A/N: Cleaning off my hard drive I stumbled across this one-shot I apparently wrote after finishing The Dawn Was Already Broken. I completely forgot about it between school, work, and trying to do that whole 'balancing your life' thing that most adults have to do. This is the last Twilight related story I have written. Honestly, it was strange to go back and read it after a year of not writing in Leah's point of view. I forgot how fearlessly bad-ass she was. Now how am I supposed to return to writing my other novels? Damn you, Twilight. Damn you! Hope you enjoy.
Rated M! Readers Beware: This is not filled without profanity and completely inappropriate subject material...or in other words, It's totally Leah.
Diaries of a Pregnant Werewolf (One-Shot)
This is it. This is what I've become. I have succumbed to evil and turned into everything I ever hated. I'm a nesting mother to be who is writing in a diary to satisfy my boredom. My God, I'm a girly loser. I really need to get a hobby, but considering I'm carrying two overly active children in my womb I can barely walk ten feet without becoming exhausted. So far motherhood sucks. I wake up. I puke. I crave weird shit like pickles, ice cream, and chicken tacos. I get nauseous. I burp. I crave more wacky shit. Last night I ate an entire box of chocolates and managed to keep that down. Then this morning I got yelled at by my doctor who told me caffeine wasn't good for growing fetuses. I told him to blow it out his ass. Then I apologized because I realized he was one of my student's fathers. Unfortunately the mouthy bossy doctor can't do anything for the pain in my back. It feels like it's being split in two. I can't see my feet anymore. None of my clothes fit. I have to pee every thirty seconds. I can't drink alcohol or eat sushi or do anything fun in general. I cried when I saw a television commercial about cat litter. And I'm hotter than an athlete's sweaty ballsac in hell.
Still, it isn't all bad. Feeling the twins moving around inside of me is incredible…even if they are fighting over whose turn it is to kick mommy's spleen. My kids are starting karate from in the womb. I am impressed. And also terrified. I spent the entirety of my second trimester being insane and neurotic. Crazy-ass thoughts ran through my mind. What if I was a horrible mother? What if something bad happened to them? What if they hated me? What if they ended up on an analyst's couch telling the psychiatrist it was all my fault? Or even worse…what if they acted like me?
Then I realized I was thinking too much, so I told my brain to go on a vacation and send me postcards every once in a while. After I stopped obsessing over what could go wrong I was able to focus on what I had going right for me. Embry is the epitome of a perfect husband. Caring, hard-working, and cool. It is his thoughtful nature that brought my kid brother into our house. Though Seth said he was only going to stay for a few days, the moocher has been living off of my hard-earned dough for almost five months. But on the plus side he cleans house like a meth-head high on Clorox. He was also going to be a built in babysitter for my kids. He doesn't know it yet, but I am ready to cash in some much needed, "you owe me" points. He had spent half of his time in Washington with Nessie and Claire, so I knew he'd be great with my kids. With his dumb playful nature, my hard mommy stare, and Embry's "Bring it on, Universe" attitude this parenting thing is going to be a piece of cake. Granted, it will be a long battle-filled fight for dominance and control, but that is nothing I can't handle. It will be just like being a wolf again. Plus being a teacher is really preparing me for motherhood. I deal with hell-raising children all day every day. I am convinced that if I can keep my cool while thirty children fight over who gets the blue crayon I can certainly handle motherhood.
"Mrs. Call, Mrs. Call! Henry poured his juice over my head!" Daniel Williams came running over to me in distress. He had a fuchsia stain on his white shirt.
"Daniel started it." Henry raced up to defend himself.
"What have I told you boys about fighting?" I frowned.
"Don't come crying to you unless someone is bleeding." Daniel sulked.
"Henry, say you're sorry."
"I don't want to."
"Apologize or there's no recess for you for the entire week." I threatened. My kids always listened when I threatened them, because I followed through on my promises.
"Sorry," Henry muttered. Daniel looked down at his shirt and sniffled.
"Daniel, go clean yourself up. Henry, come with me." I pulled him away from the madness of playtime. I made him sit down in front of my desk. "What possessed you to throw your drink all over Daniel?"
"I said I was sorry."
"That doesn't excuse you from a lecture."
"Darn it." He threw his bottom lip out in a pout.
"Put that lip away, mister. You're gunning for a time out."
"I don't want a time out!" He whined.
"Then start talking."
"Daniel wouldn't let me have the blue crayon. You always said that we should share, so I decided to share my juice with his face."
"That wasn't very nice."
"It wasn't very smart, either." Henry frowned.
"And why is that?"
He furrowed his brows in concentration for a few seconds. Then he responded, "Because it was a waste of juice."
Turn Head. Laugh internally. What could I say? The kid was trouble. And he made me laugh my ass off. Do not let him see you smile! I bit through my tongue to keep from grinning and cleared my throat and responded, "Henry, the next time I catch you picking on your classmates you and I are going to go to see the school principal. Do you understand me?"
"Yes ma'am," he sighed.
"Good." I sent him back into the general student population to mingle with the other kids.
Three minutes later we were walking down the hall to the principal's office because Henry bit Daniel for tattling on him.
My kids were hilarious, but they were tiring. By the time I got home I barely had any energy left to stop my cat from beating up on Embry's dog. I walked in the front door and was bowled over by Coop, Embry's aloof rescue mutt. I was able to regain my footing, but quickly lost my balance again when my cat Cami ran between my legs meowing to get my attention. I glanced at the animals. I was starting to suspect they were in cahoots in forming an elaborate plan to kill me, or at the very least…trying to entertain themselves while watching the big plump human fall on her pregnant ass. I was too slick for their plan. I moved Cami out of my way and shoved Coop out the back door to go to the bathroom. I had a cocky smile on my face as I walked down the hallway…only to trip over a pair of shoes in the middle of the floor.
"Damn it, Seth!" I exclaimed.
"Huh? Did you just call for me?" Seth poked his head out of the guest room. I threw his shoes at him. He ducked to avoid getting hit in the head. He shrugged and walked into the kitchen. I heard him open the refrigerator. "Hey, Lee, we're out of orange soda and waffles."
"Then walk your ass to the store and get some."
"It'd be quicker if I took your car."
"The last time you rode in my car you drove it off a cliff."
"So I swerved to avoid a squirrel and ended up in a ditch. Big whoop. There was only minimal damage."
"Which I had to pay for because my insurance policy doesn't cover idiocy."
"Fine. I'll walk." He fished in his pockets for something. "Hey, can I borrow thirty bucks?"
I closed my eyes and thought to myself, Built in babysitter. Built in babysitter. Built in babysitter. After I reached my peaceful state of mind I smiled at my clueless brother. "Sure. It's in my wallet."
I needed some peace and quiet, so if paying my brother to leave the house was my only option I was willing to shell out the dough. He took the cash, let Cooper back in, and then walked out the door.
A few minutes later I was alone. I tried some meditation techniques to drown out everything negative in my life. I was starting to feel content when Coop broke my concentration. He let out a low growl. Coop usually only growled at strangers…and boxes. He hated boxes. He crept to the front door, the hackles on his back sticking straight into the air, and he snarled loudly.
"Coop, I swear to God, if you're messing with my zen because you see a damn UPS truck I will sell you to the highest bidder."
I faced my dog. He still hadn't let up. He was showing his teeth. Suddenly, the atmosphere changed. A chill ran down my spine and a pungent odor filled the room. I'd smelled that scent before. Smelling it now was making me want to upchuck everything I'd ever eaten. I gagged a few times.
When the doorbell rang Cooper starting woofing like crazy. Cami growled and walked behind Coop to try and get a better look at what he was freaking out over. When I got to the front door Coop took a few steps back so I could open it. I slowly pulled the door open to reveal a familiar...and annoying face.
What the hell was this sparkly mother fucker doing on my doorstep? I hadn't seen any of the Cullens since Embry and I bailed from La Push. The best thing about California was the fact that there were no irritating leeches…up until now.
"Emmett?" The big brawny moron was staring at me inquisitively. Coop stopped growling and slowly approached Emmett. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Josephine had a vision…"
"Tell your god damn spy to get a life." I hated the fact that Alice's new B.F.F could see the future, particularly mine. "Buy her a computer. Introduce her to online shopping. Or find her a man so she'll stop living vicariously through others. I don't care. Just get her out of my head."
"The Volturi knows about Jane, Demetri, and Alec."
"Oh…" Guess word had gotten out that Embry, Seth, Quil, and I had totally kicked some Volturi butt the last time we saw them. We had stopped Alec, Jane, and Demetri from springing a surprise attack on the Cullens. Ripping them to shreds was one of my finest moments in life. I wish I had kept a piece of Jane's ear as a trophy.
"Once Josephine found out they were out for revenge we went to Jacob to see how he wanted to handle it."
"Clearly he's lost his mind." Sending a vampire to my doorstep? Jacob Black was going to get an earful. "Why did they send you? Did you draw the short straw?"
"No. I just wanted to tease you about how fat you've gotten." He sized me up. "Did you eat a hundred pounds of cellulite?"
"I'm pregnant, jackass."
"Yeah, I know. I feel bad for the kids." Emmett laughed. Cami sat down at Emmett's feet, swishing her tail in agitation. Something new had invaded her turf…and she was not going to handle that well. "Nice, uh, cat."
"Don't even think about it, Cullen. If you go after my cat I will knock you unconscious and then throw you over the Golden Gate Bridge."
"Please," Emmett rolled his eyes, "cat blood is bitter." He looked at Cami. She hissed at him and swatted at his leg. "I think she likes me." Emmett grinned. He took a step forward into my house and Cami swatted him again. Emmett ignored the cat attacking his leg and looked around my house. "Nice digs."
"Yeah, don't get used to it." I snapped. He was not going to be around long. I was going to make sure of that.
"I've got orders."
"My family and yours. Josephine said the Volturi is after yours and Embry's…puppies." He glanced at my stomach.
"What?" I felt like my gut was doing cartwheels. A group of evil vampires was after my children? That pissed me off more than politics, mosquitoes, and bad drivers combined. I walked away from Emmett.
"Hey, where are you going?"
"To pack my suitcase."
"I've never known you to run from a fight."
"I'm not running from a fight. I'm running to one. Jacob didn't have the decency to call and tell me about this…therefore he deserves a fist up his balls."
"I think you should call him first."
"Why warn him? Surprise attacks are more fun."
Emmett pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and texted at a speed I'd never witnessed anyone use. A few seconds later the phone beeped.
"Did you just text my ex-alpha?" I snarled.
"Isn't technology awesome?" Emmett questioned. I wanted to grab his cell phone and smash it against the wall. Fortunately I was distracted by the ringing of my telephone.
I looked at the caller-ID and answered, "You're dead, Black."
"I see Emmett's there."
"You find out that the league of extraordinary douchebags is after my kids and you send the dumbest vampire you can find to protect me? You're a fucking dick."
"I would blame the hormones, but you've always been a psycho."
"Run your ass over here and say that to my face."
"The Volturi expects me to run to your aid. I knew sending one of the Cullens would be a better strategy."
"But Emmett? Really? He's so stupid he thinks Cum Laude is a gospel song."
"I'm standing right here," Emmett grumbled.
"He's strong, and he's an excellent fighter," Jacob said.
"Yeah, but he doesn't the sense a drunk baby would have."
"You're not drinking while you're pregnant are you?" Jacob questioned.
His accusation pissed me off for two reasons. One: that he thought I would be so stupid as to subject my children to the dangers associated with drinking while pregnant. And two: that he thought he still had the right to tell me how to act.
"Oh, lighten up. After being inside of me the kids need a little pick me up. You're never too young to start self-medicating."
"Leah, Emmett's staying. End of story."
"Um, maybe you've forgotten, but I'm not your bitch anymore."
"Nope. You're Embry's. And he should be there any minute…"
I heard my husband's car pull into the driveway. He got into the house in record time. "S'up, Emmett? Where is she?"
"Bitching in the bedroom."
"Honey…" He appeared in my bedroom door.
"Don't you honey me! You knew about this?"
"Jacob called me an hour ago. I bailed on my last three classes and sped like a Nascar driver to get here…"
"You didn't think to pick up the phone to call me? If a group of geriatric mentally challenged ticks from hell is after our children I would like to know."
"You know now." Jacob stated.
"Thanks. You have been so very helpful." I snapped sarcastically.
"We don't have a lot of time. If Josephine's vision is right three members of the Volturi will be there at sundown. We've got to form a plan."
"I already have one. We fight. We win."
"Have you forgotten your delicate state?" Embry questioned.
"I know you didn't just call me delicate." I laughed. "Just because I'm knocked up doesn't mean I can't kick a little vampire butt."
"But you can't phase to protect yourself."
"I don't need to. These bastards want my kids and I am not a mother to be messed with. You've heard stories about mothers lifting cars off of their children. Not only am I going to lift a suburban off of my babies, I am going to use it to decapitate the leeches. They want a fight. We'll give them one." I snarled through my teeth.
The thought of anything coming after my children brought out the true wolf within me. I was not going to stand idly by while there were things out there that wanted to harm my babies. I faced my husband.
"Embry, go get Seth. We need him for this plan to work."
"What plan?" Jacob questioned.
"Thanks for the warning, Jake. We've got it from here."
"What plan?" Jacob shrieked as I hung up on him.
"Leah, I don't like that look you've got in your eyes," Embry sighed.
I smiled. I had this figured out. After the sun had set my nerves were strangely calm. I had faith that this plan would work. Embry was not very supportive of anything that put me and our children in danger. He had always been the wussy one.
"Please reconsider. We should err on the side of caution." Embry begged.
"Embry," I put my hands against his cheeks, "please trust me."
He sighed and nodded his head. Seth walked into the kitchen.
"Okay, we're heading out." He was wearing a hoodie. "You sure about this?"
"Just do what you do best. Play stupid."
"Shouldn't be too much of a stretch." Emmett appeared behind Seth.
"Look who's talking." Seth scoffed.
"You're certain Josephine saw them taking me east?" I asked.
"Her visions don't lie," Emmett said.
"Okay, let's do this." Seth left the house. Emmett followed. Embry hesitated to follow them.
"I won't let them hurt you," he assured me.
He embraced me and pushed his lips against mine. When he pulled away he didn't say anything. He gave me another kiss on the forehead and then chased after Emmett and Seth.
I was waiting for something to happen and the silence wasn't helping. It was unbearable. Cami walked into the kitchen to keep me company. We heard a rustling noise outside and I faced my fearless cat.
"You might want to take cover. It's about to get real ugly up in here." I swallowed a knot in my throat as I walked to the back door. I could hear Coop barking from where I had locked him in the bedroom. I didn't need any distractions. I drew in a deep breath as I opened the back door and cleared my throat, "I know you're out there. I can smell you," I said. "Show yourself."
"Leah Clearwater." The voice was gruff and gravelly. An old vampire with pale skin and red eyes appeared with two cloaked figures flanking him.
"Hmm, I'm a little disappointed Caius and Aro didn't come after me themselves. I'm insulted."
"Yes, we were told you had a mouth on you."
"We all have mouths. It's how we speak."
"Clever, but you shouldn't be back talking us while you are unable to protect yourself." He glanced at my pregnant belly.
"I get by," I said. "Besides, are you really going to beat up a pregnant woman?"
"I'm pro-choice." He shrugged.
"You're not going to hurt my babies. That's not why you're here."
A wicked smile formed on his face and he let out a malevolent laugh. "When Aro found out you led the attack against Jane, Demetri, and Alec he was both angered and impressed. That a female could lead such a successful mission…"
"Wow, look at you, all stuck in the sixteen hundreds." I taunted him. My sarcasm made him laugh.
"And look at you, the werewolf who couldn't have children fat and pregnant."
"Oh, ouch. Your insults burn." I rolled my eyes.
"We have gone to quite a bit of trouble locating you. When Aro learned you were pregnant his interest of having guard dogs returned."
"And you want my children to raise in your messed up trailer trash family? I've got news for you. There's no way in hell I'm gonna let that bastard be my babies' daddy."
"You don't have a choice." He crept towards me.
I threw my hands up defensively.
"Here's the problem: they aren't full term yet. If you pull an Edward Cullen and rip them from my womb now they won't survive."
"What are you getting at?"
"You want my babies, you've got to take me, too."
"You expect us to believe you are willingly going to go with us?"
"Hey, like you said…I don't have a choice."
The three of them gathered in a circle to discuss my offer. After several minutes of hushed talking the old vampire approached me again.
"You drive a hard bargain." He reached his scaly hand out towards me. I stared at it.
"Don't expect me to shake that disease infested claw you call a hand."
"I don't." He lurched his arm forward and grabbed my arm.
He flung me over his shoulder and then he started racing through the hills. Only one thought occurred to me as I watched the ground pass beneath us: Don't vomit.
I don't know how long we had been running, but I was thankful when the old tick came to a complete stop.
"About damn time." I shoved him away from me to catch my breath.
"Someone else is out here." He looked into the surrounding woods.
"Yeah." I nodded. I heaved a dry gag. "We're in Northern California. A lot of strange things roam the woods."
"It's not human." He walked through some trees. The two cloaked figures behind us pushed me forward.
"Stop shoving me," I complained. "Did you learn nothing in kindergarten?"
We heard a loud yell and ran towards the sound. We came upon a large vampire towering over a dorky misfit kid, or as I liked to call them: Emmett and Seth. Seth had his hoodie pulled up over his head while Emmett was standing over him like a lion going in for the kill.
"Emmett Cullen." The old vampire recognized him.
"Huh?" Emmett spun around. "Oh, hey guys. Want a snack?"
"I thought you were one of those sissy vegetarians."
"I crave a burger once in a while." Emmett shrugged. "What are you doing out here?"
"Running an errand."
"Still being ruled under Aro's thumb, ay?" Emmett chuckled. "You should seriously think of getting out of the game. Being free is invigorating. Plus if you act like you care about humans you win their trust, and then you can eat them."
"Asshole," I snapped.
"Is that Leah Clearwater?" Emmett questioned.
"Indeed." The old vampire nodded.
"Dude, hang on to your balls. She shows no mercy."
"She's harmless." He pointed to my stomach. I had to bite my tongue to keep from punching him.
"You don't say!" Emmett laughed. "Hang on. Let me just kill this kid, and we'll talk." He hovered over Seth again.
"Leave me alone!" Seth cried. He actually sounded afraid. Maybe he needed to Major in theater.
"Wah, wah. You gonna cry for your mommy?" Emmett snickered.
"I just want to go home," Seth responded with a whimper.
Even though I knew he was just acting I felt compelled to protect him. I had to ignore my urges so this plan could work.
"This should be fun to watch." The vampire laughed. Emmett grabbed Seth by the throat and picked him up off of the ground. Seth kicked his feet and tried to fight back. "I love it when they squirm."
"Yeah," Emmett agreed. "You know the best part about kids that have a lot of fight in them?"
"They make great weapons." Emmett nodded at Seth. Seth threw his arms forward and used Emmett as a spring board. Emmett helped him increase his speed by throwing him backwards. Seth did a back flip and phased mid-air. I didn't know my kid brother had it in him. The vampires were equally shocked. "Now!" Emmett exclaimed. I hit the ground as Seth leaped on top of the old vampire. His two friends raced to his aid, but Embry leaped out of the trees baring his teeth. It killed me to watch the boys fight while I sat on the ground watching the destruction unfold. I threw my foot out and tripped one of the cloaked figures, and nodded in satisfaction. His red eyes fixated on me.
"Oh, crap." My mother was right. I should think before I act.
The angry vampire raced towards me, but was intercepted by a blur of russet fur. Jacob had made it to the fight. He ripped the vampire apart. Embry and Seth tore apart the other cloaked vampire while Emmett cornered the old vampire. Emmett ripped the old fart's arm off. Embry phased and threw on a pair of sweatpants and raced to my side.
"Are you okay?" He helped me to my feet.
"We're all fine here," I assured him.
"You are all fools," the old vampire snapped.
"You fell for our act and we're the fools?" I questioned.
The vampire lunged towards me, but Emmett body slammed him.
"Look around. There's five of us and only one of you. Your buddies are all mincemeat." Emmett smirked.
"More will come."
"No. They won't. Because you're going to take your sorry ass home with your tail between your legs and tell Aro that if he comes after any one of the Quileutes again we will retaliate." Emmett threatened. The vampire thought it over. Seth and Jacob walked towards him baring their teeth to help convince him.
"My arm?" The vampire reached out with his remaining arm to try and take his arm back from Emmett. Emmett smacked him with it. The vampire looked horrified while we all laughed hysterically.
"You'll get it back when we've been assured of the wolves safety."
The vampire muttered under his breath before racing away. Jacob and Seth phased and put on some clothes and met up with the rest of us. Jacob stormed towards me. He looked really pissed.
"Leah, you are the most reckless, idiotic, arrogant, stubborn, idiotic…"
"You already said that one." I interrupted him.
"What the hell were you thinking?" He yelled.
"I assume Josephine is the one who filled you in on my plan?"
"You could have been killed!"
"Oh, please. You're such a drama king."
"You were on your way to be the Volturi's new housepet!"
"I knew you couldn't resist saving me. You've always been a control freak." I smiled. "It's too bad my life has to be in danger for you to drop by for a visit." I gave him a hard time.
"It is good to see you out of Nessie's fingertips." Emmett smacked Jacob on the back. "Your whole eternal love thing was starting to make me nauseous. I get enough of that crap from Edward and Bella."
"How've you been, Jake?" Seth dusted himself off.
"I would be great if your sister would stop making my life hell."
"It's her job." Seth shrugged.
"You've gotten taller, kid." Jacob finally started to loosen up. His anger was starting to fade. "Nice moves, by the way."
"Emmett really did most of the work. I just let him throw me like a bowling ball. Good work on that, Em."
"Yeah, you too, Marley and Me."
"I hate to break up this family reunion, but we need to get these suckers burning." Embry kicked a severed leg away from us.
I looked at all off the body parts surrounding us and offered a suggestion, "I think we should take them home and burn them there."
"Why?" Seth curled up his lip.
"Because I'm hungry, and I'm kind of craving some s'mores."
Embry convinced Jacob to come have dinner with us. Jacob obliged. Then my annoying overly-friendly moronic husband tried to convince Emmett to come with us, too. Emmett declined. His reasoning had something to do with Rosalie being naked and waiting for him. I was convinced he was just going to use the old vampire's right arm for his own personal use, or as I so elegantly put it,
"He's probably going to run a few miles out from here and then use the hand to shake his tick dick."
We gathered the body parts and laughed all the way home. And as we gathered around the growing fire in my back yard, roasting our marshmallows over the burning body parts something occurred to me. This motherhood thing was not something I had any control over. The world was filled with terrifying things. Some of those things I could protect my children from, and other things I couldn't. All I could do was teach them how to take care of themselves and hope it would be enough.
I felt a sharp pain in my side. One of the little fetuses had just kicked my liver. But instead of getting angry, I smiled.
These kids were going to be just fine.