The Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect

I don't own Bioware or Dos Equis

Stay thirsty gentlemen

He is seventy years old, and still goes on Suicide Missions for relaxation.

He once got shot in the face…just to see what it felt like.

He is actually a romance option in Mass Effect 2; however human females are incapable of remembering absolute pleasure.

The Asari government occasionally hires him to keep their Ardat-Yakshi population sated.

He fucked with Aria…twice in one night.

The Turian Councilor has dismissed his existence as a rumor.

He is suspected to have fathered Liara T'Soni, but everyone thought that was just Benezia bragging.

He taught Jacob Taylor his pick up lines.

Sovereign attempted to indoctrinate him, and sustained permanent damage to its backup shield generators.

Saren committed suicide because he saw him walking up the steps behind Shepard.

He is General Williams' estranged brother.

He doesn't have pick-up lines, he has pick up looks.

He was able to carry on an intellectual conversation with a Husk.

He is actually a biotic, but doesn't use them because they're 'unsportsmanlike'

The malfunction of the Luna Training Outpost in Mass Effect 1 was caused by the Hannibal system trying to think like him.

Kelly Chambers was a lesbian until she met him.

He is currently considered a clear and present danger to the National Security of the Yahg.

The Council had the choice between sending him to destroy the Krogan, or unleashing the genophage. They decided on the second, it was more humane.

Udina considers him an outrage.

He is the only one who makes the Consort feel better

The salarian's have short lifespans because they want to minimize the risk that they'll ever meet him.

The virus on Omega was the Collector's attempt to kill him, it failed…badly.

The three mercenary groups on Omega banded together to kill him, but they got the address wrong and accidentally attacked Archangel.

He inspired Blasto to become a Spectre.

Conrad Verner wanted to be like him when he grew up, but dismissed that goal as unrealistic.

The asari have long lifespans because they want to maximize the chances they'll have of meeting him.

Okeer's quest to create the perfect warrior began with an attempt to clone him. Okeer was shocked to discover, on close examination, that this man was not actually Krogan.

He is the only human to have ever met a female Turian.

And by met…we mean boned.

The nuclear devastation of Tuchanka occurred when he misplaced one of his Inferno Grenades.

The drell remember him.

He won an arm wrestle with an elcor.

He has eight Master's degrees.

When the Hanar talk about the Enkindlers, they are not talking about the Protheans.

Miranda Lawson's genome didn't come from Richard Lawson, it came from Him.

He is Zaeed Massani, the Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect.

Zaeed looked up from where he was sitting with Jessie, surrounded by dozens of beautiful alien women fawning over him. He smiled. "I don't always kill aliens, but when I do, I kill those no-good, terrorist, motherfucking batarians! Stay lethal gentlemen!"


A/N: I was browsing Deviant Art, and came across another Jacob Taylor: Old Spice Guy meme. It suddenly struck me, if Jacob is Isaiah Mustafa? Who is the World's Most Interesting Man? Of course, that was obvious.