass.
He started thrusting, but the force of it, caused me to slide against the seat and needless to say, the sounds created were anything but romantic. We started cracking up.
"Fuck, baby!" Edward laughed. "We gotta drown that shit out!"
He grabbed his keys off the floor and leaned into the front seat, without slipping out of me and jammed them in the ignition. The stereo came on and he stabbed the volume button until it was loud enough to make the car vibrate.
"Bonus!" he smiled back at me with a wink.
I pulled him back to me and he got positioned again. I gripped around his back and held on for dear life as he set a hard and fast pace.
I grinned up at him and then took his nipple piercing in my mouth and gave it a tug.
"Holy fuck, Bella!" he moaned, as his hips snapped into me hard and rough.
I was totally lost in sensation, when I thought I heard a weird robotic noise over the radio and Edward's dirty talking. My eyes snapped open and started looking around.
I pulled my head over to the side of Edward's body, so I could look out and over by where his feet where. What I saw nearly made me bust a gut.
The back driver's side window was going up and down in time with his thrusts!
"Edward!" I hissed, smacking his ass.
"Oh yeah, baby!" he moaned. "Smack my ass!"
"No. Edward, baby…" I tried again, slapping him harder and laughing.
"Oh you want it rough, huh!" he groaned, fucking me even harder.
That got his attention. He's hips quit moving and he pulled totally out of me, lifting up from me. He spotted my laughter induced tears and mistook them.
"What? What the fuck did I do?" he said. He's eyes roaming over me looking for injuries.
"Nothing!" I said, stroking his chest to calm him down, while wiping my eyes.
"Well then…what the fuck?" he sighed, in frustration.
"It's just that your knees are on the window controls and every time you thrusted, the window was going up and down. I am pretty sure the guy in the Hummer got a view of your bare thrusting ass!
Edward dipped his head down to my chest and I could feel him shake with laughter.
"Ready to give it up?" I chuckled, playing with the back of his hair.
His head snapped up and his eyes narrowed.
"Fuck, no." he growled, flipping us around so he was sitting in the seat and I was on top.
"Um, Edward." I cringed. "I don't think this is going to work."
My head was up against the roof, turned awkwardly and uncomfortably to the side.
"Lean back and use the console to support your upper body." he instructed.
Once I was in position, he slammed me down onto him.
"Holy fuck!" I wailed.
In this position, he was hammering my G Spot with every thrust.
"Hold on, Princess!" he grunted, snapping his hips up to meet my downward thrusts.
We got into a good rhythm and before long we were both moaning and groaning and Edward was talking some non-sense about owning my pussy.
I leaned back further and stretched over the console as Edward pushed my shirt and bra up…releasing the girls. They bounced in time with our fucking and this just made Edward that much more desperate for release.
"Mother fucker!" he wailed. "I'm fucking close!"
His hand snaked between us and he started frantically rubbing on my clit.
"Come on, Princess! Come with me!"
That desperate plea was all it took. My back arched so hard, I thought I might snap in two, as my pussy clenched and pulsed, milking Edward dry.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he groaned, falling limply back into the seat.
Once we had caught our breath. We got ourselves rearranged and Edward got his pants back on. As I was pulling down my skirt, I felt the evidence of our lovemaking running down my leg.
"Um, can you get in the glove box and hand we the wet wipes?" I cringed.
Edward retrieved them and handed them over to me, with a sly smirk.
"What are you smirking at, Mister!" I frowned, as I cleaned myself up. "If you knocked me up, I'll be slapping that grin right off your face!"
Edward lit a smoke, then leaned back so his head rested on the back of the seat and closed his eyes.
"Less then one percent chance, baby." he breathed. "Trust me."
Love it or hate it? mustlovertp and I laughed our asses off! I hope you did to! Leave me some love! :)
OH! BTW...the bit about the rubber band and safety pin to hold his dick out of the way during the procedure...totally true! That's what they did to my husband when he had his vasectomy. I was laughing so hard, I was asked to leave the room! :)