You said to me that you never liked the way that night time in this city is orange. Not blue like you remember it, back home, from when we were kids. And you looked up at the sky, pressed your lips together, and hunted for the stars that don't show up. I wanted to comfort you. No, the stars never come out here, but all the windows light up. I wonder how you could say this place doesn't feel like home, because it feels like home to me.
We got in the car and we drove. The engine buzzed; at that moment I wondered if you felt like a bee that never quite reached your hive. All that time we spent driving around in circles, buzzing and waiting and stalling and sighing… what was I looking for? I wanted to be wherever you were going, sweetheart, but you didn't know where.
When the sun came up, you were asleep in the back seat. We were parked under a tree on the outskirts of town. The windows were all wet, and the light on your face was red. You never looked so peaceful. I never felt more at home.
You opened your eyes. I looked away, pretended to be hunting for something in the glove compartment, afraid you knew I'd been watching and wishing more than anything that I could be closer. That I could feel the breath fluttering from your lips.
"Watching me sleep?" you said. I didn't make a sound. "Lucas." Oh God. Don't say my name, not now, you don't know what it does to me. I wanted to say something, to be cool, to awe you into falling in love with me, just as hard as I fell for you. I could hear you sitting up, could feel your eyes burning into the back of my head, and I wanted to melt into the seat and disappear under your judgement.
Then you were touching me, you had my wrist, you were pulling me into the back seat, you were underneath me, I was leaning awkwardly against the side of the car because I didn't want to crush you but you held me closer than I had ever dreamed. Our lips touched. I tried to push you away, a little half-heartedly, I mumbled that you were tired, you didn't know what you were doing, but our clothes were sliding off…
"Barry, let go."
You didn't let go.
"This isn't right."
The noises you were making told me you thought it was anything but wrong.
"I'm falling in love with you," you whispered in my ear.
"No." How could you? Is that even possible? I'm me, and you're… you're so…
You laughed a little. I felt stupid, but that's a given when I'm with you.