Brittany S. Pierce, Matchmaker Extraordinaire

A Glee Fanfiction by Lonesome Bird

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Holy crap you guys, I don't know whatever muse has decided to come my way, but I hope she doesn't leave any time soon. Once again, I'm sorry to those who were expecting another chapter of All It Took, but for the second time, and idea worked its way into my brain when I was attempting to sleep and wouldn't go away until I wrote it down. This is the result.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of its characters.

Just a quick note, this story contains one "f-bomb," if any of you are opposed to that.

Thank you for taking the time to come read this, and enjoy! :)


The first time Brittany notices Quinn and Rachel looking at each other like that, she wants to be paying attention to Santana stroking her thigh and is supposed to be listening to what Mr. Schue has to say about their next glee project. Brittany was never really one for paying close attention to anything but Santana.

But there's something about the way that they're looking at each other. There is an electricity there that she has seen in very few places before, one of them being her own relationship with Santana. Brittany isn't sure what to make of this, so she dismisses it as some sort of freak thing, too much pudding at lunch or something.

That is, until she catches them doing it a second, third, and fourth time. Brittany may not be the smartest person on Earth, but she is not stupid. The last person who called her stupid ended up in the dumpster outside, with a slushie dumped on top of them for good measure. Nobody ever calls Brittany stupid anymore.

The thing is, Brittany doesn't care if people call her stupid; she has learned that things like this don't matter to her. Give her a few ducks, a dinner at Breadstix, and Santana, and she honestly couldn't care if you called her much worse than that. Santana cared, though. That was what mattered.

As Brittany continues to observe what she suspects are Rachel and Quinn's "secret" looks, she begins to think of what she knows about each girl.

Rachel Berry was small, but strong. She had two dads, which Brittany thought was pretty cool. She loved her own dad and sometimes wished that she had two of him as well. She had the loudest voice of anyone that she knew, and second most beautiful. She dressed like a two-year old, and wore argyle more than anyone ever should. To be honest, Brittany actually really liked the girl a lot. She was pretty hot, what with her tan legs, full lips, and pretty brown eyes. But, Santana was bothered by her, so Brittany just followed what Santana did. She wished that Santana would stop though. Oftentimes when she thought that no one else could see, pain would well up in her eyes, and her shoulders would slump in a way that signaled defeat. This made Brittany sad. She didn't dwell on it for too long.

Quinn was quite different, though similar in many ways as well. Quinn was blonde and pretty and driven and perfect. At least, that was how she came off. Even if Brittany hadn't known Quinn for the better part of thirteen years, the weight of the sadness that she carried was quite evident. Quinn Fabray was by no means the goddess that many thought her to be. Brittany knew that Quinn's dad was gone, and her mother, though still there, was a bit of a mess without him. She knew that many times throughout the day, Quinn would sneak looks at a picture that she kept buried deep within her locker. Brittany had caught a glimpse of it by accident once; it was of a baby, brand new, with eerily similar hazel eyes. If Quinn knew that Brittany had seen her secret, she never said a word. She just walked away, lonely as ever. Her loneliness made Brittany want to cry.

But then again, a lot of things made Brittany want to cry. Mostly the sad things she knew about Santana, and when she thought about orphaned ducklings, but still. They were tragic things, nonetheless.

After Brittany sees Quinn and Rachel making love eyes at one another for the third time in fifteen minutes, she nudges Santana gently.

"What is it, B?" She whispers.

"Just watch Q and Rachel for a few minutes."

Santana does this, and not three minutes later, there they go again, staring at one another when the respective girl wasn't looking, as if they were the sun, moon, and stars all put together. Santana turns to Brittany, an eyebrow raised and a devious twinkle in her eyes.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"I've seen them doing it the past few rehearsals. I think they love each other."

"No shit." Santana whispers a little too loudly, garnering a few wondering glances. She glares back, and everyone returns their attention to Mr. Schue. The two Cheerios glance at each other again, and for their remaining time in the club, tally up how many times they catch the two looking at each other. At the end, the tally is twenty six lingering looks, five smiles, and twelve longing glances.

Brittany squeals at the prospect of a desperate, unrecognized love between the two, and Santana claims that it makes her want to throw up and die.

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Much to Santana's chagrin, Brittany wants to ask Quinn about it.

"Look, B, I don't really want to know if the two of them have something going on."

But Brittany pouts and kisses Santana softly on the back of her neck, and of course, Santana gives in. She is the only person that Santana gives in to.

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They corner Quinn after Cheerio's practice one day. She is always the last to leave, making it that much easier for them. Quinn is in the locker room and has just finished changing into a pair of jeans and a white v-neck when they get to her.

"Hey, Q." Brittany says with a wave and smile.

"What's up, Tubbers?" Santana grumbles.

Quinn smiles at Brittany and throws a wary look Santana's way. She picks up her bag and looks at the two of them.

"Do you two need something?"

"We wanted to ask you something, actually." Brittany says.

"Go ahead."

"So, how long have you been totally gay for RuPaul?"

Brittany gives Santana her meanest look, one which probably wouldn't scare a kitten away. But still, she tries. Quinn on the other hand, looks absolutely terrified. Her face is white, her eyes are wide, and she is breathing erratically. She opens her mouth and closes it a few times, as if attempting to speak. Then she starts to hyperventilate. Brittany quickly swoops in and helps her lower herself onto the bench nearest to them, all the while rubbing small, comforting circles on her back.

"Breathe, Q. Just breathe. It's okay. It's just me and Santana."

It takes a few minutes, but Quinn eventually calms down. Her face is still white and her hazel eyes are wild, but at least she is breathing. Brittany stays next to her, while Santana keeps her distance a few feet away.

"How did you guys know?"

Brittany smiles.

"I can't count how many times I've seen the two of you looking longingly at each other."

"…wait, you mean she-"

"Yeah, Blondie. Man Hands ogles you in the same way that you ogle her dwarf self. Did you seriously not notice that?"

Quinn's brow scrunches, though it does nothing to mar her beautiful features.

"No. I just…I thought she was being friendly when she smiled back. We kind of randomly bonded over some band that we both happened to like, and then started exchanging music, and then hanging out…now I guess we're friends."

"You've always felt like this though, haven't you, Q?"

Quinn frowns.

"Yes."

"The nicknames, the pornographic pictures, the slushies…I always did wonder why you had that weird fixation on torturing Streisand. You're like a little boy who's pulling the hair of the girl he likes, aren't you?"

Quinn sighs and puts her head in her hands.

"Great analogy, S. That's just what I am." Quinn mumbles. She looks up and her eyes are shining. "Please, I'm begging you two. Don't tell anyone."

"Don't worry, Quinn. We won't."

"You do realize that Berry is just as homogay for you as you are for her, right?"

Quinn looks up at Santana.

"Even if she is, I just can't…I can't just walk into her heart so easily, not after all that I've done to her. It's not right."

Brittany realizes that it is best not to push Quinn at this point, as fragile as she is. So she simply nods, gives Quinn a hug, and stands up.

"We understand, Q. It's going to hurt for a while, but once you realize that you're ready for her, it's going to be the most wonderful feeling in the world."

Quinn stares at Brittany for a minute.

"Brittany…you're really wise, you know that?"

"Thanks, Q. Maybe I can be one of those wise men in the next Nativity play that they have at my church. That would be fun."

"Um…"

"Okay, we're gonna go now. Bye, Ellen DeGeneres."

Quinn rolls her eyes at Santana as she drags Brittany out of the locker room.

When they get inside her car, Santana pulls Brittany in close and kisses her softly for a long time. When they finally pull away, she stares at the blonde with warm, brown eyes.

"You're a really good person, you know that B?"

Brittany smiles.

"You're a good person too, S. Don't worry though, I won't tell anyone that either."

Santana grins.

"That's my girl."

-0-0-0-

Santana groans when Brittany tells her that she wants to talk to Rachel as well. Brittany knows that her friend would rather have her teeth pulled than come into contact with the small brunette, but Brittany also knows that sometimes you have to endure a little suffering to make others happy.

The duo slips off during lunch one day and heads to the choir room. Rachel always goes there at lunch to practice her scales and polish off any songs that need work. Sure enough, she is there, singing softly to herself as she flips through a few pages of sheet music. She doesn't notice the two come in at first, until she looks up. She jumps slightly, a look of confusion crossing her face, before being replaced by one of wary.

Brittany can't blame her; she probably thinks that they're going to jump her and take her lunch money or something. It's not as if either of them had ever been particularly nice to her in the past.

"Calm your ass, gnome. We're not going to rape and mug you; at least not the rape part."

Santana smirks and shuts the door behind her, while Brittany sighs at the look of panic that crosses Rachel's face.

"Look, I know that you enjoy torturing me as much as the next person, but I must insist that you-"

"We're not going to hurt you, Rachel. I promise." Brittany says.

Rachel relaxes a little bit, as Brittany is generally not one to lie. Santana points to the chair that is next to Rachel.

"Sit." She says, pointing a finger at the chair. "We need to have a little chat."

Rachel does so immediately, and looks up at the two Cheerios who are standing above her.

"Let's cut to the chase, Treasure Trail: Do you, or do you not, want to jump Quinn Fabray's bones?"

Rachel looks startled for a moment, before she looks around wildly. They have obviously made her very nervous and Brittany wishes she could calm her down some. She smiles softly at Rachel. She sees Brittany looking down at her and some of her nervousness goes away. She takes a deep breath and looks up at them.

"Jump one's bones is really a more polite way of saying that-"

"Streisand, I am asking you again: Do you want to fuck Quinn Fabray? It's as simple as that."

Rachel clasps and unclasps her hands, twisting them in a way that suggests she is weighing her answer carefully.

"It's really not that simple, is it?" Rachel says, looking back up at them. Brittany is surprised to see eyes that are not so different than Santana's looking back up at her.

"She's right, S. Maybe we should rephrase the question: Do you want to have sex with Q, or do you want to date her?"

Rachel thinks for a moment, though the girl's know that her answer was instantaneous.

"Yes…I do. I want both."

"Thank you, that was all that we needed to know." Santana says, turning her back on Rachel and heading to the door. Brittany turns to follow, but Rachel grabs her hand.

"Wait!" She says. "You're not going to tell anyone, are you?"

"Of course not, Rach. You can trust us." Brittany flashes another smile and follows Santana out the door, leaving a very confused Rachel Berry to wonder what the hell had just occurred.

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Brittany says that if they are going to play Cupid, then they should at least dress up in diapers and buy bow and arrows to shoot at them.

Santana nixes this idea, but proposes they buy bow and arrows anyway.

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One Saturday afternoon, Brittany and Santana kidnap Quinn from her own home. They're not violent, of course. They let her know it is them doing the kidnapping and only stuff one sock in her mouth as opposed to the three that they had originally planned. They throw her in the back of Santana's car and head to Rachel's house.

Rachel knows that they are coming. Santana and Brittany had called her earlier and invited themselves over, much to Rachel's surprise and discomfort. She says to not plan on doing anything illegal since both of her fathers are out for the weekend. Santana only rolls her eyes. Rachel does not know that Quinn will be coming along, hog tied and with a sock in her mouth.

Santana thinks that she will be running extra laps for a month in Cheerios for this, but hey, if doing this would make Brittany happy then it is worth it. Also, the look on Quinn's face when they had kicked open the door to her room was priceless.

When they arrive at Rachel's Quinn starts to panic again. Brittany quickly pulls the sock out of her mouth so that she can breathe, and whispers a few soothing words into her ear. Santana is still amazed at the things that Brittany can do. They help Quinn out of the car and drag her to the doorstep. They knock and hear the sound of small feet coming towards them. Quinn is visibly sweating and Santana has enough time to swat the back of her head and mutter, "Get it together, Fabray," before Rachel opens the door.

Santana nearly screeches with laughter when she sees the shocked expression on Rachel's face when she processes who is on her front doorstep.

Rachel ushers them inside, quickly shutting the door behind them. They follow her to the kitchen, where she sits down and gestures with her hand to do the same. Santana raises an eyebrow at her.

"Uh uh, short stack. This is between you and Preggers."

Santana and Brittany each place a hand on Quinn's shoulder, and forcefully push her into the closest kitchen chair.

"Have fun you lovebirds. We'll be watching TV in here if you need anything."

The two of them enter Rachel's living room and settle on the couch. Brittany picks up the remote and turns the TV on before turning to Santana and pulling her into an embrace. It is without a doubt, the most epic cuddle fest that Santana Lopez has ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

Before she knows it, Santana has drifted off to sleep, only to be awoken by Brittany a few minutes later.

"S," she mutters, shaking Santana's shoulder lightly. "S, they've stopped talking."

Santana looks up and regards her sleepily, but quickly comes to her senses and leaps to her feet in an eerie display of cat-like reflexes. She grins at Brittany and sneaks slowly to the kitchen door.

What she sees really shouldn't surprise her at all.

Quinn and Rachel are wrapped in an embrace, their lips inches apart…

Santana makes a loud gagging sound while Brittany squeals and claps her hands.

Quinn looks like she is about to murder both of them and Rachel is as red as a Cheerio's uniform.

"You two should go home," Quinn says through gritted teeth.

"Aww, but Quinnie, we were enjoying the sh-"

"Now!" Quinn exclaims, causing the two Cheerios to turn tail and flee.

They are both giggling all the way back to Santana's house.

When they get there, they both flop on Santana's mattress. Brittany rolls on her side to face Santana, stroking her face lightly.

"I know we're mean a lot," she says, "but I really like being nice too."

Santana kisses her in response.

Though she would never admit it (not that she has to admit anything to Brittany- she just knows), Santana would be okay with being nice on occasion.

"It makes me happy when other people are happy." Brittany says. "Quinn and Rachel were both really sad a lot, but now that they have each other, maybe they can smile more, kind of like you do when we go to the park to see the ducks together."

"Thanks to you, Miss Matchmaker, I think that they will."

Brittany smiles, her eyes lighting up.

"Maybe we can play match maker more often! It was really fun!"

Santana grimaces.

"Not a chance."

For the rest of the afternoon, Brittany is too wrapped up in Santana to argue.


Hope you all enjoyed this little piece of fluff. I have to admit, I was giggling while writing parts of it. Thank you again for reading. :)

-LB