A/N: I'm so sorry that I've been gone for so long! My computer broke. x.x. But it's all fixed now, so I guarantee you that I'll be posting much more often!
Now, I know that L's kinda OOC in this, but I'm sorta aiming more for humor than characterization. Lol. Now, in case y'all are as spacey as Mr. Honeydew, Rhinovirus is actually a fancy term for the common cold. XD And I'd be really disappointed if you guys didn't know about Rebecca Black, i.e., the reincarnation of Satan, most famous for her retarded-ass song "Friday." Other than that, enjoy!
Roger was having a delightful time watching I Love Lucy in his office, eating rocky road and laughing heartily at the fact that Mello was suffering. He was about to go check on the boys (you know, to make sure they hadn't blown anything up yet), when the telephone rang. "Yes, yes, hello?" he asked, gulping down the ice cream.
"Roger. It's me."
The man hurriedly put down the container of ice cream and cleared his through. "Ryuzaki! What a suprise! Could I help you with something?"
Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, the greatest known detective in history, L, was busily watching Watari pack a bag for him, while munching on chocolate chip cookies. "Roger, haven't you heard yet? Beyond Birthday has escaped from prison," he said before biting his nail. Not many things could make L nervous. This was one of the few that could.
Roger gasped and stuttered. "T-That's impossible! He's locked up tight in Guantanamo Bay! NO ONE escapes from there! Except for Harold and Kumar, but THOSE guys are like Jesus!"
L shrugged, taking a nibble off the cookie. "You know B. He's a genius. Mentally insane, but ingenious nonetheless. I'm heading home now. If he makes it to Wammy's House, you know what he'll do."
Roger gulped as he imagined what B would do. "Oh, God. Sir, you can't come back! He'll destroy you!"
"Roger. Listen to me. It's me he wants, and if I'm not there, he's kill everyone in the house a thousand times over. He won't kill me; You know he won't." L glanced up at Watari, who was staring worriedly at the detective. L attempted to smile reassuringly, but couldn't bring himself to do it. He himself wasn't reassured. "Make sure everyone is accounted for and safe, do you hear? Watari and I are in Paris now. Our plane leaves in an hour." No goodbye, no safe wishes; L just hung up.
Roger sucked in a deep breath and shook a few Xanax pills into his mouth. He quickly grabbed the microphone on his desk, and the following words were broadcasted throughout the school grounds. "Attention, children! There is a vital emergency! This is not a drill, I REPEAT, this isn't a drill! Everyone is to report to their dorm rooms right away! Keep your doors and windows locked, and leave the lights off! Again, I say, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I will come round momentarily to make sure everyone is accounted for! Do not open the door to anyone who isn't me, understand! And all staff are to report to the teacher's lounge. NOW GO!" After getting off the air, the aging man sucked in a deep breath, along with another Xanax. Then another. Then another. "I'm getting too damn old for this," he murmured, grabbing a clipboard and pen.
He first went to the girl's dorm. Everyone was present and accounted for. When a few especially rebellious girls wanted to go into town, Roger told them that a terrifying rapist was prowling about, which brought an end to their wishes to leave. All in all, an easy task getting them to stay in. The sun was just about set, making Roger move faster. In the boy's dorm, they didn't ask questions about leaving, which made Roger think this would be easy after all. But then he got to the last two remaining rooms.
Mello and Matt's room was empty. As was Near's. At first, Roger began to panic, but then shook his head and chuckled at himself. Of course, they were outside cleaning his car! How could they have heard the announcement? So the aging, Xanax-packed man hurried out to the front of the building to warn his remaining students of the impending danger.
But Near, Mello, and Matt weren't there.
And neither was Old Betsy.
Roger stared at the blank spot where Old Betsy used to sit for a long, long time. His eyebrow twitched and he began to perspire violently. Roger calmly crossed himself and sank to his knees before looking up to the heavens and shouting
"WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL THAT FUCKING MELLO UNTIL HE'S SERANADING SATAN IN THE FIRE PITS OF HELL! I WILL CUT HIS FUCKING LEGS OFF AND SERVE THEM FOR SUPPER! GRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!"
He then passed out on the ground, his pills spilling out onto the lawn and all the other children watched from their windows in a mix of fear and amusement.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a shiver ripped up Mello's spine. "I just felt a premonition of doom..." he muttered, looking all around in fear.
Matt rolled his eyes. "Quit being dramatic, you're probably just cold. It is getting pretty chilly, for summer..."His eyes wandered to the smallest of their trio. "You look cold, too, Near. We should get closer for warmth and-"
"No," the albino answered without hesitation, and Mello let out a bark of a laugh.
Matt elbowed his best friend and scowled. He was about to say something nasty back, when he noticed where they were. "Dude, there's Honeydew's Towing, just like the freaky guy said! C'mon!" He hurried forward, and, Mello and Near scurried to keep up. It was getting very dark, and all three boys (and Optimus Prime) were becoming wary, to say the least.
The tow yard was a bit of a dump. There were very few cars, and the ones that were there weren't taken care of very well. Except for Old Betsy, who was sitting all alone in a corner, with barely a mark on her. "Awesome!" Mello shouted, and collapsed onto his knees. "Thank you, GaGa!" he shouted to the darkening skies. Without a moment's hesitation, he jumped back to his feet and darted over to where Old Betsy resided. "Gakk!" he croaked when Matt grabbed his collar without a bit of warning. "The fuck is your problem!"
"It's on bricks, dumbass," the red head said, pointing out the car's tragic flaw. "We'll have to talk to the owner. I'm sure he'll spare us because we're kids."
Mello quirked his head to the side and thought deeply. "Oh well. The GaGa giveth, and the GaGa taketh away."
Near frowned and whispered something to his little toy robot before nodding. "Don't worry, Optimus Prime says he'll do all the talking. He's very smart with words." And on that note, the boy turned and shuffled off to the tower's head office. Mello and Matt thought about what he had just said for a long moment before looking at each other in horror.
But they were too late. Near had already knocked on the door, and it had already been open. In the entry way was a portly man in a stained wifebeater, with a beer in one hand and a greasy slice of pizza in the other. "Wuzzamatter?" he asked, clearly drunk.
Near turned to his robot friend. "Go ahead, Optimus Prime."
The next ten seconds were full of silence. No one did anything, except for Near, who was nodding in understanding.
"This some kind of joke?" the tower demanded after that awkward bout of quiet. He was surprised when Near held up a stern hand.
"It's very impolite to interrupt, sir."
And with that, Mello yanked Near away and Matt tried to patch up the situation reasonably. While Mello was whispering angry threats to Near, while Matt was chattering away nervously. "I'm so very sorry about that, Mr. Honeydew, our friend isn't well. He's got a mental disorder."
The man belched loudly, and Matt very nearly gagged. "What disease izzat?"
Matt stared blankly. "Lukemi...no, er, muscular dystroph...um. Rhinovirus. He's got it bad. Only a month to live."
"Ohhh, damn," Mr. Honeydew said, glancing at Near, who was being yelled at by Mello. "Poor bastard. Well, what can I do you for, boys?"
"You towed our car earlier, sir, the red Ford. We had only left it for a second, and REALLY need it bad. Like, REALLY BAD," Matt continued, trying his hardest to look like a young, innocent boy and a stern man at the same time.
The man belched again. "Sure thing, boys. That'll just be 2 Gs."
Mello stopped yelling at Near long enough to cock an eyebrow at Mr. Honeydew. "Gs...you want us to bring you two gangsters?"
Through the shock, Matt managed to croak "No, Mello...two thousand."
Mello gasped, his face turned red in anger. He stormed forward, shoving Matt out of the way to the tower. "Where the hell do you get off charging a bunch of kids that much money!"
Matt hurriedly shoved his best friend behind him. "Forgive him, he's got Rhinovirus too. We all do." He bit his lip hard enough to draw a few tears. "It's just so AWFUL living with this h-horrible disease. It killed our parents, and it's gonna take our lives now!" Those six months of acting classes must have paid off, because Matt burst into entirely convincing tears. Mello, realizing what his best friend was doing, promptly began to fake cry as well, and hurried to hug his red headed companion. Near was still chattering with Optimus Prime, and didn't get the jist that Mello and Matt were throwing at him. So Matt (all too gladly), hugged Near tight and sobbed into his shoulder, completely hiding the emotionless child's face from the truck driver.
"Now, now, kids, no crying!" Mr Honeydew said hurriedly. "Listen, I'll knock it down to $1000! I can't go no lower, though, I'm sorry."
Matt threw his head back and screamed to the sky "WHYYYYYYYYYYY, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! WHY US!"
"Fine, fine, $500! But I'll go outta business if I go any lower!"
"But wh-wh-where are we gonna find five-hundred dollars?" Mello fake-sobbed.
Mr. Honeydew thought for a moment before snapping his fingers. "I got it! There's a karaoke contest down at BJ's Bar! The grand prize is $500 and a free meal! I'll bet if you kids told them about your condition, they'd be more likely to let you win!"
The boys exchanged glances. Mello grinned, knowing he was an awesome singer, and Near furrowed his brow, knowing he had never sung a note in his life. Matt loved singing, but didn't know if it was any good. Mello was always yelling at him to shut the hell up whenever he sang in the shower, so he presumed it sucked.
"Awesome!" Mello said, switching from tears to smiles in mere seconds. "Thanks, Mr. Honeydew!" He gripped Matt and Near's hands and started running.
As he watched the boys run away, Mr. Honeydew sniffed. "Those poor kids. Why would God ever give such innocent kids a disease like Rhinovirus? I dunno what that is, but it sounds terrible. Damn shame…" he uttered before finally returned to his office.
Meanwhile, Mello had managed to drag Matt and Near a few hundred yards before Near broke free, panting. "Why must we hurry so?" he gasped.
Mello rolled his eyes, as if this was the stupidest question he had ever heard. "So we aren't late, duh. I doubt the judges are gonna wanna vote for us if we're the last ones to walk in! Hurry your asses up!" The blonde darted forward, expect the others to follow.
Matt frowned and turned to Near. "I don't think he's realized yet that he has no idea where BJ's Bar is."
The two boys waited patiently for a few minutes before they spotted Mello in the distance, trudging back to them. "I dunno…where the bar is," he panted.
"It's on 4th street," Near said, more to Optimus Prime than his other two human companions.
Matt's frown deepened. "And how do you know this, Near?"
Near shrugged. "It's across the street from the toy store. I know the way. I know how to get anywhere from the toy store. It's like the North Star."
Mello clenched his teeth. "Even home?"
Matt was the only thing blocking Mello from slugging Near across the face. "Mels, calm down, come on!"
Mello was literally seeing red. "You stupid little FUCK, why didn't you say anything earlier!" He shouted, trying to pounce on Near.
Near held Optimus Prime up as protection and quivered. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't think about it earlier! I can only get there from the toy store anyway!"
Mello clenched his pale hands, imagining that they were squeezing Near's skinny little neck.
"Mello!" shouted Matt. "Stop! Stop it! Would GaGa approve of this, Mello!"
With those words, Mello sucked in a deep breath, trying very hard to compose himself. "You're right. Y-You're right, GaGa would be greatly displeased." He forced a smile. "I'm good now."
"Fuck off," the blonde spat, before shoving Near in front of them. "Lead the way, bitch."
"Ohhh, my head…." Roger murmured, gently touching his aching forehead. The sky was already dark, and he had been awakened by the vibrations of his cell phone in his pocket. "Hello?" he answered groggily.
"Roger. It's L. Is everything alright there?"
Oh shit. Did he tell L about how Near, Matt and Mello were in mortal danger, or say they were fine to save his own ass? Nah, L would find out sooner or later. "L, I'm sorry, but…Mello and Near and Matt took my car. I have no idea where they went."
"…I'm sorry, I don't believe I heard you correctly, Roger."
Roger took a Xanax from the grass and popped it in his mouth. "Well, um, funny story, really, I told Mello to clean my car, and Near and Matt helped him, and….now they're all off in Winchester somewhere. Funny, right? We're going to be laughing at this one day. Haha! I'm already laughing! Hahaha!"
At this time, L was on a flight-first class, of course-with Watari, and they were just about to land in England. L's hand clenched on the phone. "Pardon me a moment, Roger." He covered the phone receiver with a hand.
Roger couldn't hear everything that L was screaming, but he caught a few words, such as "FUCK", and "KILL", and "REBECCA BLACK" and "STRANGLE."
"….L, I'll call you back," Roger croaked, and hung up before he could finish hearing what L would do to him when he got here.
"Dear sweet God," he whispered, beginning to shake. "Please let Mello, Matt and Near get home safely. I promise I won't threaten Mello's life for a whole week if you allow them to come home. Amen."
A/N: Next time:
Near, Matt and Mello have a karaoke smackdown, and meet a very famous person. But will this encounter threaten everything they've been working for to get home, especially if Mello can't control his urges? Will they EVER get home? Will Mr. Honeydew realize what Rhinovirus actually is? Will B make another appearance? Will Bella choose Jacob or Edward! Find out the answer to all of these in the next installment of "An Evening in Winchester!"