Summary: From Violet's POV: Losing a child is tough on anyone, but it's especially tough when you're rearranging your life for it. Violet's journey from loss to life again.
Chapter 1: Prologue: Shock and Remembrance
Dr. Mary Racer's Office Manhattan 1:30pm May 3rd, 2000
"I'm so sorry to say this, but Violet, your baby died in utero," the doctor said to me.
Now wait a minute, what did she just say? My baby died? He was fine this morning, moving and everything. Now he's dead? How did he die? Was he in pain? Questions were swimming through my mind that I wanted to ask but was too afraid to. Instead I just nodded.
"We need to deliver the baby as soon as possible. The nurse will take you next door to the hospital so we can induce you. A C-Section is probably what you want but is unnecessary. It would cause you more pain than what you're in right now, emotionally," the doctor said to me. Again I nodded, said goodbye and left the exam room, numb and confused.
I went into the waiting room, sat down on the couch and waited for the nurse to come and get me. The first thing I did was get out my cell phone and call Kevin. He was just getting out of class so now was a good time to call him.
"Hey honey. Judging from that sad sigh something is wrong." Kevin said to me. I started to cry.
"Kevin, he was fine this morning but…" I said between sobs.
"Violet, what happened to the baby? Tell me please!" Kevin shouted.
"He died Kevin! The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, she did an ultrasound and he wasn't moving! He's gone Kevin! He's gone!" I sobbed louder.
"He's…gone? Baby where are you? Are you still at the doctor's office?" Kevin asked me as I calmed down.
"Yes, I'm waiting for the nurse to come and get me to take me to the hospital. I need you now more than ever," I said wiping away tears.
"I'll be right there. St. Luke's, right?" Kevin asked.
"Yes," I replied as I said goodbye to him and hung up.
Then the nurse arrived with a wheelchair and I sat down in it and she wheeled me over to the hospital. It was a long ride in the elevator so I started to think about the beginning of what was to be a long nightmare.
Violet and Kevin's Apartment Manhattan 12 noon September 25, 1999
Violet was sitting on the couch with her computer trying to finish a song when the door opened. It was Kevin with flowers and champagne. Violet just stared at him.
"Honey, what's wrong? You're not changing your mind about the engagement, are you?" Kevin asked her.
"No not at all. Kevin, I have something to tell you," Violet said as Kevin sat down and faced her.
"Okay, I'm sitting down in case it's bad news," Kevin said.
"It's not bad news, not exactly. It's life changing, actually," Violet said.
"Violet tell me please before I pee in my pants!" Kevin said.
"Okay, okay. I'm pregnant, Kevin." Violet said.
Then there was silence for a minute before Kevin finally said something.
"Okay, now I'm so glad that I was sitting down otherwise I would've passed out. But now I have to go." Kevin said. Violet got a sad look on her face.
"To the bathroom, I mean, because I really have to go." Kevin said as he excused himself to the bathroom.
It was a couple of minutes before Kevin came out. Then Violet started to cry.
"Violet, what are you doing? I'm not mad, see?" Kevin said hugging her.
"I messed up our lives. What are we going to do?" Violet said.
"Well, first of all we have to tell your family then our friends. Then we have to get rid of our spare stuff in the spare room and put it in storage," Kevin said as Violet stopped crying.
"So you're actually happy about this?" Violet asked him.
"Sure I am. Are you?" Kevin asked.
"Yes I'm very happy. Better sooner than later," Violet said giving Kevin a kiss.
The elevator doors opened and the nurse wheeled me towards room 502. Once we were in the room I got out of the wheelchair and sat down on the bed.
"Here's a gown. Roni and Sandy will be in here shortly to get you ready for the induction," the nurse said as she left the room.
I put the gown on and laid down on the bed and covered myself up with the sheets. Then Roni and Sandy came in slowly.
Roni was the first to give me a hug.
"Aunt Mary feels really bad about this and so do I. I wish I knew what you're going through but I don't," she finished.
"Well kiddo, I don't know if I can top what Roni said to you but I'm so sorry about all this and wish I could take all the pain away that you're feeling right now but I can't. How about we get you ready for the induction. Dr. Racer will be here shortly she's just finishing up with her patients at the office. She'll perform the induction," Sandy said as she and Roni started preparing me for the induction.
Then Dr. Racer came in and did the induction then got paged away. Then Kevin came in and immediately went straight to me and gave me a hug as I cried in his arms.
"It's okay baby. I'm here. I'm here," He said trying to fight the tears coming to his eyes.
Dr. Racer's Office Manhattan 3:00pm December 23rd 1999
"Hello Violet and Kevin ready to see your baby?" Dr. Racer said as she came in the exam room.
"Yes ready as we'll ever be," Violet said as she laid down on the exam table.
Kevin just nodded as he sat down next to Violet and held her hand.
"Let's see what we can see here…oh here we go. There's the head and a hand and both legs. The baby's pretty active. Want to know the sex?" Dr. Racer asked as Violet and Kevin looked at each other and Kevin nodded his approval.
"Sure," Violet said as Dr. Racer moved the wand around until she smiled.
"Congratulations you two. Looks like you're going to have a little boy," Dr. Racer said.
Violet and Kevin just smiled and hugged each other.
I couldn't take it anymore. It had been seven hours since Dr. Racer induced me and I was having the worst contractions but I was still dilated nine centimeters. Sandy told me that sometimes labor stalls at nine centimeters.
A few minutes later Dr. Racer came in and checked me again.
"We're at ten centimeters. Violet, you're all ready to push. Do exactly as I tell you and this will all be over in a few minutes okay?" Dr. Racer said to me as I nodded. Then the nurses started prepping for the delivery. Kevin and I gripped each others hands and prayed that this would all be over soon.
"Okay Violet we're ready. When I tell you to push, you push with all you can okay?"
"Okay." I said quietly
"Okay, push!" Dr. Racer said and I did what I was told. After that she told me to push again and I did. Then I felt burning then a pop then Dr. Racer said the head was out.
Another couple of pushes and I was done. Since the baby was already dead there was no crying just silence. Dr. Racer handed him to a nurse who dried him off and wrapped him up in a blanket.
"Do you want to hold him?" she asked me. I looked at Kevin who had to blink back tears but nodded for me to take him so I did. The nurse put the baby in my arms.
I pulled back the blanket so I could see his face. When I did I couldn't help but cry. He was so beautiful, he had the face of an angel. He had a little bit of brown fuzz atop his head and his hands were soft and smooth. By the time I was done Kevin was crying and I knew that this was very tough on him.
We had 7 more minutes with him when the nurse came back in.
"I'm sorry to interrupt but I have to take him to the morgue now. I'm so sorry," she said as she took him from me.
"What happens now?" I asked softly as Kevin held me.
"The social worker will come in to talk with you shortly and help you make the arrangements." the nurse said as she left the room.
Then Roni came in.
"You up for a visitor? Your Dad is here to see you," she said.
My Dad peeked his head around the corner.
"Come in Dad," I said as he came in slowly.
"Um I got the message from Judy to come over here as soon as I got off of work. Since I never lost a child I don't know what you're going through now but I'm here to listen and give hugs," he said.
"Can I have a hug now?" I asked.
"Sure," he said as he went over and gave me one and I just lost it. I cried into his shoulder so hard Kevin couldn't stand it and had to leave the room.
Twelve Hours Later
I was sitting up in bed eating breakfast while Kevin was still asleep on the cot when the social worker came in with some paperwork.
"Hi you must be Violet Sanford. My name is Theresa Robinson I'm the unit's social worker and I'm here to talk to you about what's going to happen next," the social worker said.
"So what's going to happen next?" I asked.
"Well usually when a baby is born stillborn most parents will consent to an autopsy to find out the cause of death. Your son is in the morgue and we need to know what funeral home to call so whichever one you choose will pick up his body. Then there comes about what name to put on the death certificate," she said.
"We were going to name him Josiah, Josiah Andrew O'Donnell. He'll take my fiancé's last name," I said.
"Okay I'll put that on the paperwork then. Then what funeral home were you going to go with?" she said.
"Martenson Funeral Home in South Amboy, New Jersey. That's the funeral home that handled my Mother's funeral," I said.
"Okay I'll make the phone calls to them for you. Is there anything else I can do?" Teresa asked me.
"No nothing else thank you," I said to her as she said sorry and left the room. Kevin woke up.
"So that was the social worker?" Kevin asked.
"Yes I didn't want to wake you up. She just wanted to know his name and what funeral home to call," I answered.
"You said Josiah Andrew right? And what funeral home did you choose?" He asked me.
"The funeral home that handled my Mother's funeral and will handle my Grandmother's funeral when she dies, Martenson Funeral Home in South Amboy," I said.
"That's good. I'm going to go to the cafeteria. I'll be back soon," He said giving me a kiss and left the room. A few minutes later the door opened. It was Lil and Rachel.
"Hey Jersey I won't ask how you feel but I will give you a hug," Lil said as she came over and gave me a hug. Rachel did the same.
"I heard the news from Roni and Lil heard from your Pop. I am so sorry about all this," Rachel said.
"Yeah thank you," I said.
"Cammie would've been here but she's…" Lil started to say.
"Having her baby right now. I know she called me. She knows everything," I said.
"Well if you want someone to talk to about this both of us have been through what you're going through right now," Lil said.
"Really? I didn't know," I said surprised.
"Yes Big Mike forced me to give up our only daughter when I was 26 years old. He didn't want any kids," Lil said.
"My son Caleb was stillborn. He was Jackie's twin brother. That's the reason she was born early. He died just 8 hours before and they couldn't just deliver him they had to deliver Jackie too," Rachel said.
"Wow. I'm so sorry." I said.
"It's okay Jersey we're fine. Well we have to get going. The liquor truck will be at the bar any minute now," Lil said as they said their goodbyes and left the room.
Kevin came back in when they were just leaving.
"So, Lil and Rachel stopped by. What did they say?" Kevin asked.
"They said they were sorry and that they been through what we're going through, something which I didn't know about them," I said.
"Really? I would've never guessed. Mind if I have a spot next to you?"
"Sure," I said as I moved over so he could lay beside me.
"I have to say something, I've never experienced anything like this before and it's really been hard on me."
"It's hard on me too. I mean I held him and was expecting him to look at me but…" I started to cry again and Kevin just held me close and started to cry too.