A/N: building on last time's gender-role inversion premise…
For maximum fun, one needs to be a Nanoha fan and a Brony to get this, but even if you aren't, I think enough of the humor translates well. Just think of what the uninitiated would think of you being a fan of Nanoha and you'll be in the right ballpark.
VIVIO'S QUEST FOR UNDERSTANDING
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 4: "Gender Roles 2" or "Vivio Learns About Outside Demographic Fans"
Disclaimer: Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha does not belong to me. I'm making no money off this.
The spread was subtle…
"Hey… have you seen this show?"
"This show! 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic'! You have got to see this show, it's so good!"
"Eh? Isn't that show for little boys?"
"Yeah, but it's great, it's great!"
The show spread. In many homes, many adults stared at their video screens and had some variation of the following revelation:
"There's no way I should be watching a little boy's show…"
"But it's so awesome…!"
Eventually… it struck close to home.
Vivio proudly put down the last dish on the table. "There," she said, looking around proudly. A good half of the dishes on the table was something she made, courtesy of what she'd learned in cooking class, with the rest being uncle Yuuno and Zafira-kun's cooking, and in one case Tea's take-out. One dish was even Shamal-made, and was perfectly edible. She really didn't get why people joked Shamal couldn't cook. She made wonderful flambé! While boys could be pretty inscrutable— she still didn't get their obsession with clothes— the masculine art of cooking was something she comprehended quite well. "Everyone, dinner's ready!"
Families dinner at the Yagami household was an extended-family occasion. Chrono and his family couldn't make it, but Yuuno had been in town, as had Subaru and Teana, and they, along with the Vivio and her mamas, had converged on the Yagami house.
As people trooped to the dining room, exclaiming over the wonderful food, Hayate frowned, glancing upward. "What's wrong?" Vivio asked.
"Signum isn't answering telepathy," Hayate said. "I've been calling her down for dinner… this isn't usually like her. She's been acting weird this last few weeks…"
Vivio, who hadn't really learned the contextual significance of 'acting weird' yet and wanted everyone to be able to enjoy her food, began to dash upstairs. "I'll call her," she said helpfully, heading for the room Signum shared with Shamal. She opened, the door, calling, "Signum-san, time for din—"
The words died in her throat as she stared.
Everyone looked up at the sudden, female scream that echoed from upstairs.
"Vivio, close the door, close the door!"
"W-what is that?-! I don't see… I don't even…! Wha…!"
"Vivio, shut the door!"
"Vivio?-!" Fate cried in alarmed motherly concern, running out of the room as fast as humanly possible short of magic. In no time, she was at a shell-shocked Vivio's side, who stood at Signum's open door, just staring. "Vivio, what is…" Words died for her too. Dimly, she heard people coming up behind her, too shocked at the sight before her.
Signum, wearing a shirt that read "This shirt is now 20 percent cooler!" was frantically trying to block the video screen at her desk and mute the speakers at the same time and failing at both as music about the Art of the Dress played. "I can explain!" Signum said as Agito tried to hide behind a dark navy plastic unicorn with wings. "I CAN EXPLAIN!"
Signum, veteran of more battles than most people had time to have a lifetime in, shifted nervously in her chair. On the table, in her own little chair, Agito was doing the same.
"Signum… " Hayate said patiently in her 'talking to my children' voice, "is there anything you'd like say?"
"Not particularly," Signum said with an expression that, had it been on anyone else that wasn't Signum, would have been a sullen, childish pout. Agito, who wasn't Signum, did have on a sullen, childish pout.
Vita made a very rude sound with her nose that Vivio had secretly been practicing and never managed to get right. "Are you straight?" she demanded.
"Vita!" Shamal exclaimed, shocked.
That managed to get a glare from Agito. "Of course not! Why does everyone assume that just because someone is a Hoeny that means they're straight!-?"
Vivio blinked. "What's a Hoeny?"
"They're straights, women, like, old women, really flamboyant, who have inappropriate relationships with people in their age group instead of several years their junior and senior, masturbate to scenes from a little boy's cartoon, run around wearing plastic pony ears and unicorn horns on their heads and consider it normal. Some women even cross dress and wear boys clothes to attract young boys to ransom and rape them because they're immature virgins who live in their parent's basement," Teana said helpfully. "There's definitely sexual deviancy involved. It's pretty twisted."
Everyone stared at her, Fate glaring. Her hands had been on Vivio's ears even before 'inappropriate', though Vivio still heard some.
"I wear boys clothes," she said, a bit hurt and wondering as to why this was a bad thing.
"Tea!" Subaru cried, aghast. "Don't tell me you actually believe all that!"
"No, I'm just repeating what I heard on the news," Teana said. "They said that Hoenies were also predicted in the Scroll of Realization, and that they were a sign of the end times, marking when the Sankt Kaiser would return to the world and take the faithful onto the Saint's Cradle while the rest burn in the death-filled wasteland that is the lot of the sinful. And Hoenies, apparently."
Vivio paled. "I wouldn't do that!"
"I'm just repeating what they said on Kitsune News," Teana said, absolving herself of responsibility.
Hayate patted Vivio's shoulder comfortingly. "Don't worry, the Saint's Cradle won't be running any time soon…"
Vita stared at Signum, whose eyelid twitched at Teana's recitation. "Signum! Really, can't you masturbate to pictures of Hayate back when she was ten like the rest of us?-!"
"Would you stop using the M word!" Fate cried, panting at the speed she'd put her hands back over Vivio's ears.
"I don't 'clop'!" Signum retorted with cold dignity as she glared at the shorter knight. "I watch the show for the plot! And honestly, I can't believe you actually swallow any of that garbage! Statistically speaking, Honies are actually less likely to be straight than most people in our demographic! And most Honies I know are mature and very experienced at lovemaking!"
"Will you people stop using those words around Vivio!-?" Fate cried as she resolved never to let go of Vivio's ears. Vivio sighed and pouted about her dinner getting cold, still wondering what was so bad about cross dressing in boys clothes.
"It's actually a delightful little show with well-rounded characters, excellent plotting, mature issues, and a fun setting," Yuuno volunteered.
"Still…" Shamal said, concerned. "It's not exactly normal, for a grown woman to be so interested in a cartoon made for 8 year-old boys…"
"Why not?-!" Agito demanded. "Characters, plot, issues, what he said! What's for a grown-up not to like?"
"But…" Teana asked. "Aren't you too old for that?"
Signum raised an eyebrow. "Are grown men too old to like a movie about a young girl's action-packed journey from childhood to the ranks of the TSAB?"
"Again with that movie…" Vita groused. "They got my hat wrong!"
"Everyone!" Subaru suddenly cried out. "I have a confession to make! I can't let Agito-chan and captain Signum go through this alone anymore! The elements of Harmony won't allow it!" She took two swift steps to stand behind their chairs, putting a hand to her chest. "I… AM A HOENY!"
Solemnly, Signum stood up turned, and hugged her. They held out this fists.
As the two turned back to the others, Teana stared at Subaru in shock. "But…" she began to babble. "That can't be… Hoenies are straight… the tv talking heads said so… so… Subaru can't be a Hoeny… because Subaru isn't straight… rainbows are straighter than Subaru… but if Subaru's a Hoeny, that means she's straight… but the rainbow… unless it means that Subaru is so straight rainbows have to start following Einsteinian laws and become anti-straight… and I don't even understand what I'm saying anymore…"
"Tea-chan!" Subaru said. "You know me! Yes, I'm a Hoeny! Yes, I'm not straight! And that's okay! There's room for both in the universe! Straight Honies. Not-straight Hoenies! Futa Hoenies! Even male Hoenies!" She held out a hand to Teana. "I know it sounds weird… but I really like this show, and I don't care if it was made for little boys. So would you just… watch one episode with me? Just one.…"
Teana raised a hand hesitantly. "All right… but only because you asked. Just one, okay?"
Half a dozen episodes later…
"Okay, I'm convinced, this show is awesome," Teana said.
"Yay! Welcome to the herd, Tea-chan!" Subaru cried, throwing her arms around the other girl.
"Are there any other episodes?" Hayate asked as Vita asked Signum where she could get her own 20 percent shirt.
"EVERYONE!" Vivio cried. "IT'S BEEN THREE HOURS! MY DINNER'S GOTTEN COLD!"
- To be continued...
A/N: and they all lived happily ever after until the next chapter, except for poor Vivio, whose dinner got cold.
I would like to apologize if my portrayal of straight people was in any way offensive. I have only the highest respect for the straight community and only wish to portray them in a dignified fashion. If my portrayal of heterosexuals offends, then I most sincerely ask for your forgiveness. I did not mean to insinuate that watching My Little Pony makes you straight.
Hoenies. Because Pegasisters doesn't roll off the tongue as well…
It was going to be longer, but… well, I lost motivation. Perhaps in future chapters, if I can't think of anything new to parody…
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.