Author's Note: Welcome back to another round of stupid insanity. Remember that Blaine, in this story, has a different surname from his canonical one, given that I started this prior to the canon reveal and I'm too lazy to go back and change it. Same holds true for Wes and David. Also, Blaine doesn't fare well in this chapter, so if you feel that will bother you, you should probably consider bailing now. No judgment. I just...really don't like that character. Darren Criss is love, but Blaine...not so much. And you know what that means: HEVANS! Well, at least some hints of it.
Also, Santana's a huge bitch here, just because she is and because Kurtana is totally canon, even if we don't know it yet. KURTANA IS EPIC AND WON'T BE DENIED. /soapbox
There's been difficulty for some readers with regard to this story's format. Apologies for that. Each chapter will usually begin with a status message from Kurt. Every subsequent post is a comment to that initial post. I hope that clears up any confusion. As always, I look forward to your comments. Klaine peeps, don't hate me too hard, kk? I totally respect your position. It's just that MY position is that Kurt and Sam need to be boning 24/7, sharing hot kisses with their enormous lips. Thank you, and god bless. xx
Kurt Hummel is single.
Matt Rutherford I can't believe they bought that so easily, K. *is smug* It's so hard being this awesome.
Kurt Hummel ^5 … but does that mean we can't Skype later?
Santana Lopez Wankyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Matt Rutherford Well… ;)
Kurt Hummel LOL! We really do miss you, Matt. Even though I'm at Dalton and Sam is wonderful, we miss you. Not just the singing and the dancing, but YOU. Try and get on Facebook more often, okay?
(Matt Rutherford, Mike Chang, Brittany Pierce, Rachel Berry and 12 others like this.)
Artie Abrams That was pretty good, guys; you totally duped us. Still, it does beg the question of just how close you two are, considering how quickly you worked this all out. I don't think I ever saw the two of you even speak to each other.
(Rachel Berry, Tina Cohen-Chang, and Puck Puckerman like this.)
Kurt Hummel They're called telephones, Arthur. Perhaps you're familiar with the concept? They allow two people in two different locations to speak to each other even across vast distances. There's also this nifty thing called e-mail…
Artie Abrams Don't call me Arthur.
Kurt Hummel Then should I call you He Bangs, He Bangs?
(Brittany Pierce likes this.)
Artie Abrams BRITTANY!
Brittany Pierce What?
Brittany Pierce Oh, yeah! Sorry. D:
(Santana Lopez and Kurt Hummel like this.)
Blaine Rothschild Kurt, that prank was cruel. I thought better of you. I'm very disappointed.
Kurt Hummel …wow.
Puck Puckerman Get a fucking sense of humor, dude.
(Tina Cohen-Chang, Finn Hudson, David Anderson, and Sue Sylvester like this.)
Santana Lopez Hey BLAND! Just STFU, you condescending Hot Pocket. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass, there might be room for Hummel in it. You wonder why he won't date you? Try speaking to him like he's an adult, not some errant child whose behavior you feel needs to be corrected. Stop scolding him when he fails to live up to YOUR expectations. You treat him worse than Schuester treats anyone who's not Berry or Hudson.
(Quinn Fabray, Puck Puckerman, Mike Chang, and Tina Cohen-Chang like this.)
Mercedes Jones Damn. Like...damn. I mean...DAMN.
Blaine Rothschild You don't know anything about my relationship with Kurt, Lopez.
Santana Lopez Wrong. I know everything about it. EVERYTHING. Including the fact that if you hadn't given Kurt the WORST ADVICE EVER, he might still be at McKinley with me where he belongs.
Puck Puckerman Whoa. What the actual fuck? I KNEW there was more to this story!
Sam Evans What does that mean, San?
Artie Abrams What's going on? What advice?
Kurt Hummel Santana.
Santana Lopez Fine. Whatever.
Mercedes Jones Not fine. I want to know what the hell is going is on and why Satan knows about it when I don't.
Kurt Hummel I will call you later, Mercedes. This is not something I want to get into here. In fact, we should probably do it in person. Somewhere public. Where I can take your car keys from you so you won't hurt others.
Mercedes Jones Who did what to you, where, and why? K, this shit is NOT COOL.
Kurt Hummel Mercedes. Please.
Mercedes Jones What did they do to you, baby?
Mercedes Jones You know what? Fuck this. I'm on my way, Kurt. Meet me at that rank Chuck E. Cheese three blocks down from your prissy school, dig?
(Santana Lopez likes this.)
Kurt Hummel Text me when you're close. I love you.
Mercedes Jones Love you too, boo. ALWAYS. *kisses*
Blaine Rothschild Kurt, may I stop by your room please?
Kurt Hummel *sigh* Of course.
William Schuester Pardon me for me intruding on what seems to be a very private matter, but what do you mean, Santana? How is it you feel I treat you?
Santana Lopez Why don't you take a moment and think about it, Schue? Try climbing down off your high horse for once. Think about why Hummel and Jones joined the squad. Think about how many solos the rest of us DON'T get. Think about how you let Berry run every damn rehearsal like we're just her session players. Puck and I got, like, three lines at Regionals last year. Hummel got NONE. Mercedes was trotted out to wail on the last note LIKE SHE ALWAYS IS, even though she's made it clear that it pisses her off. AND IT SHOULD. Can you hear me NOW?
(Sue Sylvester, Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang and 10 others like this.)
Rachel Berry This is highly inappropriate.
Quinn Fabray Bull. This is Kurt's wall and you don't own Facebook. Santana's right, Berry, and you know it. And don't even get me started on those duets. You really think I didn't figure out that you engineered it so that Sam and I would win just because Finn was so afraid Sam would quit? Based on performance alone, Kurt ABSOLUTELY should have won. He was nothing less than phenomenal. You KNOW that, Rachel.
(Santana Lopez and Sam Evans likes this.)
Santana Lopez Breadstix aside, THIS. ^^
Kurt Hummel Thank you, Quinn.
Quinn Fabray It's true, bb. Sam and I voted for you. You and he should have performed together. It would have been amazing. If Finn hadn't intimidated you into dropping Sam as your partner, I bet the two of you would have won on your own merit.
Will Schuester Wait, what?
Sam Evans Hold up. WTF? What does Hudson have to do with that? What did he say to you, Kurt?
Kurt Hummel Sam, it's a moot point. It doesn't matter anymore. If you all will excuse me, I have to speak with Blaine. Santana, I will call you later.
Santana Lopez I'd apologize, but we both know I wouldn't mean it. I don't like him. He's not right for you and I love you too much not to speak up, because if I didn't, I'd regret it. I'm Santana Lopez. I don't do regrets; I make people regret things.
(Sue Sylvester likes this.)
Kurt Hummel I'm not angry with you. I love you too.
Will Schuester Emergency meeting tomorrow at 4 PM. Attendance is required for all members of New Directions.
Santana Lopez I'm so excited. Can you hear me yawning?
Sam Evans Kurt, I really wanted to sing with you.
Sam Evans Kurt?
Sam Evans KRut?
Kurt Hummel I wanted to sing with you too, Sam.