Author's Note: I am unashamedly hopping on the Glee Facebook bandwagon. This story is complete crack, makes no sense, has no real plan, and I'm just making stuff up as I go along. You can assume canonical events through Season Two, but some I'll alter or choose to ignore. I'm pulling surnames out of my ass, and fanon!Wes and fanon!David give me tingles, so say hi to them. Also, since this story is by me, just know that everyone wants Kurt. Because everyone does. And you know it. Don't even front!

Kurt Hummel Blood races to your private spots, lets me know there's a fire. You can't fight passion when passion is hot. Temperatures rise inside my sugar walls…

Mercedes Jones O_O WHAT? Boy, you best be answering your phone in a hot minute, or I'ma pull your small intestine out your nostril and use it to skip rope.

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Rachel Berry Kurt, this is very suggestive. I never knew you could be so provocative! I find myself strangely titillated.

Santana Lopez No surprise there, Berry. I'd imagine you have titillate yourself in strange ways frequently. We all know Finn's not getting the job done.

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Finn Hudson I don't understand what this means.

Santana Lopez One word, bitch: mailman.

Artie Abrams I don't think I want to know.

Quinn Fabray You really don't.

Tina Cohen-Chang *blinkblink* Aw, hell to the naw! My eyes! MY EYES!

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Finn Hudson I'm moving.

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Blaine Rothschild Santana, it might interest you to know that Kurt doesn't even know what a mailman is. ;)

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Santana Lopez Oh, I know. I love a man with a slow hand. A slow, baby-soft hand that knows how to crook its fingers *just* right.

(Quinn Fabray, Brittany Pierce, Mercedes Jones and 3 other people like this)

Blaine Rothschild LOL! Wait, what?

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Santana Lopez :D

Kurt Hummel Oh, dear.

Tina Cohen-Chang The hell? Where was I during this FingerFest?

Mike Chang

Tina Cohen-Chang STFU, Mike!

Mike Chang I didn't say anything!

Matt Rutherford Dude, silence speaks a thousand words.

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Rachel Berry Matt! We miss you! Also, you talk? Er, type?

Brittany Pierce Matty!

Puckasaurus Puckerman Sup, bro?

Santana Lopez Did Rutherford just quote a Debbie Gibson song?

Rachel Berry Deborah Gibson is an undersung talent!

Mercedes Jones I swear to anything you want to name, white girl, if you start singing "Electric Youth" during the next rehearsal, I will claw out your eyeballs and sell them to Jewfro so he can put them in little jars and carry them around so that your eyes will always be on him.

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Kurt Hummel I would advise you to exercise caution, Rachel. That threat is far too detailed to be considered merely idle.

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Kurt Hummel But in all honesty, I share your fondness for Miss Gibson.

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Puckasaurus Puckerman Dude, I'm like, so disappointed.

Santana Lopez Hummel, I'm pissed off. One, your dubious fanboy ways have forced me to agree with Puck. PUCK. Two, Debbie Gibson? *sigh* I have to rethink our relationship.

Brittany Pierce Sanny, are you breaking up with Kurty?

Santana Lopez *Kanye shrug* Mebbe.

Blaine Rothschild Breaking up with him? You're not even with him!

Kurt Hummel Actually…

Blaine Rothschild O_O WTF?

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Santana Lopez Choke on it, hobbit.

Blaine Rothschild I'd love to, but for some reason I can't get close enough to do that. Maybe it's because my BOYFRIEND is apparently dating YOU?

Sam Evans Hold up. Boyfriend? When the hell did that happen?

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Burt Hummel I'd like an answer to that myself.

Kurt Hummel Dad, I love you more than anyone, but if you try to chase off every boy who wants my hot, lithe body, you're never going to sleep again.

(Blaine Rothschild, Sam Evans, Puckasaurus Puckerman and 482 others like this)

Burt Hummel *goes to lie down*

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Artie Abrams Why does Kurt have so many Facebook friends?

Kurt Hummel I'm awesome.

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Blaine Rothschild You stay out of this, Evans.

Sam Evans The fuck?


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Will Schuester Pardon my interjection, but why aren't more people interested in the fact that Kurt is apparently dating Santana?

Finn Hudson They're not really dating, Mr. Schue.

Brittany Pierce Right. Just like San and I were never really dating. Or like Kurty and I never dated.

Will Schuester WTH? Also, did Brittany just use sarcasm? Effectively?

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Brittany Pierce I haz skillz! :D

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Rachel Berry Mister Schuester! Did you just *swear* on Kurt's Facebook wall?

Sue Sylvester If that's what you consider swearing, UnFunny Girl, you're even more socially inept (and sartorially deprived) than I previously considered. Perhaps if you ceased your caterwauling for longer than it takes the follicles of William's hair to suck up the contents of Ewing Oil, you might learn something other than how to dress like a constipated Quaker schoolmarm suffering from both frigidity and nymphomania.

Mercedes Jones And that's how Sue (and everyone with an intact brainstem) sees it.

Sue Sylvester Outstanding. Aretha, there might be hope for you yet.

Finn Hudson Kurt, why are you friends with Miss Sylvester?

Kurt Hummel Because, my dear brother, she's delightfully evil, and so am I. In real life, Evil always wins. I'm a winner, and you're fat.

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Sue Sylvester Lady Face, I've never been prouder of someone without my genetic sequence.

Finn Hudson I am not fat! Kurt, you know how I feel about that. :(

Kurt Hummel *sigh* I'm sorry. Come here and I'll rub your head.

Finn Hudson :D

Blaine Rothschild Kurt, you better be referencing the one atop his neck.

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Carole Hudson-Hummel This is all very confusing. Finn, honey, what is this about the mailman?

Kurt Hummel That is definitely a topic for a private message, my darling stepmother.

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Finn Hudson *bursts into flame*

Puckasaurus Puckerman Little Dude tried to tell you were a flamer, bro.

Finn Hudson Fuck off, Puck. And you might as well give up now, because you have no chance with Kurt.

Puckasaurus Puckerman Wanna bet?

Finn Hudson Dude's my stepbro and I've gotten further with him than you ever will.

Kurt Hummel O_o Finn, how many times do I have to explain that just because you caught me when I fell out of the shower, it does not constitute second base?

Finn Hudson We were both naked, dude. ;)

Kurt Hummel OMG, we share a BATHROOM, doofus!

Finn Hudson Totally counts.

Kurt Hummel You do realize that now our parents will believe that we're having incestuous relations? WTG. *headdesk*

Finn Hudson *snicker* You said 'relations.'

Kurt Hummel Rachel Berry, come get yo boy before Mercedes Jones and Santana Lopez destroy him.

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Puckasaurus Puckerman He wants me, Hudson. Face it; everyone else has.

Kurt Hummel Actually, I already have a boyfriend…

Puckasaurus Puckerman … Dude. :(

Sam Evans He totally means me. :D

Blaine Rothschild You wish, Captain Clorox.

Kurt Hummel I don't mean either one of you. Now shut up.

Sam Evans Kurt, what are you saying?

Blaine Rothschild Dislike. :(

Wes Nguyen Kurt Hummel is even more interesting than I imagined.

David Anderson *nods* Kurt, why don't you come up to our room and tell us all about it? I have some etchings I'd like to show you…

Blaine Rothschild What the actual fuck?

Kurt Hummel David Anderson, unless those etchings are of Ryan Reynolds in a pair of spurs and nothing else, I'll pass. Besides, we all know the only book you want to show me has your trig homework in it, and I already said no.

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Wes Nguyen :(

David Anderson :(

Puckasaurus Puckerman Little Dude, you're, uh, FB friends with Miss P?

Kurt Hummel Of course, Noah. I'm no longer a student at McKinley, and as I trust Miss Pillsbury and value her friendship, I see no reason not to extend that trust to Facebook. Not to mention she's one of the few people in Lima who not only has good taste, but exercises it with abandon. Have you *seen* her husband? *fans self*

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Emma Pillsbury :D

Puckasaurus Puckerman Well, shit. Get it, Miss P!

Will Schuester D:

Kurt Hummel Noah, inappropriate. Do I need to spank you?

Puckasaurus Puckerman Hell yes.

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Tina Cohen-Chang Wait! Kurt, who the hell is your boyfriend?

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Matt Rutherford Um, hi. *waves*