So, this fic is slightly influenced by an episode of Community that I saw called "Modern Warfare". Just the idea of making a paintball war like a real war, with the dramatic quoting of different movies-this fic will only have quotes from movies the guys watch, though, so Star Wars, Star Trek, etc. Anyways, hope you enjoy the fic. Also, I do not own anything.
Leonard leaned against the kitchen counter as he watched Sheldon pace in front of the couch, the phone glued to his ear.
"No, I understood your insult; you don't have to explain it!" Sheldon snapped, his left eye beginning to twitch.
The theoretical physicist had been on the phone for at least twenty minutes now, barking rather weak retorts at whomever he was speaking to. Leonard now watched his roommate curiously, eager to find out what was going on.
"Is bringing that up really necessary?" Sheldon asked, quickening his pace. The change in speed caused him to look as though he was walking in a small circle instead of pacing. "Oh really? Well then buckle up for this scathing come back!"
Leonard raised an eyebrow as Sheldon began ranting in Klingon, making odd gestures with his hands from time to time. He leaned in closer, trying to keep up with the conversation.
Penny entered the apartment at that moment, eyes widening slightly when she saw Sheldon. She gave Leonard an inquiring look and he shrugged back at her. The waitress slowly made her way over to the kitchen, glancing at Sheldon every few seconds.
"Hey," said Leonard, giving her a quick kiss when she came up beside him.
"Hey," she said, eyes glued to the bizarre scene before her. "Uh...what's going on?"
Leonard shrugged again. "I don't know. I just came in and...this was happening."
"Well, who's he talking to?" Penny asked, crossing her arms and resting them on the counter. She didn't like seeing Sheldon so worked up; it usually led to him taking his frustrations out on others, and after a hard day of serving low-tipping complainers, she really wasn't in the mood to deal with whatever was causing her neighbour to shout in an alien language.
"Well, he's been throwing out insults in an attempt to make himself clearly seem superior, so he could be talking to...well, anyone...," said Leonard, remembering the time Sheldon had called up the pizza place to complain about their food being insufficient.
Sheldon stopped suddenly and then began nodding slowly. "It shall be so," he whispered darkly. Then, he promptly hung up the phone and scowled.
"Who was that?" Leonard asked pleasantly, his voice not conveying how truly interested he was to know.
"That, Leonard," Sheldon replied, setting the phone down on the table. "Was one Wil Wheaton." The theoretical physicist narrowed his eyes, looking off into the distance menacingly.
"Sheldon, sweetie, why do you call him if you know it's just going to upset you?" Penny asked.
"The same reason I read his twitter feed," Sheldon explained. "One must know their enemy."
"Right," said Penny, drawing the word out. "So, what did he want?"
"Wil Wheaton has challenged me. At precisely one o'clock this Saturday we shall engage in an epic battle to the death."
Leonard took this as his cue to jump in and implement reason. "Now, when you say, "Epic battle to the death", you really mean...?"
"We're playing paintball on Saturday," Sheldon explained, momentarily breaking his sombre character.
"Good," said Leonard, sighing in relief. His girlfriend, however, was not so quick to relax.
"So, you and Wheaton are going to be duelling...one-on-one...on Saturday?" Penny asked cautiously. She had a dreadful suspicion that Sheldon had managed to get all of them involved in this little war of revenge he was plotting. She really had nothing against Wil Wheaton-all he'd ever done was empathize with her about the "I love you" situation with Leonard. It's not like he had actually wanted them to break up. As to why Sheldon hated him so much, she still wasn't sure. The whackadoodle had never said anything directly, but she vaguely remembered it having something to do with his grandmother.
"That his correct," said Sheldon, returning to looking off into the distance.
Penny smiled, satisfied that she was now free to spend the weekend in peace.
"Except for the one-on-one part, as we will be playing teams," Sheldon continued after taking a long pause. "Which means you, Leonard, Wolowitz, and Koothrapali will join me in my quest for power."
Penny groaned, letting her head fall to the table. She knew it'd been too good to be true.
"FYI, our first team meeting is tomorrow at four," Sheldon added, breaking character again. "Be sure to bring a notebook and plenty of graph paper."
Penny was tempted to give Sheldon "the moving finger", but decided against it and just went for another irritated groan.
"Don't worry, you can borrow some of my graph paper," Leonard said sarcastically, smiling teasingly as he squeezed her shoulder.