Typical, Hardcore, Casual Mobile Suit Sex. Wait. What?

"Uh. Kira? Come here and tell me if I'm reading this right," Athrun called from his position on the bed, leaning against the wall with the laptop…well. On his lap. Go figure.

His best friend looked confused and that didn't bode well at all. They'd just read about a vampiric mobile suit pilot, eleven year old homosexual versions of themselves, and Mu LaFlaga, resident pedophile. What could he have possibly found that still surprised him?

"What is it this time? Oh God. It's not another one of those of those Flay/Lacus ones is it? Because why? Just why?"

"Um. Well no, but still. I think you're gonna wanna see this to believe it. Part of me really wants to laugh at your expense, but there's another part that's just…what? I mean. What? Here, just read it. I've lost the ability to form words other than 'what.'

With growing trepidation, Kira flopped back down on the bed and snatched the computer from Athrun, who was pointing to the aforementioned lines with the tip of a finger.

So Kira read them. Decided he must be mistaken and read them again. Blinked, rubbed his eyes and read them again. Questioned whether or not his mountain dew had been spiked with liquor. And read them again.

Hmm. That was strange. No matter how many times he looked at the screen, the lines always seemed to say: "It's just your typical, hard-core casual mobile suit sex. Shinn/Kira."

Shinn/Kira.

As in Shinn and Kira.

Together.

Having casual mobile-suit sex. In their mobile suits.

Together.

What.

Kira blinked at the text once more, turning to Athrun with the most dead-pan expression he had ever mustered in his life. "I'm sorry, what? I'm confused."

"See? I don't know what to make of it either."

Kira sighed and brushed his fingers through his hair. "I barely know his name. Why would I…I just. What?"

Athrun shut his eyes, as if in physical pain. Maybe he was. "Okay, we have to say something other than 'what.'

"I know but…what?"

"Chicks like that whole hate sex aspect of relationships a lot. I guess that could be it. Remember the one of you and I on that island after we blew each other up?"

"How could I forget? I'm still trying to understand how anyone has sex with a bloody leg stump half detached from their body. But Athrun, I don't hate Shinn. I don't even know him. I'd forgotten his name until just now when I read it."

"…should we?"

"I want to say no, but I also feel like I have to." Kira gritted his teeth and clicked on the link. "We need to stop. Seriously. We've been holed up in here for days. I think the crew is starting to get worried. Don't we have battles we're supposed to be fighting?"

"Eh. Don't worry about it. This is Destiny. Nothing really happens unless the two of us do something, and considering we're both here, well. I don't think we have anything to worry about."

"Guess you're right. Who else is going to be the main character? Shinn?"

At this, they both had a good laugh. Yeah. Sure. Then they trained their eyes on the screen, clutching each other for support in the trial that was to come.

The Impulse and the Freedom clashed in a fiery display of sparks and shrapnel, metallic faces inches from each other, tension seeming to bleed even through the metal of their mobile suits. The battle raged around them, although the occupants of the suits hardly seemed to notice. To Kira, the Impulse was the world and to Shinn, the Freedom was his destiny.

"You sound so sexy when you're trying to kill me," Kira purred through their battle frequency, pushing down just a little bit harder on Shinn's sword. No not that one, the other one. Sickos.

"I'm always trying to kill you," Shinn quipped back, rubbing his Gundam's metallic cheek against that of the Freedom.

"I know." Kira smirked and positioned the Freedom so that it was pulling the Impulse into its arms. "It's fantastic, mystery mobile suit pilot whom I've met only once and forgotten about."

"You like it when I talk dirty, don't you bitch? I'll call you Freedom, since the only thing I know about you is that I wish you were dead."

Kira nodded to himself. "Makes sense. Wanna have sex?"

Shinn grinned. "Do I ever. Your place or mine?"

"Mine. My girlfriend wants to watch."

"Okay, that's cool. Hold on a sec."

And so the world watched in awe as the pilot of the Impulse ejected from his cockpit and made his way over into the Freedom's, which opened to receive him. Kira grabbed Shinn's hand and ripped both of their helmets off, crushing their lips together in a savage display of dominance. Because Kira wanted to be the seme this time. Shinn gasped for breath when they broke apart, waving to Lacus, who was watching on livestream. She waved back.

Kira smiled, nuzzling Shinn as he worked on the fastenings of his flight-suit. "So what's your real name, anyway?"

"Bruno."

Kira barked a laugh. "That's not your fucking name, how stupid do you think I am?"

"You're right. It's not. What's yours?"

"Well as long as we're making up names. Fabio."

Shinn laughed. "Okay. Fabio it is. So what happens now? Are we actually doing this?"

"My name is Fabio and this is a romance fic. Of course we're doing this."

"Just be gentle, okay? It's been awhile."

Kira smiled, working his own flight suit over his shoulders and down his impressively rippled torso. Never mind the fact that no one should ever use the words 'impressively rippled torso' together in succession. This is a romance fic, silly.

"Sure. Whatever, baby. Just sit there and look pretty. I'll do the work."

And so began the tale of how one of the war's deadliest battles suddenly became pay-per-view pornography. Shout out to all of the brave pilots who lost their lives hovering long enough to tape and broadcast it to all channels in the universe.

The End.

Athrun was in hysterics on the floor before they'd even finished the first paragraph. Kira, grim faced, continued on, reading out loud, though he had to stop to mourn his lost dignity a few times before continuing.

"Fabio? Really? Why couldn't it have been something cool, like…I don't know. Bone-cruncher. Or Ass-kicker?"

Athrun grabbed the edge of the mattress and pulled himself up into a sitting position. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, still grinning like an idiot. "I am calling you Fabio from now on. Seriously."

"I hate you."

"Please don't punish me, Fabio. I'll be good. I promise." Athrun barely got the sentence out before dissolving into giggles again.

Kira rested his head on one knee, eyes thoughtful, yet sad. "I should just start writing these myself. At least I'd be in character."


Oh my God, I'm sorry. I don't know what I just wrote.

But it was awesome. I've missed this fic. Greetings everyone! Readers new and old. It has been too long. Far too long :'D