Okay... so, I published this a while back on another site, but figured it'd get some decent recognition here. I'm not really sure how I feel about this piece now that I've gotten distance from it. Let me know what you think?
Alex, my love,
I have been awake for hours, unable to sleep though the nightmares. Some things never change I imagine you'd tell me in the morning when you find me on the couch.
It is extremely hard for me to write this. You have been out of Witness Protection for two years and I haven't seen or heard from you. It makes me wonder if I should have held onto my love for you. Yes, Alex, I still love you. It is my memories of you that have kept me going so long.
The reason I'm spending this Wednesday night writing to you is because I need to tell someone. I've thought about calling you or tracking you down to tell this to you, but I am still afraid. That was always our biggest problem, wasn't it? My fears of being outed as a lesbian, a lesbian cop. But somehow you managed to get past that and accept my fears. You let me be straight in public and come out once we were inside the comfort of our apartments.
I know we never had a proper first date, so here it is in writing: If you do still want me, I will take you out. I will hold your hand and give you everything you deserve. But there is one thing I need from you. I need the Alex Cabot I had all to myself. The woman who held me when case's got into my head. I need the woman who saved me from myself on so many occasions. I need the Alex who never judged me when I confessed my secrets.
Alex, I am almost ashamed to tell you this. Ashamed isn't the right word, it's once again fear. I know you won't think any less of me because of that's happened, but it's hard to tell you. It's hard to tell anyone. But I've never trusted anyone the way I've trusted you, so I think you should be the one to hold me up, not Fin and not my therapist.
I can see your eyes, now, those sky blue eyes looking at me, begging me to open up. It's never been easy for me to talk, Alex, you know that. I didn't talk about my mother when I was growing up. That silence has made its way into my adult life too. I haven't even told Elliot and he and I are so close.
My work always scared you, especially when I did dangerous things. Well, I put myself in the most dangerous situation imaginable. I went undercover in a women's prison. A guard was raping inmates and raped a girl on the outside. He needed to be stopped and I was going to be the one to stop him. I did stop him. He's in prison right now, probably the bitch for some prison gang. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
But, Alex, stopping him came with at a price. In the basement of that prison, the guard, a Captain, tried to rape me. It is easier to write then I expected. Maybe because I know I won't send it. It will sit in the box with all the other letters I've written you over the years. If the day comes when you want me back, you'll read these.
Until, then, my love, I'll leave you with the three words you never heard from me in public: I love you.
With all my heart,
You think I should uncover some more of Olivia's letters to Alex?