She wished she had a button like the ones in the human's television ads. An "easy" button.
Shayera knew exactly what she'd use it on, too. She'd look at John laughing with Vixen and press it and press it.
She'd look at the stranger in that damn full length mirror in her closet, she'd remember who she once was and press it until it broke.
Then in her endless frustration she's throw it with all her strength, the mirror would shatter, the button would be trapped in the hole it made in the wall, and she'd wonder when she lost the fire that once welled within her.
This was ludicrous, and it wasn't about John, it wasn't. It was about herself, and that lingering lack of fierceness she felt in everything she did. Once, she stood with her back straight, proud and fierce. A warrior with a glare that rivaled The Batman's.
Now her hair hung down in front of her eyes, she was an unspoken joke to all of them, met with sneers and pity. Nobody treated her like they used to, nobody. She knew it was her own fault, not only because of her actions, but her own body language. They looked at her that way because she let them.
She hated it.
Shayera inhaled deeply as she stared at her full length mirror. She held her shoulders up high, puffed her chest and examined her reflection for a good moment before letting the air out of her lungs. It was useless. Something was missing, something, something.
The door closed behind her with a light 'swish' and the desolate hallway of the watchtower was far more inviting then it should have been. If nothing else the silence indicated that on the Northern hemisphere it was night time.
It was easier this way, she felt more comfortable at night, the commissary was empty as she expected it to be. Only two or three lights were on in order to conserve energy. She didn't bother flipping the light switch, she enjoyed the dark, yes, it was better this way.
For her dinner she chose a small variety of fruits, knowing she was not capable of stomaching anything else at the moment. She hadn't been for quite some time. Her nails clawed at the orange in her hand, ripping off the skin, her stomach in knots.
Frustration rose within her, as the skin of the orange took far too long to peel, juices dripped along her hands, and she wished she could peel her own skin back and find what she was once underneath, too.
Her hand clenched around the orange, the rips in it's skin nearly mocking her,and with an angry grunt she threw it with far less strength then she would've liked. Her body felt so damn heavy.
When she didn't hear the orange hit the wall she looked up, and in the dim light stood The Flash, orange in hand, completely peeled. "Here ya go." he presented it to her with a smile.
She nearly wept.
Instead she breathed and reached out, taking the peeled orange from him. "Thank you." her voice sounded quietly hitched even to her own ears, and she willed herself not to make eye contact, hoping he didn't notice. She didn't want him to ask her, she didn't want sympathy or pity. She was sick of pity.
She wasn't depressed. She wasn't. She was frustrated, she was angry about not being able to be angry.
There was a haze covering her skin and she wanted to destroy something, perhaps herself, to get it out.
But she couldn't will up the strength.
And perhaps Wally knew how she felt, because he didn't ask. He just zipped over to the fridge and made a disapproving sound the in the back of his throat. "There's nothing good in here!"
Shayera did her best to swallow away any sort of disdain she felt for herself, tried to will herself to just let it go, at least for a moment. "I'm pretty sure Kara has some leftover Lasagna in there."
"What, and get my head melted off?" Wally laughed, and the sound of his voice was more calming then she thought it should be. "Nah, I think I'll just have some fruit, too. Mind if I join you?"
Normally he didn't ask, he knew he didn't need to, but she liked that he did. "Go ahead." She kept her voice even, and felt strangely proud of the simple accomplishment.
Less then a second later he was seated before her, a pile of oranges rolling on the table, while his hands busied themselves, peeling them faster then she could blink.
"Why oranges?" She found herself asking, her own hands busing themselves peeling apart each section of orange. She hesitated putting them in her mouth, she watched him instead as he looked up at her, smiling again. "Cause they're good, and it's fun peeling them with super speed."
She felt her lips tilt into a smile, only a moment ago she was surrounded by rolling oranges, now all were peeled and stacked neatly in a line in the middle of the table. "Help yourself!" Though maybe he was saying it more to himself because he began devouring them far too quickly for her to even attempt to keep up.
By the time she ate the first section of her orange, he had already finished three. Her hands were sticky, and the sweet juices made the sides of her lips burn, but it was good. This was good.
She felt good, and Wally grinned at her, as if he sensed her mood lifting a bit. "Feeling better yet?"
Shayera felt herself frown, and nearly winced herself when she saw Wally's lips follow suit. Guilt. She was sick of feeling guilty. She wanted to change the subject, she didn't want to answer him and lie, or even worse, answer him and tell the truth.
Luckily for her, he dropped it rather quickly. "Oh! I almost forgot! I haven't seen your new room yet!"
The distraction was welcome. She blinked in a mock surprise. "Really?"
He smiled. "Yup! Come on, you should show me."
The citrus settled in her stomach uncomfortably, but she swallowed the last piece of it down. "I don't know Wally..."
"Oh come on Shay~! Please?" He didn't wait for her to answer, instead he stood and in a flash he cleaned off the table before taking her wrist and leading her out of the commissary. She didn't fight him, and she wondered if she would have a few years back. Back then she was so sure of her desires.
There were no 'I don't know's' then, now she wasn't sure about anything, and before she could really decide they were in front of her door. But he didn't open it for her. He could have, he could use his security override. He didn't. Instead he looked at her, silently willing her to make the choice herself.
Her heart lurched at that, how the hell did he know? She swallowed the lump in her throat and breathed again, feeling her wings twitch lightly as she entered her key code in the door. It swished open again, she walked inside and hesitated before stepping aside and inviting him in.
She instantly regretted it.
"It's nice!" Wally said, that same happy enthusiasm in his voice like normal. But she knew he was lying, even if he didn't know he was, she knew. It was so...empty. A bed and a desk, a chair and a full length mirror attached to the closet door, which was open, and only seemed to reflect the lack of character even more.
The door 'swished' closed, and without the lights of the hallway the room went dark. Suddenly she felt closed in by her own glaringly empty walls. She felt her arms wrap around her body, her hands gripping her shoulders. "No, it's not. It's barren and empty and dull and there's nothing to see at all."
She didn't need to look at him to know his smile was gone, instead she stared at the only window in the room, at the sliver of moonlight it let in. "Hey..." He spoke, and she could hear her mattress shift as he sat on the bed. "You just got back a few weeks ago! Besides, you should see my apartment. It's no better."
Shayera breathed deeply again, trying to will herself to drop her hands, to not hold herself like a child.
When she heard Wally let out a little sigh, she turned to look at him in the dark, the only bit of moonlight reflecting off of his deep red costume. "It's just a room, Shay. It doesn't define you, not really."
And the way his voice sounded so light, even when he was serious, made her believe that maybe it really didn't define her. Her arms dropped and her wings stretched a bit in the dark, it calmed her, knowing there was room to breathe.
The mattress shifted as she sat next to him on the bed and slouched, her back still aching. He tapped his foot lightly, if nothing else because he couldn't sit still, and she knew, she didn't mind. She stared ahead into the mirror on the closet door, seeing herself and the Flash, seated side by side in the dark.
A thought occurred to her, and the way she abruptly sat up startled Wally just a bit. She felt herself grin a little, and her wings fluttered when he grinned awkwardly back. "Take off your mask." Her bluntness surprised them both.
But she liked it, and when he asked "Why?" for the first time in a long time she felt sure of herself and what she wanted.
"Because I want to see your face. I've never really gotten a good look."
For once she was faster then him, before he could protest she lifted her hands to his face. Her palms brushed his cheeks and her fingertips gripped the fabric of his costume. But she didn't take it off, she wanted to, (god she wanted to,) but not against his will.
Wally bit his lip, but only lightly, swallowed a bit and spoke. "O-Ok."
She wondered why he was hesitating, was it because he didn't trust her? She felt a sinking cold in her stomach at that thought. No, no this was Wally. He trusted her, he was the last person in the world who trusted her.
She was renewed, and she didn't hesitate pulling off his mask. Red hair, green eyes, and to anyone else, they'd look alike. But he looked so different to her, and she loved it. "There." Her voice was softer then intended. "That's better."
And though It was dark, she knew he was flushing. "Happy now?" He immediately winced when he said it, but this time she wasn't affected. She was still staring at him, her wings shifting involuntarily, just happy with being able to see his real emotions in his real eyes.
Something about this was so familiar to Shayera, and it didn't take much searching of her memory to realize why. She found herself wondering if John felt the same way when he first saw her face. More then anything she wondered why remembering that didn't make her heart ache, why she wasn't afraid to remember the love she lost.
Wally was staring back at her too, his legs shaking lightly, a million thoughts flashing behind his eyes as he bit his lip.
He was moving closer to her, and it was all so cliché, it was all happening the same way as it did before, except this time she wasn't unsure. It was almost funny, once she had been sure about everything but John.
Now she was sure about nothing but Wally. Their lips met, a gentle brush at first, and her stomach finally settled.
They pulled back and she knew what was going to happen. They'd stare at each other for a minute, and he'd get scared and if she let him, he'd run.
But she wasn't going to let him run, not when she finally caught him. Not when she finally realized that she had been trying to.
And as they pulled back and looked at each other she knew what she wanted to do. She buried her fingers into his hair, and pulled him back to her, pressing their lips together fiercely.
It shocked her just a bit, just how quickly he responded. But arm was around her waist and her body was pressing closer to his as he kissed her right back.
Both pulled apart for a quick gasp of air before they kissed again, each touch of their lips becoming more and more heated. She felt her wings spread out as Wally pressed her down against her own bed, their lips collided again and her arms wrapped around his neck as their tongues met.
A rush of fabric and a warm, warm bare hand pressed against her exposed stomach, and it jumped lightly at the touch. God how long had it been since she was last touched anywhere? She kissed him again, her hand clenching his hair, her body arching into that warm, warm hand as it slid up her stomach. Yes, yes yes yes yes.
Wally's fingertips touched the fabric of her sports bra and he immediately pulled back from her. "W-Wait."
Shayera nearly cried out in fear, her hands gripping the fabric of his costume, holding it as tightly as she could, scared he would run.
He shook his head lightly, his breathing heavily and setting his bare hands on her own. "S-Shayera. I-I don't-"
Shayera felt herself frowning, trying to mask her fear with frustration, she looked him straight in the eyes.
"What? You don't find me attractive?"
"N-No! That's not it! Of course I do, you're beautiful! You're so beautiful and-" He flushed and stopped himself before he rambled. Cute. "I...I just don't-"
She interrupted him, feeling impatience rise, feeling icy fear jolting through her. "You don't want to...what?" Inwardly she was teetering on the edge, inwardly she was pleading 'please, please don't tell me you don't think of me like that, please don't tell me you can't think of me this way.'
And perhaps she wasn't hiding her emotions as well as she thought, because his eyes widened and worriedly he said. "No! It's not what you think! It's just...I...I don't want to..." he flushed, wincing as he said it and she couldn't tell if he were afraid of hurting her or making her angry. "I don't want to take advantage of you, Shay."
For a moment, she was breathless. Her hands let go of his costume. For a moment, she understood just how long sixty seconds must feel to him. He started to shift, moving to get off of the bed, and she didn't need to think before acting.
Her hands dug into his hair again, and his lips found hers again, and he lightly protested into the kiss, but she was stronger then him, and she kept him there until he gave up and kissed her back.
When they pulled apart and he opened his mouth to speak, she silenced him. "I'm not a child." She took another deep breath, her shoulders aching, her wings trembling. "Wally. I need this. I need it, please don't make me beg you. I don't want to have to beg you. I want you to want me, dammit, and I don't want you to think even for a second that you're doing something wrong."
He stared at her again, before smiling just a little. "Are you sure?" She felt herself grin a bit, he always had to be the nice guy, didn't he?
"What did I just say?" Her tone was a little more firm, a little more fierce then it had been in a long time, his eyes widened before he grinned himself and kissed her again.
Warmth spread through her again as she lay back against the bed, her wings spreading out along the fabric, his body climbing on top of her. His hand returning to it's place on her stomach, their lips colliding again and again, trying to rematch their previous pace.
The base of his palm began sliding up her stomach again, their kisses becoming more heated again, she opened her mouth for him and he tasted strongly of sweet oranges. Each and every knot in her spine began to seemingly dissipate. This time when his fingertips reached the fabric of her sports bra, he didn't stop.
Shayera gasped out as he stroked the skin between her breasts, she could feel his hand straining underneath the tight fabric. Her wings spread out and she shifted, her hands gripping her bra and throwing it off before she could give it a second thought.
Wally's eyes widened, and if he hesitated she didn't notice, because his lips were suddenly at her neck, tongue touching her skin, dipping into her collarbone, and her body was arching off the bed, low gasps leaving her. Her hands once again buried in his hair, tugging lightly as he moved, her wings shifted again, extending and retracting against the sheets.
And his hands, his hands were warm, and large, and they were more attentive then John's had ever been, kneading and stroking the skin of her breasts. Not too soft though, no, his excitement was obvious, and it was obvious that he was trying to be slow, for her enjoyment if nothing else.
She felt her throat vibrate with her moans, his mouth having reached her breasts, her hands tugging at his costume, pulling it off of his shoulders, giving her access to the warm cream skin. She gripped at it, dug her nails into it, her wings shifting again, spreading out.
Shayera breathed out his name, nearly whining when she felt him shift, his lips moving down, past her breasts, dragging kisses along her flesh, hard, excited kisses, coupled with nibbles and they were not at all ticklish like the ones John thought to be arousing, not dull like John forced her to endure.
His lips and hands moved along her stomach, down her sides until he reached the waistband of her pants, and Shayera looked down at him, feeling his eyes on her. He began tugging the fabric off, and she lifted her hips off the bed to help him without realizing it.
She saw him grin lightly as he gently spread her legs apart and her eyes widened, realizing what he intended to do.
Swallowing, Shayera found her voice. "N-No Wally, you don't have to do th- Ah!"
His tongue dragged along the length of her, and she found no will to protest at all, her head arching back into the pillow, her legs spreading wider and his tongue, god his tongue.
John never did this. Nobody ever did this to her, nobody ever did this for her, no matter how much she begged, and oh, "Wally, Wally oh..."
She could feel her entire body arching, her wings trembling, everything ached and her mind pounded and pleasure slid through her body and heart. She moaned and moaned his name, not caring about the volume of her voice, not caring if anyone could hear, not caring about anything but this.
Just this and just Wally and she was breathing out his name and "more oh Wally more, more, faster, oh, oh Wally, more, more, harder, harder, harder." And he was listening to her, he followed each and every request his tongue lapping at her faster, only to slow down and drag along her again, teasing, teasing before resuming his pace.
Her body arched and moved with each movement of his tongue, her wings straining and shifting and nearly flapping against the fabric of the bed as the prickling heat built in her body. "...harder, harder, harder, oh god Wally!"
His teeth bit down lightly on her, and she screamed his name, her first orgasm in over a year overwhelming her senses, her wings extending wide and he didn't stop lapping at her as she gripped his hair and almost convulsed against the mattress.
She cried his name again and again, her hips arching, legs clenching tightly as he swallowed every last drop of her, only pulling back when she collapsed back against the mattress, her eyes hazy, her body still trembling, hips arching and breathing heavy.
Shayera's chest was nearly heaving, and she felt Wally's eyes on her breasts, watching them as they rose and fell. He couldn't help himself, he moved foreword, teasing them with his mouth as well, pressing firm kisses to them until she pulled him back by his hair and kissed him deeply.
Her own boldness shocked them both, but she plunged her tongue into his mouth and tasted herself on his tongue and felt the moan vibrate in his throat.
She arched her hips up into his, purposely rubbing against his erection, shuddering when he pulled away from the kiss and moaned. Her hands tugged at the rest of his costume. "Take this off." She all but demanded, and began trying to tug fabric off herself. He gripped her hands, stopping her.
His face was flushed, and he swallowed before speaking, "B-But you already..." How sweet.
Shayera ran her tongue along the shell of his ear, breathing heavily against it, this time she teased him, her fingers sliding down his chest, along the slick fabric of his costume. She stroked him lightly at first, just to see his reaction.
He didn't disappoint, his eyelids fluttered closed and she could see the flush spread across his face, even in the darkness. "Shay..."
She felt more confidence then she had in a long time, felt the haze that had been stifling her breathing fade, she pressed her hand against him harder, stroking and teasing and feeling herself desire it more then she thought possible.
"Come on." She spoke the words against his ear, letting her warm breath tease him, her lips brushing his skin.
"And don't hold back, I can take it."
She nearly gasped as she was forced back against the mattress, a second later his costume was gone from his skin, but he didn't give her a chance to admire his form. Wally pressed his lips to hers again, their tongue collided and his hands moved along her skin, down her sides and scratched lightly at her hips.
Shayera arched into him, moaning in her throat, tasting his tongue against hers, keeping her arms around his torso, back arching off of the bed. His hands pulled her legs apart, and her wings flapped as he entered her, slowly at first, his face buried in her neck, his hips rocking foreword faster and faster.
She cried out his name, her nails clawing into the skin of his back, gripping him and pulling his body against hers. And he moaned back, his cheek pressed to hers, his hot breath against her ear, each sound from his throat, echoing in her mind, adding to her euphoria.
"Faster faster faster, oh god Wally faster, I know you can, please!" Wally pressed himself harder against her, her breasts crushed against his chest, and she could feel his muscles contract and release as he moved inside of her, following her wishes, trying to hold back but unable to anymore.
And when his thrusts began blurring together so quickly her entire body convulsed and she threw her head back, screaming out, her nails digging into his skin, drawing blood, dragging as she cried out, begging him not to stop, begging him to go faster, to not hold back.
Her body convulsed again and again, her wings stretching out and flapping as orgasms washed over her, so many she lost count, so many her entire body ached and throbbed with pleasure and when he finally released himself within her he screamed with her before collapsing on top of her, sweat drenching the sheets, their skin.
And for the first time in so long she felt like herself again, and oh god, it was so good to be back.