Of Mormons and Superheroes
Roxas Destati

The night was dark, the brick walls towering on either side of him and the chill of the air making his breath come out in wisps of white that dissipated quickly. It smelled funny, rotten, disgusting and he was barely five feet in. It was just that the filth that gathered on either side of the concrete ground was bad enough deeper in that it permeated to the openings of the alley. The dumpster certainly wasn't helping the stench either, the rotting garbage stashed inside corrupting the cold mountain air.

The blond's nose wrinkled a bit. He already knew he was in trouble.

There was a time and place to be polite, to be helpful, but apparently this wasn't one of those times. He knew it was a bad idea, he wasn't stupid or naïve, but he was nice and right then it was about to be his downfall. He knew that the moment the larger man wearing a ski mask stepped out into view and blocked the entrance of the alley behind him. He shouldn't have fallen for that trick. That simple luring call for help made by a skinny teen who couldn't have been more than fifteen.

Gary was shocked by the sudden realization, the reality that right then he was in that situation no one wanted to be or thought they would end up in. At least, he hadn't thought he'd end up being trapped in an alley like this with the reality that he was about to be mugged. Or worse. His brow furrowed as he stared down the smaller male who was now grinning at him, the meaning behind it dark and full of promises that the blond immediately wanted no part of. Of all the things he felt right then, out of fear and surprise, anger towered above it all. He knew right then anyone else in his family would have continued to greet them, asking what they were doing or something equally naïve but despite his good upbringing, he payed attention to the problems of the world, the risks. And right then, he'd disobeyed a few big rules. Don't walk alone at night. Don't talk to strangers. And certainly don't follow anyone suspicious into dark areas, no matter the reason. He wasn't sure if he was more angry with himself or the two thugs slowly inching toward him. He felt like a fool.

A moment of adrenaline sparked, shocking him into action, and he took off like a shot, ducking around the younger teen and deeper into the alley. He aimed to reach the other end to get out of the secluded back alleys of the stores and hopefully to some semblance of safety. But all he was doing was dragging himself further from it. He feared what would happen if his ploy didn't work, if he didn't make it though the turns of the alley to the other opening but he couldn't help but to try, to hope.

Hope was failing him.

He wasn't counting on the hand snatching a hold on the back of his jacket after only making it ten feet. He nearly forgot himself and swore, slipping free of his jacket to escape the skinny kid's hold as the heavy footfalls of the more menacing threat started catching up. His feet stumbled the moment he wrenched free, tangling and bringing the blond crashing to the filthy concrete of the alleyway. Gary grunted, feeling his palms sting as he tried to catch himself, the pain searing through his knees from the impact. He could already feel the blood welling up and knew he'd probably torn his jeans and skin open. He made to get up, but time was moving slowly and a hand was fisting in the back of his shirt and another pair gripped his arm painfully. He was yanked up and tossed haphazardly to the side, dazing him long enough to be roughly pulled to his feet before he got out a loud, "Leave me alone!"

A fist socked him in the jaw and he loudly struggled right back with angry shouts. He was by no means a fighter despite having been in wrestling for several years, he never saw to use it for anything besides the sport it was. But if given the right situation and a massive dose of fear and adrenaline, any good-natured soul would fight back, especially someone as willing to live another day as Gary Harrison.

There was the sound of metal, a flick, the gleam of something silver and Gary could have sworn his heart stopped. Fear flooded his veins like ice water though he looked a bit sweaty from the exertion, his hazel eyes locked on the blade being brandished in his face. The smaller teen stepped away but the ski masked man remained, rotted teeth grinning between short breaths while his non-knife wielding hand was balled into the front of Gary's shirt, pressed down hard and holding him in place.

"Not so tough now, are ya pretty boy?" Gary cringed, the man's putrid breath making his nose wrinkle. He never looked down on others or judged them but part of him wondered if this could be an exception. He didn't respond to the question.

"Alright, now gimme whatcha got."

Gary stared at him, nervously, too nervous to move. That knife was way too close and it made him unwilling to budge, whether to comply or resist. The older man pushed him harder into the brick in irritation and the knife slid closer. The blond froze entirely at that, eyes squeezing shut. He was brave, sure. He was smart, sure. But right then he couldn't find either of these traits in himself at all.

"Hey! Leave him alone, asshole!"

Everything froze, the thugs both turning their heads to stare at the figure standing in the entrance of the alley, a black shadow from the streetlight behind him. Gary's eyes opened to stare intently at the new arrival holding something up and pointed at them that looked suspicious but too large to be a regular gun. If anything it looked like-

"Who the fuck- Get'em shorty!" The younger teen started forward, fists clenched and ready to take out the newcomer.

Several pressurized shots rang out and the kid screamed and stopped to clutch his thighs in pain, screaming. "HOLY FUCK THEY'RE NAILS."

"Hammer kick!" The nail gun wielding young man ran forward and instantly kicked the other in the thighs where several of the nails had punctured him, setting the metal in deeper with a horrible sound that made Gary cringe. A scream and the kid went down, wailing in pain as he clutched his thighs, all hope to remove the nails lost while he thrashed around on the ground.

Gary watched in shock, both he and his attacker startled for the moment while the 'hero' stepped around the young man and started toward them. His face was mostly obscured by large industrial goggles, black hair pushed backward with gel. A large belt full of hardware and power tools was strapped to his waist over a pair of tight black jeans tucked into thick working boots and a tight white T-shirt marked with a red circle and 'T' inside it adorned his chest. If it wasn't for the way he was carrying himself or the fact he'd just embedded several nails into a guy with a nail gun and his foot, the blond would have simply thought he was about to simply work on an intense construction project.

A shout and a hand gripped the back of his neck, yanking him from the wall while the knife pointed clumsily at his chin. He winced and held completely still whereas the new guy simply raised the nail gun eye level with the man. He waited, nerves shot while the two stared one another down, the larger man's comrade still blubbering in pain feet away while Gary's heart was busy pounding out of his chest.

"Let him go or I nail your eyes shut." The voice was deep, disguised.

"Why don't ya just take yer toys and get outta here, kid." the man replied but there was a tremor in his voice that betrayed his fear of the male's 'toys'.

It was fast, it was reckless, and by God it was terrifying. One moment the world was still and the next Gary was ducking toward the wall, the man on the ground with the hero crouched over him, one boot on the wrist of the knife-wielding hand as he pinned it to the ground. His heart roared in his ears, even faster now than it had been. He watched the other male slide a power drill from the holster with his free hand, finger on the trigger as he held it to the man's head.

"I want you to take your little asshole friend and screw off before I give you a free complimentary lobotomy." He growled out, teeth clenched. The man nodded, eyes wide and fearful in the holes of the skii mask. Slowly, the young man stood and stepped away from the man after kicking the knife out of his palm and sending it skittering across the concrete. He stood in front of Gary where he was crouched against the brick wall while the man scrambled to his feet and ran to his partner in crime. He barely stopped long enough to hoist the guy up properly before dragging him off and out of the alley to disappear from sight.

Gary slowly came to a stand, his heart still rattling in his chest from the after shock while his 'hero' turned and watched him though he wasn't entirely sure what the other was looking at behind the black visor of the goggles. The blond sighed, leaning his body full into the brick of the building, feeling disheveled and dirty as he probably looked with his jeans ripped and filthy, knees bloody, cheeks a bit flushed from the cold, and his shirt torn around the neck.

"You alright now?" his rescuer asked, face serious and flat as he holstered his other 'weapons'. Gary chuckled breathlessly.

"Well, as alright as I'm ever going to be looking like this." he joked, a nervous grin on his lips that didn't suit his usually calm face. "Thanks though, really. I was.. I was in a lot of trouble for a minute there."

The savior smiled. "All in a day's work."

The Mormon laughed lightly, his heart finally settling. He knew the man before him looked familiar but he couldn't for the life of him place who he was. He settled for teasing the man to ease his mind a little, make the heavy atmosphere lighter. His knees ached and his palms still burned as he run his fingers through his blond hair shakily. At that point, he'd had enough of serious-anythings. He simply wanted to feel like nothing bad had just happened, "And what shall I call my brave hero?"

"Toolshed." Gary almost laughed. He should have imagined it'd be something like that.

Instead, he grinned, chuckling. "Oh Toolshed, how will I ever repay you?" his tone was light as he mimicked the cliché saved damsel-in-distress line to the other.

He was surprised by the hero stepping into his personal space, leaning forward with a forearm resting against the brick beside Gary's head. A smooth grin slid into place on Toolshed's face as he feigned interest in his nails despite his hands being clad in thick construction gloves. He replied in a smooth rough voice, "How about a kiss?"

Gary's face flushed, unused to the attention much less someone hitting on him, and so blatantly too. Despite that he couldn't seem to put a name to the others identity, he found himself suddenly wanting to comply with the young man's request, his body recognizing the hero better in the dim light than his mind himself.

Doing something like that was wrong.. wasn't it?

Morals and hormones were raging somewhere in his mind but the rest of him was choosing to ignore it. Instead he leaned forward and brushed his lips lightly against the other male's, the contact brief and fleeting. He smiled a bit nervously, lingering there a moment with his breath mingling with his hero's.

"A kiss? That's a simple request." he murmured softly against Toolshed's lips still not leaning that extra inch required for a real kiss. Toolshed himself seemed to pause a moment before a grin spread across his face.

"Oh, I can think of a few ways to make it more complicated."

There wasn't time to respond, to ask what he meant or about his motives, before that inch was properly applied and the blond's face was being cradled in gloved hands while the hero's lips were molding to his own. Gary was taller but that didn't seem to discourage the hero at all. They moved against one another, his rescuer pulling him closer while the blond's hands rested lightly on his chest, the motion unsure but without protest. When the dark-haired male leaned away, the Mormon was flushed and his breathing uneven. Another grin and their lips met again, those heavily gloved hands sliding down to his hips and pulling him closer while a tongue slid across his lips. It was hot, spontaneous and above all, it was wrong but the moment he parted his lips and tangled tongues with the hero, he knew he had lost the battle. He couldn't resist the heat building beneath his skin or the way the others hand was snaking behind him, grasping hold of his rear in a bold gesture that made Gary gasp into the others mouth .

Shame was nonexistent, logic lost while there was only the feeling of being surrounded by the crime-fighter. He was held tight against the others warm body with that pleasant buzz of want, of need that he didn't quite grasp the understanding of. His thoughts were fogging up, a chill seeping into him from the cold air as Toolshed stepped away from him and grasped his hand, pulling him further down the alley.

The smell was terrible, the air suddenly hot and suffocating as they turned a corner. What were they doing? Gary wasn't even sure anymore. Something in the back of his mind was calling out to him, warning him of the 'hero's' intentions.

"Wait, I don't think this is... ah!" The blond began to protest but his back met with a new wall and suddenly a very warm, very hard body was pressing into his in a rush. It was a shock, all that sudden aggression and leather hide clad hands everywhere at once, petting and grasping wherever they landed. Thoughts derailed again, Gary found himself practically squirming beneath the other male's touch. It was almost shameful. He'd never considered himself the type that bent to anyone's will or at least in such a way, nor had he imagined such a situation. Lips and teeth attacked his neck, the goggles a minor annoyance as his skin was reddened with marks that made his fingers clutch at Toolshed's shirt. It wasn't until a hand roughly gripped the front of his jeans did he realize he'd even become aroused from the attention, too wrapped up in a war of emotions and sensations.

His head fell back and a loud groan erupted from him despite the sharp pain of his skull smacking the brick. If his heart hadn't been busy deafening him, he might've heard the other male's soft chuckle, but as it was he could barely distinguish sounds at that point. That hand was simply too distracting. It drove him crazy as his hips jerked forward, trying to gain more friction from the gloved fingers roughly massaging him.

There was a rustle and the blond watched with hooded hazel eyes as the hero slipped the glove from his free hand urgently with his teeth. There was a quick movement of impatience while the use of his newly bared hand focused on opening the front of Gary's jeans. He watched on silently, breath uneven and face hot as his pants were opened, barely noticing the split second of hesitance in the other male's movements. Toolshed leaned forward, goggles brushing against the other teen's face and a tongue slid hot along his ear, filling his hearing with eager heated breaths that caused the slightest of tremors in his hands.

It was nearly his undoing.

"Turn around." That husky voice, the disguised and deep tone made his skin prickle with goosebumps as it commanded him, urging him to obey it. The blond flushed but silently complied once the other leaned back enough to allow him room to turn. He faced the back wall of the building nervously, jerking in light surprise when the he heard metal clinking and a loud thump as the hero's tool-belt fell to the floor. In the next instant he had hands on his wrists, one gloved and one bare, leaning him forward and placing his concrete skidded palms to the brick. Gary felt his ears burn in embarrassment but he didn't protest, especially when those same hands slid down his arms and torso, a face burying itself into his hair. He didn't think his stomach could handle anymore flips.

It was wrong, so very wrong but all he wanted were those hands to keep going, one already sliding across his abdomen and into the front of his pants. His blond brow furrowed as the hide of the glove slipped into his boxers, the thick material rubbing him with a strange new sensation that had a grunt of pleasure scraping from his throat. It was hot, suffocating, despite the fact that he could hardly sweat properly in the cold chill of the air. The thumb of the glove rubbed the head of his erection, sliding against the slit in such a way that had his head hanging with deep moans, hazel eyes struggling not to watch himself being fished out of his pants by a stranger's hand.

The blond's breath hitched, a very warm and very male body sliding up against his back. His fingers clenched, pressing his nails into the brick while he was slowly stroked and teased with the glove hand. He groaned again, all protest gone as his jeans and boxers were pushed around his thighs, leaving him undoubtedly exposed now. The hand slid down, the hide material cupping his testicles roughly and making the blond's back arch with a gasp while the bare hand slid down and caressed him from behind. He jerked, body fidgeting restlessly from the dual attention while his jeans continued to slide and inch down his legs, leaving more and more skin vulnerable to the elements while it also allowed the hero behind him to silently persuade his legs into spreading further and further apart.

"That's it.. just like that.." the gruffness of the voice in his ear startled him, making him jerk in surprise. The front hand left his groin and instead slid up beneath his shirt, rubbing at his skin through the thick gloves. Teeth found his neck again, accompanied by hot breath and a wet tongue that made Gary groan all over again, a pinch to his nipple and he jerked backwards, ass grinding unintentionally against Toolshed's front.

There was a responding hiss and his hips were seized roughly. His breath caught in his throat when the other boy suddenly ground hard into his rear, the obvious hardness through the rough fabric of the male's jeans making his face hot all over again. The young man behind him groaned, hand sliding from Gary's hip and gripping his cock tightly all over again, making the blond buck with a grunt of surprise.

It was so fast, so sudden, so wrapped up in the feel of someone busily jacking him off that he hadn't realized the hero had undone his own jeans until he felt a naked hardness sliding between his thighs. He gasped loudly, hazel eyes wide as his head whipped to look over his shoulder. Lips crashed into his own, hips sliding against his and leaving that hardness rubbing between his cheeks. His stomach tightened, his orgasm building as the hand on his cock increased it's pace, pausing only to switch between the gloved hand and bare hand.

Gary's brow furrowed, muscles tensing desperately and a whine slid from his throat. The feeling of bare skin sliding along his cock soaked in his own precum was almost ruined what composure he possibly had left, his arousal spiking and the coil in his gut tightening painfully when the hand disappeared. A loud whine of frustration left him, his nose wrinkled in frustration and hands fisted against the wall. Toolshed's tongue slid across his lips sweetly while the blond's erection throbbed in protest, not enjoying the neglect in the least.

The hero's plan was made obvious soon enough.

A slick finger slid into his entrance and the blond froze up a moment. He heard a flop of fabric his the ground and noticed the second glove had been disposed of when he felt the newly bare hand slid up his back under his shirt, stroking the skin. His jaw clenched, the finger inside him now stroking him from the inside as he unwillingly relaxed against the male behind him.

"Yeah.. just relax.."

That voice was so familiar. It yanked at his conscience, his body automatically responding to the tone with a pleasant throb of need as a second finger slid its way in. It was strange, uncomfortable and new, a slow burn accompanying each scissoring stroke of the fingers inside him. But while it was slow, it was fast, like time couldn't make up its mind. Two became three and the pain was slipping away to an awkward and humiliating pleasure that had the blond fidgeting again, unsure if enjoying it was the right way to go right then considering the position he found himself in.

It was just.. him taking? It was strange and new, something that scared and excited him all at once. It was wrong, it was right. Oh God, what was he doing?

Some hotter, thicker than fingers were pressing into him now and he felt his back arch, tensing from the intrusion. His jaw clenched as the head made its way in, the hero pausing behind him all heavy breathing and clenched teeth, hands gripping his hips tight. "Relax." the hero urged roughly.

His body went limp, the only effort he put in was keeping himself standing and braced against the wall. The blond's ears burned, his fingers digging into the brick as he felt the other slowly pull out and push in, sinking further inside him with each thrust. He grunted each time, the mouth on his neck distracted him from the pain, sucking on his skin before a tongue dragged along his ear.

A pause, a breather once he was finally sheathed, leaving Gary's brow furrowed and panting in unison with his companion before all at once he was emptied and filled again in an instant with barely a proper moment to prepare himself. He barely had time to shout or protest before he did it again. And again. Over and over, thrusting hard into the Mormon who gasped and cried out at the contact. The hands slid up his torso, stroking his tensed and sweaty skin before sliding back to his hips.

"God... Gary.."

Gary's heart pounded at the sound of his name. It didn't even occur to him to ask how he knew him, the rush of his own lust in his blood almost deafening him as he groaned loudly, back arching pleasantly when-

"Oh fuck!"

The hero paused a moment, shocked at the word that had fallen from the blond's mouth before suddenly growling, "Fuck yes." and picking up his pace again. His hand pressed on the small of the taller blond's back, forcing his spine to arch as he thrust harder into the fit body bent over beneath him. His hands gripped the other tightly, hips snapping hard into him as he buried himself as deep at he could that had the blond arching and moaning with each impact to his prostate. Each thrust had a new obscenity spilling from the blond's mouth, the Mormon completely unaware and driving the tool-toting hero wild as the foul language seemed to send a shock straight to his groin each time.

"Shit, Toolshed I-.."

It was fast, it was filthy, it was.. so shameful but Gary hardly cared anymore. His skin was hot, tingling with oversensitivity. His head turned and his mouth found Toolshed's who eagerly stroked their tongue's together in a messy war of mouths, moans and muffled words being traded between the two. The pain barely registered any more, instead only pleasure and the sheer feeling of instinct and lust were what radiated between.

Gary nearly choked when a hand found its way down to his neglected erection, the sweat slick palm immediately stroking him while the hero's other hand wound its fingers into his hair. His head was yanked back, neck bared and his moans short and uneven when he felt a loud groan into his skin and teeth sinking into his shoulder blade, his name on the other male's lips. He felt the rush of liquid heat burning his insides and the way Toolshed's rhythm had become erratic and fast as he emptied himself inside the blond. He wheezed, stomach tightening and body tensing as the other remained inside him, his hand steadily pumping him without pause and winding him up higher and higher. He was so close.

"Fuck fuck fuck."

It was like a mantra, one that the tool-wearer was finding irresistible. A Mormon swearing? He knew he was achieving something fantastic and rare, Gary being the nice guy he always seemed to be. It was... Oh God, words couldn't describe what it was like to see the blond come undone in his hands like he was. He was always so calm, so collected but now he was so frantic, face strained and reaching for release.

"Come on.. Just let go, Gary."

The muscles seized up beneath his hands, tensing as his orgasm washed over him in a rush, the familiarity in the others voice and the tone doing a Spartan kick to knock him over the edge. His shoulders hunched, jaw clenched tightly as he felt his cock throb in the others hand before he finally came.

"Oh God.." he murmured softly, voice raw as he emptied onto the brick in front of him. "Oh.. Stan."

The hero instantly froze behind him and for a moment, the Mormon was blissfully unaware of what he had uttered as the last of his orgasm passed. But he could only stay ignorant so long when the sudden realization hit him and the hero stepped back, pulling out quickly and leaving the blond wincing in pain. He flushed brightly, breath still short as he leaned against the brick, turning and facing Toolshed who was clutching at his own jeans frozen, the material not quite on and not quite off.

"I-.. I don't know why I.."

"You..." But the vigilante didn't finish.

Gary stared at the ground silently, face red with shame. He really hadn't known why he'd said it, why he'd even thought of his old friend. Hell, he hadn't been thinking of him right then but his mind had called out for the name and without thinking, without realizing, he'd blurted it out. He could only imagine how the only male was feeling at this point.

"I'm sorry." he murmured softly. He'd never felt so bad about anything, his hands close to shaking as he painfully reached down and pulled his pants up properly. Gary bit his lip silently, feeling the evidence of their deed leaking a thick trail down the inside of his thighs. Oh gosh what had he done?

Toolshed didn't respond, instead the he looked pale and distracted, one hand reaching up and rubbing at his gel spiked hair in a way that made the Mormon think he looked almost nervous. Where had the confidence gone?

"You knew then."

Gary paused, hazel eyes lifting to train their gaze on the other male who seemed to be simply staring at the ground though it was hard to tell with the goggles. The blond watched him intently, quick to catch on. "...Stan?"

He shuffled his feet, and slid the goggles from his head and showed his face, reddening and marked a little from where he'd been sweating and where the plastic had dug snug into his skin. Even despite the marks and the altered hairstyle, it was undoubtedly Stan Marsh staring at him, face full of shame to match Gary's own.

And then it finally occurred to him, he had known it was Stan. Even if it wasn't conscious, he'd known instinctively from the start that it'd been the boy he went out of his way to talk to from time to time when he seemed like he needed it, the guy he sometimes admired for being himself no matter the situation. All this time, his body, his heart, had been trying to tell him what the rest of him couldn't seem to see or understand. He chewed his lip quietly, still just calmly watching the 'hero'. This was an awkward time to have such an epiphany.

"I'm sorry I-..." the other male started, face reddening. "I didn't mean to take it so far. I just.. I couldn't..."

"You couldn't stop."

Stan quietly looked at the blond who was calmly watching him, guilt washing over him in waves before he looked down again. "Yeah I.. I couldn't stop. You were just so.. and you looked.. God, and I couldn't just stop. I'm not even gay."

Gary didn't comment or respond, opting instead to simply listen.

"I.. At least I don't think I'm gay but then again I... Not to mention you're a Mormon and- Oh God what did I do?" Stan was panicking now, all his thoughts speeding and derailing at once, his blue eyes focused hard on the blond now. "We can just.. forget about this. You know, pretend it never happened. I know I probably just stained your soul or whatever and.. Oh God.."

He couldn't stop the small smile sliding across his lips as he watched the jock make a good impression of Tweek Tweek, almost at the point of tearing his hair out. Gary stepped forward quietly, using the moment that Stan turned to pace as a good distraction to slide his arms around the other, careful not to startle him. Stan stopped immediately, simply standing in silence with the Mormon's arms wrapped around his shoulders comfortably.

"It's fine if you want to forget, Stan. But personally, I think I want to remember this. I'm as much to blame for letting it happen but I don't really feel regret aside from the whole 'we just did it in a gross alley' sort of thing," Gary pressed his nose into the slightly shorter male's hair quietly, calmly hugging him despite his pounding heart. It's true he'd been embarrassed, humiliated even, but his guilt had calmed a good amount now that he knew who he'd been so seduced by.

".. You're sure?"

He nodded quietly.

The shorter dark-haired male turned in his arms, silently regarding him a moment before his expression softened though the guilt was still there. A small nervous smile slid onto his features before he seemed to actually look at the taller male properly. "Shit, dude. Your knees. I-.. I didn't even notice. I'm so sorry. You've gotta be hurting bad."

Gary grinned. "You could always make it up to me, hero."

Stan paused a moment before he ended up grinning in turn, his tone teasing. "Oh Gary, how will I ever make it up to you?"

"How about a kiss?"

"A kiss? That's it?"

"Oh and some band-aids would be nice."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you a new random GaryStan fic only this time, it's ToolshedGary. Yeah I uh, switched things up this time.

I was talking amongst my favorite people as usual and watching my South Park season DVD's when it occurred to me that a pairing wish Toolshed and Gary would be awesome.

Well, it was awesome for me.

There are probably grammatical errors in this fic. I honestly don't care about them right now. I'll go back and fix them all some other time.

I don't have a good Word Document thing. I think I'm using Open Office and my spell check and shit don't work on there.

I hope you guys liked it, I really do.

And I'm sure you noticed the title is similar to another work of mine; Of Jews and Superheroes.

I figured it was the same concept. You know, superhero stuff and all that. It just didn't end of being a threesome this time like Jews and Superheroes did. PFFFFT. And uh.. you know.. this one has alley sex and all... / u /

Everyone thank my dear Pandy.

Because she's amazing.

And helped me in writing this and all.

Pandy = Pandabomb

She writes too.

golookatherstuff

Thank you to all my faithful reviewers and those of you supporting Insert Mormon Pun Here. Any more love and I just might get around to part 3 of it.

EDIT: I went through and revised a bunch of things. :I Just saying.