The Romance Chronicles

Alex/Isabel

Angel

by

Princess McPhee


Disclaimer: Not mine. Jason Katims, UPN, etc, all not me.

Author's Note: I am in love with Sarah McLachlan's songs, and they're just perfect for the never-ending angst of Roswell's relationship, so I decided to do a piece on it. Thus 'The Romance Chronicles' were born. Each piece is standalone, but they all belong to this series, and are all based around a piece of SM music.

Author's Note 2: This is weird, having a song in a letter. So, let me know if it works, please?

Rating: PG

Summary: Right after she marries Jesse, Isabel writes a letter to her true love.


December 1, 2001

Dear Alex,

You've been gone almost nine months now.

There's not a day, or an hour, that goes by, that I don't think about what we were, what we could have been, and most of all, what I regret.

I wish I didn't believe in second chances, because it's only making it all this much harder. If I could just get it through my skull that you're gone, maybe I'd finally heal.

As it is, I think about you too much for the scars to face. It's like a scab, and every time I think about him, I'm picking at it. In this way, it's never going to heal, so I'm never going to get a scar to fade. I'm never going to get a scar at all. It's just an old, festering, too-long open wound.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

At night, Jesse's arms close around me, and I try so hard not to think of him as you. Most nights, it works, and I take whatever little comfort I can get from the love of a man I don't love back.

Not the way I loved you.

I don't know why you've stopped visiting me. I miss you. I used to see you all the time, before the summer. Then you went away. Was it Jesse? I'm only trying to move on, like you told me to. I'll never be over you, if that's what you're worried about.

And I'll never be over you even if you do stay away forever, if that's what you're worried about. I know you, Alex, and I know that you could stay away til the day I die just to get me to try and be happy with someone else, and not remember you.

It won't work.

The only time I'm happy, Alex, is when I'm in your arms. And the only thing that keeps me sane are the occasional visits you pay to me in my dreams, despite the fact that you never show up when I'm conscious anymore.

I can tell the difference between a dream I thought up and a dream where you're really in it, Alex. You shouldn't underestimate me, you've known me long enough now.

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an angel
May you find some comfort there

I haven't told anyone that I see you sometimes. Of course, Maria and Liz would be wildly jealous. Max would ask me if I was alright, and worry. Michael would probably tell everyone to get off my back, but he'd worry too. If I told another human, they would probably send me to a mental ward.

And I'm sure as hell not going to tell Jesse.

So your secret is safe with me. I'm not sure if you're allowed to come visit me, since it happens so infrequently. I mean, if the dead and the living were allowing to interact all the time the way you and I are, then there really wouldn't be any loss when the person died, would there? You could still talk to them and be with them forever.

I confuse myself sometimes.

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
And keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

I sleep a lot, looking for you. I want to see you, Alex. I miss you. But there's more to it than that. I've never really, truly been in love before. Maybe this is just the way you feel after you lose someone you were in love with.

But I think there's something more. Something that makes this special. Something that keeps us tied together for a strange, unknown reason.

All I want is to keep living my life, for you, but I don't really want to, Alex. I promise I will, but I can't say I'm dreading the day I get to come and see you. I'm not hoping for it either, though. There are still people here on earth for me. People who I can't leave yet.

People whom I have tremendous obligations to. But not people who make me want to live, like you did.

But none who's heartstrings are attached quite so strongly to my own.

It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

I never believed in a god before. I'm an alien, how can I? I know things that can't be explained by any kind of religion. But if there's no god or heaven or hell, then why didn't you disappear after you died? Why do you still exist, even if it's not on my plane, with me, where I wish?

I guess I have some people, or rather, some gods, to thank.

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie,
May you find some comfort here

I hope you're happy, Alex. There's nothing I can do about you being gone, though I play that night over in my head again and again. I can't believe we didn't see it until it was too late.

But that was months ago, and even I, pessimist that I can sometimes be, can't hold onto the guilt forever. Now, it's more like there's just a big, aching hole in my chest. The place where the heartstrings that attached you to me tore out a part of my chest when you died.

I wish you well, Alex, and I wanted to tell you I'm trying. I'm trying to go on, for your sake. I'm trying to learn to love again, for you.

I'm trying to honor the memory of our love in the only way I know how. Please understand that.

You're in the arms of an angel
May you find
Some comfort here

Love, Isabel


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